What would you say to a girl that has a huge crush on MM?

[BlueEyedGirl]

MM and me work closely together. He is 10 years older than me and has a wife and 3 kids (yes I know 3!). He is extremly nice, most un-sleazy guy I have ever met. People that work in our company think of him as the nicest guy ever. But there is also an undeniable attraction between us. He looks at me and I feel butterflies. Something I haven't felt in years. Nothing was said or done (yet!) apart from looks, accidental touches, sexual inuendo jokes and sweet gestures from his side. Although I am sure that he wants me, I'm not 100% on whetever he would actually ever do anything about it. He just doesn't seem the type to play around.

 

The bottom line is: I can't stop thinking about him. And while I'm aware that it's a disaster waiting to happen, I can't help myself.

[Kamille]

BlueEyedgirl,

 

I have been thinking about your question and have decided to try and give it an answer.

 

My first instinct would be to say : don't take things further! Feelings change and life changes! You have to beleive, on the one hand, that the romantic feelings you feel for him can evolve into something platonic and that someone else can walk along any day and sweep you off your feet. Or have faith that if you two are meant to be together, it will happen in a respectful, timely, appropriate manner.

 

But then, I just ended an affair with a MM and your question prompted me to think about the whole thing, because a part of me beleives that it was unavoidable. I am now struggling with remorse over the whole thing and with trying to maintain respect for him. Even then, I learned a lot about myself from this affair and MM and I did share some beautiful moments together.

 

I want to say that, like you, I hadn't felt butterflies in a long time before MM but the day MM and I finally decided to end things, I met someone (single) who makes me feel even better then MM ever could (I know I know I can't believe what a fluke that is...). Perhaps the butterflies you feel for this man mean that in fact, you are ready to have a romantic relationship in your life. Basically, what I'm suggesting is that the feelings you have are not about him, but are about you feeling good about yourself and where you are in life (and he just happens to bounce these feelings back to you.)

 

I'll stop here because I don't know if this will make sense. But best of luck. And lots of strenght!

[BenThereDunThat]

BlueEyedgirl,

 

I have been thinking about your question and have decided to try and give it an answer.

 

My first instinct would be to say : don't take things further! Feelings change and life changes! You have to beleive, on the one hand, that the romantic feelings you feel for him can evolve into something platonic and that someone else can walk along any day and sweep you off your feet. Or have faith that if you two are meant to be together, it will happen in a respectful, timely, appropriate manner.

 

But then, I just ended an affair with a MM and your question prompted me to think about the whole thing, because a part of me beleives that it was unavoidable. I am now struggling with remorse over the whole thing and with trying to maintain respect for him. Even then, I learned a lot about myself from this affair and MM and I did share some beautiful moments together.

 

I want to say that, like you, I hadn't felt butterflies in a long time before MM but the day MM and I finally decided to end things, I met someone (single) who makes me feel even better then MM ever could (I know I know I can't believe what a fluke that is...). Perhaps the butterflies you feel for this man mean that in fact, you are ready to have a romantic relationship in your life. Basically, what I'm suggesting is that the feelings you have are not about him, but are about you feeling good about yourself and where you are in life (and he just happens to bounce these feelings back to you.)

 

I'll stop here because I don't know if this will make sense. But best of luck. And lots of strenght!

 

I second Kamille's response 100%. Also, as you probably already have, read through the threads of the OMs. The beginning of A's always start out fun, butterflies, attraction, etc. (that's their nature) But they almost all end in misery, confusion, guilt, anger, and so on. Or even worse if the W finds out or word leaks out at the office.

 

And remember that this place is here if it does progress to another level. You will probably need all the support you can get! I know I sure did....

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

What would you say to a girl that has a huge crush on MM?

I would tell that girl, the MM isn't hers for taking. That he's married and has 3 children. That he is offlimits and not to waste her time on someone who is married with kids. NO matter HOW nice, cute or friendly he is, HE is NOT AVAILABLE. And to respect that, move on and find someone else who is single and available.

[reneet]

R U N T H E O T H E R W A Y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Owl]

If YOU are married...tell your H about your feelings for OM, and work with him to determine a way to save your own marriage.

 

If you're not married...tell your boss that you can't spend time with him for personal reasons.

 

You don't want the heartache that you'll go through getting involved with someone who's already married.

[Joelle]

BlueEyedGirl,

 

Maybe you can channel the feelings you have for him into ADMIRATION? Instead of ignoring your feelings, this could be a more constructive way to deal with it? Admire him for his qualities, and look for those same qualities in a single available man. Just my 2 cents.

 

I agree with Kamille - if you two were meant to be together, you will end up together in a proper, appropriate way so I wouldn't worry about it.

[norajane]

I don't understand why people even ask this question. HE IS MARRIED. That AUTOMATICALLY makes him off-limits, no if's, and's, or but's about it. Think about how you'd feel if, when you eventually marry and have your own 3 kids, your hubby were making eyes at the cute young girl who just started at the office...and don't be that girl, don't start down that road.

 

Find someone single to make eyes at and get butterflies about. They're all over the place. Why fixate on the married guy who will never leave his wife and 3 children? Don't turn this into an obssession - go out and meet people you could enjoy and fall in love with without having to sneak around all the time.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I guess not many men make me feel this way. I'm very rarely attracted to someone. Maybe happened 3-4 times in my whole life (I'm 25). I do go out and meet single men and just feel nothing for them. So it's not that easy.

I do realize though that this is an impossible situation. I know that. I keep asking myself same questions over and over again: Would he? Would I?

 

I have read threads on here and after doing so I convince myself, ok that's it, no more flirting. But then he would do something and it would make me feel all over again.

[whichwayisup]

I guess not many men make me feel this way. I'm very rarely attracted to someone. Maybe happened 3-4 times in my whole life (I'm 25). I do go out and meet single men and just feel nothing for them. So it's not that easy.

 

You have more control over yourself than you know. This man is NOT available to you, so stop thinking of him in that way. He's married! Off the market, k. The sooner you make yourself understand that, then it will be easier for you comprehend and get over him. don't let yourself fantasize about him anymore, it serves you NO purpose to think of him that way.

 

I know that. I keep asking myself same questions over and over again: Would he? Would I?

 

It doesn't matter! It's a mute point because it isn't going to happen, so why even bother thinking of the "what if's" seeing as he is married and NOT into you the way you want him to be. That door is best left closed.

 

 

I have read threads on here and after doing so I convince myself, ok that's it, no more flirting. But then he would do something and it would make me feel all over again.

 

You're letting him control you. You're also letting emotions get in the way too. STOP. If you don't, you'll end up posting here one day, crying your eyes out because the MM won't leave his wife......He's a waste of your time and energy. SO WHAT if he makes you feel good. It's not LOVE!! DO you really believe he is going to give up his wife, his children, his whole life for someone who he is having fun flirting with and maybe finding sexy??? Take a step back and think about it........I don't mean this in a rude way and don't take it as a putdown, but don't ever think you have "it" to woo him away from his family just because you are attracted to him and he may be attracted to you....That's all LUST, not love. Don't confuse the two.

 

You WILL connect with someone else - Maybe it will take time, but it will happen...It's just so wrong of you to "help yourself" to another woman's husband because you have trouble connecting emotionally/sexually with most men. He is not yours for taking.

[norajane]

I guess not many men make me feel this way. I'm very rarely attracted to someone. Maybe happened 3-4 times in my whole life (I'm 25). I do go out and meet single men and just feel nothing for them. So it's not that easy.

 

Well then you need to look deep inside yourself and figure out why you're attracted to unavailable men and why you're not attracted to available men. Do you think you don't deserve a man of your own and only deserve to share one that's already married, having sex, and having a life with someone else? Do you have low self-esteem and don't think you deserve better? Are you afraid that a guy will leave you once he gets to know you better? Are you afraid of intimacy and it's appealing to you that unavailable men will never ask you for any deep intimacy because they already have that with their wives? Are you afraid to fall in love with an available man for fear of getting hurt? Are you turned on by the challenge of trying to take him away from his wife (which you can't, but you don't know that yet)?

 

These are not idle questions. There's a reason women fall for unavailable men and it's not that there's anything wrong with the single men out there. It's something within you.

 

I do realize though that this is an impossible situation. I know that. I keep asking myself same questions over and over again: Would he? Would I?

 

If you're asking the question, you would. Women who wouldn't, don't give it a second's thought. Married? Off the list...next!

 

Would he? If he's a liar and a cheater with no integrity and no respect for his wife and children, and willing to sneak around and risk his job, yes, he would.

 

I have read threads on here and after doing so I convince myself, ok that's it, no more flirting. But then he would do something and it would make me feel all over again.

 

Then you need to read some more threads and maybe consider how you'd explain losing years of your life to an affair to your mother, to a man who loves you but decides to dump you because he learns you used to be a cheater, and to a daughter you might one day have. "He just flirted with me and I had no choice but to let him into my pants..."

 

You do have a choice, so get a grip and let this go while you still can.

[janusp]

Just go with flow whatever happens is meant to be to teach a lesson.

 

6 years ago I started working i was married for 4 years and had 2 kids. on the first day me and this guy layed eyes on each other and were instantly attracted to each other, we never really spoke just sat near each other. At the point he was just married for 2 months. The attraction was incredible, we just enjoyed intense eye contact and being around each other though we never conversed.

 

I got pregnant with my third child, and he had two. I started having marital problems for some reason he made me become a stronger person, and gave me the strength to leave my husband (he was emotianally and sometimes physically abusive) The married man eventually left the job last year. Nothing happened between us physically, but he was my strength and I am strong and independant woman and I stopped running away and facing my problems because of him. My point is it never is black or white. He was in my life for a purpose, go with your gut with some common sense because your head may be to logical and your heart vulnerable.

We sometimes try to look for answers everywhere else when the answer is within ourselves.

[Joelle]

My point is it never is black or white.

 

I completely agree.

 

BlueEyedGirl, I also like to say that I feel for your situation. It's agony to be strongly attracted to someone who is not available to you. Pure agony.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Whichwayisup and Norajane, you both sound like smart and wise ladies. Logically, there is not one thing that I don't agree with you on, but emotionally it's another story.

 

I keep grasping at the straws and looking for any evidence that he is in an unhappy marriage. Recently he bought a book for me and forgot to remove the little invoice slip inside the book (which was payed by wife's credit card). So I found out the wife's name and googled her. I actually got excited when I found out that she is couple of years older than him - making her 12 years older than me (I know how pathetic am I).

 

I realize that I'm infatuated with him. It can't be love as I don't know him well enough for that. I really hope I end up doing the right thing.

[whichwayisup]

Just go with flow whatever happens is meant to be to teach a lesson.

 

You want this girl to learn her lesson on the expense of his wife and 3 children?

 

The best thing that could happen is, BEFORE it starts up would be if his wife 'notices' the flirtation and crush going on, by dropping by the office (And I'm pretty sure that the MM is just enjoying the flirting and letting it build up his ego, it probably doesn't mean alot to him) and says something to this girl directly.

 

I honestly don't believe this MM will "let" anything progress outside of the office.

 

Another point is, the fact you two work together, remember people talk, and gossip, so be prepared to be the topic of dicussion around the watercooler. Your reputation WILL BE RUINED if you don't cool your jets. Unfortunately it's still a man's world out there and if your MM is in a position of power, he can easily turn this ALL on you, make it seem you chased him!

 

Another spin on this, maybe you'll see another view here...Picture this.

 

Your Dad. Your parents are married and together (can I assume?). You drop in one day to see him at work, and you see a younger woman flirting, catching his eye. He tells you it's nothing, no big deal, she's just got a crush....But, you keep seeing something, you see HOW she looks at your dad, and how he reacts to her, like he enjoys it - Makes him feel like a "man" because a younger woman is paying attention to him. You pissed off yet at your dad? At this girl? Are you feeling angry for your mom? That HER husband, YOUR father, is being a jerk in the office, leading a girl on, having some meaningless fun?? How do you think your mom would feel? OK......... Hopefully you're getting my point now.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Janussp,

 

Interesting way to look at it. I have met this man at the hardest point in my life. I was out of work for 3 years, depressed as hell about everything. Then went for an interview, he was one of the interviewers but I didn't get the job. He stayed in touch with me and managed to get me another position in the same company. He really went above and beyond, there were lots of paperwork problems and most people would have said the hell with it we will just get someone else, but no, he stood by me and I was really touched by his kindness.

 

Then once I started working there, the longing looks started, little things he kept doing for me etc.

 

I'm now doing well proffesionaly which makes me happier in general (thanks to him). So whatever the future holds this is something I will always be gratefull to him for.

[whichwayisup]

I realize that I'm infatuated with him. It can't be love as I don't know him well enough for that. I really hope I end up doing the right thing.

 

You're getting close to obsessive!! And I'm not kidding. You are focussing on him, his wife, and what goes on between them waaaaaaaayy too much.

 

A crush is innocent. A crush makes you smile and blush...A crush makes your day more fun for afew minutes...A crush is NOT meant to HURT someone else. A crush is NOT meant to make you try to steal a husband away from his wife. That is not healthy!!! Open your eyes abit, take a step back and see the full picture here, k.

 

I really hope I end up doing the right thing.

 

You hope? You say you're 25 years old. You're not a child, nor a teen. You're a smart young woman who HAS A CHOICE here. NOONE is holding a gun to your head telling you to GO for the MM.

 

Logically you know it's wrong, morally you know it's wrong. And please, don't give me the bullcrap line so many use, "the hearts wants what it wants..." You're old enough to control yourself and your heart. You have NO real relationship with this man. It's a crush out of control, it's a crush that you've allowed to develope 'feelings' for him...Which is making you feel emotionally attached...THAT is wrong and unhealthy.

 

Please really read our advice, noone wants to see you get all f'ed up over him and get hurt. I know you really don't want to be the OW, and hurt his family. His wife and 3 INNOCENT children. Seriously imagine how you would feel if your father was cheating on your mom.

[norajane]

I'm now doing well proffesionaly which makes me happier in general (thanks to him). So whatever the future holds this is something I will always be gratefull to him for.

 

Keep going the way you're going and you'll end up back on the street without a job and with a broken heart...is that the future you're looking forward to with this guy?

 

Have you never heard that you shouldn't see married men and you shouldn't date at the office, and you especially shouldn't date people that you work for?

[BlueEyedGirl]

You're getting close to obsessive!! And I'm not kidding. You are focussing on him, his wife, and what goes on between them waaaaaaaayy too much.

 

A crush is innocent. A crush makes you smile and blush...A crush makes your day more fun for afew minutes...A crush is NOT meant to HURT someone else. A crush is NOT meant to make you try to steal a husband away from his wife. That is not healthy!!! Open your eyes abit, take a step back and see the full picture here, k.

 

Look, I was just curious. The slip of paper with his wife's name just fell out of the book and curiousity got better of me. This can still be innocent IF NOTHING HAPPENS. I don't think of him day and night. I just keep having those thoughts of him at the back of my mind and am trying my best to ignore them. I don't have any active plans of stealing him from his wife. I don't even go out of my way to spend time with him, there was a department dinner and he asked me few times if I'm going, but I didn't go because I had other plans. At this stage, I'm just wondering and even if he tries to make some kind of move I'm not sure if I would go for it.

 

As for him flirting as an ego boost, you could be right but who knows. From what I read from the whole situation, yes for some reason he is genuinly attracted to me, I really have strong gut feeling about that and I'm not very self confident person. But I completly agree that he wouldn't make any moves outside the office - not because he is not very attracted to me but because he is a decent guy with morals who wouldn't play around.

[Noos]

I would say move on. He's unavailable and you are hurting someone else if you start a relationship.

 

Women who allow men to cheat by making themselve available as willing partners let everyone down - themselves, the other woman and any children he may have and other women in the adting pool because it allows men to think they can get away with treating girls like crap.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I have been talking about this to a good friend and she gave me some excellent advice. She said that as long as I don't sleep with him but keep situation as it is (some flirting) I can use things to my advantage, as in he will continiue to favor me, help me out etc. She also said that as soon as I sleep with him he will most likely look for ways to get rid of me and I might lose my job. Actually this makes a lot of sense - and nobody gets hurt.

[consternation]

I am now completely disgusted by this thread. Thank you.

 

Do people really think this way?

 

Blueeyed, please tell me you are fake.

 

Am feeling revolted.

[erika2610]

I am now completely disgusted by this thread. Thank you.

 

Do people really think this way?

 

Blueeyed, please tell me you are fake.

 

Am feeling revolted.

 

 

Then leave the thread. Nobody is making you contimue to read here..

 

BlueEyedGirl - You sound just like me 5 years ago. I worked with my MM. I tried to avoid him at first, but as time went on, I fell harder and harder. Even flirting is dangerous. It will lead somewhere. Trust me. It doesn't matter if he's in a happy or an unhappy marriage. He will no doubt tell you it's unhappy even if it's not. There's more to lose when it comes to dating a MM than there is to gain. When I started dating my MM, my mother found out. Words can not even begin to describe how awful she was to me - my whole family was actually. I lost contact with alot of friends over it. And looking back now, it was totally not worth it. I had much higher expectations when it came to the relationship. You will not be his number one. When you need him, there will be no guarantee that he will be there. You won't be able to just pick up the phone and talk to him when you feel like it. I know I'm rambling, and you will probably do what you want to do anyway - most of us that got involved didn't listen when we were warned. I just wanted to warn you that it will not be a bed of roses by any means. And when you do split up, it will be beyond awkward at work. Go out and find a single man. A single man who'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. Don't settle for anything less.

 

Can you switch to another department?

[BlueEyedGirl]

I am now completely disgusted by this thread. Thank you.

 

Do people really think this way?

 

Blueeyed, please tell me you are fake.

 

Am feeling revolted.

 

What part of the thread is making you feel disgusted?

 

Erika, no I can't move to another department, just not an option at present.

[consternation]

""I can use things to my advantage, as in he will continiue to favor me, help me out etc"

 

= prostitution

 

I'm going to be honest here. When I read that, I thought, what a sl*t.