Is it possible to have imagined sexual abuse?

[Forever In Turmoil]

I have thoughts going on in my head, moreso when i feel down or unhappy, that's the time when they "pop up", so to speak.

 

I have thoughts that an uncle of mine did something "very inappropriate" to me when i was aged 6 or 7 years. I can picture exactly what he did, exactly where it happened, exactly how it happened, exactly what he said, exactly how i felt at the time.

 

These thoughts have been with me for a very long time, some 32 or 33 years. I am 39 years old right now.

 

This particular uncle has always, for as long as i can remember, made me feel uncomfortable, like i feel uneasy in his presence, but cannot pinpoint exactly why. I last saw this uncle a few weeks ago and upon parting company, he hugged me - nothing unusual there, he is my uncle after all - but he held onto me in such a way, and for longer than i felt comfortable with, i felt it was an "inappropriate" hug.

 

I cannot "get my head around" these "thoughts". The situation as i recall (or dreamt?) seems very surreal to me now. I cannot recall WHY i was there and the whole conversation and occurrances at the (supposed) time seem very surreal too, almost like it didn't happen but that i dreamt it many years ago. Like strange images flicking from one bizarre frame to another. Yet these thoughts have always been with me, for as long as i can remember. The same story over and over.

 

Is it possible to have imagined or dreamt that something inappropriate happened on that day some 32 years ago?

[Outcast]

It is possible but I think it would be unlikely that you would retain feelings of discomfort for such a long time because of something you imagined.

 

It's very common for people to bury memories of abuse and for them to emerge later in life. You could go to a therapist to get help to figure out whether it was real or not but be careful because some therapists were 'helping' people to have memories of things that never did happen. So if the therapist starts suggesting things that might have happened, get another one who helps you remember without feeding you details or creating a story for you.

[Moai]

I agree with Outkast. It is possible but doubtful, especially given the detail you remember.

 

I would talk to a psychiatrist--and actual MD--and explain what is going on and see what he thinks. Also, talk to other family members and see if this uncle creeps them out, too.

[superconductor]

False memories are nothing new, but the only way to be sure one way or another is to get external corroboration.

 

Do a Google search on "false memory syndrome" or "creating false memories" to learn more.

[blind_otter]

False memories are nothing new, but the only way to be sure one way or another is to get external corroboration.

 

Do a Google search on "false memory syndrome" or "creating false memories" to learn more.

 

No, don't do this. See a licensed therapist or mental health professional. Self diagnosis is not only dumb, it can lead to a whole host of other complications that you don't really need to deal with.

[superconductor]

See a licensed therapist or mental health professional. Self diagnosis is not only dumb, it can lead to a whole host of other complications that you don't really need to deal with.

I agree that seeing a licensed professional is the way to go. All I was suggesting was to go into it with eyes open and armed with information.

[Guest]

It is possible, but I don't think that's your case. I've had dreams that gave me false memories. Usually something completely harmless though. For example, I once dreamt a small amusement park I went to as a child had closed down, and for years thought it actually had! I found out different one day when I mentioned it and folks looked at me like I was crazy. Only after careful thought and trying to remember did I realize it was a dream I had. I've dreamt that I heard certain aquaintances from my past had died and that buildings from my past were condemned or destroyed only to find later those memories were all false. In all instances though, I was able to determine very quickly after having these memories proved false that it was simply a vivid dream I'd had within the hour. Even years later.

 

I would talk to a psychiatrist if this concerns you. They have intimate knowledge of all the tricks a mind can play on you.

[Brittanyjean06]

No you didn't imagine this. Time seemed to give it that affect. But there are things I'll always remember and sometimes it feels like it was so long ago that how can I remember this?

[penkitten]

its more likely you supressed this and you have blocked it out.

[NearlyThere]

Reading this thread gave me almost a sense of Deja Vu.

 

I was abused by someone who worked for my parents when I was 7, they worked in the hospitality trade. Members of staff used to volunteer too babysit for them.

 

Strange saying this on-line, i've never mentioned it too anyone before. I am now just turned 41. I often wonder if I imagined it all, then I sit here and think about what happened and what he did to me and made me do to him and I know it must have happened.

 

And here is something I find really hard to admit too and I wonder if anyone else feels the same, or if its just me and I am warped in some way. I never realised that what I was doing to him was wrong, I thought it was some kind of game and I enjoyed the game. It was only when he said the words to me, you must never tell your mum and dad what we have done I realised I had done something wrong. How could I have enjoyed being abused, but I also know I did not know it was abuse so really it was not my fault, but still I enjoyed the game, did that encourage it? No wonder I try and keep it out of my head!!!!

 

God, its taken me 34 years or so to say those words.

 

Sorry if I have hijacked the thread. Sometimes it prays on my mind, other times I pretend it never happened and some other child was in that room.

 

So back to orginal thread, yes I wonder too, but like someone mentioned, I can remember, the room, the occassion, the environment, and even though it is a fairly new word in this era, how he groomed me.

 

Sorry if this rambles and repeats, like I said first time ever mentioned it, feels like a damn burst.

[Guest]

And here is something I find really hard to admit too and I wonder if anyone else feels the same, or if its just me and I am warped in some way. I never realised that what I was doing to him was wrong, I thought it was some kind of game and I enjoyed the game. It was only when he said the words to me, you must never tell your mum and dad what we have done I realised I had done something wrong. How could I have enjoyed being abused, but I also know I did not know it was abuse so really it was not my fault, but still I enjoyed the game, did that encourage it? No wonder I try and keep it out of my head!!!!

 

 

Please don't feel bad or blame yourself that you got some enjoyment from this.

I think this is the last taboo of abuse and it's very brave of you to admit it.

Remember that you were a child and were not in control of the situation. This is what leads to the terrible guilt and shame that goes hand in hand with abuse. I tried mentioning this to someone once, they reacted like I was some kind of monster. I remember feeling that there was something special about me and that I'd been chosen in some way, even typing that turns my stomach now. It's so good to know that someone else feels the same.

[NearlyThere]

Please don't feel bad or blame yourself that you got some enjoyment from this.

I think this is the last taboo of abuse and it's very brave of you to admit it.

Remember that you were a child and were not in control of the situation. This is what leads to the terrible guilt and shame that goes hand in hand with abuse. I tried mentioning this to someone once, they reacted like I was some kind of monster. I remember feeling that there was something special about me and that I'd been chosen in some way, even typing that turns my stomach now. It's so good to know that someone else feels the same.

 

That's It!!!

 

He made me feel like someone special, someone who was nice to me, he used to especially volunteer to look after me, obviously I realise why now.

It all seemed so innocent to me at the time.

 

He was so sneaky the way he did it, one thing at a time, one step at a time. I dread to think how much further it might have gone if he had not left the hotel to work somewhere else, not that there was that much further for it to go. I sit here and berate myself for being a chicken s**t and not taking the courage to report him now. What if he's still doing it. Maybe I was a one off, he was quite young himself. Am I making excuses for him. wtf is that !!!!

 

My stomach turns when I think about it too, saying how i felt about it, the thought of saying those words out loud to anyone, even a therapist, if I was to ever go to one, I would be so ashamed, like I feel now. I do know its not my fault, it was his, but the feeling never goes away. Why is that????

[blind_otter]

I do know its not my fault, it was his, but the feeling never goes away. Why is that????

 

That's the million dollar question, NearlyThere. If you answered it you would put to rest many decades of research on post traumatic stress disorder. And I would love to hear the answer, but 8 years of therapy have given me none.

 

IMO part of the struggle is accepting that you just got dealt a crap hand at that point in your life. Because there are answers as to why trauma infests our brains, why it seems to remain entrenched in recent memory while happier memories seem to fade away. Sure there is, I've read bunches of it. But knowing the scientific "why" still hasn't helped me come to terms with this burden.

[NearlyThere]

At least talking a bit about it on here with other people who have experienced similar sort of things makes you realise that the emotions you have are to be expected. I never thought I would realise anyone else could have felt special and thought it was all some kind of game to enjoy.

 

I know you read things in the paper but that is different. I read on here in another post that its not the sort of thing you can bring up in conversation, even with close friends, as no-one would know what to say, anyway that is back to full circle, I would be too ashamed. BTW, I think I have become a LS addict, only found this site while looking for help in dealing in my relationship with a MM.