Is there hope

[Guest]

I know this has been asked over and over. Is there really hope for me to get back with my ex?

 

I broke up w/ him 1.5 yrs ago (and still hurting) from a 5 yr relationship b/c i felt we were not moving on and although know this is bad...basically gave him an ultimatum...i wanted to marry him.

I was his first and only girlfriend and I know the whole time he was always a little nervous about forever...but b/c I loved him so much I was willing to wait.

Anyways he wanted to also breakup b/c he wanted some time apart to find out what he wants then get back together.

 

Well surprise surprise, just as I was getting over him and having met this great guy, my ex comes back to me after a year asking for me back. I was too scared that he would break my heart again and couldn't risk the new relationship. Well...stupid me should have just held off on any relationships.

 

I stayed with the current guy, but not without thoughts of my ex...I finally broke it off with him, b/c I couldn't go on feeling like I was leading him on (although there were honestly some great feeligns for him).

 

I am very lonely right now and after 1.5 yrs still not over my ex, who has since changed his mind again. He still really loves me and cares for me but since he has never ever thought about marriage and then to give me the assurance I need...he is afraid. I am really hurt that he would be willing to give up 5 yrs...it's like giving up on family...we never had any serious problems so to end it like this really is hard.

 

I feel like him being inexperienced does not realize how good we had it. Now I admit we were losing our spark near the end but we rarely fought, always got along, and treated each other well the whole time. I know he has a little bit of hope but does not like me to wait for him and not find happiness.

 

He did not date the whole year we were apart, is kinda anti-social at times and kept himself busy w/ work and exercise. But since I last talked to him almost 3 months ago, I don't know whether there is someone else or not. That time ago I knew he loved me and was still attracted to me...but I guess he can't give me what I want so doesn't want to be with me and want's to see what it's really like with someone else so he can be sure. I've known so many relationship and read so many through sites, and wish he would realize we really did have a good thing going.

 

I've never wanted to be with anyone so much in my entire life and been so sure...that's why it was so hard to commit to the new guy. It's been so long and he hasn't found anyone yet, do you think he will ever come back to me?

[Chinook]

I've never wanted to be with anyone so much in my entire life and been so sure...that's why it was so hard to commit to the new guy. It's been so long and he hasn't found anyone yet, do you think he will ever come back to me?

 

The only difference between my situ and yours is that we were together 10 years and had got engaged. My ex did date again and is now with someone else. It may be that your ex is too. I wish I knew what to tell you. I have a friend who keeps telling me the story of Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood - where they met when they were both married to other people and yet they always held a flame and years later they finally got together after they had both divorced.

 

Right now, I can't tell you he will come back. In fact, I want to tell you he never will. It would be easier on you that way but then what hope for the future...? The only sure thing I do know is that you have to resolve your own issues about this relationship and you can't hold onto a past. The only thing you can do is accept reality. For me it centred around not listening anymore to the "yes, I still love you" and focusing instead upon the actual fact that despite what came out of his mouth, he was still with someone else. You need to focus upon your reality too... let's face it, he doesn't have alot to stop him coming back if he isn't dating... the harsh truth is, he doesn't WANT to.

 

Someone once told me it takes around 3 years to grieve for a significant loss like a long term relationship. You're only half way there. But I do think you need to focus upon yourself and what you want and decide to leave him behind because as you said, he cannot give you what you need and this fixation with him has already killed one relationship. My situ recently did this too... and I've vowed that above all else I am not sacrificing my future again for anything or anyone.

[jerbear]

My situ recently did this too... and I've vowed that above all else I am not sacrificing my future again for anything or anyone.

 

Good advice.

 

I almost married a woman because I wanted to be with her. I had the chance to get a better job, start career #2, and move on to greener pasteurs as in more money.

[skate]

So since last i broke down and wrote some emails to my ex...not about getting back together but more about regret and understanding. I don't know how to interpret his reply as it could have been a friendly yet caring reply. Anyways, i also called leaving him a msg to apologize for my crazy emails and get a chance to return all his things to him. He called back as soon as he got home to his hotel (away for business) and we actually had a nice friendly conversation for a good amount of time. He said that he would call the next day when he returned or even if he didn't.

He then called the next day as soon as he returned and was driving back home to arrange possibly meeting up for coffee the next day. I said that it wasn't really necessary i just wanted to make sure he was around and i could just drop of his stuff. He insisted we meet and said he would call tmr to arrange.

The next day he calls, we arrange that he would actually stop by my place so he could check out my new place (i recently moved). I showed him that i was trying to return all the things that involved our relationship, gifts, pictures, etc. His first reaction was " XX, don't cut me out of your life" then insisted i keep all the things. I refused so he agreed to go thru everything and only pick out the unimportant stuff to take back. While going thru things, he cried, i cried and we hugged. It was shocking that he cried, b/c he is not an overlly emotional expressive guy. He also initiate all hugging, asked me if i was still seeing that other guy, and even clearly expressed some physical attraction. The whole time i was friendly. I expressed to him that his friendship was important to me. He offered to come by and move some furniture for me. We ended with a friendly goodbye and him giving me a peck on the cheek. Later that even ing he sent me a touching email, but not overlly obvious about his feelings towards me other than caring and loving me as a friend.

Later that week we arranged to meet to move my furniture where i suggested we hang out afterwards, which he agreed. That day was nice, we went played some frisbee in the park, had some dinner and then he was going to go home early, i suggested dropping him off at his truck but he insisted it would be nice to go in for a bit. I think that my sadness was clear, even though i never expressed anything.

At this point i was really sad b/c he showed no affection so far. Then when we got to my place he initiated lotsa hugging, we gave each other back massages and he even made me lean my head on him w/ his arm around me. He left and said he would call the day after next to drop off something i needed back from him. Minutes later he txt msged me saying he had fun.

He did not call and i know he could have just been talking in passing, but i was extremely down. Days later he emailed me saying he had a lot of fun, initiated he would like to help me fix something in my house and asked if i were free some time to do something. (let me tell you he has always offered to help me fix things, b/c he cares about me, not necessarily cuz he wants to be with me. He told me he would always be there for me whether or not he is seeing someone or i am b/c he didn't care what they thought).

This all sounds great, but since then he had not initiated arranging a time to meet to fix or hang out. I know in my mind he is a busy guy esp now with renovating his house, etc. and he has always been bad w/ timing, and scheduling. After i txt msged him days later inquiring about when he woudl fix my stuff, he emailed saying he was so busy and having a bad day and aplogized for as usual never being able to keep his promises. Part of me wants to think logically b/c he has always been this way, trying to do too much and never being able to keep his promises of trying to please everyone..his intentions are always good.

Well i said it was ok and was very friendly about it and said it was ok & not necessary. I also broke down and sent him an email about regret for my previous ways and understanding what he wanted right now, and just trying to show that although i still have some pain, i am no longer pushing him, but rather excepting & respecting him and still care for him.

Later we arranged to meet for him to look into fixing my stuff as he insisted, so he came by. when he came by i insisted again he take back all his stuff, but he refused. I left him a cute note expressing i will still be his friend and support him & his family after knowing each other for 7 yrs.

Later that night he emailed me titled "it was nice to see you" and aplogized for having to rush off but planned on coming to fix my place.

 

So here i am after this long story (i apologize) not knowing what to think and have been depressed for weeks not eating or sleeping well. Although it seems there are some clear signs, and it seems as if he is just trying to feel me out and see where things go, i cannot get past some things he last told me. he did not want me if he had to break up a relationship, he needed to see someone else (so he had no doubts of me and get some experience), he felt it wasn't the right time for us. I am afraid that after all this time he may still feel love for me but no longer in love. I cannot get past that he wants to be with someone else. Although after all this time, he still hasn't made much of an effort to even date.

 

I am saddened by the fact that i have to do most of the initiating to make contact (although is was similar to this when we first started dating), but also afraid that if i don't he will definitely lose any attraction to me and it become more friendship to him. Part of me wants to be around him b/c i know i will be his main female around him so he is reminded of the good times we used to have. although i have made some mistakes by emailing him my thoughts i have made good efforts at making our times together friendly & enjoyable. he has never been one to initiate much w/ a girl (kinda shy i guess) and quite slow at progressing a relationship...

 

I don't know if i am making excuses for him to make me feel good about some hope, but i need some real unbiased opinions..am i just thinking too much?

 

Thanks for reading

[skate]

Sorry, i have to add that what really makes me uncertain is by his slow responses to me now and lack of eagerness to contact/see me...i seem to can't understand why he would rather spend time at home, sleeping early than to see me or talk to me.

Also i am strongly not over the fact that 2.5 months ago i asked for him back and he said no b/c he had not dated like me. He told me at the time he doesn't want to have doubts & i basically forced him into saying that he had some small hope for us. The fact is that he said no to me one & half months after asking for me back. Everything he said to me, no more doubt, experience, life getting in order...he reverted back saying he needed to clear these things up...

 

what should i do? just leave him along and give him space again...we are back in each others lives again (weeks) after months of no contact...should i just give up?