BimmerNY Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 :( NOTE: This is from another forum, but I thought I would also post here so I can get even more advice. I really need all the help I can get!!! Also I updated the thread from the other site daily and I will add the updates here to get everyone up to date THANKYOU!!! OH MY GOD WHERE DO I START?!? NOTE: PLEASE I REALLY NEED ANY AND ALL HELP AND ADVICE. YOU DON'T NEED TO REAL ALL AT ONCE, YOU CAN COME BACK, I HAVE CLIFFS TO Okay here goes, so basically my first and only girlfriend of 4 years just broke up with me last night now I'm dying I'm all depressed and have chest pains. We fought a lot but only stayed away the longest for about a week then came running back. It all started around Tuesday, we were on my front steps hanging out and talking when she tells me she wants to get her GED and go to college. I was excited because I could never get her to go. Then I started questioning her and she finally lets it out that she has met a "friend", thats when I started to get angry and act all immature to her like the loser I am. So she gets a phone call from this guy and I get really angry and tell her to hang up the phone or else I will go inside. So she says "fine go, I don't care"! Two hours later I return to steps and she is still on the damn phone!!! So I just pop out the door and started staring at her and she gets annoyed and tell the person that she has to go. After that I freak out because she was on the phone that long with a guy, I am wondering what the hell? I was her WORLD she did EVERYTHING FOR ME. This girl never looked at another guy in the 4 years we been together I basically tell her to get her stuff and get out of my life. I give her my Ipod she got me for Valentine's day and some of her DVDs that she left here and told her I'll get everything else later. She says no, no its nothing they are just friends that I am over reacting and that she is not leaving to go home. I made plans with my brother and cousin to go play basketball at the park to get away from her and try to make sense of this and she over heard and got her stuff and walked home. But when I got home I found my Ipod on my bed, she is so nice for leaving it. She is a funny girl as she is scared of face to face conversations and phone calls about our relationship because she feels I "attack" her and blame it all on her, not physically don't worry I never laid my hands on her in the 4 years we been together. She means I get very immature and say very stupid things which I can't control. This is true so later that night I sign my instant messanger in hopes she would talk over IM and she does. I was happy and basically she wanted to make up and apologize but I was being stupid and playing hard to get and told her it was done forever and called her very nasty names. Then after a while of talking we sorta kinda got on good terms and she wanted to come over, she lives 5 minutes from me and wanted to call a cab and come see me, but I said no its very late (It was 3am). So the next day (Wednesday) she calls me over to hang out with her that she is home alone and she will buy me lunch because she know that I have no food in the house. It works and I go, when I get there her and her little brother were on the steps waiting for me and we talked for a bit but friendly as we didn't want to scare her little brother with loud arguments. So we went and got food where she tells me she wants to go on a break and should date other people, which I declined to accept. We returned to her steps and finally convinced her brother to go upstairs and watch cartoons. We talked and this guy kept texting her and that wasn't helping at all. Then she told me that since we broke up that she made a date with this guy for Friday and told EVERYONE about him which she did. Her mom, cousins, friend, everyone. I offered to take her back but she was like its not fair she really likes this guy. I am like how can you like a guy you only speak to on a phone. So then she tells me how they met: She works in a men's clothing store and she is very, very pretty and gets hit on a lot. So this guy basically came in to see her after seeing her before (I called him a stalker, she says he see's something, he goes for it, WOW, thats all I have to say) She picks out jeans for him they talk and he leaves her number and she tells him she is SINGLE!!!! (WOW we are supposed to be madly in love, how is she single?!?!) So they text and call and whatever and boom she likes him and wants to go back to school with for him. We are both Indian and this guy is her dream guy, he is half Italian and Russian. Before we got together she always said she liked Italian guys cuz her favorite teacher was Italian.) So later the same day (Wednesday) we decide to take a walk to the icecream store and talk somemore. On the way there she tells me she is done I made the decision on MSN lastnight blah, blah, blah. And she wants to give him a chance. When we get to to store I'm thinking maybe she just wants to date him cause he is a white guy and wants to see what its like to date her dream guy and outside our race. We sat and ate the icecream there I made a mistake of talking her into taking me back which she some how accepts. (I later come to find she only lied to not hurt me). She lied and told me she might get shy and not even want to go on the date with him, which she was just lying. We went back to her house watched a movie and had I guess make up sex and I slept over. Next day we are all happy and I walk her to work and tell her to think of me and that we'll hang out at her house later. So later my brother comes home with a new car, a jeep actually, and wants my family to go out to "break in" the car so we go out to eat and I call to tell her I cannot make it. I think this is where I piss her off and lose her forever! I got home after 1am and called her and she didn't want to talk that she was very tired and sleeping. I was sad and went to brush my teeth before I hit the bed but I was crying while brushing, and I am a person that never cries, its like Superman seeing his own blood. Then I call her again and she says leave her alone. I cried all night while listening to sad songs on my Ipod in my bed. FRIDAY THE DAY I LOSE MY LOVE AND MY WORLD (August 4th) So today is her big date and I call her all day while she is running around getting new clothes and and doing her hair, and she tells me she is so nevous and never been on a date(while all this is killing me inside). But I think she is only nevous because she knows that tonight she has to make a decision, either stay with me or go on more dates with him and persue a possible relationship. I told her I am being a very good boyfriend to her and let her go on a date with another guy. She said whatever. I was telling her she is gonna need more dates to feel him out she was like no just one, just one. I tell her that I lover her and don't ever want to hurt her. So I have to go on a 1 hour ride with my family to go see my brother's baby who I haven't seen in months. The whole time I saw the baby and stayed at my brother ex's house, all I can think about was her and that she gets home safe. I get back home at 1 am and run to the phone at call her and she IS STILL ON THE DATE!!! WOW The date started at 7:30pm and its 1am and its still going on, WOW. She promised she was gonna come over after the date to be with me and I asked her is she is still coming she says I don't think so, I get angry and hang up on her. So about an hour later I go to her house to just unespectedly pop in. Her room light is on so I get scared thinking she already brought him home on the first date. Her brother gets home a minute later so we decide to go downstairs to walk and talk. She tells me she doesnt appreciate me stalking her and calling her while on her date. She tells me she REALLY REALLY LIKES him and that we are done. I was like what about the other day at the icecream store, we made up and had sex. She said she just lied to me. Then thats when she broke the news that we are done forever. This guy is way better for her blah, blah, blah. I told her I want to stay over and and watch a dvd with her but it was like 2:30am and we only watched like 30 minutes and decided to sleep. I begged to sleep with her so we can cuddle and it worked she accepted cuz she loves to cuddle, hehe. But I wanted to have sex with her so I can make her try to get back with me but it wasn't working so I just told her I loved her forever and left. I didn't cry on my walk home or before I slept. But I cried this morning on Saturday, Today. I called her today but she didn't pick up, I thought she was angry with me, but she was showering before work and even returned my call but I was in the bathroom. I IMed her while she was on the bus to work, and while I was writing this long story, and basically I'll pick her up and hang out with her as just friends. I really want to let her go but I can't, This guy is way better for her, he has everything going for him and and I have nothing going for me seriously I really let go of myself in the last 5 years, gained a lot of weight, dropped out of college, never worked and I'm 23, what can I offer her, how can I compete with this guy. My biggest problem with him is that he is 9 years older than her I don't want her to move away from me, we are only 15 minutes a walk away or 5 minutes by car. Or worst, he might want to marry her or get kids, cuz he is gonna be 30 soon lol. I don't mean to be mean for the 30 and up crowd on here but I think he is too old for her but it doesn't matter what I think, all that matters is that they love eachoter. I can't just help but think he just wants her to be another girl under his belt that he wooed away. Maybe Karma will get them back and he will say he doesn't have girlfriend and get another girlfriend. Like my girlfriend did to me. I am in no way cursing their happiness I am just very, very sad, angry, and bitter right now. [COLOR=blue]E-MAIL BEFORE HER DATE: Sent : Friday, August 4, 2006 3:43 PM [/COLOR] [COLOR=blue][/COLOR] [COLOR=blue]Hey baby,I'm soooooo sorry,that I'm doing this to u!!!!!!! I'm don't know what I want,and I'm very confused,sorry!!!! I never wanted to hurt u!!!!!!!!!!!! [/COLOR] E-MAIL AFTER HER DATE: Sent : Saturday, August 5, 2006 1:14 AM [COLOR=blue]Hey I wanna go on more dates with this guy,and I wanna give him a chance,I don't wanna be with u anymore,I'm really,really sorry,and I don't really apreciate u emailing me on my date and ****,so please don't mess this up for me,I really like him [/COLOR] ABOUT MY EX AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME Pros: -He is a Pharmacist and has a masters degree. -Treats her very, very nice and is on the same wavelength with her. Has a car and is finacially stable which she tells me she feels safe and secure with him just incase she ever loses her job and needs finacial support. -I don't have a job, a car or a cell phone and I dropped out of college and I'm 23 and basically I'm just a loser right now can u really blame her? -She feels so connected with him she can marry him even today. CONS ABOUT HIM FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME BUT THESE ARE MY CONS NOT HERS!!! -(this first one REALLY bothers me!!! ) She is gonna be 20 at the end of the month and he is 28, goin on 29 in December so thats like a 9 year gap ewwww. -He dates around a lot and is currently dating a 31 year old woman and told her they aren't exclusive( what the hell my Girlfriend is ok with this crap?!?! I really don't know her that well as I think I do, or is she really that much in love with this guy.) -He has had many sexual partners, she has only been with me ( what the hell my Girlfriend is ok with this crap?!?! I really don't know her that well as I think I do, or is she really that much in love with this guy.) I don't ever want to be out of her life. I rather be her friend than not be in her life at all. We were eachother's first and we will always remember our first. So I ask you guys who were brave enough to make it this far: How do I get over her and let her be happy with this guy. I don't really have any friends that can take me out to get my mind off her or hook me up with someone while she already has someone. I dont work so how can I keep occupied while she is having the time of her life with this new guy. Thankfully my aunt just hooked me up with a job and I should probably get my first job at 23, what a loser I am. She was my whole world I didn't need friends. I just feel that she handled it wrong by letting this guy know she was single when she has a boyfriend of 4 years at home. I feel that I didn't even get a chance she just left me like that, no questions ask, and just outta the blue. How do I recover from that. 4 years down the train no questions asked. What can I do? How can I meet new people? HELP!!!!!!! CLIFFS: 1. Girlfriend of 4 years meets her "dream" guy at work and doen't mention she is in a relationship. 2. I do some interrogation and find out and dump her on the spot. 3. She begs for forgiveness, I want to play mind games just be a prick for one day and make up the next to teach her a lesson, but she moves on and makes a date. Now I'm screwed. 4. She takes me back, but lies, she promises she only needs one date and will come back to me. She lies and she likes him and wants to persue a possible relationship with her new guy and dumps me forever. We were eachothers first and just flat outs leave me after 4 years. 5. This guy is perfect for her and has everything going for him, I am a jobless, collegeless, friendless loser. 6. I really don't like the 9 year age difference because I am afraid of her moving away from me or marrying him and being away from me forever. 7. I basically have no friends or social life, she was my whole world, How do I recover and move on, like her? This feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up, I would have never expected this in a million years. 8. Help, what can I do to move on? I really messed up and overreacted I shoulda never broke up with her. I can't just let go of 4 years. It feels like I invested all this time for nothing, I'm 23 and not getting any younger and it feels that it was all for nothing, she did me dirty. UPDATES: 1) Thankyou guys for all the positive remarks I really need that right now Three weeks ago she went on vacation without discussing it with me thoroughy, basically her mom bought her tickets to go to her cousins wedding in South America, Guyana were we are both from for 10 days. After that what could I do? So I posted here to try to find someone cause I couldn't take the fact that she left me. But when she came back we had a talk and I treated her the BEST I have ever treated in our whole 4 year relationship. We talked about moving in together and our future. I was in pain for those 10 days without her and let her know never to leave me like that again and how much I missed her and how much she means to me. But a week later it started to get back to the daily little disagreements and headaches, to this big thing now. 2) LordByron and Laurel Q THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!!! I really love and appreciate the advice. These words of wisdom are really helping me threw these tough times right now. Well I had some cousins over and my brothers and I had a little BBQ im my backyard, all I could do was think of her and barely ate 2 hotdogs. If this was the good ol days and I knew she was coming over right after work I would be making jokes with everyone and and eathing a lot more than that. I was still joking a bit but was lifeless. No one really knows what has happened to me yet but SF! Thank goodness for this wonderful forum. And I am greatful for everyone's replies. I told her around 1145 that I would pick her up after work to come over and talk at 915pm. And I walk about 40 minutes from house to her job when I do this and back. Also my brother's friend came over and invited us all to a party and said there were gonna be girls there. I know I need time to heal but meeting a new girl would also be great. So I think Im gonna pick my EX up and walk her home then go to this party and try to meet some new people. Thanks for the strenght SF!!! 3) Hey everyone its 4am (Sunday Morning) and I just got back from hanging out with my EX I had an okay time it was fun to hang out. Yes she did approve me meeting her after work, Big. So I meet her and I guess she is happy to see when and she gives me this huge bunch of roses for me to carry for her to because it is too heavy for her to lift. I get upset and say why should I, I know who gave these to you. She insists that its her friend's from work who bought it cuz her friend is going on vacation and my ex's birthday is August 26th. So the friend gave it to her as an early present, don't worry her friend is a female. So after walking 20+ plus blocks to get her home with this heavy thing she tells me it was from him....WOW. But I was okay with it and the whole walk home we didn't argue once and just talked and laughed. I told her I can't stay over that I was invited to a party that I posted about here above. But when I got home I asked my brother and he said his friend wasn't returning the calls so I was angry cuz I really wanted to stay and hang out with my ex. So then I called her up and told her its cancelled and she says come over we can go hang out and catch a movie. So I run over and she doesn't want to go to the movies anymore, she wants to go to her cousin's birthday party thats 2 hours away by train. I agree and we go and we had fun just us too when she mentions that she is angry cuz her guy went out with his friends to dinner and turned his phone off which I didnt really care to hear. So when we get to the party I pour a huge drink of vodka and orange juice to calm me down and ate some food while she talked to her cousin. I teased and asked her if she mentioned me but all she wanted was advice why this guy took his phone off and won't return her text. Everyone leaves cuz its like 2am and its just us two and her cousin and her boyfriend. I wasn't really talking but the guy finaly returned her text and said he was at the movies with his friends. Then they call eachother and I had to sit there and hear them talk and flirt and what ever, which was TEARING me apart inside. I didnt want to be rude and just storm up and walk somewhere else and make it obvious(it was a backyard party and the backyard is huge). So they call us a cab and we get home in about half hour. When we get to her house I told her to hurry and run upstairs so I can leave. She quickly asks me to stay, but I declined when I really really wanted too. We woulda slept in separate rooms since she had the house to herself( her in her moms room, me in hers). I tell her to e-mail me sometime and she says yes. So I walk home and here I am, posting on SF. 4) (Sunday Night) Just got back from playing basketball with my cousins, brother and some friends. Had a lot of fun but I sprained my ankle and I was very upset because I felt like this wasn't my month and its my ex's birthday month. I go play basketball everyother day with me and my brother and cousin and nothing happens but when a bunch of us comes to play now I get hurt, sucks. Plus I was basically drunk and so was everyone else. We had another BBQ today with just the boys and we all had too much too drink lol, yes my ex was there. (not the park, the backyard BBQ) She got out of work early today and asked me to meet her up. I walked to her job and waited about 10 minutes for her to get out. She popped out of her store and showed me signs and I thought she was showing me to leave that this guy is gonna pick her up. I was pissed because it takes me 40 minutes to walk to her job from my house. So I decided to stick around so I can see how he looks like. But thank god she shows up 2 minutes later and tells me thanks for waiting and I said what were those signs you were showing me and she says that she was saying she will be there in two minutes. I was so relieved and told her I thought she meant for me to leave that the guy is picking me up and I was upset but she cheered me up by saying that she would never do that to me. I was happy. We went to buy her slippers and the whole time I looked sad when she noticed and told me not to rain on parade when I exploded on her and telling her why should I be happy, she is the one that met someone and moved on and I am still hurt and sad. She then told me that her friend from work told her to just cut me out her life forever because it would be like she was leading me on. I then confessed to her and said it was true I only hang out with you because I feel that she has feelings for me and will think it over and take me back. But she swiftly reassures me that it is not like that. She is done with me for good!!! Before we get to her house she tells me if I want to go to Fridays to hang out and I yell at her because I am confused, first she wants nothing to do with me then she wants to chill, I just dont get it. I just leave and later she calls and I invite her over to the BBQ. We barely chill as I am trying to get wasted and she is talking to everyone but me and basically tells them guess what she met a guy and she is SOOOOOOOO excited, WOW! So we drop her to the her home and head to the park, I sprained my ankle and some of the guys have to go home cuz they got work tomorrrow its Sunday night. So its 11:35 and I am updating everyone before I go shower so I can go to sleep early and wake up for my physical tomorrow so I can start my first job thanks to my aunt.
Brittjean06 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Oh man I read the whole thing not knowing there were cliff notes! haha I'm sorry this is happening Im sure its hurting you very deeply, like us all here who are moving on gradually. You need to stop trying to " convince her " you will just push her away and make your self look needy. Back off please give her sometime to figure out what she wants. The more you try to talk to her the more she will repel away from you. If she was truely in love with you she woulden't want to test out the waters with another guy. I know it hurts but even if she goes back to you she will most likely do this again considering her interests are changing towards you. Things change alot , you can " thank " time for that. She isn't the love of your life she is the love in the moment of your life and you need to see this as a wake up call ...this girl really wants out. Please don't talk to her and maybe she will see what she has when its truely gone. I'm hoping you don't take her back....you will just get hurt again! 28 and a 20 year old? yeah it could work for along time but things could change for them to. It is hard to try to understand how your SO ( other ) feels because you feel like since your so in love with her and have been with her for this long that she will feel the same. No people change and their feelings slowly change and there isn't anything you can do about it. You will get through the worst with time. I know your really upset but if she continues to be with this guy you will have to deal with this pain and some how move on. And you will . Doesn't feel like it at the time but believe me you will..
MrPot Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Jesus H. Christ, man, what are you doing? NC. Have you read about that concept on this site? If not, research it thoroughly. If you ever want her back, there is no way you are going to pull it off like this. What I advise you to do is go to this web site: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/ You don't have to buy his outrageously priced book, just read the site and internalize the messages. You are being her doormat. She doesn't respect you and she really shouldn't, behaving the way you are. You are sending her the message that you are a helpless idiot who has nothing else going for him but her. And that is not attractive. You need to tell her that you can't be friends with her because you still have feelings for her, and then make it happen. Don't contact her. Don't go where she'll be. If she tries to call you, tell her to stop. Just move on or you are going to hurt for much longer.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 I HAD A REALLY WONDERFUL DAY WITH MY EX TODAY, EVEN THOUGH SHE MADE IT CLEAR WE ARE DONE FOR GOOD AND SHE REALLY WANTS TO BE WITH THIS GUY. I don't know what it is? Or what I want? But all I do know is that I love this girl to death and if I did love her I would let her be with this guy cuz thats all she wants. I want to listen to you guys and I want to be strong and break off ties, but its not so easy when the love of your life for 4 years just ups and leave you outta the blue. I KNOW AND I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE TO LET HER BE AND LEAVE HER ALONE AND MOVE ON BECAUSE BECAUSE IF I DON'T I WON'T HEAL PROPERLY KEEPING IN TOUCH. Last night she asked me over IM to go with her to enroll to get her High School Equivalent diploma and I was trying to say no, but I really wanted to go because it would give me a chace to be with her. So the last thing she said before she signed off and went to sleep she wrote, "If you really did love me, you would come with me". (I was thinking that she is just saying that cuz she knows that I am basically her puppet right now and she can minipulate me all she wants and I am so weak I'd let her just to be in contact with her, yes SAD I KNOW!!!) I also felt that I shouldn't go cuz she wouldn't even to these things for me, but she would for him. She wants to be perfect for him, I am already noticing A LOT of changes over the last week she has made in her personality and the way she handles herself just for this guy, I think she is in LOVE, I'm DONE!!!) I said if I get up I'd go with you. I got up at 8am even thought I fell asleep around 4am and I haven't slept a full's night sleep in a week. (this drama all started a week ago). I just popped outta my bed and called her to wake her up that I'm gonna be there in a few minutes. She was happy and told me thankyou. While I was brushing my teeth I thought of it like if I popped up outta bed and didn't sleep well in a week that it is a sign and I should go so I am going with her. We both live in Brooklyn, NY so we had to take a train ride into Manhattan which was about 45 minutes, where I told her to just don't say anything and here me out. I had like a 1 hour speech all planned out but when I was face to face with her I got so nervous that it only lasted like 3 minutes, LOL. I basically said to her that I want you to be happy and I want you to go out and play the field and see what you want but hope you would miss me and miss what you had and come back to me. She said yes this is true she wants to date other people to see what she could be missing because I was her first and only love. But she was just leading me on I know her deeply for 4 years and I know that she was lying, she doesn't want to play the field, she wants to just be with this guy and thats it and basically I have no chance in hell at all. (SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THIS, I KNOW THIS). I also told her about this idea I had: I promised her I would change for her and not neglect her and treat her bad anymore and that if she comes back to me I would buy her a Promise Ring to promise her that I changed and want this to really work and will make it work, and also it would be a promise ring saying I promise to one day get engaged to you. She just said yea. (She was very unenthusiastic about it, if I woulda told here this even a week ago she would be bouncing off the walls with excitement and probably get even teary eyed) So basically my plan was shot down and that also reassured me we were done for good. Anyway we had fun the whole day doing her school thing and her going shopping. She texted and spoke to him on the phone a few times but very shortly because he was working, I wondered if it would be short if he wasn't working because she would want to be polite because she had company with her. We stayed about 8 hours in the city. We then went to Victoria's Secret so she can return a bra she didn't want and we ran into some underwear and asked my opinion and I kinda flipped on her saying that I'm not helping you pick out underwear so he can enjoy them. She gave me a mean look and I said I think I gonna go wait outside because this is all too much for me. While waiting for the train to get home she asked me to go with her to her school again tomorrow because she needs to do a practice test at home and take it in tomorrow as well as bring in some documents. I told her I had some things I had to do and made up things because I felt we had such a good time today that if we keep hanging out like this we would become friends and once a guy is in the friend zone he basically has no chance of making a relationship out of them. She doen't know I feel like this she just thinks I have plans. When I told her I can't make it she flipped cuz she knew I was probably lying and said fine I dont want you to come anyway, but quickly apologized a second later and saying she was just being mean because I turned her down. I dropped her home and she told me that she will meet him in about an hour to go out. (OUCH THEIR SECOND DATE!!!) We got to her steps and I told her I had a really great time hanging out with you today and she said she did too and we should do it more often. But I think she is just saying that. The best thing that made my day was that I said bye to her and she pushed her cheek out for me to kiss it, and I gave her a quick peck, YAY!!! Before I left I told her to think about what I said and play the field and see want u want and miss me and then come back to me. She said YEA RIGHT. I was laughing and started to walk away smiling. She asked if I was gonna be on aim tonight I said yes. She only wants me to be on aim so she can bother me to go with her again tomorrow. And I really don't want to because I want her to want me. If I keep going out with her to run errands I'm just gonna end up her friend and if that happens I would have no chance of getting back with her. So guys, Am I handling this right and keeping the communications open and staying scarce so I won't turn into a friend. Or am I just building up to a big let down and even more hurting for myself.
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 i'm in the same boat as you sorta, my girl of 5 years broke up with me yes it was sorta my fault, and for a month now we've been on and off...she said she wanted to see other people but i know her to well and know thats not what he wants and i got her best friends talking to her for me...unfortunatly its not the case with you, you are handling it great as i could see...as i'm typing this i'm tearing cause i can't imagine my girl with someone else...i hope all the best for you...but try and go out and do things...talk toher friends...i did and its making me feel better, but i still catch myself thinking about her...and i call her friend to ask whats going on and she always reassures me everything will be fien and she'll come back..i'm hoping.
moman Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 You are handling this all wrong. Cut contact with her IMMEDIATELY. Do not return calls. Do not be her doormat, and turn off that dammed IM. If she loves you she will be back in no time once she sees that you have moved on. Trust me on this - a VERY similar thing happened to me last year and lo and behold, after months of anguish, I was the one who was in control and telling her to leave me alone. Hell if I were you I'd even say something along the lines of "I hope he can please you in bed". Sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through, but trust me, you will get through this and be smarter and a better person for it. The pharmacist is likely only in it for the booty, I'm about his age, and I would only have one thing to do with a 20-21 Y/O female, and I can assure you that she probably wouldn't get the good end of the bargain.
MrPot Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I'm not even going to read that long-ass second post. But you need to realize that giving her ANY of your time right now is counterproductive. Do you want her back or not? If so, cut off contact. Show her have a spine, for pete's sake.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Thanks again for all the advice guys but I can't talk to her friends because they are all her work buddies and remember that this is where she met him and they were ones that put it in her head to go out with him I can bet money on this. She has been working there for a year and ever since, thats when I started hearing her the one line like every other month: "We should date other people, I want to see what else is out there that I can be missing". I feel and strongly believe that they want her to leave me because they are all jealous of her. She has been with one guy for 4 YEARS!!! and only been with one guy her entire life at the age of 20 in 17 days. They have all been with 5 plus partners and no where near that many years in a relationship, I know this because she told me a lot of times. I not saying she wants to be like them or that they pressured her, I'm just saying once you have a store full of 20 something year old girls and a cute guy hits on one of them, they all go crazy and are happy for her but secretely jealous they didn't get chosen. Everyone knows girls are jealous of eachother!!! This is an update that was supposed to be posted lastnight but I couldn't because for some strange reason my internet service was down. Any way I IMed her lastnight at around minutes to 11pm and she takes a few minutes to respond and when she does she doesnt even say hello she just jumps right to the question and asks me if I can go with her tomorrow (Wednesday Morning) to be here for like 7:30am, but I was playing hard to get and told her I'll see that I haven't slept well in a week because its been a week since you broke the news to me. So I asked her how come you just got back she said she was having so much fun that he picked her up at 5pm and she didn't get home till around 10:30pm or later. She said that he is amazing and they had a great time. I was like wow, I WAS amazing too right? and she said yes but I know she didn't mean it. And then she proceeded to stick a dagger in my heart by saying: "I think that I am in LOVE". I said how can you be in love after only two dates?!?! How can you be in love with me a week before, then a week later be in love with someone completely new? She said she just is and to leave her alone she got a lot of things to do. I asked if i can call her in an hour she said yes. Then outta nowhere my internet connection dies and I didn't go online for the rest of the night. I didn't even bother to call her later on either because I was affraid they might be talking or she might be too tired and i get yelled at. I get in my be around 12am so that I can get up early enough to meet her at 7:30 the next morning. But the thing is I didn't sleep for the WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT!!! because I came up with an idea: My genius idea (at least to me anyway) was to get her phone from her bag when she is in the restroom or somethng and find the guys phone number and then talk to him and basically tell him what is going on because he has the right to know that she is lying to him and that we didn't break up in January like she said, but that we were still together up to a week ago and having sex too. I wanted him to know before it gets too late and the poor guy catches feelings for her and gets hurt by her too, like me. So I stayed up all night planing a speech for him including every detail and make him believe by me giving out facts that happened on their date that only both of them would know. I know cuz I'm her ex and she is basically telling me to make me jealous and see what a wonderful thing I lost. So I was up all night running different scenerios on how to get the phone out her bag and what to say to this fella. I jumped outta my bed around 7:10am when my dad left to work and called her. She sounded very tired but glad I woke her up. She told me to call when I leave, I said nah I'll just leave to leave the doors open so I can come up. I had another great idea to hurry up and brush and throw on clothes and turn a 15 minute walk to her house into a 10 minute walk so that I can go into her room and get the phone number while she showered. Guess what? It worked!!! Mission successful. I copied the number while she was showering and ran out the room into the kitchen to get a glass of water like nothing happened. She came out and asked me to go to the dry cleaners and get her jeans I said sure. When I got back I could hear that she was on the phone with someone, probably him. This was now something very strange: She only had her underwear on while on the phone and knew I was gonna come back soon. She told me to turn around and not look and said sorry and took the jeans from me to cover her entire front. I felt sooo shocked, wierd, akward, strange, lost, hopeless, little, embarassed even I guess that she would do such a thing to me and I've been seeing her naked for 4 years, why would she now hide it? We even just had sex exactly a week ago? I dunno strange I guess? She has a robe, she coulda thrown it on, I think she was trying to mess with me. We leave, while going to the train station she insists on making me jealous and talking about the date again like I really need to hear that. And how she has chanched so much for him. She tried very hard for me but she changes EXTEMELY, EXTEMELY hard for him so naturally, I get jealous. She had an I pod of about 300-400 songs turned into barely 100 songs left cuz she felt he doesnt like that stuff, even though that type of music was all she played her whole life basically. Even the way she dress changed, and for the better too might I add, she is soo much sexier, but for HIM not ME The only reason why we are even together yesterday and today was not even cuz of me, it was cuz of him. She wants to get her GED and prove to him she wants to be a better person. Couldn't even do that for me!!! If this had never happened at all and we would still be together, me and her would be cuddling and sleeping on my bed to about 1:30pm where she would get up and get showered and dressed for work to get there for 3pm today. Hey, I would probably even walked her there. Oh well, her lost. So on the train ride there we don't even talk and I am all pissed and depressed cuz she is slipping away from me permantly and I didn't even do anything. Another guy came up to her and asked out even though she had a boyfriend of 4 years at home. But I can see at the corner of my eyes that she was looking at me cuz I was all sad, she looked sad as well, hopefuly because she is thinking about what she is doing to me, well I'll never know, but I do have a strong feeling. When we got out the train we got to starbucks, then walk to her school. But we just started arguing again and I asked again how could you love me only last week and start loving someone else only a week later? Thats when she started getting very cold blooded saying she never did love me that she just was comfortable with me that only the first year she loved me out of the 4 years together and the other 3 was out of comfort and being so used to me and just being routine I guess. (I really think she is telling me this because she wants me to get hurt and see that she wants to move on and she can move on with me finally stop chasing her around. I know she did love me for the full 4 years even up until last week because I could feel it. I was this girl's whole world and vice versa, the things she used to do for me and be there for me has to only be love If only I coulda returned it and put as much into it as she did, I would still have her and not even be posting this whole story... I need a blog...lol I couldn't believe what she was telling me so that I can get the hint and just be a friend to her not a lover. I flipped out and only a few feet away from her school, yelled out, "**** THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!" and walked to the train station and go home while she went to school by herself. I was sooo sad and wanted to burst out into tears but the train station was tooo crowed. The whole ride home all I could think about how it was worth it to stay up the whole night so that I can make it to see her and get the guys number and I didn't have to spend the day with her after I got my reward, thank goodness I got it as soon as I go to her house. I originally planned to call him about 3pm that way she would be at work and he can't reach her till 8pm when she gets out and he would have 5 hours to think things through. I wanted to tell him EVERYTHING, how I know everything they do, how she lied to you a lot already and then finally telling to move on and stop contacting her so she could come back to me and we can continue where we left off and just omit this last week in our relationship. I aslo wanted to tell him to get a more compatible partner, someone not 9 years younger than him that he can manipulate because he has a lot of experience with women and knows just wat to say to a 19 year old while you 28... LOSER. So I get a bunch of quarters and call him from a pay phone cuz I don't have a cell and don't want to use my house phone so he can trace it and call my house all day. I talk to him and he is like what ever man I don't believe you at all, that you are just a immature EX that can't handle the fact that she dumped me. A few minutes later she calls and was like tell me the truth did you call this guy and tell him a lot of ****. We started arguing and she was like how can I do that that I am messing it up and ruining her life. And I was like how can you do that to me and make me waist years of my life while you had me thinking you were in love but really was just using me as a comfort. She was like she is gonna tell her mom on me that I'm ruining her life and stuff and I was like do it I'll tell my parents too. I was like, "The **** is gonna hit the fan TONIGHT"!!! She basically tell me that I should stay the F**k outta her life and from here on out never try to see her or communicate with her in any way at all from now on. She told me that she told the guy I was a psycho cousin of hers that is was only looking out for her safety and that I am in love with her, see there she goes again lying to the guy. She wants me to call him so he can give me a speech, that its not healthy to be in love with my cousin, I'm like WHAT THE ****?!?! I said NO I'm not calling him thats stupid. So the last time I see her I walk away from her, that last time I hear from her she tells me to get the F**K outta her life and hangs up on me so I guess we are even then. She was supposed to go with me tomorrow to get a physical, now nothing, I'll never see her again, how is my life gonna end up now, I saw her in it till the end. Great, how depressing the last time I see and talk to this girl again is today, August 9th and her birthday is only 17 days away we had something special planned now she is gonna have something special with him, great they are probably gonna F**K on that day, ewwwwwwwwwww oh well you win some you lose some, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger!!!! Now that I think about it I think I over reacted and shoulda just stayed with her and not run home and try to ruin things with her and her new man because she wants me out of her life forever now. I went from a kiss on the cheek yesterday to not being able to ever see her or talk to her again I think I'm gonna die of depression.... I need to get over her ASAP to move on with my life. Come on all these views and no ones responding its like you just come for your daily update and press backspace. I need all the help and advice I can get I really do. I guess I shoulda went with my original idea from yesterday and told her I would be too busy to go with her today. At least she'd still talk to me. Now I don't get to talk or see her forever.... YIKES I'M SO SCARED HELP!!!
MrPot Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you realize that she sees you as a spineless wimp that will be by her side no matter what? Do you realize that you will NEVER get her back that way? Stop posting this novellas that no one wants to read, stop thinking you can maneuver your way back in somehow, and just leave her. It's not easy, but it's simple. And if you want any chance of getting her back or getting over her any time soon, you need to show her that she can respect you. And that means living your life without her for now. Now that I think about it I think I over reacted and shoulda just stayed with her NO. You shouldn't have been there in the first place. Have you been reading my advice? Did you follow that link? JUST WALK AWAY.
dancehead Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I have just spent 30 mins reading this whole thread. And wow! I can understand what you are going through. I am going through something a bit similar myself. I know the pain you feel in losing this girl after all these years. And I feel the pain and anger of being around her and seeing her move away from you and towards this guy. I can understand how angry you feel when she tells you things about him, buys underwear for him etc. Keeping an gf who is now an ex around you is torture. Your story makes me wake up and see what I am doing wrong. I don't know whay she wanted you as a friend unless she wanted torture you. Maybe you should read my posts. Maybe you can read from my experiences and see yourself? 1. You say she loved you and could feel it. So why did you not love her back? This is why she ultimately allowed herself to say yes to his date in the first place. This is why she lied and said she was single. 2. You acted like a jerk even after you found out about the date, you could have stopped this from happening by not being such an idiot. IE cancelling all the time and telling her its was over. She may have given you one last chance for you to change and you could have spent good times without fighting. Your actions proved was she was right to look elsewhere and there was not much left for her in you. 3. By calling her new date, any chance you might have had of him turning out to be a player, or it not working and her running back to you later is now pretty much gone. Because you disrespected her as the friend she wants you now to be, by trying to ruin it for her and you have gone behind her back and invaded her personal space by getting this guys number from her phone. It also makes her look more desireable to the new guy, to have bagged a girl who has at least one guy after her, as opposed to a girl who is totally manless. So pretty much this is the right way to go about NOT getting her back. Lets look on the bright side. at least you are now not talking and you will have closure and no contact. You can now move on. If you had been different and loved her maybe you would have worked out. You certainly have feelings for her think, but I think they are dominated by posessiveness rather than love. If you did love her then you have a funny way of treating her. I would try to forget her and rebuild you life, meet people and move on. Because it really is over now.
Guest Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 BimmerNY, You are being pathetic right now and I hope it doesn't take years of more failed relationships for you to realize it. Please trust the advice of seasoned persons on this message board. Move on with your young life. The way you are acting right now, with the immature, hurt, vengeful, obsessive, spying, jealous, "oh woe is me life is over" attitude just shows any girl that you would not make a good boyfriend. I wouldn't let any female friend of mine date you in this condition. You are young. Grow up. A woman broke up with you and either consciously or subconsciously takes pleasure in taunting her new relationship with you. Yes, she will eventually have sex with this new guy and nothing you do, whether you act hurt, or "tell him the truth," or just get angry with her, will stop that. I guarantee you that his penis will go into every one of her orifices. Realize this and get her the eff out of your life. Study, work, exercise, and become a thrilling, handsome, intelligent human being girls lust after. And I also guarantee, there are about 3 billion other women out there, most of whom wouldn't do those things to you. So get over it. If you don't want to listen to our advice and just want to post this drivel about how pathetic you're being, create a blog where girls will read and laugh at you and shake their heads in disbelief. Because that is quickly what is happening right here.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Thankyou Mr. Pot yes, I know there really has to be something wrong with me to still stay in contact with her and run around with her so she can torture me either purposely or not. And I will TRY, TRY, and TRY to walk away it would be easy as she wants nothing to do with me anyway. Thankyou Dancehead, thanks for spending 30 minutes of your day to read my thread and post valuable advice, I really appreciate that a lot!!! It also makes her look more desireable to the new guy, to have bagged a girl who has at least one guy after her, as opposed to a girl who is totally manless. This is so true Dancehead, I feel like such an Idiot, this guy is gonna pound the S**T outta her as soon as possible. The way I see it is that he is 28 and she is a very hot 19 year old, he will want to have sex with her asap. I mean he has been in A LOT of relationships so he's gonna wanna get back to having fun sex with her like with his ex's. So thats pretty much it for me, stick a fork in me I'm done. And to add insult to injury she told me that he has a bigger penis than me, OUCH!!! She told me this last week. He is such a jerk talking about his penis size with her on the phone before they even went on a first date. See he wants to move fast, why can't she see that. I feel he is just gonna play her and she will get crushed. Guest, thanks for this you are so right:Yes, she will eventually have sex with this new guy and nothing you do, whether you act hurt, or "tell him the truth," or just get angry with her, will stop that. I guarantee you that his penis will go into every one of her orifices. Realize this and get her the eff out of your life. Man its so hard that I keep seeing images of her all over his penis loving it like she did mine. I can't see her doing that with another guy and when I imagine it I get so hurt and feel so much pain. I hope I can get over her asap so that I don 't have to worry about crap like this. Thanks again everyone.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 10:30pm ***UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE*** She just called me to tell me that this guy wanted her to call me to say don't worry about her that he will never do anything to hurt her. She basically just lied to him again saying I just called to freak him out so that he doesn't hurt her, which is not true because I wanted him to see that she lies a lot and that he should leave her so I can take her back. Oh damn, I think my plan just backfired and brought them closer and they known eachother only a week. OOPPSS, its like every action I took since day one is helping her and him in their relationship I am such a LOSER!!! ALSO SHE JUST TOLD ME THAT HE WANT TO MEET HER MOM TOMORROW......**** IM DEAD, DAMN THEY ARE REALLY SERIOUS, THEY ARE GONNA GET MARRIED I CAN SEE IT NOW.
MrPot Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Are you just ignoring everything we're saying? Don't call her, don't answer the phone, don't go where she goes. She's delighting in your pain and you're just letting her have your way with you. Stop!
Violet87 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I've read this long thread and I don't think you're listening to any of the advice that was given. What do you hope to accomplish by staying in contact with her and continuing to be at her beck and call? Say that you can no longer continue to see her after she left you for another man. Go strict NC (No contact). Do NOT call, text, IM, email, phone, hang out, or even answer her calls. Chances are, she's probably making a mistake by getting involved with a much older man, but she's going to have to figure that one out on her own. Sometimes people need to learn the consequences of certain actions on their own. By letting her use you as a doormat and by constantly being in her corner, she's never going to realize what she had in the relationship. She wants you to stay out of her affairs, so respect her wishes. You're only making the situation worse and decreasing the chances of her realizing how much you meant to her by continuing to be her at her beck and call. From the looks of it, I don't think you two can really truly be just friends for the time being.
Pink Amulet Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I just read all of that. Half an hour I will never get back. Heed the advice given to you by the other posters. Copy EVERYTHING you wrote in to word, put a date on it. In a couple of years, after you have collected back your dignity, read back over everything and use hindsight to advise you on the handling of future relationships....
MrPot Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Thank you Violet87, not only for speaking the truth but for convincing me further that I can't be friends with my dumper ex at the moment.
dancehead Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Yes there is no way that you can be friends with her at the moment. Cut ties, DO NOT answer calls and leave her alone. Let her make her own mistakes and work on improving you life without her. There are plenty of girls out there, so go off and move on, why should you be miserable?, shes not. Shes out having fun and having amazing sex. Go and get some of your own and try to stop pining. I know its hard but you must do this. Maybe in a year or two you could be friends whhen you both have other people.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Dancehead, thanks again for the great advice but do you thinks that she is already having sex with him and they went on a first date exactly a week ago? And Amazing sex too? WOW, she's moved on FAST!!! Maybe in a year or two you could be friends when you both have other people. Yes, I would really love this Dancehead, I rather just be friends than not have her in my life at all. And we won't have to bother eachother with drama, just hang out as friends stress free. Oh and I had NO contact with her at all yesterday YAY!!! No phone calls, no IMs, or Texts, NOTHING!!! But don't be too happy for me, as she doesn't want to have anything do with me at all!!! Went to see Miami Vice with my 2 brothers, cousin, and a friend last night. I just thought about her a bit because we usually go see a lot of movies together, I got to get used to not going with her anymore. And I thought of her during the sex scenes too, and also how the sex will be between them, EWWWWWWW :sick: He's 28 and been with a lot of girls sexually so he will know how to please her more that I could cuz I only been with her, oooo WELL. Overall had a great time lastnight.
Author BimmerNY Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Hey Guys, I just got back from showering, I was playing basketball at the park with her younger brother today. Her brother, my brother, and I usually play basketball 2-3 times a week at the park. So he calls up today to say if we can go at 7pm and I said sure but my younger brother can't make it so it will just be us two and we can talk and find other people to play with. He says cool see ya at 7. Her younger brother and I are very close, his dad is a deadbeat and they don't speak. I am like an older brother to him, giving him advice and helping him out whenever I can. I am 7 years older than him and think of him as my other younger brother. The thing that is funny too is that my younger brother and him are like best pals, they always hang out I hope this doesn't change anything between them and they remain pals. So thats why I went with him, he knows about the break up and meet with the guy for the first time Thursday night along with his mom and younger step brother. I didn't want to make things weird for him so soon, eventually we will stop hanging out frequently because I don't want to make a clean break from him, he didn't do anything and doesn't deserve it. So we played basketball and decided after to go for a walk and we talk about the break up and the new guy. I learn he doesn't like the new guy at all. He doesn't like the fact that he is so older than her, he doesn't like that the guy meeting his mom only after a week, that they are moving way too fast. (But I don't think its her, I think its him, he just wants that booty.) THEN HE BREAKS THE NEWS TO ME THAT HE WAS UP TILL 4AM AND KNOWS FOR SURE SHE NEVER CAME BACK HOME FROM HER DATE. SHE WAS OUT ALL NIGHT AND MUST OF SLEPT AT HIS HOUSE!!! That PISSED me OFF!!!, only one week together and she is already sleeping at his house, see he is old and has experience, he knows how to work a younger girl. A week and he already got her over there. I hope and pray they haven't had sex or did anything sexual yet. As I type this it is 12:53AM Saturday morning and she is still not home. Probably gonna sleep over his house again. Damn this poor girl is moving SOOO FAST, SHE IS GONNA GET HURT BAD.
MrPot Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Man, are you going to heed our advice or not? Read my signature. Comply. Save your life. It is the best thing you can do.
dancehead Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 As I said she is having amazing sex. Maybe she has had it maybe she hasn't yet, but she will do soon if she hasn't, and theres nothing you can do. Its no longer your concern. You must accept shes not with you any more and must stop worrying and wondering what she is doing or not doing. hanging around with her brother doesn't help you. I know you want to stay friends with him because its not his fault. Basically you still haven't given up on getting her back, but you must accept shes gone now. I know its really really hard, but you must do this. Anyway would you really want her if shes been with someone else? Would she really want you back if shes been with somebody else and seen other things? Recover and go and find yourself someone yourself as I say.
Guest Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Bimmer, you're either a troll who is just trying to get us riled up over your crazy obsession or you are a young guy who has an incredibly little amount of experience with relationships and whose pride, dignity, and masculinity are fast disappearing. I hope for the latter, because you can arrest this downward spiral now by FORGETTING ABOUT HER. Nothing ties you to her. Not even her younger brother. So stop making excuses to remain in her life and get out of it. It is not "love." No matter how wonderful you used to feel with her, she's sucking on a larger penis now. Accept it and stop being so stupid. No more posts from me, I've had enough of this nonsense.
Moai Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Dude, you are at the point where you deserve all the torture you are getting. Stop talking to her, hypersnalyzing her behavior, and thinking about her having sex with someone else. She may have been your girlfriend for four years, but if she is anything like the women I know she has been looking for a way out for three and a half years of it. You are WAY too clingy and put WAY to much of yourself into her. What are you doing asking her little brother about what time she came home? Even if he volunteers information like that, tell him you don't want to hear it. You are a borderline stalker at this point. I am not trying to be mean, but at the same time it is pathetic to see someone torture himself like you are. This chick is not that cool. Trust me, there are millions just like her, and millions more better. All you have to do is forget this one and go talk to the others. The only chance you have of getting her back is to move on and not think about her. Seems backward, but it is true. That is if she has any feeling sleft for you at all, which is doubtful at this point. I mean, you could give a symposium on what not to do when breaking up with someone. Be a man, forget about her and move on. It might be a good idea to look at yourself and figure out why it is that this woman and your relationship with her dominate you so. If you don't, you'll repeat this for the rest of your life.
dancehead Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 I think some of you are being a little hard on the guy. 4 years is a long time and if the girl was the love of your life and she was your world, it is not easy to just move on and forget. Yes the obsessive behaviour is worrying but how many of us have done obsessive stupid things in love? I'm just saying its not that easy. The guy needs support, thats why hes here.
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