GreenEyedLady Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 That people seem to go No Contact and then don't really move on with their lives? It seems like No Contact should be considered a break-up instead, so that OW/OM can heal and move on...and if XMP does come back (and the OW/OM still wants them), they have to start the R from scratch and rebuild the R on a strong, honest foundation...What do you guys think?
norajane Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I've always thought of NC as a method to help with healing once you have ended things. It's not helpful to keep talking with and seeing someone that you broke up with, because it re-opens wounds. But, I think a lot of people use NC as a test - if s/he sees what life is like without me, maybe s/he'll come back and do what I want. So, they wait to see what happens, and while they're waiting, they aren't moving on. It's the last-ditch effort to get what they want. And, then, when NC doesn't make them come back, they are devastated when they finally realize that they are't coming back. So, it merely delays the inevitable.
NoIDidn't Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 GEL I found this website with a lot of links awhile back and it was really interesting. On one of the pages it had this: "Even when The Other Woman moves on, a lot of the time, they haven’t really moved on. In fact, they’re just play-acting at life, hoping that their facade makes him bolt and come to her or that one day, ...." http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-revisited-its-straight-talking-time/ The site is really good. I find this to be the case in a lot of dysfunctional Rs though. The old, I'll leave and s/he'll realize that they can't live without me. But it turns out rarely to be the case when the guy already has a W, or sometimes OOW.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I completely agree with this. NC should be the time where you make yourself whole and realize that you are strong and can/want to live without the other person.
Can'tGiveUp Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I guess it boils down to what you believe the purpose of No Contact is... In my case it is the only way we could effectively end the A. We both knew very well that if we tried to keep contact, even casual, then we would be back in it - if not physically, most definitely emotionally. Have I moved on? Absolutely. Does that mean I don't still think of him? No. I think of him frequently. Am I pining for him? Waiting for him to call? Sitting at home mourning? Not a chance! I still have the occasional "down" day...but isn't that normal in any break up? And in any break up - doesn't there need to be a healing period? Time away from this person who was special in your life? Time to build your life again without him? Can that be done if there is continued contact? I think that depending on the circumstances, some of these healing periods are quicker for some relationships than others. If it wasn't working out and both agree then the healing may be quicker and the ability to be in contact on a "friends" basis can happen. But when one is not in agreement with the ending of the R, then the pain can hang on longer (or perhaps one hangs on to the pain longer?)... And in A's it seems that frequently they end when both are not necessarily unhappy with the R, but with the circumstances surrounding it and the impact it is having on others and our ability to maintain the outside relationships..did that make any sense? The two in the A may still have deep feelings/love for each other, but outside the A there are considerations that make it impossible to continue. And contact in these cases does hinder the ability to move on... Just my thoughts...
kymberann Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Whether NC is used as a test or used as a means to move on, it certainly is valuable. I rememebr when NC began with xMM and I remember thinking ok, give it time, he'll be back just like the first time. Well that's what I needed! Luckily I was open enough to finally realize the longer I went without seeing MM the better I became and if I did see MM then all the work I went through to heal would have been for nothing, and I did not want to start over! Perhaps the benefit of NC is that it brings us something different than what we originally thought it would bring us or what we thought we needed from it. We just don't realize we are changing or are not ready TO change because of our own expectations of NC? Just my thoughts!
forbidden fruit Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 That people seem to go No Contact and then don't really move on with their lives? It seems like No Contact should be considered a break-up instead, so that OW/OM can heal and move on...and if XMP does come back (and the OW/OM still wants them), they have to start the R from scratch and rebuild the R on a strong, honest foundation...What do you guys think? I can't help but think this thread is a little directed at me. Yes I have done Nc a zillion times and it has not worked for me because of my situation with kids and being neighbors. I still am not sure how to handle my mm he says he does not want to have sex anymore because he feels too guilty translation he is afraid to get caught and also I was giving him more pressure to leave, but now he wants to be friends. Although the other day out of the blue he says you are not the only one who wants to leave.So I have prettty much gone on like he does not exist except when his kids want to play. Is this wrong because NC never worked and I am not sure this is right either . Quite frankly I am not sure if I am ready to go NC because the minute I talk to him about neighborly things it feels like I have broken NC. I wish he lived in another state NC would be a blessing for me to be able to move on. How can I move on when I see him everyday and have to at least say hi and yes or no my kids or your kids can play? Sometimes I am so mad I don't want to even give him that.
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 That people seem to go No Contact and then don't really move on with their lives? It seems like No Contact should be considered a break-up instead, so that OW/OM can heal and move on...and if XMP does come back (and the OW/OM still wants them), they have to start the R from scratch and rebuild the R on a strong, honest foundation...What do you guys think? I really don't see how one can build a strong and honest R when someone is a MM or MW and the other is the OM or OW. Sounds like an oxymoron to me...
bigblueeyes Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 NC only works if it is maintained and it should only be used for one thing - letting go and moving on. It is not emotianally healthy to yo-yo back and forth, not for any of the parties involved in the affair. Besides if you break up and keep coming back, you quickly end up losing all your credibility and more importantly your self-respect. While it is difficult to let go and move on after an affair, I find that it helps remembering all the lonely nights spent crying, all the weekends and holidays no one was there for you, because they were with someone else, and to ask yourself whether you want to go through 6, 9, 12 months more like this. Who wants to have a lover, who hurts you and others, and is unable to take care of you and is never there for you? Getting over an affair, is just like getting over any other relationship. It hurts and you are left with all these unanswered questions - all the whys. But I have realised there are certain things that do make it harder - if you allow them to. I have found myself thinking that maybe it was because MM did not love me enough that he was unable to take a decision. But an affair is not about love - it is about disfunction and MP bringing their disfunctional life with them into yours. His failure to take a decision has very little to do with me and far more to do with him and his problems - which are his problems, not mine. Secondly, an affair is not a real relationship, but a fantasy. What keeps you going most of the time, is the dream of what things could be like if you were able to be together. You imagine lazy Sunday mornings, sipping coffee and reading the papers, Saturday afternoons shopping, holidays in exotic places. It is a wonderful dream that keeps you going and from realising that you are living nightmare. It is very hard of letting go of that wonderful dream - but it is nothing but escapism. Finally, there is the sex. I have never had as much sex with a man as I had during my affair and it became like a drug. It was the only part of the relationship that was any good, and therefor it became so much more important. But like any other drug, it is bad for you and even worse you start doing things you would normally never do just to get your fix. At the end of the day, it is up to the OP to decide what kind of life they want for themselves. It is about taking reponsibility for yourself and saying NO to being part of somebody else's destructive behaviour.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 For some people, NC works exactly as it should. They move on, and erase the MM/MW from their lives. For some OW/OM, NC is simply a 'pause button' they use to make themselves feel better when MM isn't calling or contacting them anyway. They use it as a way to make themselves seem more like the one who has the advantage, when actually all it takes is for MM to express even the slightest bit of interest, and all that NC and 'healing' goes right out the door. They start up emotionally with the MM/MW exactly where they left off.
Babybird Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 And in A's it seems that frequently they end when both are not necessarily unhappy with the R, but with the circumstances surrounding it and the impact it is having on others and our ability to maintain the outside relationships..did that make any sense? The two in the A may still have deep feelings/love for each other, but outside the A there are considerations that make it impossible to continue. And contact in these cases does hinder the ability to move on... Just my thoughts... Exactly!!! If you end the A but still think, besides being married, that this person is absolutely perfect for you how can you get over it? How can you go out and look for someone else when the married person had everything, personality wise, that you ever looked for and wanted? No one seems to compare.
bigblueeyes Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Exactly!!! If you end the A but still think, besides being married, that this person is absolutely perfect for you how can you get over it? How can you go out and look for someone else when the married person had everything, personality wise, that you ever looked for and wanted? No one seems to compare. I used to think exactly the same, but the point is that the married person is so NOT perfect for the simple reason they are married. If you sat down and made a list of the things that matter to you and then compared MP to that, they would have so many shortcomings. Like not being there for you when you need them, not taking care of you, like the hurt and pain they subject you to. How can that be perfect? How can that be everything, you are looking for?? 1
pricillia Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I used to think exactly the same, but the point is that the married person is so NOT perfect for the simple reason they are married. If you sat down and made a list of the things that matter to you and then compared MP to that, they would have so many shortcomings. Like not being there for you when you need them, not taking care of you, like the hurt and pain they subject you to. How can that be perfect? How can that be everything, you are looking for?? Yeah the not being there for you when you need them is a really big pain! and it only gets worse!
bigblueeyes Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Oh, it gets a lot worse. I only walked away this week, because it just got too much. I am obsessing and very angry, but in a week I'll be better, I know
puddleofmud Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Oh, it gets a lot worse. I only walked away this week, because it just got too much. I am obsessing and very angry, but in a week I'll be better, I know Your previous post about your situation was most honest and you seem to be moving forward by means of self respect which is to be admired to say the least. Please know that you WILL feel better in a week, more so in a month and sometime later you will still remember some, but it won't control your life. Which brings me to the NC question: I tend to think that NC, for whatever reason is one aspect of taking back control of one's life--some times it may come to "pause" or "re-wind" or even "repeat" but as long as one uses such to deem themselves as that which is empowered then so be it. Being so involved with another is often to give one self "over" to the so called "power" of another be it termed "love", "sex", "companionship" etc. Doing whatever and when ever it takes to find one's individual self is far more worth while than continuing to solely delve into what is about just the relationship. It may seem some do use NC to manipulate and that is probably not going to be successful: it would most likely serve that one is so desperate that one is willing to do whatever one must do to keep the R and the person on the other side of the R will know that is the case, thus, also know that the person will never leave and then can do what ever they wish without regard. Frankly, at that point the person who uses NC will get nothing other than that their partner knows that they are weak enough to continue to be used. Then again, a person who does use NC for such manipulative purpose may also see that it does little good and said partner is just as willing to manipute THEM creating a vicious circle where one would rather no long be...
Porn_Guy Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 That people seem to go No Contact and then don't really move on with their lives? It seems like No Contact should be considered a break-up instead, so that OW/OM can heal and move on...and if XMP does come back (and the OW/OM still wants them), they have to start the R from scratch and rebuild the R on a strong, honest foundation...What do you guys think? well GEL...my opinion is that the IBE who initiates NC should get on with their lives PDQ expescially when TO is involved. If TO is not involved then they should YAJ or BQ
pureinheart Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 This is a very good topic GEL....I will try to stay on topic lines, but at the same time am led to get real with myself...hope that is okay.... Concerning NC....there were many failed attempts, with many reasons for initiating NC. Some consisted of just being fed up and mad by something he had done, some were a place of total frustration, wanting him to make a decision either way. The real no contact came when I came to the complete realization that the relationship was toxic for me....the complete knowledge that this man could not make a decision even if his life depended on it....the knowledge that he cannot handle change, even if it is for the better....the revelation knowledge that he is a toxic person that thrives on drama, and was unable to handle truth. I ask myself now, did I really love him....don't think so. I was attracted to his supernatural ability concerning our job....he was extremely amazing in this area. Did he love me? He said he did, but his actions spoke much louder....no he did not. It has been hard to move on, to come out of that fantasy and lie....I really believed I would not be able to make it in the workplace without him, also that I would not find a job without him....he was very resourceful in this area, and had many connections. I did find a job, and have found I have many connections....the main one being God.... A successful NC is the realization of absolutely no future.... I realize there are exceptions to this rule, where the individual decides they cannot live without the other....I understand that this is a possibility in my situation.....but for me, would not want a man that would put me through all of that grief....could I be making better choices now? Am I learning to love God and myself? A successful NC is one that no matter what the reaction of the OP is, you are standing your ground because you will not be treated as a doormat....done means done, period. 1
bigblueeyes Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 It was only when I started doing things like staying home sick from work to see him that I realized how bad the sitaution was for me. I could have lost my job, and would he have been there to pick me up, to take care of me? No way. It was then it dawned on me how I was compromising on everything important to me - should have figured that one out much earlier, but... - and for what? The other thing that made me wake up and smell the rotting roses was the fact that in order to survive I would have to accept that he was married, something I had not done during the course of the affair. I just knew that if I crossed that bridge, it would be the end to whatever self-respect I had left. What has been the hardest was his unwillingness to let go of him and that he until the end kept saying "I might leave one day". I had to be really hard and force reality in his face in a very brutal way, which I felt very uncomfortable doing. But it helped me realised that he was no closer to facing the consequences of what he has done to his wife and me and he was still as far as ever from taking responsibility for his actions. And truth be told, there is not attractive or sexy about a man who is over 40 and acts like a 5-year-old and then add to that all his whining about how hard it has been for him. As if it wasn't hard on me or his poor wife. At the end of the day, I am probably the luckiest of all the parties involved as I get to walk away with my self-respect and pride perhaps a little dented, but still intact. 1
Babybird Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I used to think exactly the same, but the point is that the married person is so NOT perfect for the simple reason they are married. If you sat down and made a list of the things that matter to you and then compared MP to that, they would have so many shortcomings. Like not being there for you when you need them, not taking care of you, like the hurt and pain they subject you to. How can that be perfect? How can that be everything, you are looking for?? From my experience the things you mentioned are not your focal point until near the end. When you finally realize that you are sick and tired of being the OP and are realizing that the fact that he/she is married is really starting to bother you. Think about it: for the first few months or even year you are content to listen to bs like "I'm leaving soon it just isn't the right time", or "I have to save money so I have somewhere to go and live", "I have to save money for the divorce", etc...you are willing to give them a little bit of time. The fact that they have a great sense of humor, are easy to talk too, and are passionate about (fill in blank) is still what is making them 'perfect'. You said that you walked away about a week ago and I wish you strength in your NC. I'm sure you felt like this person had amazing qualities up until the end. Otherwise why would it be so hard? If they were totally uncompatible with you the break-up would be a piece of cake. What I'm saying and this may be impossible to do, is to seperate the things associated with being married..would he be like this if he wasn't married? If my grandmother died would he completely ignore my pain because of ..whatever. I seriously doubt it. It kind of sounds like I am putting OP on a pedestal and maybe I am but I prefer to think of it as giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to give it a chance before I totally condemn him to the MM loser, liar, cheater, POS hell and then feel sorry for myself over how stupid I was.
pureinheart Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 It was only when I started doing things like staying home sick from work to see him that I realized how bad the sitaution was for me. I could have lost my job, and would he have been there to pick me up, to take care of me? No way. It was then it dawned on me how I was compromising on everything important to me - should have figured that one out much earlier, but... - and for what? The other thing that made me wake up and smell the rotting roses was the fact that in order to survive I would have to accept that he was married, something I had not done during the course of the affair. I just knew that if I crossed that bridge, it would be the end to whatever self-respect I had left. What has been the hardest was his unwillingness to let go of him and that he until the end kept saying "I might leave one day". I had to be really hard and force reality in his face in a very brutal way, which I felt very uncomfortable doing. But it helped me realised that he was no closer to facing the consequences of what he has done to his wife and me and he was still as far as ever from taking responsibility for his actions. And truth be told, there is not attractive or sexy about a man who is over 40 and acts like a 5-year-old and then add to that all his whining about how hard it has been for him. As if it wasn't hard on me or his poor wife. At the end of the day, I am probably the luckiest of all the parties involved as I get to walk away with my self-respect and pride perhaps a little dented, but still intact. Thank you so much TBF, have missed your posts....I haven't been on line much lately BBE....I totally agree and can identify greatly....hmmmm, being there for me....only if it was convinient or fit his purpose....he wasn't even there for his W. Remembering back when we worked together, I walked in to our work area and noticed him on the phone, I heard parts of the conversation....he was talking to his W, which I knew was unusual as he had not talked to her ever at work....there was a family tragedy....I heard him yelling and was very abrupt and mean....he slammed the phone down saying "F" those people. One other time he made a comment to a co-worker stating that he told her (W) to find someone else to help her....her car had broken down a 100 mi away.... Oh I got the better end of this deal....ha ha
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Thank you so much TBF, have missed your posts....I haven't been on line much lately Missed you too. I know you tried to help me when I was feeling miserable. I didn't realize it at the time and I want to thank you. *hugs*
frannie Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I think it depends at what stage in the R the NC happens, and what the reasons for it are. As some people have said, NC is often used as a tool/manipulator to get the OP to miss you, to leave the marriage... if that's the case, then evidently no one has moved on at all and there's still the killer hope/expectation hanging in the air. Affairs are hard to end, as everyone has said, because in almost every case neither party wants to end it... not really, not in terms of having that person out of their life (only for the 'affair' part to be over, in the case of the OP, and the pain to end). Walking away when both people are usually still in love (or even lust!) is terribly hard. And the break and going to NC is usually done when there is still hope, love, and desire on both parts. The problem is, that unless you go NC, then you're still really in the affair... aren't you? Or are you..? This is a question I'm dealing with at the moment. It's possible that MM and I will be ending the affair soon... how do we do that..? I don't like the idea of NC... I want to be able to talk to him now and then when my worries and fears come up... but is that possible or helpful..? I will be at a point when I realise there is no other option but ending it, but... it's still painful. I want my life to get better and easier... and NC is in no way easy. The temptation will be there for a long time to just go back to the affair. I know, because I went through it all last summer.
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 frannie, have you considered a weaning off period where the two of you see less and less of each other?
frannie Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 frannie, have you considered a weaning off period where the two of you see less and less of each other? Hello TBF. Thanks for replying. That's what we've been talking about as an approach, I suppose. Well, first of all we won't see each other at all once we've decided to end it. That will be easy for us to achieve since we live in different cities. It will be only phonecalls and emails. Presumably getting less and less as time goes on. Eventually though there will have to be a cut-off, or it will be open-ended forever. I'm hoping for it to be natural and with enough time to process it all. I really hope we don't have to go this route, it's hard enough to discuss, let alone actually do.
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