UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I'm in a situation which has left me thinking I should possibly tell the W. The MM decided not to tell me he went back to her. However he knew had he I would not stay with him. I would not become the OW knowingly. So here I am. I requested he keep me in the loop so I could make my decsions based on which action he chose. He's been separated since Dec '05. He's decided to make it work...which I am fine with. In fact, I told him, go back and make the compensations for your marriage. Mind you, he didn't tell me he went back. But I figured it out and caught him in another lie to me. His reasoning for not telling me the truth...I didn't want to lose you. I don't know what's going to happen. You see though, this choice is mine. I will not be a OW knowingly. So, should I tell her or not? So far it's a 50/50 with my friends and family. I am wonded beyond repair from his lies. PS: I've been the BS before and I was glad someone told me.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 No. Don't tell her, if he is at home now, working on his marriage - The best thing you can do is let them be. End any sort of contact you have with your MM and allow him to give his marriage and his wife a second chance. The thing is, this man is bad for you - you know that. So the best way for you to heal, to get over him is to NOT have him in your life. And that means knowing what he thinks/feels/does. Including his choice to be with his wife. If you tell her, what is your main reason? You were the BS in the past, how did you find out? From the OW?
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 He is not home. But they are trying. I am fine with that. I am not fine with his lies. When I learned he was married. I told him. If you go back. I am gone. I will not be part of this relationship as a OW. He just asked to see me next month??? Why would he do that if he knew I would not be with him if he returned to his marriage. (mind you I never knew he was married until last month...and this is after a 5-year friendship) So it's his choice to be with his wife, and his choice to lie to me and tell me he's not with his wife. And, yes, the OP told me. That' how I found out. I was grateful they did. I realized I was not nuts and what my other problems were in my marriage...that's why I would tell her...so she knows what she is dealing with.
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 So here I am. I requested he keep me in the loop so I could make my decsions based on which action he chose. But I figured it out and caught him in another lie to me. Why would you want to have anything to do with a man who lied to you about being married and made you the OW without your knowledge. Even if he chose to leave his wife and be with you, why would you want him? You know he's a liar and a cheat. What makes you think even if he left his wife he would suddenly become all honorable and trustworthy and not lie and cheat to you...which he has already done over and over? And then, as if that's not enough, you want to get deeper into this mess by contacting his wife? Please. You want him for yourself and now that he went back to his wife you don't see why he should get to keep everything while you get nothing. Stop lying to yourself and stay out of this. His wife will find out what a weasel he is without you getting involved.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 But it's your choice to NOT put up with it. Once he is out of your life for good, it won't matter. It's not up to you to decide if his wife should know. She is married to him, and if she finds out let it be because he's an a-hole, a liar. Maybe she'll stumble across it on her own. I just think you telling her is more out of spite towards him, to mess him up and hurt him... Don't get involved in that part of his life. Again, move on and let him go forever. What he does or doesn't do isn't your concern anymore. As for him calling you again? Hello, it's called having his cake and eating it too! He wanted to see if you were "game". To be with him while he's still with his wife...Maybe as a back-up, or just to have more on the side. I really hope you don't ever see him again, more for your sake and your sanity. He isn't worthy of your time. Sorry I can't remember (Still on holiday mindfog!) are you married or separated/divorced now? If you're still married, focus ALL your energy into your own husband and don't worry about the MM or his wife.
alphamale Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 The MM decided not to tell me he went back to her. he's really under no obligation to tell you anything... I would not become the OW knowingly. you already were OW....he was seperated but still legally married. He's decided to make it work they usually do. So, should I tell her or not? Its up to you...if you want to ruin his life and get back at him then tell her...if not then don't.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Please. You want him for yourself and now that he went back to his wife you don't see why he should get to keep everything while you get nothing. Stop lying to yourself and stay out of this. His wife will find out what a weasel he is without you getting involved. I hate to tell to bring this to your attention, but since you are obviously unable to read. I do not want him. I wanted to be told the truth. That was all I ever requested. AND he knew I would not stay the moment he went back. You need to read the posting better, or get better glasses.
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I hate to tell to bring this to your attention, but since you are obviously unable to read. I do not want him. I wanted to be told the truth. That was all I ever requested. AND he knew I would not stay the moment he went back. You need to read the posting better, or get better glasses. You wanted him to tell you if he chose to get back with his wife or not. For what purpose? Because you would take him if he chose not to go back to his wife. Therefore, you want him for yourself. Like I said, stop lying to yourself.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Sorry I can't remember (Still on holiday mindfog!) are you married or separated/divorced now? If you're still married, focus ALL your energy into your own husband and don't worry about the MM or his wife. I am single...divored 8-years. And yes, part of me wants to hurt him and hurt him badly for lying to me. I will state it again. After I found out he was married, after 5-years of knowing him and discussing both of our divorces, just last month. If you go back home (which I told him repeatedly) you need to tell me because I will not continue on with you. I will not disrespect your marriage or your wife.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 he's really under no obligation to tell you anything... you already were OW....he was seperated but still legally married. they usually do. Its up to you...if you want to ruin his life and get back at him then tell her...if not then don't. I did not know he was married...he lied. I just recently found out a month ago,...this is after 5-years of friendship and even dating. So you are saying, it's ok for him to lie and break my heart, but he has no consequences for his actions?
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 You want him for yourself and now that he went back to his wife you don't see why he should get to keep everything while you get nothing. So you are saying, it's ok for him to lie and break my heart, but he has no consequences for his actions? Looks like you need to re-read your own posts, or turn your glasses inward.
BUTAFLY Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 See, this mm of yours knows you. He knows you love him and would not hurt him. So he takes advanage of your kindness. He's going around thinking he is scot free, 'There's noway she's gonna tell my wife,she loves me' so he is still able to hold on to your heart strings or go on to another woman for that matter. Why help him lie? because you don't want to upset him and hopefully one day he will come back to you- to hell with that tell the wife. ps. just read some response stating the wife will find out on her own. If he has been so good hiding this for 5yrs. he has only perfected his decietfulness. If no one speaks up, how do you supppose she will she find out?
BUTAFLY Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 If you go back home (which I told him repeatedly) you need to tell me because I will not continue on with you. I will not disrespect your marriage or your wife. This means in man speak ":eek: uh oh I better come up w/ a fast lie"
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Now for the other side of my brain...the non-emotional one. My reasonings for not telling her are these. I've been in her shoes and know what is about to happen.I would not want his daughter to think badly of her father (my age BTW)So see, I'm not the EVIL OW I do have a care. He, the MM, on the other hand knew how I felt and what my actions would be if he chose to go back. It just shows me his lack of respect for me. That those words of "I love you" mean nothing.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Then because of that child, don't tell his wife. Plus, you don't know how she'll handle it. Both her and their child. The best revenge for you?? Live your life. Move past this and forget all about him. Cut him out of your life in everyway. That is moving on...Not ruining his wife's life and his child's life to make sure he suffers and pays the consquences of his actions. That isn't your problem! Especially now that things are over between you two. Go tell her if you want, but I think you'll regret doing so one day. Could you look their child in the face and explain why you told their daughter why you felt the need to drop that news? Just really be sure, think ahead and understand there will be consquences to YOUR actions if you end up telling her what her husband's done. I will not disrespect your marriage or your wife Then stay out of their business and marriage.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Then because of that child, don't tell his wife. Plus, you don't know how she'll handle it. Both her and their child. The best revenge for you?? Live your life. Move past this and forget all about him. Cut him out of your life in everyway. That is moving on...Not ruining his wife's life and his child's life to make sure he suffers and pays the consquences of his actions. That isn't your problem! Especially now that things are over between you two. Go tell her if you want, but I think you'll regret doing so one day. Could you look their child in the face and explain why you told their daughter why you felt the need to drop that news? Just really be sure, think ahead and understand there will be consquences to YOUR actions if you end up telling her what her husband's done. Then stay out of their business and marriage. Wait, I think you mis-understood..his daughter and I are around same age. (40ish)
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Yeah, I think I misunderstood. Thought the daughter was very young.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Yeah, I think I misunderstood. Thought the daughter was very young. we can only make responses or comments based upon the info that is given...
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Looks like you need to re-read your own posts, or turn your glasses inward. I take it you are a betrayed spouse, guest...I've been there too. I was not trying to cause you pain. But you have not read any of my previous post and do not know what position I am in or how I go to this place. Do I love him...Absolutely. Will I let him go...Absolutely. He was never mine to begin with. But I did not know he was married until last month. I haven't seen him since May, so I have not carried on a PA or an EMA. What hurts is losing my friend...someone I have been close to for a many years. And someone that lied to me after allowing love to come into both our hearts. I'm hurt and I'm angered that he lied, and tried to keep around knowing I would not stay if he went home. As I told him tonight. I wish him the best. I'm not a vengeful person, Guest. I am one who's had their heart torn out and is pain. I'm sure you've felt that type of pain in your life too. Don't be so quick to judge next time. And I will try not to be overly sensitive.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Yeah, I think I misunderstood. Thought the daughter was very young. WWIU, my bad...sorry.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 FYI, I will not tell his W. It's not in me, and I will not hurt him like that. However, one of my best friends said to do it. I was curious to see what people would think. I find it amusing how people react to this question. That it's okay to hurt one person but not the other nor their family. What makes us so different that we can be hurt but they cannot? Funny how people react to that... But at least NC has been established. And that I am grateful for. I wished him the best as difficult as it was for me to say. I am moving on with my broken heart.
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think you made the best decision for yourself. Put this behind you and find peace.
newbby Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Then stay out of their business and marriage. although it is his business and their marriage, this is true, i think this was harshly stated considering that he kind of invited unknowing into his business and marriage when he lied to her for five years about being available, and began a relationship with her, wouldnt you say? that said, i disagree with you telling the wife unknowing. yes it is frustrating in the extreme that he got away with it, but what will you solve by telling her? that part is his business, and hers. your relationship with him began and ends with you and him. i hope you find peace with it. but i think that peace will only come without him, you wont get your closure with him, not by telling his wife, not by anything that you do or talk through with him.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I couldn't do it. And not even because of him. I couldn't do it because I could not knowingly hurt another the way I have been hurt and deceived.
Trimmer Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 The MM decided not to tell me he went back to her. he's really under no obligation to tell you anything... I disagree. He created and maintained a long term relationship with her under false pretenses - not admitting he was married. Once she learned this, she made it clear what the conditions were for maintaining a relationship, and he once again lied/withheld information that was clearly pertinent. It's not that he went back to his wife and left UOW alone (in which case I would agree - he would have no obligation to communicate with UOW), as I read it, it's that he went back to his wife and still attempted to maintain the relationship with UOW by lying, after she had already made her boundary clear ('if you go back, then go in good health, but don't try to stay with me if you do.') I don't see how you could consider him to have no obligation of honesty under those circumstances. I find it amusing how people react to this question. That it's okay to hurt one person but not the other nor their family. Unknowing - I think it's important to draw a distinction here - by advising you not to tell the wife, no-one is saying that it was OK for him to hurt you (well, I'm not, anyway). That lie of his was clearly a betrayal of what you thought to be an honestly-built relationship, a crack that now runs through your entire memory of your time with him... Ironically, alpha said it himself: 'we can only make responses or comments based upon the info that is given', and your MM withheld information that I believe he owed you. I couldn't do it. And not even because of him. I couldn't do it because I could not knowingly hurt another the way I have been hurt and deceived. It wouldn't have helped your healing to tell her - it might well have hindered it. The farther away you get from him and them - in time, space, and emotion - the more peace you will find.
Recommended Posts