LaraV Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I have a question for you, guys: Are guys more influenced by the "present situation" than women? For instance, I hear a lot of people say that men tend to marry the woman they happen to be with when the finally feel like settling down. Or, alternatively, men may be dating a really good person for them, but if they're just not ready to "settle down" they'll just let her go. Do you think there is any truth to that? That men are more guided by their current situation than by the person they're with at any give time?
KittenMoon Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Is this assuming all females are chomping at the bit to get down the aisle?
Author LaraV Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Is this assuming all females are chomping at the bit to get down the aisle? Not necessarily - the "settling down" scenario is given more as an example of what I'm getting at. I basically want to know what drives men to act in any given way during the relationship - is it the person they're with, or the outside factors that may be impacting their lives? I think most women are driven by the person they're with. And I kindda think that men are the same way, but I meet so many people - mostly women - that tell me that men are driven more by their outside "circumstances." I'm not sure that I believe them, hence my question.
KittenMoon Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 D*mmit- once again I find out I am not "most women". But in truth, I'm rather curious on this point as well.
Winfield Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Not necessarily - the "settling down" scenario is given more as an example of what I'm getting at. I basically want to know what drives men to act in any given way during the relationship - is it the person they're with, or the outside factors that may be impacting their lives? I think most women are driven by the person they're with. And I kindda think that men are the same way, but I meet so many people - mostly women - that tell me that men are driven more by their outside "circumstances." I'm not sure that I believe them, hence my question. Well, if you settle down for all the wrong reasons, the relationship's not going to get very far, is it? When I'm going to settle down with someone, I'm going to have to like her, and she's going to have to like me...and the only way to test that would be to develop a relationship over time (through good times and bad). Simple!
KittenMoon Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Y'know- this topic might make more sense if the males responding indicate their past LTRs and why they didn't want those particular relationships to turn into marriage.
Author LaraV Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Y'know- this topic might make more sense if the males responding indicate their past LTRs and why they didn't want those particular relationships to turn into marriage. Oh, yeah, that works best - so men, why didn't your past relationships turn into marriage - was in your "circumstances" or was it something about the girl?
superconductor Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I did the marriage thing (now happily divorced), and can only speak from my personal experience here. I wasn't keen on the idea. I figured, rightly or wrongly, that as a single guy I had too much to lose in getting married. I knew beyond any doubt that: Sex would become listless and rare;Our financial situation would become more stressful, not less; She would very likely "let herself go" because she didn't have to try to "win me" anymore; Pressures from in-laws would cause some grief; I would miss the freedoms that singlehood offered. However, after much discussion with my SO of the time, and TONS of pressure from family and friends, we finally got married. We were divorced 9 years later. On every single count, I was right on the money.
Author LaraV Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 Superconductor - out of curiosity, what were those "freedoms" that singlehood offered?
superconductor Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Superconductor - out of curiosity, what were those "freedoms" that singlehood offered? Oh, wow, I don't even know where to start. How about: Come and go as you please; Eat what you want, when you want it; Nobody else using the bathroom; If the kitchen's a mess, it's your own damn fault; Complete control of the remote; No one else responsible for paying the bills, so they actually get paid on time; Closet space; Only 1 bar of soap and 1 bottle of shampoo in the shower; No mind-games or arguments about something I may have said in passing over a year ago; If I have to work late, I don't have to check-in; No one snooping through my stuff; I don't have to watch insipid romantic comedies; No dealing with impossibly irritable women 1 week out of ever 4; I can bring home a woman, have wonderful and luscious sex with her without any betrayal and the associated guilt; No pantyhose or cotton undies damply hanging from the shower curtain rod;I can - and do - invite my friends over from time to time, bbq a steak, have a few beers and generally enjoy myself without having to wonder if I'm going to pay for it later because she'll think I didn't pay enough attention to her... Shall I go on?
Walking away Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 LMAO! Surely, you know that there are those of us women out there who are not as difficult as your ex was! I, for one, don't dangle my panties over he shower curtain rod! Good post.
Mollyanna Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Shall I go on? PLEASE DO. Hilarious. I need another good laugh
KittenMoon Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Oh gosh- well super, you probably right and wrong! You could have held out for a girl who wouldn't care about bbqs, sharing soap, watching those awful romantic comedies, etc. And trust me, some of us would be making potatoe salad and cookies for your bbq, and not whining about attention. Geez- where do you guys find these scary girls?!!!
RecordProducer Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I have a question for you, guys: Are guys more influenced by the "present situation" than women? For instance, I hear a lot of people say that men tend to marry the woman they happen to be with when the finally feel like settling down. Or, alternatively, men may be dating a really good person for them, but if they're just not ready to "settle down" they'll just let her go. Do you think there is any truth to that? That men are more guided by their current situation than by the person they're with at any give time? No. I think there are a few categories of men and you might be dating any one of them: 1. He will marry the woman who will be a good wife and mother or just a woman he's been dating for a long time. 2. He will marry the woman he is dating in his time-to-settle-down phase of life, because he has a primitive, simple mind that believes that with a little bit of respect and faith, you can have a good marriage with any woman. 3. He will marry the woman he is in love with. This category is most prevalent, in my observation. 4. He will be picky his whole life and never marry anyone or will finally settle for less. 5. He will look for the ideal woman his whole life and have many serious relationships (or marriages) until he finds the right one... or he will end up alone.
Author LaraV Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 No. I think there are a few categories of men and you might be dating any one of them: 1. He will marry the woman who will be a good wife and mother or just a woman he's been dating for a long time. 2. He will marry the woman he is dating in his time-to-settle-down phase of life, because he has a primitive, simple mind that believes that with a little bit of respect and faith, you can have a good marriage with any woman. 3. He will marry the woman he is in love with. This category is most prevalent, in my observation. 4. He will be picky his whole life and never marry anyone or will finally settle for less. 5. He will look for the ideal woman his whole life and have many serious relationships (or marriages) until he finds the right one... or he will end up alone. Thank you, RP, this answer is very illuminating!
Tenorman Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I'm putting my money on number two as having the only long successful and happy marriage. The rest are recipes for pain.
RecordProducer Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I'm putting my money on number two as having the only long successful and happy marriage. The rest are recipes for pain. Hm... I don't think we are eligible to make any statistics regarding marriages, until the new generation of couples grows old. Trends have changed greatly and what used to be considered as tolerance and understanding necessary for a successful marriage boils down to how willing you are to put up with someone's crap nowadays. In the old times it was normal for a woman to sacrifice her career and tolerate infidelity and emotional abuse. Try to persuade a modern American woman that she should put up with this and she will poke your eyes out. Relationships require a lot of work and today less and less people are encouraged to work on their marriages and endure crisis. We are spoiled in every aspect of life and naturally expect from a lifetime partnership to satisfy us in many areas. If not, we're easily prepared to slam the door behind us and move on. And this is not a bad thing, if you ask me. I believe in freedom as the main guide to happiness. Unfortunately, we face the side effects such as single parenthood, loneliness, fear of rejection, divorce, and financial problems.
Tenorman Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Hm... I don't think we are eligible to make any statistics regarding marriages, until the new generation of couples grows old. I'm not making statistics, I'm making a bet!
RecordProducer Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I'm not making statistics, I'm making a bet!Hahah! OK.
Author LaraV Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 So I guess so far the concensus is that it's all about the girl and not the "other" circumstances. Well, I guess this just means that it really was about me after all - and not the whole "I've got so much stuff going on right now, I don't have time for a girlfriend, I don't want you to be a low priority, blah, blah, blah..." But I guess I already knew that. Break ups are personal. He broke up with me. Not with the rest of the world. Bleh.
superconductor Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 So I guess so far the concensus is that it's all about the girl and not the "other" circumstances. Well, I guess this just means that it really was about me after all - and not the whole "I've got so much stuff going on right now, I don't have time for a girlfriend, I don't want you to be a low priority, blah, blah, blah..." But I guess I already knew that. Break ups are personal. He broke up with me. Not with the rest of the world. Bleh. Lara; First of all, I'm sorry that he broke up with you. I know, from intimate personal experience, how much it hurts. There are things, however, in a man's life that often must take precedence over a relationship from time to time. From career to family obligations to community work to finances to any number of other things, there are times when a relationship cannot be the #1 priority. Now, whether it's true in this case or not isn't something I can or will speculate on. But it's very possible that he's telling the truth.
Author LaraV Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 Ah, superconductor, if we could only pick and choose what we want to believe. I *wish* I had believed him when a year ago, when we were just friends, he said he didn't want a relationship. I wish I had believed him then. But well, I guess I was too vain and proud to believe it. But it's hard for me to believe this one - that all these other things are the real reason he left me. But heck, that in a way makes me feel worse. As in, aaaaalll these other things were not necessarily more important than me, but so *big* and *cumbersome* that they couldn't make room for me, ESPECIALLY because - and I truly mean this - I am SO low maintenance. I think we only had one "real" date when we were together this past year. Every other time, he called the shots. If he had time to see me, he'd let me know. He could call me whenever he wanted to, etc. I knew how much his career mattered to him, and I knew going into the relationship that I didn't want to be in the way of that, so I *knew* I would not be his top priority for a long, long time. But anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. He called it quits and I guess I have to respect that. I'm just left with a very common-sensical sensation that whether you're a man or a woman, if you have something really good, you don't easily let it go. He let me go, so I guess HE didn't think this was that good. So now I just need to come to terms with that.
Tenorman Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 2. He will marry the woman he is dating in his time-to-settle-down phase of life, because he has a primitive, simple mind that believes that with a little bit of respect and faith, you can have a good marriage with any woman. Like I said before, my money is on this category being a success. I would only clarify RP's excellent post to the extent that although it may say "any woman" what it means is that for this category of man the woman he is with will be the "only woman" for him. Lara V your man did not fit within this category. So I guess so far the concensus is that it's all about the girl and not the "other" circumstances. Well, I guess this just means that it really was about me after all - and not the whole "I've got so much stuff going on right now, I don't have time for a girlfriend, I don't want you to be a low priority, blah, blah, blah..." I don't know how you reach this conclusion. If it was about you, it was only that you were ready for the real thing and he was not. You are the good egg in the equation.
Diver012 Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 My circumstances regarding my choices... While I was living in Ohio, I was repeatedly told by my employer that I was going to be relocated to Minneapolis, MN. I never felt comfortable getting to serious with a woman because I didnt want to leave her after I moved. After having enough of broken promises by my employer, I decided I wasnt waiting around, and got serious with a girl I liked a lot. 4 months later I was relocated to Minneaspolis. She did not come, nor did she ever speak to me again. If I had the chance to make that decision again, I would have stayed in Ohio, and became unemployed. I spent 3 years sulking in Minneapolis afterwards. I didnt date during that time at all. There were also some extenuating circumstances as well, but basically I didnt get the chance to meet that many new people. It was like 3 years of isolation. I quit my job and came down to North Carolina to visit with my folks. I was planning on going back to Ohio and ended up taking a job here instead. 6 months into the job I met my Ex at work and we started dating. I fell deeply in love and thought this is it. Im ready to settle down. Next thing I knew I was being dumped. Now I work with My Ex, who I have little to no contact with what so ever. Its strictly business at this point. Speaking from experience, if you are involved with someone that is using "Circumstances" as an execuse not to settle down, as I have done in the past, then the issue is most clearly with them not you. Their priorities are screwed up, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I cant change my past, but I can learn from it.
Tony T Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I have a question for you, guys: Are guys more influenced by the "present situation" than women? For instance, I hear a lot of people say that men tend to marry the woman they happen to be with when the finally feel like settling down. Or, alternatively, men may be dating a really good person for them, but if they're just not ready to "settle down" they'll just let her go. Do you think there is any truth to that? That men are more guided by their current situation than by the person they're with at any give time? Nah! I think when I'm ready to settle down I'll marry either the third or fourth girl I ever dated...that is, if I can find one of them...and if they remember me...hahaha!
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