thecount Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I went N/C on my ex, and as time goes by it's getting harder not to call her. I thought that it was suppose to get easier. What's going on? I have every right to never speak to her again. When I left her this last time, she said "but I'll miss you too much". I said what would you miss, me or us? she said me as her friend. I told her that that's not what I'm looking for. I want something more, and I said good luck and good bye. told her to fix herself, fix her relationships with her friends taht don't want to talk to her. Her family life sucks. During the last two weeks we were together she was acting like a little spoild brat, and she was so nasty to me. We were watching TV, I said something and she said " would you just shut up"! I just couldn't take being spoken to that way. I was off for a week and I took her everywhere. and this is how you treat me? Now it's been almost 2 weeks since I've spoken to her, and I miss her. WHY!?!?
jmargel Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 And in those 2 weeks she has probably been over to her ex's numerous times, right? That or partying it up with a bunch of guys. If you are serious about this girl and want a long term relationship with her you two need couseling together. If she's apologized and is sorry for what she has done and has stopped all contact with her ex, then really what else can you expect? She can't go back in time and change everything. It's something you as a man need to move past and work on the future together. If you want to continue to punish her then you'll never be able to close that chapter of your life and look for better things (with or without her). You really have to decide on what you want. If it's to be with her then you have to learn to accept mistakes were made and they have been forgiven. You can't dwell on the past. Making out a guideline that both of you can follow to help ensure this would never happen again and for *both* of you to confront your own problems through counseling. If you try to blame everything on her then you are fooling yourself. No one is perfect.
NorCalDave Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 You miss her for the same reason I miss my ex. She was nasty and unappreciative of me too, and downright rude sometimes. I put up with it and made excuses for her, that she was hormonal or had been working all day. Whatever. You still don't treat people you love that way, especially when they are good to you, like I was to her. We haven't spoken in a couple days, and before that, a week, and before that another week. We've been breaking NC mostly because of my need to keep giving her chances to take me back, but it ain't happening. At first when I contacted her after the breakup, she was warm and loving, because she had missed me. But then every time since then, she's been getting colder and colder, and now I have no plans to talk or call at all. I'd rather us have great last memories of each other if that's possible. But I thought the NC would get easier, and it seems really hard today. Something about Fridays, I always wonder where she is and what she's up to. We always had great times on Friday's....but also lots of fights and nastiness from her with me always wondering what the heck I did to deserve getting yelled at. My ex is still in contact with her ex, and that's a big reason why she didn't want to go further with us, because she was still giving part of her heart to her ex, which was unfair to me....anyways, despite all the B.S. I still miss her and find this NC thing very difficult. I feel ya.
Spinderella Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 you left things good, you explained what you want from her, therefore the ball is in her court. dont contact her. i know how hard it is, but, it will get easier with time, it always does.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 That she's nasty doesn't change the fact that you still care for her. Two weeks of NC isn't much time even if it feels like an eternity. Give yourself more time and don't use NC as a way to get her back, consider it time for you to get on with your life. If she happens to come back into your life and you've evaluated and decided for it, that's your decision to make but get centered first.
Author thecount Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Holy crap, She actually called me. "just to see how I was doing". She asked me if I would go to dinner with her as she started crying. As we kept talking, and she was saying all the right things, I was just about to say yes I'll do to dinner with you. That nasty a$$ came back out. THen she started with the I don't know if I want a relationship and all that crap. So I told her, figure it out, I just said good-bye again and hung up. Then she called me 3 more times in a row and I didn't answer. I will not be treated this way. Doesn't matter how much I miss her or love her. I just won't put myself through this again. 1
Spinderella Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 you did good. i feel for you both. she wants the benefits without the commitment, and she's trying it on. i know how it feels to be in her position. its good you wont settle for less than you want, forone it proves that you are genuine about her. the guys in the past who i have admittedly strung along like this, never really took that stand. in my eyes (right or wrong) it meant that they werent really genuine about me anyway. keep being strong.
Author thecount Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 you did good. i feel for you both. she wants the benefits without the commitment, and she's trying it on. i know how it feels to be in her position. its good you wont settle for less than you want, forone it proves that you are genuine about her. the guys in the past who i have admittedly strung along like this, never really took that stand. in my eyes (right or wrong) it meant that they werent really genuine about me anyway. keep being strong. Spinderella, I'm not questioning your ethics here. I just want to know why would a woman, or anyone for that matter string someone along? I know in my case when a relationship went bad, and I just didn't feel it anymore, or continue to pound my head on the floor. That was it for me. I never called again. It's too painful for both parties. If you don't want the person, and you are already broken up. You got your wish, it's over, you got what you wanted. Why continue to call a person you really see no future with?
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 There was a comedian who defined the difference between men and women. When men say it's the end, that's it, it's over. When women say that's the end, well, not necessarily. Don't ask me why but it appears to happen a lot.
Spinderella Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Spinderella, I'm not questioning your ethics here. I just want to know why would a woman, or anyone for that matter string someone along? I know in my case when a relationship went bad, and I just didn't feel it anymore, or continue to pound my head on the floor. That was it for me. I never called again. It's too painful for both parties. If you don't want the person, and you are already broken up. You got your wish, it's over, you got what you wanted. Why continue to call a person you really see no future with? some people are clearer about their emotions than others. i've always been one to experience alot of confusion, both within a relationship and at the end of a relationship. my longest lasting relationships have been with people similar to me in their emotions, that is, never quite sure. although i dont think those relationships were healthy, and i always admired the strength of those who were clearer about their feelings. i dont like being the way i am, i wish that i could be clearer, it causes me alot of angst. i think i have always hurt as much as the people i have walked away from, but i cannot be clear enough about things to just go with it and make the commitment.
Author thecount Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Do you think back at the people you've walked away from and regret it? I know this woman that in her younger years was HOT! every man wanted her. Some of the guys she dated were really good guys. She just couldn't commit. She loved them all, but just couldn't commit to one guy at all. She just wanted to be left alone, so that she could do whatever she wanetd. Now many years later. She thinks back to the one guy that she let get away (her words) She crys over him still. I knew the guy. If she would have done the right thing back then he would have stayed with her. But she said leave me alone one time too many, and he did -- and he moved on to an amazing relationship (still going strong). She thought she was inlove with someone else. She just didn't feel it anymore. Well I guess the excitment goes away after the first year, and when that goes away people make the mistake and think it's over. Someone else comes in the picture and makes their life "exciting" again. But the grass isn't greener at all. Now she's 47, (where did time go) the looks are gone, she's alone like she asked to be, on prozac whenever I see her I say how are you?, she says things like. "I woke up again". at that point I wanna run away. I feel bad for her, but she did this to herself. Lack of commitment, and selfish. You wanted to be left alone... Karma has an ugly way to show it's face. It's sad, no one should go through that.
Spinderella Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 yes i do occasionally think back to some guys and think i should have stayed with them, but, you can only make the best decisions you can at the time. i think i just overanalyse my feelings to the point that i get confused about them. to me it sounds as though she is afraid to let anyone get too close to her. i dont know if you can call her selfish as such, since she hurts herself more than anybody else. neither can you help her if she does not really decide to do this herself. it is sad, but, you cannot help her, she needs to come to it on her own. you can only do the best for yourself at this point because she has told you that she doesnt want to be with you.
Author thecount Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 No no no, you got it all wrong, This one is not my ex. - she's a friend of my ex-wife that lives near me. What I meant about being selfish is that. She always thought that her looks were going to get her this rich husband and life will be great, and she used men to get whatever she wanted. We all have regrets, I think back at things I could have done differently, and I've learnd from my mistakes. So in my next relationship I will be a better man. This past relationship I think I was there for her too much, and my ex took it for granted. Thinking that she would just have me like this forever. I just think back at our last conversation and just her nasty a$$ remarks, and when I told her I have to go she said ok I love you. I said you love me? and you speak this way to me? I doubt she loves me. I think she just wants the companionship. She doesn't have anymore friends left, except for one that cheated on her husband the first month she was married to him. Her friend was trying to fix my ex up at her wedding while I was still with her. and right in front of me too. How disrespectful is that? My ex has a lot of demons maybe more then I know of. I was ok for a while, I just think back to how she treated me, and then I just feel upset with myself for loving, and giving so much of myself to her. where she just didn't want it.
D-Lish Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I hate to keep whipping a dead horse here Count... But at what point will you come to the conclusion that you truly deserve better? All that nastiness, all the manipulation, the lies... It just sounds like too much BS to me. Obviously, you can't help how you feel- but you can choose to walk away from someone who treats you poorly. I wish you would make that choice for yourself. D
Author thecount Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 D-lish I have made that choice. I have walked away. All I'm saynig is I miss her somtimes. I can't help how I feel. She does call me often, and I choose not to answer her. All I think about is the way she treated me. Like the time she went to that Halloween party without me and invited her ex, while I was home alone doing her school work for her. That was unforgivable. How can someone keep calling you that night and tell you how much they love you while they're out having such a good time without you? Whenever I think of that night I get enraged. I just feel embarressed with myself for taking her back so many times. "it will never happen again" she says. We'll it won't this time. I won't let it happen again. It was disrespectful, and humiliating. She had her friends and family there too. And I've went to family fuctions with her, and everyone knew but me. I felt and still feel like a f**king fool. It's starting to get easy again, she's not calling as much. I won't have the urge to call her soon enough. I've gone through this many times before. It is over, because I want it to be over. I don't want that pain anymore, and when you love someone. There shouldn't be any pain.
D-Lish Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I know it's impossible to help how you feel. I'm happy to hear you've made the choice to cut her loose- I have been following your story and know how much pain and anguish this relationship has caused you. It's so hard to walk away from someone you love. Just because you've realized that the relationship is toxic and have decided to walk away doesn't mean it's an easy thing to do. I've been in love with someone who treated me poorly before~ and it took me a while to muster up the personal courage to end it. I know this can't be easy on you.
Author thecount Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 D-lish, You and everyone else here have been Great!. I thank you all for the help. It has made it that much easier. She still calls me. i don't get it. She's the one that said she sees no future in us, why would she still call? She got her wish. All I can do is guess here, but this time around it was me to call the whole thing off. I'm the one that broke up with her this time. The fact that she calls makes it hard. Sometimes I want to pick it up to tell her off. Blast her to no end. If she were to stop calling me at this point i think I would forget her, Iv'e always been that way, The wrost thing you can ever do to someone is forget them. It's like they never meant anything to you. My ex-wife told me once that when i cut her off. it was like we were never married. After awhile I think I just go numb, all systems shut down. Now what? lol
jmargel Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You can still miss someone even though they treated you bad and it's over. That's a normal reaction. However you know that nothing will change unless she gets counseling for her immaturity. She's calling you because her ego has been broken by you being the dumper and that her safety net is now gone. There was a line someone posted in another thread which is so true.. Don't make someone a priority when they think of you as an option.
stace79 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I'm really impressed...I keep telling myself I'm going to go no contact. Last night I even deleted all this guy's numbers from my phone, all the old texts I had saved, I deleted all my incoming/outgoing calls so I couldn't look the number up there. And of course I'm already freaking out, wanting his number back. Unfortunately for my sanity, I have his cell memorized (it's an easy one to remember). Even when I get realllllly pissed off, it never lasts longer than an hour or so, and I'm freaking out thinking it is worse if I go no contact and he forgets about me. Anyway my point is you've done a really great thing for yourself, and all of us should be so bold.
Author thecount Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 jmargel, that line is soooooo true. That's what I felt like with her, Like i was an option. Well. F**k her. How does that sound? Stace, It's not easy, even though right now I'm in hate mode. This was a long time coming, and I saw no other way. I had to leave, and I have to stop thinking about her. My hopes for N/C are not to get her back. It's to forget about her. She's caused me way too much pain.
Island Girl Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 That she's nasty doesn't change the fact that you still care for her. Two weeks of NC isn't much time even if it feels like an eternity. Give yourself more time and don't use NC as a way to get her back, consider it time for you to get on with your life. If she happens to come back into your life and you've evaluated and decided for it, that's your decision to make but get centered first. I couldn't have put it better. OP please read and reread.
stace79 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 That's really great. I have officially started NC as of last night. My guy told me he needed me to give him "time and space," and that I can't talk to him about relationship issues and I need to be supportive when he needs me and otherwise not to call him or text him so much. I got so angry at him saying that, because ever since I have known him it has been all about his needs. And as much as I love him and want to be supportive of him, I also need someone who is going to reciprocate that, and I have realized he is not that guy. So anyway, last night I blocked him on AIM, deleted all his numbers and texts out of my phone and turned my cell off early so I wouldn't be tempted to answer if he called. He sent me a text last night that I didn't answer, and today I'm home from a minor surgical procedure and decided to leave my cell phone off again. So kudos to you, and hopefully to me too for keeping it up. You're so right...at some point you just have to learn that someone is not as good for you as you thought, regardless of if you love them. Stace, It's not easy, even though right now I'm in hate mode. This was a long time coming, and I saw no other way. I had to leave, and I have to stop thinking about her. My hopes for N/C are not to get her back. It's to forget about her. She's caused me way too much pain.
Author thecount Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 I'm not blocking anything, I did erase all the txt messages, and got rid of pictures and all that fine crap. People have all differet methods to move on. When you're ready you'll do it. FYI, She called again today, this time left a message. Wanted to say hi and to inform me how last night her friend cheated on her husband again. She thought I would get a kick out of it. And how she feel that her friend is so wrong for doing that. I wanted to call her back so bad just to tell her off. How dare she judge her friend for the samething she did to me? At times today I felt like calling her, but I feel that the N/C will piss her off more. F her
D-Lish Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Any response at all is giving in....and you risk getting drawn back in. Don't take the bait. The best revenge is to forget about someone. I know how that feels first hand. My ex walked away seemingly emotionless and totally blocked me out of his life for 5 months. It hurt like crazy. I'm still in pain over it. Just keep venting here if you feel the urge to return contact. You really are doing the right thing for yourself. Good for you. D
Author thecount Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 D-lish, Thanks for your support, It is greatly appreciated. RIght now I'm in hate mode, I loath the fact that I took her back so many times. TImes where I had every right to walked away. I don't know why I was so weak back then? I had every right to never speak to her. But I just guess I wasn't ready to give up on her yet. I just wish right now I was numb like I thought I was. Like that I wouldn't care what she had to say. No hate, no love, just nothing. No reaction. Her calling me today caused me anger ( she got her reation, But I didn't call). I guess she still gets to me. I wish it was easier.
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