challa Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I have been with my husband on and off for 18 years, since we were teens. We have been married now for almost two years. I found out from him (on Valentine's Day no less) that a few years ago when we were seperated he slept with my sister. In my house. Not once but more than once. My initial reaction was pure hate. Now, I am devastated. Our relationship has always been a work in progress and we had just gotten to a good place in the last few months. Had I been armed with this information I might have made different decisions in my life. I certainly would not have wanted to be intimate with him anymore. My sister was my best friend. I have now cut all ties with her. I just can't sleep, can't get the images out of my head. I am so sickened and feel so betrayed and humiliated. My father thinks I could forgive, but I don't think so. Could you forgive? What would you do?
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I found out from him (on Valentine's Day no less) that a few years ago when we were seperated he slept with my sister. In my house. Not once but more than once. Could you forgive? What would you do? I don't think I would be able to excuse either of them because that, to me, seems to be the ultimate betrayal -- your sister, in your house, likely in your bed, repeat performances, et al. After my experiences with the ex, infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker in my home. It is for my wife as well. As for forgiveness, yes, in time. That doesn't mean I would want or need to have anything to do with either of them. It simply means I'd eventually forgive them and I'd do it for me, not for them. Until you've forgiven someone who's harmed or betrayed you you're forever tied to them emotionally and that's not something you really want to live with. Once you've forgiven them you can move on to the blessed state of indifference where they are concerned. They never have to know you've forgiven them. Only you do. What a rotten situation for you.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 How long were you separated for and did you ever have the previous conversation about any others during this time?
Miss_Bee Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 How long were you separated for and did you ever have the previous conversation about any others during this time? In my opinion, It really doesn't matter TBF. About how long they were separated is nether here nor there.... THAT is the worst betrayal on earth. Her sister obviously doesn't have a heart to do suck a thing to her sister... and her husband well..... there are much more colourful words that i can use for him.... to the OP: I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a terrible thing. But i think the only way that you'll get over it is to remove yourself from the situation... I know that is such a typical thing to hear on these boards, but this situation is different. 18 years is ALOT of time, and it is alot to walk away from. You need to ask yourself this, can you ever forgive either one of them? or either of them for that matter? If you choose to stay with your husband can you look at him every day and not think about what he did with your sister? If you stay with your husband, can you find in your heart to forgive what your sister has done and maintain a relationship with her while still being with your husband? Let alone at all, regardless if you choose to stay with him?
norajane Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I am so sorry! That's the worst kind of double betrayal - that the people who supposedly love you most, would do such a thing to suit themselves. I hope you can go to a therapist to help you deal with this emotional and psychological pain. There's no shame in asking for help. I can't imagine what you must be going through. As for forgiveness, as Curmudgeon said, perhaps after some time has passed, I would be able to forgive, not for their benefit, but for my own. I have learned that carrying around hatred and pain is detrimental to me - it does not allow me to heal and move on. The husband would be history - no amount of forgiveness would allow me to trust him on the kind of intimate level I would need to trust my husband. The sister...well...I'd have to work through the pain first, and that would take a long time, I think. Perhaps if she were truly remorseful and in anguish about what she had done...but, I don't know if I could ever have a "normal" relationship with her again. I certainly wouldn't be concerned with that now, though. Now, you need to heal. Please seek some counseling to help you.
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 How long were you separated for and did you ever have the previous conversation about any others during this time? Like Miss Bee said, it doesn't really matter. The ex and I were divorced for two yearsw prior to and ending in divorce and while she was quick to jump into another relationship, I waited until after the divorce was final to have anything to do with anyone. Interestingly enough, the ex is the one who left and she filed for legal separation, only. I was still willing to try for recconciliation but as soon as I found out that she had moved her boyfriend in with her and our two minor daughters I immediately counter-filed for divorce. End of story. End of her. Turns out she'd met him seven months before she left. I have never regretted living like a monk for those years until I was no longer legally married.
Woggle Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I would never forgive that. Cheating is bad enough but with a family member is even worse. I would divorce him because there is no going back after that.
Author challa Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Thank you everyone. I initially called my sister and gave her the opportunity to tell me the truth. At first she denied it and then she went quiet. I told her that this was her last chance to be honest with me, and she didn't respond. I hung up and I then wrote her a letter and told her that she could no longer be a part of my life. I am so angry, I don't think that I coudl ever see her in person again. As for the amount of time that we were seperated, it wasn't long, a few months. I didnt think it was necessary to discuss him not sleeping with my relatives IMHO. I was out of town and he kept the kids at my apartment b/c at that time he was living with his mom. It happened then. In my house, most likely my bed. He isn't divulging the information anymore and is now saying he is suicidal so I end up comforting him. I will be moving soon, I have purchased a property a few towns away. I just feel resentful and hurt beyond words.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 If he is suicidal, get him help now. Don't take it upon yourself to look after him. He needs a shrink, help him get one, but do NOT let him turn this around on you! Unfortunately, he is paying the price, suffering the consquences of his choices and actions...And, so is your sister. I am sorry for your pain, that's an awful double betrayal. And, I'm sure now that they've been busted, NOW the guilt and bad feelings are hitting them hard...Too bad they didn't think of the BEFORE choosing to do what they did. Protect your children, look after yourself - And keep posting.
norajane Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 See, I wouldn't have a whole lot of sympathy with your H, no matter what he is saying about being suicidal. He didn't feel suicidal when he was having sex with your sister, or in the time since then. It's just now that his actions have been discovered. So, he's not sorry for doing what he did, just sorry he was found out for who he is. You are the one he betrayed, and he's turning this into being all about HIM. Selfish, selfish, selfish, just as his actions were in the first place. This suicide stuff is emotional blackmail. Tell him to seek therapy himself.
Author challa Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Your words mean so much to me, thank you. I guess I just needed to hear for myself what I know to be true in my heart. I would never even let my mind wander in that direction, much less act upon those feelings. EVER. I don't think most people would. They are just two of a kind, apparently. I feel like the floor fell out from under me, my life is unrecognizable anymore.
silktricks Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I don't have the words to tell you how bad I feel for you. As NJ said, your H is trying for emotional blackmail with the suicide ploy. Do tell him though, to get to a therapist, and that you are not that person. That would be worst kind of betrayal in the world. My heart goes out to you.
Sassy Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I believe it is more forgiveable with they cheat with someone else. Not saying that is any better. I wouldn't be able to forgive neither my spouse or my sister. I applaud you if you have the strength to do it . For me it would be unforgiveable. I would divorce my spouse . JMO
EnigmasMuse Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I believe it is more forgiveable with they cheat with someone else. Not saying that is any better. I wouldn't be able to forgive neither my spouse or my sister. I applaud you if you have the strength to do it . For me it would be unforgiveable. I would divorce my spouse . JMO I would divorce my spouse reguardless of wheather it was with my sister or not. Cheating is cheating in my book if its with a family memeber or not. I divorced my husband when he cheated anyway, its just something I wont tolerate. I think more of myself than that to stay in a situation such as that.
Author challa Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 I am having a hard day after getting no sleep and being so depressed. I appreciate all of you chiming in with your opinions, thanks again. I think I know what I have to do, even though it is painful for me to come to terms with that. I have to move on in my life because I will not be able to think of him in the same way ever again.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I am sorry for your pain and can understand the feelings you have of extreme betrayal but since you were separated, he didn't technically cheat on you. Also, since you never asked him about any others during the time you were separated, I'm surprised he told you about it at all. If he had done this within a day or a week of your separation, it would have been evidence that he was morally bankrupt and didn't care sufficiently for you before he decided to unzip. People sleep with siblings primarily for revenge. Sometimes they do so because the siblings remind them of what they loved and lost.
silktricks Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I am having a hard day after getting no sleep and being so depressed. I appreciate all of you chiming in with your opinions, thanks again. I think I know what I have to do, even though it is painful for me to come to terms with that. I have to move on in my life because I will not be able to think of him in the same way ever again. How long have you known?
Author challa Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 He told me on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
silktricks Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 He told me on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Since he told you, it sounds like he's wanting your relationship fixed if it can be. You say that you'll never be able to forgive him, and maybe you won't, but it also seems like you are talking about leaving him not because you really want to leave him, but more because you are hurt, angry and in some way feel you are supposed to leave him. To really truly answer your initial question "could you forgive?" I've got to say that I don't know. If we were together at the time of the betrayal, probably not, if we weren't - the chances would be much better. But there are so many conflicting emotions that you've got going on this close to d-day - especially a d-day like yours was. I'd be less likely to forgive my sister than my husband, I can tell you that much. But, I already have issues with my sister, and those issues would also tie into my ability to forgive my husband. . . ?!?!? Is it possible for you to take some time rather than trying to actually decide anything right now?
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I'd be less likely to forgive my sister than my husband, This is something I completely agree with. She appears to have issues to want to do this to a sib, although it is reliant on how old she is, her experience with men and her maturity level.
Author challa Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 No, I really do want to leave. I can't stand the sight of him right now. I have dealt with a lot of hurt in this relationship and this is the proverbual icing on the cake. I don't want to endure another 18 years of this. As for her, the hate that I feel scares me, considering that she was my best friend just a short time ago. I can't even consider forgiving her, probably never will. As for him, we have children and have to deal with each other regardless.
mopar crazy Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I don't think I would be able to excuse either of them because that, to me, seems to be the ultimate betrayal -- your sister, in your house, likely in your bed, repeat performances, et al. After my experiences with the ex, infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker in my home. It is for my wife as well. As for forgiveness, yes, in time. That doesn't mean I would want or need to have anything to do with either of them. It simply means I'd eventually forgive them and I'd do it for me, not for them. Until you've forgiven someone who's harmed or betrayed you you're forever tied to them emotionally and that's not something you really want to live with. Once you've forgiven them you can move on to the blessed state of indifference where they are concerned. They never have to know you've forgiven them. Only you do. What a rotten situation for you. No need to say what I was going to say b/c this basically said what I would. Sorry about this. This would really hurt!
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 See, I wouldn't have a whole lot of sympathy with your H, no matter what he is saying about being suicidal. He didn't feel suicidal when he was having sex with your sister, or in the time since then. It's just now that his actions have been discovered. So, he's not sorry for doing what he did, just sorry he was found out for who he is. You are the one he betrayed, and he's turning this into being all about HIM. Selfish, selfish, selfish, just as his actions were in the first place. This suicide stuff is emotional blackmail. Tell him to seek therapy himself. I agree. His feelings are secondary in this right now. I don't have the words to tell you how bad I feel for you. As NJ said, your H is trying for emotional blackmail with the suicide ploy. Do tell him though, to get to a therapist, and that you are not that person. That would be worst kind of betrayal in the world. My heart goes out to you. Me too Challa. I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I am having a hard day after getting no sleep and being so depressed. I appreciate all of you chiming in with your opinions, thanks again. I think I know what I have to do, even though it is painful for me to come to terms with that. I have to move on in my life because I will not be able to think of him in the same way ever again. Your instincts are right I think. Yes it is painful and hard, but nothing lasts forever, not even these feelings of pain. You willl be OK- it may not seem that way right now, but you will be with time.
Author challa Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 You people are a godsend right now. I really needed a few kind words, and some rational opinions. Thank you so much. I get to thinking that maybe it isn't such a bad thing to do to someone, and then I snap back into reality. It would be easy to stay, IMO. The hardest thing to do is leave. I hope that makes sense. But I can't just sweep this under the rug like we have so many times before. We wouldn't be able to walk into the room...lol.
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Be strong. You are right- staying would be easy. But not the right thing to do... you deserve better.
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