SetMeFree Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 First of all, let me say that when my MM and I started NC, it was never my intention to use it as a manipulative tool to get him to miss me, leave his marriage, etc. I can so identify with everything that Frannie said in her post. Neither one of us wants to end it...we both simply realized that we have reached the end of the line. When our A started, we were both married. I'm now divorced; he's still married. When my divorce became final, at first MM made it clear that nothing was changing for him, to which I said...fine, that's perfectly understandable, but...it's time for me to move on. He was unable to let me walk away, and actually started making more room in his life for me. However, when that happened, then the chance of discovery went up, and that thought made both of us very uncomfortable. We both agreed that for us to really have any sort of real chance, he needs to come to some decisions regarding his M once and for all. And for him to really do that, there needed to be a period of NC between us. And honestly, at that point, I felt about as ready for NC as I ever had. When the pain of being in the situation day in and day out feels equal to the pain of the person being out of your life permanently, I knew that something needed to change. I made a vow not to be the one to break NC, but like Frannie said, I didn't like the idea of not being able to talk to him now and then. Because obviously, I would like us to have a chance at some point down the line. Well, he lasted four days, and then V day came. He sent me an email and IM'd me later that evening. Since then, he has either emailed, phoned or IM'd each day. And no, I don't ignore them. I probably should, but underneath it all, there is a strong friendship between us. Strangely enough, I still do feel that at some level, I am detaching emotionally from him. He is not in my thoughts as much as he used to be. The one thing that I will stand strong is that I will not physically see him...that would definitely set me back. But now I think instead of having a PA and an EA, all we've done is remove the PA. And every day, I say to him...how is this daily contact with me going to allow you to make the decisions that you need to make in order to get on with your life? He says that he can, but I think he is just terribly confused and if I'm honest with myself, he will probably stay in this state of inertia as long as I am in his life in any fashion. But it's so hard when a person has been part of your life for years to end things... And like Frannie said, I have no idea how to end it. For now, I'm concentrating on my kids, and hanging out with friends, and keeping busy at work. But in the back of my mind, I know that things really can't continue this way. Ok, sorry for the rambling post! It makes me feel much better when I write everything down and get it off my chest.
bigblueeyes Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Frannie, it is the most absurd thing to break up with someone you are madly, deeply in love with and who feels the same way about you - except when the pain starts getting too much to bear. I had reached the point where being apart was better than being together with him, because being together brought up the harsh reality that he wasn't mine and was unlikely to be mine. Despite all the sour grapes I've posted lately, I'm still feel the same way about him. I still love him dearly. It will take time to get over him, but I can use that time to reflect over what I got out of the affair - and what I did not. There is a reason I fell so hard for him, I have learned many things about myself from this relationship and I can honestly say I have no regrets.
Guest Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Puddle--I agree with what you said about NC although I do see it worked for Old Europe. However she seemed very clear at the outset of the relationship, within a few months if I remember correctly. However if you do it once to make mm come to heel and he doesn't, so you resume (and I have been guilty of this) then he stops taking you seriously because he knows that you will always be back. Why should he change his position when the OW is always going to be available to meet his needs. This does become a vicious circle until one or both parties get fed up with it. Sometimes, the mm may get exasperated with the OW's comings and goings and if he isnt that into her, he may throw her under a bus. Sometimes the OW actually does move on with her life as the periods of NC get longer and longer until she weans herself off the mm. I think you only get one chance at going NC and if you blow that then it loses its effect and I think that deep down mm loses his respect for you. After all you are returning again and again fore more of his scraps. I prefer to keep the channels of communication going but just refuse to be intimate with him and tell him you find that too painful for the time being. You will soon find out what he is about and he will know that you are serious.OK he may decide to move on to someone else or work on his marriage but at least you will know by communicating with him what is going on. If he just wants a sexual relationship then he will be off, but you will know early on. The alternatives of don't phone, don't email, don't text is a bit of a brick in the face of the mm. If you are going to get anywhere, you are more likely to achieve this through conversation. If you just do firm NC for 6 months, you will be so relieved to see him at the end of it, that you will resume the affair and forget why you did NC in the first place. Any mm will think well that was easy and then the merry-go-round starts again. He will just see you as someone he can take for granted and treat rather shabbily because you always seem to return. Buck the trend and you may get a different ressponse.
frannie Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Frannie, it is the most absurd thing to break up with someone you are madly, deeply in love with and who feels the same way about you - except when the pain starts getting too much to bear. I know, it does seem like madness, and it probably is. It's not SO painful to be involved with him... it's certainly a lot easier (and I'm a lot happier) to be involved with him than to leave him and have him out of my life. It's just that I don't want to be the OW for years... I can't trust that he will leave eventually (i.e. when the kids are older, as he says), and that we won't be discovered at some point and everything be far, far worse for everyone. But it's a close-run thing between waiting, and ending it, for me. Waiting is easier, far far easier. But is it right? ... I prefer to keep the channels of communication going but just refuse to be intimate with him and tell him you find that too painful for the time being. You will soon find out what he is about and he will know that you are serious. OK he may decide to move on to someone else or work on his marriage but at least you will know by communicating with him what is going on. If he just wants a sexual relationship then he will be off, but you will know early on. The alternatives of don't phone, don't email, don't text is a bit of a brick in the face of the mm. If you are going to get anywhere, you are more likely to achieve this through conversation. If you just do firm NC for 6 months, you will be so relieved to see him at the end of it, that you will resume the affair and forget why you did NC in the first place. Any mm will think well that was easy and then the merry-go-round starts again. He will just see you as someone he can take for granted and treat rather shabbily because you always seem to return. Buck the trend and you may get a different ressponse. Guest I think you've said some really useful things here. I think a lot of OW tell the MM at the outset that it's divorce or nothing (I certainly did)... but not all MM are ready right there and then to leap out of marriage. In some ways I think OE's result was a lucky combination of timing and determination. There is no simple formula for whether he'll divorce in good time... each man is at a different stage in detaching (and of course some have no intention of leaving at all, but then some OW don't want them to leave), each OW has a different level of patience... and if it all goes on too long, a habit has formed and change is difficult for either party... then you're both stuck. As far as what you said about MM getting through NC and then you come back... I really think that this is SO true... you can only use it once, and if it's not had any effect... then you've blown it. I went NC for 4 months, and then realised that it wasn't the right thing at all... I didn't want the affair to end, knew I'd not stuck around and communicated enough with him... I'd bailed, and 'gone NC' rather than stuck it out through his process of detaching and working on what he wanted. But what else could I have done..? We'd been going on so long, and seemed to be getting nowhere except for me getting ill through the stress. The problem is, that if you're patient MM seems to relax and enjoy things, if you focus on him getting D, then you stress yourself out... Besides which, the prevailing theory on the forum at that time was "if he's not divorcing, go NC". I truly think now that that is a bad approach. I will only use NC now for me, to end things because I want them ended. Using NC to get someone else to act is dodgy ground... it may pay off... but if it doesn't you had better be prepared for it to be over. Or, as you say guest, to have lost all your credibility.
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