Meaplus3 Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Darn it I want to tell Xmm's wife so bad right now! I know it's not right but it's my current struggle and posting my feeling's help's.This EA that I had with him almost cost me my entire life! I was willing to "Fess" up to H. Him NOT, Tell the W Yeah Right?? I am not the kind of person that would just try to hurt someones feeling's on purpose but there is a purpose here if you know what I mean? I think she need's to know. What do you think? AP
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I think she need's to know. What do you think? I have very mixed feelings about this. If he's putting her health and possibly her life at risk with his infidelity then I would say she should be told. On the other hand, if she should be told now then she should have been told when the affair began so she could make some knowing decisions regarding her life and marriage. Of course, there's always the possibility that she already knows and still finds the marriage worth hanging on to for her own reasons and needs. Then again, if she's clueless, what's to be gained FOR HER by letting her know. All it's going to do is cause her a great deal of pain and she's not to blame for any of this so why should she have to suffer and pay? If this is your way of getting back at MM then isn't there another way you can do it that will satisfy your need without possibly destroying her? Isn't it too bad none of this was considered before the affair began? "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Sir Walter Scott
Guest Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 If I was being cheated on I would want to know. Wouldn't you? But coming from the OP isn't a good idea. He will cover his ass and say you are a nutcase chasing him and she will want to believe it. I don't know. Can a friend call her anonymously from a payphone? A note on her car? You can thing of something.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 All I can say is as one of the betrayed, I'm so glad I found out and had the opportunity to talk to the OW. Each person is different. You have to do what feels right and examine why you want to do it. I can only say once again that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
gigglesxx Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 How will your MM feel if you tell the W? I think that it feels like breaking the ice, and doing what the MM should really do himself, would make it all better, but what if after doing this, the MM resents you for letting the cat out of the bag? what if, not only do you lose him because he's angry at you, but he also loses his W? Just my humble opinion.... today, i thought of the same thing.... somehow letting an anonymous message get to the W so that I could have what I want, but then I'm really just putting my desires in front of everyone elses. Instead, I need to put my own desires in front of everyone elses by leaving the MM and finding a single man that I can have all on my own.
bonehead Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Darn it I want to tell Xmm's wife so bad right now! I know it's not right but it's my current struggle and posting my feeling's help's.This EA that I had with him almost cost me my entire life! I was willing to "Fess" up to H. Him NOT, Tell the W Yeah Right?? I am not the kind of person that would just try to hurt someones feeling's on purpose but there is a purpose here if you know what I mean? I think she need's to know. What do you think? AP Ok, WHAT is the purpose? I dont want the text book answers. Be honest. Is the purpose truly to inform her so she knows or is it to cause pain equal to what you have been going through?
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 You have to remember how many lives will be affected by this AP. Her kids won't be over to see your kids anymore too, so keep the kid factor inline. Fact you two are neighbours makes the whole situation more complicated. Your reasons for wanting to tell her, to make the MM suffer, is it really worth it? I really wish you were able to tune out him, and focus all that energy into your own marriage, life and children. Sit down and do a list for yourself. Worst case senario and best case senario of you telling her. What is it that you want to happen? Them to split up and then he tries to ruin your marriage, so you'll leave your H and be with him? So he'll just be the doghouse? You are just as much responsible for the A as he is, and because you chose to tell your husband about it, doesn't mean he MUST do the same with his wife. Remember this too, if you mess in his life, tell his wife, he WILL mess with your life. And it may not be pretty at all....... Is it really worth it?
outofdarkness Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 All I can say is as one of the betrayed, I'm so glad I found out and had the opportunity to talk to the OW. Each person is different. You have to do what feels right and examine why you want to do it. I can only say once again that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, I too, am glad the main OW finally came clean...Even if it was not for the right reasons on her part, I am still glad that I found out. Otherwise, I'd still be living a lie...I did think that it shouldn't be told in anger for the wrong reasons, but after posting some on LS, I now think that whatever the WAY it's told, it needs to be told...To the BS that is...
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Yeah, I too, am glad the main OW finally came clean...Even if it was not for the right reasons on her part, I am still glad that I found out. Otherwise, I'd still be living a lie...I did think that it shouldn't be told in anger for the wrong reasons, but after posting some on LS, I now think that whatever the WAY it's told, it needs to be told...To the BS that is... I would also still be living a lie with a consummate liar and that to me is an untenable situation.
mopar crazy Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 As a BW, I would want to know but like I said in the other thread, I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW unless it was in a letter. That way I could get my thoughts together if I chose to confront her w/ the news.
NoIDidn't Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 You have to remember how many lives will be affected by this AP. Her kids won't be over to see your kids anymore too, so keep the kid factor inline. Fact you two are neighbours makes the whole situation more complicated. Your reasons for wanting to tell her, to make the MM suffer, is it really worth it? I really wish you were able to tune out him, and focus all that energy into your own marriage, life and children. Sit down and do a list for yourself. Worst case senario and best case senario of you telling her. What is it that you want to happen? Them to split up and then he tries to ruin your marriage, so you'll leave your H and be with him? So he'll just be the doghouse? You are just as much responsible for the A as he is, and because you chose to tell your husband about it, doesn't mean he MUST do the same with his wife. Remember this too, if you mess in his life, tell his wife, he WILL mess with your life. And it may not be pretty at all....... Is it really worth it? I think WWIU is dead on with this. Do you want to have your kids hate you because of something you did that affected them negatively? I don't mean to come on so strongly, but we know how kids talk in extremes. What about when the W starts telling the other neighbors? We all know that she will. And then it will get around the kids' school once the kids no longer hang out and other kids want to know why. It would have been great if the two of you would have thought of this before even having an EA, but I know that is not usually the way it goes (so I am not judging). But these are things to consider when telling. If someone told anonymously, the W would want to confirm with you. So that wouldn't work either. If its really over, is it worth telling if you are truly moving on? Or do you just want him to struggle like you are? Its not fair, but that's life.
Spinderella Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 i think handle it with as little drama as possible. every situation has a chance to heal without aggravation. you dont really know what he is thinking, perhaps he feels bad about the ea, and has decided to really sort himself out and give his all to his marriage. in this case, would telling her really help matters? maybe he made a mistake, and has decided to right it. i think its fine that she does not ever know about it, really. it sounds as though you are angry at him because your life was badly affected by this when it appears he has walked away unscathed. i think one of the biggest mistakes people make is comparison, especially when relationships end. try not comparing your situation to his. just deal with your own stuff, keep very focussed on that. it seems to me that the very last thing that you need in your life right now is more drama. you need to heal. heal yourself and heal your marriage, i dont see that focussing on him and his marriage is going to help you at all with that.
Jinxx Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Of course without knowing your entire situation, what purpose does it serve to tell? I dunno..... Why put the BS in pain... really, if it something they can be spared. I know some BS's want to know. Personally, I suffer enough as it is. Oh it would so easy to go and tell the BS what her husband has been doing with me along with the family secrets I know. Why hurt someone else. Am I missing something here? Us OW/OM allowed ourselves to be put in this situation. But what do we have to gain by telling? Revenge? Or is something else.
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Of course without knowing your entire situation, what purpose does it serve to tell? I dunno..... Why put the BS in pain... really, if it something they can be spared. I know some BS's want to know. Personally, I suffer enough as it is. Oh it would so easy to go and tell the BS what her husband has been doing with me along with the family secrets I know. Why hurt someone else. Am I missing something here? Us OW/OM allowed ourselves to be put in this situation. But what do we have to gain by telling? Revenge? Or is something else. I think what it boils down to here is one evening of this past NOV H and I got together with MM and W. We all had a few to many "Tinis" if you know what I mean? and by the time I knew it it was 2 am. MM went home, H went to bed and W and I went out side for a walk. I started to say thing's to her like "Does it bother you that your H always checks out other woman in front of you"? She than asked me right there at that moment "What happened between you and my H? I had a chance to tell her and did not. I just said , "Oh we talk alot, he help's me with the kid's". Ya know my therapist said she probably knows he has dealing's with Many Other woman and just deal's with it. I just feel sad for her. After my H scared me with (made up story about a stripper) I was ready to give him the boot. I guess some people have tolerance for this kind of treatment? I realized that when the shoe was on the other foot "I don't". What I wonder is how low does yourself esteem as a person have to be to tolerate a man that has had many affair's, E.a, Pa,s , it's must be very low IMO! Where's the love and respect for the marriage?? I am not a saint, for I did wrong, however I will never do this again and have MANY regret's!! AP
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I started to say thing's to her like "Does it bother you that your H always checks out other woman in front of you"? Wow AP. Can I ask why you would ask her such a thing? Anyway, don't say anything to her. If you do, she's gonna remember that conversation you two had and feel like a real fool! I mean, she asked you outright about you and her H, and you didn't tell her.
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Wow AP. Can I ask why you would ask her such a thing? Anyway, don't say anything to her. If you do, she's gonna remember that conversation you two had and feel like a real fool! I mean, she asked you outright about you and her H, and you didn't tell her. I could not tell her than Whichway I had a few drink's. I guess I was playing her a bit with that comment. Do you think I like the fact that her H played me bad and now I have to live nextdoor to this fool and see him acting like nothing had happened? It bother's me Whichway. His freaking EGO is sooo big that he think's he is above all else, including his wife. Even if I was further removed It would still bug me but now as much. Why do you all not realize how difficult it is to live NEXTDOOR to a man you had an A with? !
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 But, unfortunately as hard as this is for you AP, it was your choice to get involved with him in the first place. BOTH of you together got yourselves into this, and now that it's over, the price to pay is putting up with eachother. I really hope you learn to turn it off and tune him out. Yes, you resent him, yes he has a big ego, but you have to control your own thoughts and get over it. If you don't, you'll be letting him WIN now. Do you think he sits at home thinking of you, wondering this and that? No, probably not. He's enjoying time with his wife...Do the same for yourself. Focus that anger into yourself to get over him completely.
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 But, unfortunately as hard as this is for you AP, it was your choice to get involved with him in the first place. BOTH of you together got yourselves into this, and now that it's over, the price to pay is putting up with eachother. I really hope you learn to turn it off and tune him out. Yes, you resent him, yes he has a big ego, but you have to control your own thoughts and get over it. If you don't, you'll be letting him WIN now. Do you think he sits at home thinking of you, wondering this and that? No, probably not. He's enjoying time with his wife...Do the same for yourself. Focus that anger into yourself to get over him completely. Whichway, He is not my focus at all! I am enjoying my H VERY much. H and I have been spending so much time together and I love it! As For MM? Oh yes I am sure he enjoy's his time with the wife in the very little time that they spend together. In fact he is not home as much anymore? Wonder why? NEW OW PERHAPS? His focus is on the kid's, not her, I know this for a fact. But you are right!! Focus on my M which I am doing and doing pretty well considering that I had an big time EA with a womanizer. I have the right to feel angry, it's part of the healing process.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 In fact he is not home as much anymore? Wonder why? NEW OW PERHAPS? The answer to that should be, WHO CARES. Yup, you do have a right to be angry, ofcourse! Just don't let it upset you so much.
Author Meaplus3 Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 The answer to that should be, WHO CARES. Yup, you do have a right to be angry, ofcourse! Just don't let it upset you so much. Whichway, I just hate the fact that I was played! I am a type "A" person. I have meet so many people in my 37 years and I will say this whichway, none had bugged me as much as this MM. Had a couple of BF's before my marriage and yes these guy's where not for me. MM for me, NO. However whichway, this man know's my family is a Director of Social work and continued to play me. I asked him when he said he told his wife, I said "what did you tell her"? : He said I told her BLANK and BLANK should work on their marriage"? Sick right? IMO YES! AP
Catharsis Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Whichway, I just hate the fact that I was played! I am a type "A" person. I have meet so many people in my 37 years and I will say this whichway, none had bugged me as much as this MM. Had a couple of BF's before my marriage and yes these guy's where not for me. MM for me, NO. However whichway, this man know's my family is a Director of Social work and continued to play me. I asked him when he said he told his wife, I said "what did you tell her"? : He said I told her BLANK and BLANK should work on their marriage"? Sick right? IMO YES! AP AP, I SO totally understand you. I get so furious about the fact that this bastard played me like he did, and still does it to other women, while his W is totally clueless and thinks he walks on water. He would have had no problem with luring me into a full blown PA and really mess me up and then just go about his merry way after getting what he wanted. It makes me want to throw up, and he deserves to get his ass kicked. I have so much hard core evidence against him that would destroy his career and possibly his M and I get mighty tempted sometimes to expose for the liar and cheater he really his. But I know he would eventually figure out that I;m the one who did it and then he would no doubt make my life a living hell, and I don't need that drama.
Spinderella Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 i dont want to upset anybody but one thing i have learned in relationships is that we do choose who we get involved with, and know far more about them than we think we do. for some reason you chose to fall in love with and get involved with this ego maniac. its harsh to take responsibility for something that hurts us so much, and of course puzzling that we would ever choose such a thing. i think part of being so angry at him is part of being angry with yourself. why not forgive both of you? we all do these things, its ok. as long as we then choose to work on living more consciously, for our own sakes.
Jinxx Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 MM went home, H went to bed and W and I went out side for a walk. I started to say thing's to her like "Does it bother you that your H always checks out other woman in front of you"? She than asked me right there at that moment "What happened between you and my H? I had a chance to tell her and did not. I just said , "Oh we talk alot, he help's me with the kid's". Ya know my therapist said she probably knows he has dealing's with Many Other woman and just deal's with it. I just feel sad for her. Even with a few "tini's" in you I think it is a good thing your didn't say anything. She probably already has her own suspicions anyway. I also know XMM's wife although not socially. I think XMM would like to see us all socialize some day but nope, not interested. She is a nice woman. I feel sorry for both of them actually because each of them are missing out on so much but then are content living their life as is.
outofdarkness Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 As a BW, I would want to know but like I said in the other thread, I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW unless it was in a letter. That way I could get my thoughts together if I chose to confront her w/ the news. I don't know if you wish this or not. I got a letter in the mail; snail mail that is, from my H's main 10 year OW...I know you all have heard this a zillion times, but it really made an impression on me..It wasn't just your standard OW letter, it focused sooo much on our children, most especially our ill child...and how she felt she had felt everything over the years except the labor pains, blah blah blah...It was devastating, and I STILL get sort of spooked when I have to go to my mailbox and check the mail....
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Thread highjack... outofdarkness, I love your avatar. The wistful beauty of it really touches me for some reason.
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