Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I am going to try and keep this pretty short I think. I am just after a little bit of advice. I have been with my partner for nearly 13 years. We have been living together for about 4 in a place that we own jointly. I am almost 30 and he is 31 and so I have seen many of our friends meet people, fall in love and eventually get engaged and be married. During all of this time, friends have constantly been asking when is it our turn to tie the knot. My partner usually shrugs his shoulders and ignores the comments or laughs them off. It is just getting a bit harder to handle because I keep thinking that if he loved me so much he would have wanted to get married. That, however is not the biggest issue I am facing. Over the 13 years that we have been together, he has on occasion lost his temper really badly and called me a lot of names. I just feel like he has so much anger inside of him and that I tip toe on eggshells. Recently he flew off the handle at the most silly thing and blamed me totally. He called me some terrible names and I just wonder how anyone could say those things to people that they love. I have never ever thought that he was emotionally abusing me until recently. That last outburst has made me wonder whether I really want to spend the rest of my life with him or not. I really think that I have made up my mind that I really want out of this relationship. Looking back on things, I feel that we almost lead two seperate lives. He does what he wants to do and does not think if I would like to do it too. I feel like he thinks that his time is more important than mine. I feel like I live on my own although I cook, clean and do washing for two people. After the last fight that we had, I did not really talk to him for about a week. He broke the ice by asking "Whats up with you?". I just broke down and told him how I was unhappy. I feel like he has been in damage control since, however, I feel that it is too late. How do I drop the bombshell to him that I want out when he almost forgets that there is anything wrong? Some advice would be great. Thanks heaps
unforgiven1977 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 13 years is a long time. In 13 years have you told him what is wrong? I mean actually what is wrong? Have you told him that you are unhappy and explained to him what you think he could to or not do to make things different? If so then maybe you need to explain to him that unless you and him can reach an agreement then things are over. From the sounds of it I doubt he realizes the seriousness of the situation. You need to make that VERY clear before you move on from that. You need ti make him realize that you are serious, unwavering and uncomprising. It's basically your way or the highway. I'm not saying it has to actually be that way but you have to make it seem that way before he gives ground. Then you use that to make him reach what is your acceptable medium. Don't go to him, make him come to you. If he won't budge at all then you need to seriously reconsider wether this is the type of existence you wish to live.
babygirl24 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I'm going to give you the same great advice I was given because I'm sorta in the same situation as you. GET OUT!! My husband is trying to act like nothing ever happened too. But I know I need to get out now before it's too late. He's mentally abusing you now but it could turn into something worse. You sound like a great person and you deserve better then this.
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 i think you should make it very clear to him what is wrong with you!! the fact that deep down you are not sure he really loves you as he never proposed - so make it clear, get it out in the open. futher you should make clear that his behaviour to you makes you think he does not care or love you and that he takes you for granted - all the things you do for him and he flies off the handle at something small - there must be a deeper reason he behaves this way and you WANT to know what it is. do not say you are breaking up but mention that given the current state of things, you both need some space, especially you.. let him give you some space.. after you guys think about things a bit, he may possibly and very likely turn around in order not to lose you and start behaving better and show you love. he may even propose!! i think because you have been together for so long you should not throw it away just in a whip of moment. you may need some space because sometimes people have enough of each other and it takes some arguments to realise how much they care. sometimes people need some space too. when he realises he may lose you he may change the way he treats you completely .. that can lead to something good. but right now get it out in the open what really bothers you, do not be afraid. you will feel better for it. good luck!!
Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Thank you for your thoughts . The problem is that I have been feeling this way for nearly 2 years now. I told him how I felt the last time he went off at me. His response was that I was making something out of nothing. Whenever he goes off at me I mention calmly that I do not like the way he speaks to me. That just makes him roll his eyes. The last time he got angry and started the name calling, I asked him why he hated me so much. He replied that "If you weren't so f#^king stupid" and then he walked out the door. I know that 13 years is a lot to throw away. I suppose that it is a little bit my fault as I have never really stood up for myself before now. Now I am enjoying doing things that I want to do and putting myself first for a change. Maybe we do need a break. I am not sure. I just would have no idea how to tell him that as I would be afraid of the reaction that I would get. Hrmmmm Thanks for all of your help guys. I will get through this I am sure
Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I think it is the case he has taken you for granted for a long time and you need to put him on the straight and narrow! Noone will respect you unless you respect / love yourself first.. So go on and take care of yourself first.. Do not put yourself in jeopardy if you think he may be aggresive.. sometimes writing a letter can help .. or going away without him then leaving him a letter to think about matters.. He needs to understand what you need and what would make you happy.. Otherwise if he is unwilling to give you these things there may be someone else willing to give you happiness Good luck and do not make any rush decisions but well thought through steps !! It seems you have a lot more patience and reasoning than your partner who does appear tempered.. Do not be anyone's victim.. be a winner.. !! all the best
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