What would you do?

[Amour77]

My long-term girlfriend and I have broken up four weeks ago now after almost 6 years together. We are still living together, but things are obviously tense.

 

One of the reasons she gave me is that I was not making her happy because I was not happy myself in my life. Fair point, I do recognize that... I am doing a job that I hate and I ended up feeling moody, moany, etc...., above all this past year. As the saying goes, to make someone happy, you need to be happy. I was not, I admit it, and I know why.

She feels that she needs to live her own life and make herself happy. She does not want to have me as a negative thing in her life.

 

At this point, I have to say that I have not always been like that, that it has been a recent thing. I have always been a cheerful guy always up for a laugh, but it is true that this job really got the best off me this last year. I hate it so much.....! I have been wanting out for at least two years, but the money side of things made me stay in the job.

Also, I have sought to improve myself and have been doing some training in a particular area and I have now hopefully got a job in that new area. Unfortunately, this job will involve me going away from her, from our city.

 

She said recently that, although she was the one who initiated the break up, she was finding it hard at the moment and she would find it even harder when I move out. She will be missing me, simply because I won't be there anymore. She keeps saying she does not hate me, that I am a nice and attractive guy, etc... but that she feels that I am just not making her happy, and that it has been the case for a year or so.

It is very hard for me to hear these words because it feels like she still has feelings but is trying to get over them because she has had enough or she is trying to convince herself she is doing the right thing. She often says "it is too late". I know we have had problems, but she was also the first one to recognise that we had excellent times together and that we brought a lot to each other.

 

I am definitely gonna move out of the house soon and we are going to go our own ways. She is gonna stay in our house. It kind of reassures me she is going to be there, but also, I am wondering how she is going to face the situation as the house is full of memories and things we did together.

 

I hope (maybe not the right thing to do or the right word to use) that, having a look deep inside ourselves, and spending time apart, will make us realise we really love each other. We broke up for a reason, for various reasons even, but I think that spending some time apart can help us solve these on a personal level and bring us back together. I am probably only dreaming, but hey... who knows?

 

She wants us to remain friends, very good friends... I don't know if this will actually happen.... we will see.

 

 

What do you think about this all? I am really interested in other opinions.

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

[D-Lish]

I, like you, have had a miserable past year... and that was reflected in my interaction with the man I loved. I was unhappy- and that made him unhappy. I eventually drove him away. I don't blame him for wanting to leave me considering the state I was in.

 

If nothing else, the break up forced me to get my s%&t together. I hated my job- still had residual trust issues from my divorce from a few years ago... and that made me difficult to be around at times. However. After realizing I was depressed, and how my current state was affecting him and others, I chose to get help and begin the arduous process of turning my life around. And it's working out for me.

 

So, if nothing else, using this time to pull yourself together, find some happiness in a new more fullfilling job is nothing but a good thing for you.

Unfortunately for me, I think that my ex is too fed up to give me a second chance. I don't read from your situation that you are in the same boat. I think there is hope for a reconcilation in your future if you play your cards right and get your life in order.

 

The fact that she wants to remain in contact is a good thing. That will give you the opportunity to actually show her how you are progressing. It will let her see the person once again that she fell in love with. That is what you have to do to win her back. Promise to make the alterations to yourself, then follow through.

 

It's one thing to make promises- quite another to show them the ways in which you have made progress.

 

A break sounds necessary in order for you to get your relationship back on track again someday. It's great that you are aware of what you need to do and are intent on following through.

 

Having insight is the first step in making necessary changes.

Good luck!

Dee

[Island Girl]

I would let her know you want to remain friends as well, but for a time period you'd like to be able to step away from her to get some perspective. Let her know you'll be in touch.

 

I would say exactly that. -- It will make her perk up and take notice for sure and she'll wonder (possibly out loud) what this means. Leave it at that. Be vague. She is NOT your girlfriend anymore - she doesn't get to "know all" anymore. Do not share feelings, etc.

 

Make this statement when you MOVE OUT. Until then be as amicable as possible. Keep your mouth shut if you want to share or even if she wants to. Just ask questions and act like you are just being understanding of her and how she is feeling.

 

If you speak, you are just going to come across as lost and possibly insecure.

 

Now -- to the 'Plan Of Action'. Get out of the house ASAP. Find a new job. Work on yourself and what makes you happy with yourself. Get back to the strong, confident, secure, good looking, happy guy she fell in love with. This is the time of NC! NC! NC!

 

You've got some work to do and doing it actively should keep you busy. This is FOR YOU not just the relationship.

 

In the meantime, just know she'll miss the hell out of you. She WILL start remembering happy times. Time has a way of letting the bad fade into the background (as long as you LET IT) and the good memories become stronger and stronger.

 

When you get your act together for the most part THEN you contact her. You will come off secure and pleasant. Be Mr. Cool. 'Cause you are at this point.

 

When she sees the old you, the one she fell for, it'll drive it home to her. Just make sure you start SLOW. Let her make all of the overtures while you are just Mr. Cool.

 

Trust me --- even if she started seeing someone else -- when she sees you she'll remeber you and all of the good stuff. It will be in her mind and it will cause her to seriously think about getting back with you.

 

If you really want her - playing it cool, positive, and only talking to her once in a while but having great short conversations (where you ask about her and what she is doing) or seeing her OCCASIONALLY will drive her to you.

 

Then you can get back to where you were before the awful job, etc.

 

If it seems like a lot of work - it is. If it seems like too much, well, then you should NC her, get your life together, and move on to meet someone else.

 

Then be friends after you get your crap together. Either way you must NC to get your head and your life together.

[Amour77]

Thank you very much for the input.

 

Any other thoughts? Any female advice or opinion would be welcome. I will keep you updated.

[Amour77]

We had another discussion yesterday.... She keept on saying that she would miss me, that she is going to feel on her own once I move out of the house (I will move out as soon as I can, I hope), that it is a shame we had to break up, etc....I told her that I had a new job (which is still a bit uncertain though) and she was very happy for me...I told her that I was happy with this piece of news and that I would be "myself" again, in a very cool way. She again said that she wanted us to be friends, good friends, and keep in touch. She would really love that....

When I said I was out that night, she asked me if I was seeing someone, to which I said "none of your business". She changed the topic of conversation and insisted again a couple of times ("are you seeing someone? You can tell me...."). I kept quiet.... She then said it would be good for me to see somebody else, etc.... When I came home, she was obviously not there and she had put all my clothes on the bed (which was a big mess)....

 

I have always thought our break up has been very sudden (although we had a few problems). One week she was telling me, at night, (when I was away from home) that she could not sleep because I was not here and that she missed me, and one or two weeks after, she was breaking up....

I really do not know what she is thinking at the moment. I do not think you can erase feelings that quickly, can't you?

Anyway, reconciliation is not on the cards at the moment, and I don't know if it will ever be.

 

I have gone over the "traumatic" phase of the break up now, but I still miss her. There's been no more drama acts to try to get her back, no more begging for quite some time now.

I just think about a lot of things at the moment.....

[D-Lish]

This period is going to be the toughest time for you. It's the coming to terms with the break up being real that is the toughest period.

 

The sooner you get out of the house you share, the better.

You may also choose not to remain friends at this point. believe me- it will be easier for you if you don't have contact.

[Amour77]

I just think about a lot of things at the moment.....

 

and wonder what she is thinking too.

[Island Girl]

It is only natural to think about things and even wonder what she si thinking. But you really seem lost and perhaps it has something to do with the relationship breaking up but also the state of your life in general right now.

 

Your job makes you unhappy so that isn't good. Try to focus on what you CAN do something about. And this is one of them.

 

This, of course, is for you -- but she also said part of the reason that she wants to be apart is how unhappy you are as well. So if there is any chance of reconciliation it isn't going to happen as long as that remains the same.

 

I think you lost a large part of yourself over the time that you have been so unhappy but you can get it back. Finding a new job may seem a tremendous task right now so there may be smaller things you can do, I don't know. I DO know that a new job you are excited about will give you a big boost to how you are feeling day to day.

 

How quickly can you change you environment? It compounds all of the suffering to go back to that house everyday. I hope you can get out of there soon. I think it will really help.

[Amour77]

Thank you again very much for your replies.

 

Yes, I am a bit lost in my thoughts at the moment...It's reflection time, the time when you can look at things from a different perspective;) ! I think I am not doing too bad given that when it did happen, I was very upset.

I don't mind being in the same house as her, but I am sure this has a negative effect as it keeps her in my mind more often. For the moment, I have no choice as I am waiting for a start date (normally in October) for my new job. I am really excited and I just hope it is going to be soon, but things have apparently been delayed a bit! I will then move 400 miles away from her, so we will be well apart then !

 

One thing I'm wondering is what she really feels for me. I guess there is no way we can really tell. Does she still have feelings, has she already moved on and am I only a memory (which would jeopardise any chance at reconciliation in the future)? She says she would miss me, etc.... but at the same time, she wants us apart.....

 

Once again, the first thing she asked me in the morning was where and who I went with when I went out the other day. Why? Is she jealous or something? Does she think I am seeing someone? Is it annoying her I am doing my own thing now without telling her? Well, I am perfectly entitled to! We are no longer together and I have nothing to tell her.... I supposed this is part of this NC stuff in a sense maybe.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for your input and for reading all this stuff, it is very much appreciated:) ! Keep posting!

[Amour77]

Oh well, I don't need to ask myself questions anymore. She has been with another guy for 2 months.

[Amour77]

I am so angry with her, I just can't believe she has been lying to me all this time. I know we are no longer together, and she can do whatever she wants, but what I am really angry about it is the fact that she had started to see that guy before we broke up and always denied (and still is) that she had someone else. Big lie and big betrayal. Secondly, she has played with my mind and tried to be nice, thoughtful, be jealous, say we would be friends, wanted to keep in touch, even hinted at a possible reconciliation in the future, etc... when obviously she was not thinking a word of it!

Thirdly, she was like that because she has an interest in the house we have and thought that by lying to me and keep me on the smooth side, she would be able to keep the house and pay me less money for it than what it's really worth.

 

Triple betrayal! I am so angry! I have talked to her and have been very nasty to her, which is not like me, but I just feel I have to empty my bag! I have not told her I know about what she is doing at the moment, and she still plays the innocent. She really thinks I am stupid or what!

 

What a mess, eh?

 

I am very angry ( I think I said that already) and I hate her with all my heart!

[D-Lish]

Armour...

Did I miss something? Is it on another post? How did you find out she had been seeing someone for two months?

I'll go re-read your posts.....

[Amour77]

I found out 'cause she had left her phone on and I could see lots of messages from a random guy. Quite explicit stuff....!

 

Take a look at this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97403/7

[D-Lish]

Brutal to have been lied to and deceived like that!

Internalize that anger and it will help you get over her.

 

That's an awful way to treat someone after being together for so long.

It must be painful. I'm sorry you're going through this!

 

Man, there's no excuse for cheating.

D

[Island Girl]

Cut and run.

 

Consider yourself lucky you found out before you married her and had some kids.

 

What a B*tch! Good riddance to bad rubbish - you know when there is some smell in the kitchen, because something is rotten -- and you find it and toss it -- it takes a bit but the house starts smelling great again.

 

Same thing big guy, you deserve better.

 

There is NO excuse for what she did and continues to do - still playing innocent even though she is caught red handed.

 

She is 3 D - if you get the reference - but in HER case the 3 Ds are:

 

Devious, Deseased, and Dirty.

[Rooster_DAR]

I found out 'cause she had left her phone on and I could see lots of messages from a random guy. Quite explicit stuff....!

 

Take a look at this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97403/7

 

Jes**, I just read your post and I can't believe it. Dude, this is exactly what has just happened with me. OMG this is so similar that it's scary.

 

My Fiance came back from out of town job with co-workers and did the exact same thing to me. She starting acting weird, claiming depression, and pulling away. I noticed she would not leave her cell-phone for 5 minutes and she was constantly text messaging even when I was taking her out on romantic weekends. She claimed it was a girlfriend of hers that was going through a rough time, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Well, it got worse so I could not stand it anymore. I picked her cellphone when a text message was coming in while she was away, and noticed it was a guy sending her a message that she was out of town with. I knew who it was, because she mentioned his name a couple of times while she was on work duty with him.

 

After doing some spying, I found out she was spending hours on end talking to this guy when I wasn't around, so I asked her to please be honest and let me know who she was taking to. She lied blantantly in my face, then I pulled out the phone record and showed it to her. She looked shocked and asked me how I got that. That was a terrible devastation to me, and things got worse from there. She started going out of town stating that she had to attend company training in other cites, and this was on the weekend. Again, I got suspicious because she has never had training on the weekends up until now. Then she did not call me the whole time she was gone, and when she came back I lost it. I also found out that where she went was the same city the guy lived in that had been texting her.

 

Anyway, I put 2 and 2 together and finally had to move out of our house because this was destroying me from the inside out. I also took the engagement ring I had given her years before with me. She kept calling me saying that she was going to have to get the law involved because it was stealing. After a while, she kept saying she missed me and loved me more than anything. I starting felling bad so I took the rings back to her, and she said if we reconcile she wants to get married. Things seemed to look promising, then all of a sudden she did a 180 again and I was confused. Then she said she just wants to be friends and she can give me what I want right now.

 

What a total dumb*** I was, now I can see what she really wanted.

 

Thanks for letting me share my story!

[D-Lish]

You deserve better Roo, Once a cheater always a cheater!

You're better off knowing sooner rather than later.

 

Take care,

D

[Amour77]

I found out 'cause she had left her phone on and I could see lots of messages from a random guy. Quite explicit stuff....!

 

Take a look at this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97403/7

I am just amazed how someone can do that.... Cowards maybe? One has to be very cruel to go down that road.

 

What I would really like to know is why she did all that?

 

Fair enough if she did not love me anymore and just wanted to break up... I can accept that, even though it is difficult. Same thing if she wanted to break up because she wanted time for herself, etc....

 

However, how can you say to someone you love them, you miss them, have passionate sex with them, have a wonderful time with them, etc... and within a few days (and I really mean within a few days), go out and meet a new guy and forget about it all and be ready to end everything? Were all of these good things mentioned previously fake? Was she just pretending to love me? Was she already playing double game in her head? Was she already over me by that time?

Then, why not telling me straight away she had met someone? Why did she wait at least two weeks (if not three) between the time she met that guy and telling me she really wanted to break up? I'm just very puzzled....or maybe I am a bit naive.

 

I did ask her when she told me she wanted to break up whether she had met someone else. I asked her that question several times. She always said no. I hinted several times that, given she was spending quite a lot of nights out, was all made up, etc... to go out, she was probably seeing someone. I had even made reference to the actual guy she is seeing ('cause she had mentioned him as you know). I had told her that she could let me know, 'cause at the end of the day, there was no point lying. She always kept on saying she was not seeing anybody....and was 100% firm on it. She just kept on saying that she wanted to end it, wanted to be by herself, etc....

 

Did she then break up with me because she felt more secure having that emotional back up in that guy? Having this guy made it easier for her to end things? In other words, would she have broken up if she had not met that guy?

Or did she break up because she then realised she had cheated on me big time, felt guilty and thought that I would never take her back, and so decided to make the move first? Quite right I would not take her back!!

Although she was saying that she wanted to break up, and gave me a few reasons (not very good ones, although I take her point), etc.... she also always said that she really thought I was a nice guy, that she would miss me, that she really wanted us to be friends and it would be great, etc... It was also my birthday just before we broke up and she offered me a present and so did her family. That night, she even wanted to go out to the cinema with me. Also, one of the presents was a magazine subscription and I know she had renewed it just days before.

Later, about a week or so ago, she started to give me all this carry on about finding it difficult, feeling depressed, being stressed, etc... and even cried a couple of times. One of the two occasions when she cried was when she had insulted me and then apologised, but I refused her apology. She then told me that she was being sincere and blamed me for not believing her, etc... Well, not with the kind of abuse she had given me!

 

How can she miss me if she sees someone else and does not love me anymore? Well into the break up, she also said, twice, this loving word very peculiar to her. First time, she realised she said it, and pretended it was meant as "a friend ONLY". The thing is, she never says this word to any friends, so I guess she really meant it as a love word. Second time, it just came out of her mouth.

 

I just feel this story is very weird. Well, maybe she is just a cold b**** and does not care at all! Maybe she is very good at being double sided!

 

Then, very recently, she also started to give me the "are you seeing someone?" BS just because I had been out one evening and I was texting people? Why would it bother her so much if I did? After all, she chose to end it and she is the one seeing a wonderful guy, so why?

 

We have been living under the same roof during all that time as you know. She kept coming back "home" on a regular basis. I know it is also her home, but why did she come back almost every day? Why did she not move out? She had plenty of places to go to (members of her family, friends), that would not have been a problem, surely. Packing up a couple of bags full of clothes and stuff like hairdryer, etc...., and going away from that man (me) she did not love anymore was surely not a hard thing to do. Still, she kept coming back everyday, sometimes spending her full evenings there, or sometimes just to get new clothes or just eat something.

 

I am also wondering what kind of relationship she is having with that guy at the moment? Is he much better than me? Is she serious about him? Does she really like him? I know she had said to a friend (in an email I had read) that he was 4 years younger and that he was quite ugly, but she fancied him.... They share a common interest.

 

 

As you can read, I am now back again to reflection time. I am still angry at the whole betrayal thing, but it is slowly fading away, although it is a good thing feeling to have as I find it helps me.

I would appreciate if you could give me your opinion about the whole thing and maybe answer, with your own experience or views, some of the questions (or all if you feel like it ) I have.

 

Thank you very much for your support. I found this forum is excellent and has been a great help!

 

[D-Lish]

Hi Armour,

 

The bottom line is that her current relationship is probably just a rebound. It's just a reaction, a means of running interference so she doesn't have to deal with the emotions surrounding your break up. The problem with that is that you can't deny the emotions forever... so they will come out- and she will have to deal with it at some point.

 

I was with someone for 7 years, we got married and then seperated shortly after. Right after breaking up- I dated someone else. I did it because I was lonley (he too was nothing special to look at), and I did it because I craved attention from another human being. I didn't love him, I didn't want to spend my life with the other man, but I wanted to fill a void and not deal with the pain of the break up. It provided some initial respite from my pain- but it didn't heal it.

 

Right now, it sounds like your GF is really confused. Seeing each other every day can't be good for either of you.

 

Is she over you? No, certainly not. But that doesn't mean she wants to reconcile at this point either. You have to get out of there- you have to get your own space and move into NC as soon as possible. You can't start the process of healing until this happens.

 

Act like you're dating- don't come home for a night or two- be aloof. But begin making arrangements to leave- or ask her to leave if she has someplace to go.

 

She can't miss you until you aren't there anymore.

 

6 years is a long time to be with someone. She isn't over it.

You have to act like you are though- if you want her back you have to pretend you are moving on and disappear.

 

Sorry you are going though this.

Dee

[Rooster_DAR]

Armour? Are you sure were not with the same person I was with? That is exactly what I just went through, and it's uncanny how familiar all of these things are.

 

Anyway, I agree with D-Lish, she sounds self absorbed and perhaps quite confused as well. I have been with N/C for 2 months now, and things have gotten much better for me. I still don't understand how someone you thought you were so close to can turn on you like that, it's plain ****ing nuts.

 

My ex was also playing the game of "I love you" on day then the next day "Were not a couple anymore". If you stay in this situation, you are going to go downhill fast. People who have a affairs (and that's what's she's doing) lose all sense of rationale, and get extremely confused as well. Your rollercoaster ride is going to get much worse if you dont' do something now, bail out!

 

Regards,

[Amour77]

Thank you Dee and Rooster.

 

I am aware that living under the same roof is not the ideal situation. However, I feel I can't move because I am still waiting for the green light to start my new job (this month) and I can't get a new place just for two weeks. If i was not waiting for that new job, I would have moved a long time ago. This would have saved me a lot of pain, in particular seeing all these messages. On top of that, I have nowhere else to go really, as my family live some distance away. The friends I have are friends we have in common, and I don't want to involve them. So I am stuck here for the time being!

She is away on holiday next week to visit a friend abroad, that will give me a bit of time to myself without seeing her.

 

I never told her openly that I had found out about the text messages on her phone. However, I let her know that I exactly knew what she was up to, by telling her things like "Have a good time tonight", etc... She asked me twice, on different occasions, if I had seen her phone, to which I replied that I had not. She then said that I would not like to see what is on the phone. Of course I would not, but I did!

Still, she did not admit openly what she had been and is up to! How cruel!

 

After all the verbal abuse I gave her when I found out about it all, she has become even more distant. I think she has realised that I found out about the truth. Now that I am ignoring her (as I don't really want to speak to her), it seems like she has decided to get some distance. It might be immature of me to not reply to what she is telling me, but I can't help it! I do not want to speak to her!

 

She spent most of the weekend away, and has now started to take clothes and stuff out of the house. She left on Saturday with a sports bag full of clothes and yesterday, she took another big plastic bag of clothes.

I don't know if she has moved to this guy's, or if maybe she moved to her mum's or a friend's. I guess it is hard to know, and I don't really want to find out anymore. The thing is, even when she was taking a bag overnight before, she used to bring it back home and do the washing, etc.... She does not seem to do that anymore... Maybe she has decided to move out for now. Where? I don't know.

 

I saw her leave her mum's place on Sunday morning, it was funny 'cause we just saw each other by chance, as if something told us to turn around, as we were going in opposite directions. She waved at me, but I just ignored her.

 

I still love her very much and would give anything to have her back. At the same time, I just can't forgive what she has done and this makes me very angry.

I guess now, that if she moves out of the house for now, we will be apart, will establish NC and will have the space we both need, and that I really need to heal and move on.

 

Thanks for your support, and like always, let me know what you think.

[Rooster_DAR]

She will eventually realize what she's done at some point. Unfortunately for her, and fortunate for you it will probably be too late. Take time out for yourself, and you are making the right move dude. I understand it really sucks, but life is not fair in many aspects. I still miss my G/F too, but when I sum up the good things VS the bad things, I realize that I could never go back to the hell I went through.

 

Do you really want to live a life where you're worried about what she's doing, or if your going to fall apart all over again?

 

Not worth it in the end.

 

Good luck

[Amour77]

I saw her briefly today... She came "home" to pick her mail. She seemed to feel like speaking, or establishing some kind of contact. First, she asked me where I had been the night before (I was out quite late). Why? I don't get it! My life's got nothing to do with her anymore! Why does she ask and why does she notice such things?

When she came today, I had the door locked with keys left on the door! She could not get in and I had to open the door for her. When she came in, I told her that I was not expecting her.

To finish it all, she said again stuff like "I don't hate you" "You've been a big part of my life" "I hope we will be able to speak about it one day".... At that point, I said:" I don't want to talk about it now, if you don't mind". She then just left the house without saying a word. What a whimsical b****!

 

What is she playing at?

[Rooster_DAR]

It's utter confused woman nonsense. She it poking at you to see if you will cave in most likely. It could also be that she really didn't know how to break up without hurting you, and she truly really sees you as a "Friend" part of her life.

 

Don't fall for that either, the friend thing will just eat you up in the end if indeed that's the case. Stay strong, act like you have your **it together and keep busy. Believe me, she will notice and will probably regret the whole thing if you stick with taking care of yourself.

 

Cya!

[D-Lish]

Honestly? I think she is playing a crappy game. She is moving on- but she doesn't want you to do the same. She has no right to ask where you have been or who you are seeing.

 

Make her believe you are seeing someone. It's cruel- but it will drive her nuts.

 

She hasn't let go yet. That is why she wants to know what you are up to, why she tracks your moves. Act happy and indifferent to her. Don't show her anger because that is tantamount to passion, give her nothing.

 

She won't understand what she had until you are gone. Maybe you guys can work things out down the road- maybe not. But it won't be right now. There is too much hurt and pain involved to consider reconciliation.

 

D