Purple Chicken Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I sure could do with some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and in general we have a very good relationship. He is kind and loving in every way and he is very affectionate and tactile and we spend at least 4 nights together every week. We have a big problem with sex though. For the last year his ability to get hard has almost disappeared, to the point that we almost never have sex now because he can't stay hard. It's got that he takes ages to get even semi-hard, then loses it immediately. I am so frustrated. We have talked about it and he told me he constantly worries that he is pleasing me. I have reassured him that he has always pleased me but it doesn't make any difference, he still can't perform. I don't want to keep bringing the subject up with him because I don't want to make him worry even more. We never used to have this problem, it's only been over the past year and I can't think of anything that's happened to change things. He told me he has never had this problem in previous relationships, but one thing he did say was that he had never had a "proper" relationship before. Although he has had relationships that lasted a few years, he never felt they were proper relationships. He told me he felt our relationship was what he considered a "proper" relationship and that he worried about keeping me happy, and that he worried that I would think he didn't find me attractive. He can get hard and play with himself when we're not together with no problems, and although I am generally cool with porn I am starting to feel a little resentful about him getting off on porn when we haven't had full sex for a year. He has no health problems, he isn't stressed, he isn't depressed, he is in good shape and he's in his early 30's. Is this a fear of intimacy and committment? Is it performance anxiety? Or is he just making excuses for not finding me attractive anymore? What can I do to help him get over this?
Crazy Eddie Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Make him a doctor's appointment. Unless you're like 300 pounds or 70 years old or clearly not into it at all, a guy whose junk is working properly should be able to at least get hard and stay hard most of the time. Has he tried one of the Viagra-like medicines?
Author Purple Chicken Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 He hasn't taken any medication, but he doesn't need it when he's not with me, he can get hard & get off by himself, it's just when we're together he can't.
norajane Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 This has been going on for a year and he hasn't seen a counselor to figure out his problem? If he gets hard and stays hard masturbating to porn, then it's not a physical problem he has. It's psychological. He needs to see a shrink.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 i completely agree with norajane..there is something going on in his head. he is scared of something if he get himself off without u around, so u should def. suggest he get counseling, because yes there is something wrong.
SoleMate Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 ...I am so frustrated....he told me he constantly worries that he is pleasing me...I have reassured him that he has always pleased me... Maybe try a bit more honesty and let him know how frustrated you are. Yes, this is a psychological problem on his side. PLUS, he senses your seeming insincerity when you say that he has always pleased you, yet he knows you're frustrated. Sure, you don't want to say anything that will hurt him. But believe me, he already knows that he's letting you down. Male sexual "performance" is a touchy issue. We women don't have to "perform", why should they? Maybe try some sex counselling, or just tell each other: No efforts at intercourse or orgasms for the next month, just enjoy closeness, backrubs, long walks, firelight, skin to skin touching, kissing, stroking. Take "performance" and "goals" completely out of the equation, and just do only what you truly want to. Not saying you need to give up "vagpen" for all time though. Just to see how you both respond when the rules and expectations change.
burning 4 revenge Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I suggest you dump him and tell him you think he's gay. And if he protests that he isn't gay you should laugh at him and tell him he can't please a woman so maybe he should roll over and please men. Then tell him to get out of your sight and that no woman could ever love him. Something like that.
Krytellan Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Oh boy, this is a rough one. First of all chill out and don't get stressed about anything. This is totally fixable, if everyone involved wants to put in the effort. I have ben in his shoes, though admittedly, one year is an asonine amount of time to wait. Why the hell hasn't he sought to fix this? Sounds to me like he's a very complacent person... does this come through in other things in his life? Seems rather selfish of him to not try to fix this by now. Anyhoo, I digress. This is a psychological block that he has. When sex starts, he is thinking or worrying about his ability to get hard. Anyone who plays armchair psychologist knows that the more you worry about the problem, the worse off you are. His concentration on the matter is making it continue. He will not make the problem go away until the focus of attention moves from what he is "doing" to what he is "feeling". Out of curiosity, do you guys ever have successful drunk sex? If so, that's because when he is drunk, he is faaar less likely to think about the issue. Frist thing to do is BOTH of you read the book entitled "The New Male Sexuality". When I was struggling with the after-effects of a devastating marriage, I found it to be most helpful. There is advice in the book about helping the issue. It requires work by both of you. It requires attention and understanding and most of all, his dedication to wanting it to work. This is the healthy and relationship-building approach I would recommend. Many techniques involve sensate focus kinds of things: non-sexual touching, intimacy w/o orgasm, things like that. If that does not work or you still need help, I do think there is some validity to the use of one of the 3 ED meds (Viagra, Cialis, and Lavitra) even though he can do it on his own. I had no problem on my own either, just with my gf. What the pills do simply is make the blood vessels in your body far more accepting of blood flow, allowing the penis to get fully erect purely from physical sensation, regardless of the mental crap going on. After some success this way, if he can feel what it's like to "kick ass" again, he can start to ween off of the pills. Maybe taking a smaller dosage every couple weeks. What I did was take the pills only on the weekends and not use it on the weekdays when we are less likely to have sex. And every weekday has been successful since. Success breeds confidence and soon the pills will likely be unnecessary all together. Once the focus has shifted from his erection to the fun you both are having, you will be fine. But this is not an easy process and you both have to want to do it. If either one of you is faking the process, it likely will not work. If we think something will fail, it will. So, if you are loyal and committed to him and if he cares at all about you, then you guys should give it a shot. Good luck. This is one of those problems that's fun to work on
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