outofdarkness Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Thread highjack... outofdarkness, I love your avatar. The wistful beauty of it really touches me for some reason. Yeah, it really made an impression on me too. I thought well, mabey people will think that I like to "make ripples" in other's lives, but then I realized I was over analyzing as usual, and to go ahead and use it just b/c I love how graceful and peaceful it looks!
crazy_grl Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I think a W should always be told about an affair. It's not being told the truth that hurts her. It's the affair itself. But being that this was an EA and never made it to PA, it seems to me that it would be easier for H to make you out to be an obsessed nut. He could make you look bad and still come off scott free himself. "I was just trying to help her out. She took it the wrong way. I never had any interest in her. Nothing happened between us." Do you have any way to prove that the EA wasn't completely one-sided and all in your head? If he does make you out to be some nut, he and/or his W might spread this around to your other neighbors. It might even get back to your kids. Unless of course he is having multiple affairs and W is just waiting for some kind of real proof to back up her suspicions. Then he might get the brunt of the fallout, but you might still have some yourself. I haven't read much of your story. Why is it that you think he's got multiple OW? Do you know for sure or just suspect? Do you think W suspects he has OW? How close are you with W, besides being neighbors, do you consider each other friends?
frannie Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 But being that this was an EA and never made it to PA, it seems to me that it would be easier for H to make you out to be an obsessed nut. He could make you look bad and still come off scott free himself. "I was just trying to help her out. She took it the wrong way. I never had any interest in her. Nothing happened between us." Do you have any way to prove that the EA wasn't completely one-sided and all in your head? If he does make you out to be some nut, he and/or his W might spread this around to your other neighbors. It might even get back to your kids. AP, I agree with this, I'm afraid. Didn't he already say something to her along the lines of "I think AP has inappropriate feelings for me" or something..? That is more than likely the line he would take if you said anything. Plus from what you say, his W almost certainly knows (but doesn't know) what he's like. Why put yourself in the firing line just to give her information she may well reject... an EA..? easily dismissed or turned back on you unless she WANTS to know (i.e. is ready to divorce him). I can understand how you feel... particularly now you think he has found someone new. But I don't think telling her would lead to anything but a whole heap of misery for everyone concerned, adults and children. I just don't think it would be worth it.
serial muse Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 AP, I think you're being kind of harsh on this guy's wife, with all the talk about how she must know and is content and puts up with it and so forth. I don't get that. You had absolute incontrovertible proof that he's a cheater and a liar for 18 months and it still wasn't enough to convince you he's a jerk until now. From what you've written, she doesn't have any of that proof, only confusion and suspicion, which is damn hard to deal with when a man is gaslighting you. So why talk smack about her for not knowing? I know you've got all this anger toward him, that much is clear from your posts, but I just don't understand why you'd want to transfer that onto her. She didn't do anything to you. Tell, don't tell, that's up to you, but please stop talking about her like you want to punish her for his crap and lies. I mean, I know you want her to just KNOW already, so that he can finally get what's coming to him or whatever. So that he can hurt. I hear your frustration, and I can hear you transferring that frustration to her. HOW can she not know?? Etc. But, you see, it isn't her "fault" she doesn't know. It's his (and, well - yours too, to be honest, since you did lie outright to her). Don't blame her for being on the receiving end of all that.
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 AP, I agree with this, I'm afraid. Didn't he already say something to her along the lines of "I think AP has inappropriate feelings for me" or something..? That is more than likely the line he would take if you said anything. Plus from what you say, his W almost certainly knows (but doesn't know) what he's like. Why put yourself in the firing line just to give her information she may well reject... an EA..? easily dismissed or turned back on you unless she WANTS to know (i.e. is ready to divorce him). I can understand how you feel... particularly now you think he has found someone new. But I don't think telling her would lead to anything but a whole heap of misery for everyone concerned, adults and children. I just don't think it would be worth it. Frannie, He told me he told her just that! And that's what makes me so upset. Now I look like the A was all my fault and it hurts. "I think AP has inappropriate feelings for me" or something..? That is more than likely the line he would take if you said anything." AP
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I think it would depend on if you're doing it for revenge, as in, if I can't have him then neither should wifey. THAT would be wrong and very selfish.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 I think it would depend on if you're doing it for revenge, as in, if I can't have him then neither should wifey. THAT would be wrong and very selfish. To tell his wife would not be revenge against her at all. I feel sorry for her. This MM has a big problem.All I can say is that when you are married and get into an affair it's in my strong GUT OP that a certain kind of love does not exist with your spouse, case in point!!! The one thing on this site that bother's me is the "Male Vs., "Female" thing! We are all human! I don't care if a man is more "Sexually Driven", so to speak! If lady has an affair ohh now that is so wrong, just plain old wrong. Oh and the MW whos goes sniffing around, well we might as well just call her "nuts. To much Judgement on this site in my OP only! AP
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I was willing to "Fess" up to H. Him NOT, Tell the W Yeah Right?? If you think you can tell the wife, but hide it from your husband then you're very naive. Mind your own business. If you have the urge to tell someone, tell YOUR husband. HE needs to know as much as that wife needs to know. You seem to have double standards.
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I haven't read your whole thread, but I agree with RP. If you're going to force a dday onto this MM's W, then YOUR husband has the right to know. Where's the difference? It sounds like you're picking and choosing whom you want to know. You say you want to tell W because she deserves to know. So does your husband. Where do you think he doesn't and she does? Sounds to me like it may have alot to do with my original opinion of why you want her to know. If you're going to tell W, then everyone involved should know. Why make it easier on your husband? Because he's your husband and you don't want him hurt? The MM in your life, well, his W, she doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I don't know any of you. I'm just stating my opinion. If it's harsh, then, so be it. Don't you want honesty now, at this time in your life? You certainly need it, with yourself and others involved in your A with this MM.
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 If I was being cheated on I would want to know. Wouldn't you? But coming from the OP isn't a good idea. He will cover his ass and say you are a nutcase chasing him and she will want to believe it. I don't know. Can a friend call her anonymously from a payphone? A note on her car? You can thing of something. This poster's idea is definitely a cowards' way out. Don't have a "good samaritan" do your job for you. That's bull. Face your problems. Don't have your best friend Suzy do it for you.
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 when you are married and get into an affair it's in my strong GUT OP that a certain kind of love does not exist with your spouseTrue. But what makes you think that the people involved don't feel this already and you are the one who will come and say "Guess what! Something is wrong with your marriage, because your husband was horny for me." He ditched you a few months ago. It seems like he decided to repair things with his wife and work on the marriage. So what would be the purpose of telling her? You, on the other hand, wanted to leave your husband for him. I don't think your intentions are genuine, I think you have an agenda. You want the guy to get into a big fight with his wife so that you can benefit from it. You want him back. And you feel weird around his wife, because she is your friend and lives next door. And you don't give a rat's about your husband. Forget the guy, AP. I am not telling you this to criticize you, but it does sound like it, because that's how you sound to me. You're hoping that something will happen and you will have him back, he will leave his wife for you, and you will live happily ever after. But that won't happen, AP. You live in a dream - he is NOT who you think he is. You don't know him. His wife knows him. He is your fantasy with his face. If you two were right for each other, he would have left his wife for you. But he knows that the person he presented to you is not him. And what you love so much doesn't exist. Not in him... I guarantee you that you would be disappointed in him in no time if you were a legitimate couple. Wake up and either do something with your marriage or divorce and find the right person for you.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 If you think you can tell the wife, but hide it from your husband then you're very naive. Mind your own business. If you have the urge to tell someone, tell YOUR husband. HE needs to know as much as that wife needs to know. You seem to have double standards. RP, AP did tell her husband, but the husband decided not to tell the MM's wife, just like the MM hasn't said anything to his own wife about his affair with AP.
bridget_jones Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 NO. Please move on with your life. Sitting around and stewing over what your exMM didn't tell his wife...well it just doesn't matter. You need to focus on yourself and how to not fall into an EMA again. It's not healthy to think about how his wife must know. Please move on. I'm sure your therapist is telling you the same thing. If not get a new therapist. Don't tell her, let it go and move on!!! Spend your time in activities, walking, yoga, afternoon movie, creative writing class, ...something to give your life fulfillment and usefulness so that you do something besides obsess over this.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 True. But what makes you think that the people involved don't feel this already and you are the one who will come and say "Guess what! Something is wrong with your marriage, because your husband was horny for me." He ditched you a few months ago. It seems like he decided to repair things with his wife and work on the marriage. So what would be the purpose of telling her? You, on the other hand, wanted to leave your husband for him. I don't think your intentions are genuine, I think you have an agenda. You want the guy to get into a big fight with his wife so that you can benefit from it. You want him back. And you feel weird around his wife, because she is your friend and lives next door. And you don't give a rat's about your husband. Forget the guy, AP. I am not telling you this to criticize you, but it does sound like it, because that's how you sound to me. You're hoping that something will happen and you will have him back, he will leave his wife for you, and you will live happily ever after. But that won't happen, AP. You live in a dream - he is NOT who you think he is. You don't know him. His wife knows him. He is your fantasy with his face. If you two were right for each other, he would have left his wife for you. But he knows that the person he presented to you is not him. And what you love so much doesn't exist. Not in him... I guarantee you that you would be disappointed in him in no time if you were a legitimate couple. Wake up and either do something with your marriage or divorce and find the right person for you. RP, first and foremost Here, I am not in anyway involved with MM any longer. The only contact at this point is very minimal for the children's sake. I know that telling the W is not the thing to do and have NO intention's of telling her. I do feel for the woman that she lives with a man that probably get's away with having several affair's. Whether they be E/A's or P/A's. I was just responding to a post on this thread with some thought's. AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 NO. Please move on with your life. Sitting around and stewing over what your exMM didn't tell his wife...well it just doesn't matter. You need to focus on yourself and how to not fall into an EMA again. It's not healthy to think about how his wife must know. Please move on. I'm sure your therapist is telling you the same thing. If not get a new therapist. Don't tell her, let it go and move on!!! Spend your time in activities, walking, yoga, afternoon movie, creative writing class, ...something to give your life fulfillment and usefulness so that you do something besides obsess over this. Thank's Bridget for your thought's. I am doing many thing's to keep extra busy it does help. AP:)
bridget_jones Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 I am in a situation right now where I would love to blow the whistle on someone, too. Not exactly the same situation. However I know deep down it is only for revenge in my head. My therapist says this person should have the whistle blown on him but it is not my place to do it. It is tough.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 29, 2007 Author Posted March 29, 2007 I am in a situation right now where I would love to blow the whistle on someone, too. Not exactly the same situation. However I know deep down it is only for revenge in my head. My therapist says this person should have the whistle blown on him but it is not my place to do it. It is tough. Bridget, My Therapist said the same thing! I changed my tune on telling the W for a couple of reasons. (1). I think she know's that her H fool's around and put's up with it because she has very low self-esteem (2) I felt I could not hurt her or hr children by telling them what a "Snake" they live with. AP:)
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 (2) I felt I could not hurt her or hr children by telling them what a "Snake" they live with. AP:) This comment is very puzzling to me. While you were with this MM he was "da bomb" now that he's gone back to W(if I'm right) he is a snake? I hope you don't plan to seek out MMs in the future for possible love matches because you're going to find those MMs much like the one you call a snake. They just want one thing from the OW. Very rare cases does this change. Quite possibly ,btw, the BW might be with her H because she loves him or for financial security, maybe not exactly because of low self esteem. She does have a history with him. You might want to think about that. What made you want to be with a MM anyway? Some people might misconstrue your situation as you have this BW's, as low self esteem.
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