It's done. It's over. NC is in effect. I'm already feeling uneasy.

[basscatcher]

He called 3 times today and I finally answered at 6:26 pm.

I didn't know what to say when I heard his voice.

He asked 'whats up?'

I was quiet.

He asked 'how was work today?'

I said 'it was.'

He said 'you don't sound like your in a good mood.'

I said 'i'm not. your not going to like what I have to say.'

He said 'what now?'

I said 'we can't have any contact anymore. I can't have contact with you because I need to get myself straightened out and I don't want to hear your voice or see you.'

he asked 'why?'

I said 'you know why. If I start explaining this to you it will be all a repeat of what I have already told you. You know why. it is best if we don't have any contact.'

he asked 'for how long?'

I said 'I don't know. it could be 6 months it could be a year I don't know.I can't have contact with you, you set me back from helping myself. I have given you to much control and power over my decisions. I am too indecisive when I'm in contact with you. I can't help myself when I'm like this. you and I don't have a healthy relationship. It hasn't been healthy from the start and now you want to give me an illusion that I can have what I wanted 9 months ago. It wont work. I don't trust you, there is too much damage that has been done. for the past 3 weeks I havent been able to feel comfortable or at ease with this 180* turn you have done. I will always second guess it and be unsure of you now. I don't want or need to be this way and you don't want me to be always on your case about my insecurities about your sincerity. It just isn't a good situation and that is why I believe no contact is best.'

he said 'you have too many people telling you what to do, you are making a big mistake, have a nice life pada, your making a huge mistake, have a nice life pada!!'

then he hung up on me. The call lasted 11 minutes.

 

I could hear 'hurt' in his voice, then at the end his last words were filled with 'anger'.

 

I remember how he reacted to when he found out his Xgf moved in with another guy and they weren't even dating and he knew logically they were over but he still loved her.

Now with me, someone he was actively involved with and persuing to get back what he had lost--- I am worried about him... I can't help but feel worried.. I do care about him.. I know he is a grown man and he can take care of himself. I know what he choose to do now is his choice and I am not to blame if he choose to do something stupid.

I do know this..

Even so , I still hurt and am concerned about him.. I feel lost and confused now..

I don't plan to do anything stupid.

I plan to sit tight and not contact him or answer any of his calls if he should call.

It is going to be hard.

 

After he hung up the phone I went to call my gf to talk to her and I was upset enough that I accidently pressed his preset number on my phone and rang him. I didn't realize it until I got his voicemail. I immediately hung up and couldn't believe I pressed his preset number on my phone. I will have to take that off so I don't do it again.

I had him programed in as 2 and she is 5. her number sits right below his.

I have done that before in the past.

 

I know he is heading for the bar now. I'm sure of it.

My thoughts are of him now. My gosh I hate this.

I have NEVER done NC with anyone in my life.

 

Why do I have to care so much about other people. Why can't I be hard hearted. I feel like such a bitch. I feel so hateful and mean.

[utgirl2]

I can completely relate to your dilemma. It is the hardest when the one who has violated trust or changed the relationship then acts as if you have no right to look out for yourself. It is natural to feel concerned about someone you shared a relationship with. But, if he is indeed headed out to the bars, he is probably not confronting his emotions about this in a healthy way and therefore it is no coincidence that he wants you to put yourself in a precarious or unhealthly place (by keeping the lines of communication open) so that he doesn't have to face the reality of what has occurred between you two.

 

Keep respect for yourself as top priority, as hard as that may be when he makes you feel guilty for choosing it. If you can, turn off your phone. Think of a friend or someone else you can call when the desire arises to call him. In the long run, your heart and sanity will be the better for it.

[basscatcher]

I'm reminding myself of how much he held back affection and communication with me for the first 7 months.

 

I'm reminding myself of the attempts to push me (control me) into doing things he wanted me to do with him.

 

I'm reminding myself of his rage of jealousy and telling me who I can and can't see, what I can and can't do, and what I have to do. (when he was under the influence of alcohol last Sunday.

[utgirl2]

It seems he may have had a pattern of wanting things his way and only his way, without a whole lot of concern for you. If you think about NC as a way to take back your self-respect and in a sense, deny him that ability, it may become easier to not talk to him. Bring the focus back to what is best for you...no one deserves to be denied affection or controlled by another person. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but perhaps he did you a giant favor by making an exit from the relationship.

[johnnytable]

The response from your ex is not surprising and don't let it bother you. My ex was pretty pissed off when I cut contact from her. I believe she had this whole plan to breakup with me and then become her friend. Well you know what, that is her problem.

 

I felt the same way that you do now. I cared about my ex (still do of course) and wanted to help her with her problems. After two months, this has gone down a LOT.

 

Remove your exs number from your phone immediately. Remove his email from your address book. Delete all of his emails and messages. You cannot be in contact with him given the state that you are in.

 

BTW him asking you "how long" was such a stupid question. Nobody knows the answer to this. By the time that you do know the answer, you won't actually care anymore so it won't matter!

[basscatcher]

The regular long time posters arent here to know the situation so ill fill in a brief snip.

 

I met him last Oct through a local match making service. He broke up with his off and on gf of 3 1/2 years the day before he met me. they had been engaged 3 times during those 3 yrs. she is mentall unstable and is on a lot of medications because of it.

 

I knew he needed time to heal from her and let go. He wanted to date me and take it slowly. so I agreed. (big mistake). I started to fall in love with him. I began to feel uneasy and had a hard time figuring out why. I finally realized he wasn't giving me affection or innerpersonal communication. He wasn't sharing with me his thoughts or feelings for me or us. He wasn't showing me affection except when he was drunk and in the bedroom when we started to be intimate.

 

In March, he met up with his Xgf for what he said was for closure. She was dating someone else. He admitted he hugged her and they talked, she asked if they could go back to his place for sex. He said he said no. After that he needed space for himself and that last about 1-1 1/2 weeks. thats when I started to back off and in April he found out she moved in with her bf and he was obviously hurt and devastated. That was it for me. I broke it off with him in April.

 

He has since continued contact with me and would persist in asking me out in which i gave in a few times. Eventually it lead up to 3 weeks ago he told me he loved me and that he wanted a second chance. he told me that he didn't want to give me affection or innerpersonal communication because he didn't want to be hurt again. I have had a difficult time believing in his 180* turn. He claims he can give me what I want and need and he is willing to do it. He has recently showed signs of being controlling, pushy and that he's extremely jealous.

 

I don't want or need that in my life. I have had enough of it in my past. He couldn't give to me what I patiently waited for in the 6 months we were dating exclusively and I pulled away when he was so devasted over his xgf moving in with her bf. I can't be second choice..

 

I don't believe in him, I don't trust him, I dont have any faith in him.

 

There is so many more details. (read my other threads).

I broke it off with him. He wants me back. I chose to go NO Contact after debating this for a long long long time.

He hung up on me when I told him.

 

 

 

 

---- update:

He has called me twice since hanging up on me. He left a voicemail which I haven't heard yet. (my battery died on my phone.) My guess its a angry message which will only confirm his lack of control of himself. Or it will be a emotional message begging me to not do NO contact..

 

Either way I am not turned on by either behavior.. He made his bed...

He chose to punish me for what other women did to him..

He was unfair to me and has shoed signs of control and anger. This is not healthy in this manner.

[johnnytable]

Oh my god, RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! RUN RUN!

 

NC is so much a no brainer right now. This guy is messed up and you don't need this and you know it.

[basscatcher]

His vm last night was the return of the accidental call I made to him when I pressed the wrong preprogramed number on my phone. I was trying to call my gf.

 

His voice was filled with resentment towards me (anger).

he called back and said he was on his phone or in the shower when I called.

He said he was getting ready to go meet Kim, his biker chic friend, he torted off with a hate filled tone 'at least she cares about me.'

 

I felt angry when he said this because I thought 'yep, the man can't be without being near a woman. First thing he does is run to one of his flirty, trashy associates whom he hasn't seen or spoken to in months because he was dating me. now that I go NC on him he runs to her.'

 

He knows a lot of women named Kim. His Xgf was a Kim also.

 

All I could think is if any man in his right mind was smart they would know better then to say what he did. If he would have had a chance to win me back or possibly I could have changed my mind after some time he just blew it showing me that he runs to women when he is alone instead of calling up one of his trusted male friends to hang with.

 

I'm sure my suspicions are correct about him...

He once again won't give himself any time between women... He will jump into the next one (possibly this friend) without any heal time.

 

It is bothering me. Honestly, I'm not going overboard and flipping out in desperation because of his message. I can't help but shake my head at him.

[freckles3131]

I've followed this for a while....

You have been on these boards for a while now.

You have read the posts for NC and the benefits of implimenting it.

You know what you need to do and how to do it and why....

I agree with what the other posters have said....delete his numbers/block him from emails etc....

He will NOT realize your true value if you are always "there"...(even if you ignore 3 of his calls but answer the 4th one....you are still leaving that window open...now close it....)

You need to stand TALL...and you aren't standing tall by still speaking with him in any way,shape or form........Enough I say!

You will continue to be seen as his lap dog if you don't make a stance...and a BIG stance!

You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[basscatcher]

...(even if you ignore 3 of his calls but answer the 4th one....you are still leaving that window open...now close it....)

 

I didn't answer any of his calls. He left me a vm. I will admit I thought about torting off a TM but voided it out as soon as I thought it..

 

I need to keep my wits about me and keep NC.. He will confuse me more and work at sucking me back in.

[whichwayisup]

From now on, you owe him NO explanation of anything. By opening up to him so much, your reasons of why you need NC is information he really doesn't need to know. IF there is a next time, if he calls you and asks you ANYTHING, don't answer. Avoid the subject, say you have to go, say goodbye and hang up the phone.

 

If you see him in public, don't talk to him. This goes for any IM's or emails as well.

 

Most of all, put yourself first. Do NOT feel bad for putting yourself first. Do NOT feel bad about hurting him. Do NOT feel sorry for him or anything.

 

Keep with the NC, forever. This man Charlie is not good for you. Not now, not 6 months from now and not a year from now.

 

It's time to close this chapter of your life forever...

[basscatcher]

From now on, you owe him NO explanation of anything. By opening up to him so much, your reasons of why you need NC is information he really doesn't need to know. IF there is a next time, if he calls you and asks you ANYTHING, don't answer. Avoid the subject, say you have to go, say goodbye and hang up the phone.

 

If you see him in public, don't talk to him. This goes for any IM's or emails as well.

 

Most of all, put yourself first. Do NOT feel bad for putting yourself first. Do NOT feel bad about hurting him. Do NOT feel sorry for him or anything.

 

Keep with the NC, forever. This man Charlie is not good for you. Not now, not 6 months from now and not a year from now.

 

It's time to close this chapter of your life forever...

 

I hear the logic and understanding of your words.

In time I know I will come to believe this as the rest of me heals and learns to live again without his constant presence in my life.

He never stopped calling me when I told him to back off before. It really made it hard to continue my walk forward.

 

The NC is in place. I already had one temptation to correct his attitude you torted at me in my VM but I restrained because I know it will only keep the hope and fuel burning in him.

 

NC is just that.. It stops any feeding of hopes and it stops me from being tempted to crawl back into his illusion he is trying to paint for me.

[Becoming]

It's easier to tend to someone else's pain than it is to ours, Pada. Don't give in to that--that's the old pattern of "maybe if I just love them enough they'll love me back the way I want." If they love you, they love you--as is. YOU, not a woman who completes them, as it seems Ch treats women, with one pretty much interchangeable with another.

 

I'm just proud of you for doing this. Ya done good, girl. Stand firm. You can do this! Here are two links that I found helpful for getting in touch with what's happened to me as a result of childhood abuse/neglect. I basically buried my child and then allowed my shadow self to protect her with all kinds of crazy dysfunction I'm working through.

 

http://www.coping.org/growth/little.htm

http://www.io.com/~embrace/ego.html

 

This work, as you know, is rough. We're so scared of facing these forces that we have a tendency to run from therapy and doing the work we need to do. Instead, we turn to others to do what we think we can't do for ourselves.

 

But you, dear Pada, are a lioness of courage. If it gets to be too much, though, it helps to find a good therapist who'll keep ya honest.

 

Blessings on your new life. Don't put this new wine in old wineskins anymore. Those are old with burst seams that cause all the good stuff we keep trying to put in to leak out. It's time for a new way of being, new wineskins.

[basscatcher]

It's easier to tend to someone else's pain than it is to ours, Pada. Don't give in to that--that's the old pattern of "maybe if I just love them enough they'll love me back the way I want." If they love you, they love you--as is. YOU, not a woman who completes them, as it seems Ch treats women, with one pretty much interchangeable with another.

 

I'm just proud of you for doing this. Ya done good, girl. Stand firm. You can do this! Here are two links that I found helpful for getting in touch with what's happened to me as a result of childhood abuse/neglect. I basically buried my child and then allowed my shadow self to protect her with all kinds of crazy dysfunction I'm working through.

 

http://www.coping.org/growth/little.htm

http://www.io.com/~embrace/ego.html

 

This work, as you know, is rough. We're so scared of facing these forces that we have a tendency to run from therapy and doing the work we need to do. Instead, we turn to others to do what we think we can't do for ourselves.

 

But you, dear Pada, are a lioness of courage. If it gets to be too much, though, it helps to find a good therapist who'll keep ya honest.

 

Blessings on your new life. Don't put this new wine in old wineskins anymore. Those are old with burst seams that cause all the good stuff we keep trying to put in to leak out. It's time for a new way of being, new wineskins.

 

 

Once again YOUR AWESOME...

[AriaIncognito]

Keep up the good work, pada. It's hard to go NC, especially if they keep contacting YOU against your wishes. Hopefully, he will respect your wishes enough to not call or contact you and you will be able to heal in due time.

 

Meanwhile, keep posting here, and we'll all try to be as helpful as we can. :-)

 

Jennifer

[basscatcher]

Last night was odd.

Normally, Charlie would call me on Thursdays to make arrangements to meet up for appetizers and drinks.

 

I get to break my curfew on Thursday nights because I don't have to be in the office Friday morning till 9am. It allows me to be able to go out for about an hour or two longer then normal.

 

I sat home in a empty home because my son went to stay my gfs so he could babysit her kids today when she went to work.

 

I do have to admit I miss that normal activity. I have been missing the regularity of it for the past 3 months (I did give in a couple times to Charlie though). But knowing now that there is NC in place made it more restricted.

 

I was nice to have a very lazy, quiet evening (sort-of) but the routine/expectation was hard to get out of my mind.

 

I survived it.

 

The sort-of part is my XH was harrassing me last night. I shut my ringer off my cell phone so I didn't have to hear him call and I just let the answering machine pick up his threatening calls. I really wish I could put this OFP in action and call the police on him.. I can't yet. I need the child support and if I call the police on him, he will go to jail and loose his job. Therefore, I loose child support AGAIN..

 

Why are men so stupid. Ughhh..

 

I need to find a better paying job!!

[Walk]

Hi Pada.

 

My thoughts are with you. *hug*

[superconductor]

Why are men so stupid. Ughhh...

Hey, we're not ALL stupid!

 

Well, maybe sometimes we are.

 

OK, well lots of the time then.

[Becoming]

:lmao: :lmao: SC!

[basscatcher]

SC you are rubbing off on me. At first I was reactive to your posts. The more you say the more I see your wisdom.. Thanks

 

 

 

 

I'm doing well. I think of him once in awhile--mostly because I already miss having someone to go do things with like the local festivals, dancing, eating out, having a few social drinks, but mostly the attention of someone calling me just to say hi how are you doing...

 

I will be ok. It's not as hard as I suspected. I have my girlfriends to still go out with. I also, need to slow down and take time for myself which is something I haven't done much of in a few years. I need and will focus on things in my home life and personal life excluding men..

 

My time feels goodto have my time to do what I want, when I want and how I want to use it..

 

Now if I could just get my psychotic XH to leave me the heck alone. He is threating to come over and make me talk to him to work things out so we are on talking terms again.. He doesn't get that I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, I don't want to work out talking terms with him.. I have a OFP on him and I will renew it when it expires. If I get a differnt job I will enforce it if I need to and he will go to jail...

 

For now I am doing awesome...

Thanks everyone for your support and caring for a stranger....

[Becoming]

Peace to you, Pada. I'm off for two weeks but just wanted to let you know I'm holding you in prayer.

 

Is there a project at home you can do at this time--like paint a room--something that doesn't cost much much makes a huge difference. I find working on my space therapeutic. It keeps me busy and moving toward something good.

[basscatcher]

Peace to you, Pada. I'm off for two weeks but just wanted to let you know I'm holding you in prayer.

 

Is there a project at home you can do at this time--like paint a room--something that doesn't cost much much makes a huge difference. I find working on my space therapeutic. It keeps me busy and moving toward something good.

 

 

Enjoy your two weeks off dear..

 

There's not much to do in an apartment. I've been dabbling in reading again. I picked up the book Addicted to Love again and have been looking over those two websites you suggested. I like the coping one Its been beneficial. I am focusing on my home again. It needs a good cleaning and organizing. I've been so lost in the dysfunction of relationships with men for the past 1 1/2 years I need to focus on me and take care of me right now.. The idea of dating leaves a bad taste in my mouth right now. (This is a first in my life!!)

 

I need to get back into heavy job searching again instead of the little dabbling I've been doing.

I have things I need to focus on and practice working at focusing on them over men...

 

I'm still doing good.

 

*Last night my gf ran into my XH downtown at one of the clubs and she told him to leave me alone and stop harassing me or he will eventually end up behind bars.. (Hopefully, this connected in his head that I've been ignoring him on purpose and I won't talk to him..)

 

*I had to dismiss a male associate this morning which upset me briefly but I am OK with that also. I don't need to be his excuse for the problems he has in his own life with his gf. He isn't facing reality and I don't need to be attacked for things I didn't do. I didn't have much contact with him anyway. He is the one who called me for support with his drinking (alcoholic) so he wouldn't hit the bottle and his gf has played games with him for over a year. I don't need that in my life.. So I said bye bye too.

 

So theres been some cleaning of my life again of dysfunctional people.

I sad but its a load off my back..

 

Changes changes, theres going to more..

[Apathetic]

His vm last night was the return of the accidental call I made to him when I pressed the wrong preprogramed number on my phone. I was trying to call my gf.

 

His voice was filled with resentment towards me (anger).

he called back and said he was on his phone or in the shower when I called.

He said he was getting ready to go meet Kim, his biker chic friend, he torted off with a hate filled tone 'at least she cares about me.'

 

I felt angry when he said this because I thought 'yep, the man can't be without being near a woman. First thing he does is run to one of his flirty, trashy associates whom he hasn't seen or spoken to in months because he was dating me. now that I go NC on him he runs to her.'

 

He knows a lot of women named Kim. His Xgf was a Kim also.

 

All I could think is if any man in his right mind was smart they would know better then to say what he did. If he would have had a chance to win me back or possibly I could have changed my mind after some time he just blew it showing me that he runs to women when he is alone instead of calling up one of his trusted male friends to hang with.

 

I'm sure my suspicions are correct about him...

He once again won't give himself any time between women... He will jump into the next one (possibly this friend) without any heal time.

 

It is bothering me. Honestly, I'm not going overboard and flipping out in desperation because of his message. I can't help but shake my head at him.

 

My name is Kim & I know noone else w/ my name lol I didnt think it was that common

[basscatcher]

OK. It hit me on the way home. I do miss him. I miss the attention and I wonder if he was genuine.. I need to hold tight to my NC.. I need to allow this to ride out.. I can't allow myself to be treated the way he did.

 

Damn song.. The night Charlie became so affectionate and told me he loved me this damn song came on the radio when we were sitting in his truck in my parking lot. He was hugging me, holding me so gently. He was looking into my eyes. For the first time he was actually showing he was 'into' me... I need to go cry this out of me. Damn it....

 

Nickelback-Far Away

 

Far Away by Nickelback

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

 

 

I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

 

 

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

 

 

I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

 

 

So far away

(So far away)

Been far away for far too long

So far away

(So far away)

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

 

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing, 'cause i'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go

[basscatcher]

Ok Im better. I made supper, I ate, watched soaps and hells kitchen and reminded myself of the hell I went through all those months dating him.

 

It's to easy to focus on the good memories to block out the negative ones. I refused myself falling into that illusion.

 

I kept telling myself that I was desiring the illusion I wanted with him that wasn't happening. He may have started it the last 3 weeks but I know I couldn't trust in him to make it last always.

 

This is hard.. I have never disiplined myself like this before.. I used to give in to my dreams and hold onto them allowing myself to be shorted what I really want.. I refuse to allow myself to do that anymore..