strangeway Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 When a couple has been involved for 2 years, and things start to turn sour, such as name calling, disrespecting and putting your hands on each other, to the point where one person asks the other would they rather just break up or risk being seriously injured by that other person, do you think there is any hope whatsoever of them changing and things getting back to normal, or do you think that because of the amount of disrespect that has taken place and the question that was posed, pretty much spells that it is over??
JadeStar Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 I think the main question is how long does one hold out in hopes that things will change. I do believe people can change but they have to want to first of all. Counseling needs to be apart of the equation on the road to recovery as well. I think it depends on what both people want, and if they are both willing to put forth the extra effort to make things work. I would suggest marriage counseling, individual counseling as well. If this is something you simply can not see changing or if either party is not willing to at least try, then sometimes its best to just get out of a situation. JMO. Jade
Author strangeway Posted July 12, 2006 Author Posted July 12, 2006 Okay, but once it gets to the point of him telling her that he might get so mad that he slams her head against the wall, and if she doesnt want that to happen, they should split?? Counseling at this point is not something that is going to happen. Not because it isnt wanted. It is just not going to happen due to circumstances. When there is a loss of respect, can and is it even worth it to continue?
Pyro Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Okay, but once it gets to the point of him telling her that he might get so mad that he slams her head against the wall, and if she doesnt want that to happen, they should split?? Counseling at this point is not something that is going to happen. Not because it isnt wanted. It is just not going to happen due to circumstances. When there is a loss of respect, can and is it even worth it to continue? If any physical abuse is involved, then I feel as though counselling is necessary, or you need to end the relationship right away. You both must want it to work in order for it to get better between you two.
MarnieGirl Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 i think it can go either way. sometimes couples at a stalemate need to get to that point of despair, or rock bottom, whatever, before they realize it's got to change...or end.
basscatcher Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Counseling is needed.. If counseling isn't a option then it is healthiest and best to separate. I had to do this from my xh or one of us would have killed the other. He was physically abusive and I was going into blackouts due to rage (anger). I came out of a blackout with him yelling at me in the kitchen and I found myself staring at the butcher block of knives thinking to myself "leave me alone, leave me alone, shut up, shut up, shut up, get out of my ears." I knew if I snapped any worse I may have turned in defense and stabbed him with a knife or whatever was near me to stop him from abusing me.. I moved out 2 weeks later and never returned. My divorce was finalized 5 months later. I knew after the first month away from him I would NEVER return. It's been almost 9 years.. I still can't stand to be around him much longer then 15 minutes and even hearing his voice on the phone makes me ill. He is till abusive, controlling, manipulative, a drug user, self centered and narcissistic. He hasn't changed. I have. I got help, he didn't.. If counseling is only one sided you are pretty much doomed. If abuse is happening it won't change without help.
JadeStar Posted July 12, 2006 Posted July 12, 2006 Okay, but once it gets to the point of him telling her that he might get so mad that he slams her head against the wall, and if she doesnt want that to happen, they should split?? Counseling at this point is not something that is going to happen. Not because it isnt wanted. It is just not going to happen due to circumstances. When there is a loss of respect, can and is it even worth it to continue? Not going to happen due to circumstances? Like what? If its a money thing, you might could look in your local phone book or do a search online for your area for free counseling services. If threat of pyshical violence or even if its happening, you might want to call at domesetic hotline ASAP. Are there kids in the home? Respect can be gotten back, but it would have to be earned, and yes counseling of some sort is needed. Jade
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 I am absolutely LIVID with this rage that cant be explained. It is like when you want to rip all your hair out. I can barely contain myself. I have been at this s*** for 2 years, and it has come to this. Last nite, I wrote him a letter, explaining how I feel, about the whole anger/hitting thing. I brought up several key points. I asked many questions, one of which was if he thought he would ever lay a hand on me. NONE of this s*** got answered. NONE of it....he read it, and promptly fell asleep. I kept asking him what his opinion was, what he thought of it all. Had NOTHING to say on the matter. AT ALL. In fact, it only made him mad that I was disturbing him. I took this to mean it was over, and started to initiate the break up conversation. This had an effect on him, but it was more like "stop pestering me with this s***". Finally, I was at my wits end and stood up, thanking him for his time. Thing is, it seems like it is over, as he wont even share an opinion about any of it at all and goes to any lengths to avoid any and all conversation with me about anything....but when I try to leave, I cant get the things that I need to leave. For example, my car keys, or my cell phone, or other somewhat important (and very important) things. He hides these things, but refuses to actively participate in a relationship with me. Someone help me, I am near hysterical tears right now. It seems like he wants me to leave, but he wont give me the tools necessary to do just that. I am living in limbo, and it is tearing me apart.
PandorasBox Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 To me it was over the minute he started calling you names, disrespecting you, being violent etc. Sure he could change his ways probably, but not without alot of help from a professional. He is controling you by hiding your things. Are they always hid? Do you never have your car keys for anything? Surely you are able to go places. The next time you do have access to your keys, cell etc, get the hell out. Make a plan to leave, Say nothing to him about it. Tell friends or family or a least one other person of your plans. Maybe they can help you out. Its a very toxic situation and I think its best at this point to leave.
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 Sure, I can get the car keys or cell phone after a while, obviously because I need them for work and he knows this. Its not just those things, its other, more important things that he knows I need that has been hidden, that I refuse to leave without. Because some of those things cant be easily replaced, and some of it is almost necessary to live. Without getting into detail, mind you. I just refuse to leave without securing these things. And he knows this. But yet, he refuses to even engage in a relationship with me, or some normal semblance of one at least. I feel like a ghost, to be honest.
PandorasBox Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 just refuse to leave without securing these things. And he knows this. I understand, but since he knows this, he has got you where he wants you. Whats more important to you, these things in which you say you need? Or getting out of potentially dangerous situation? It seems to me your sanity, your self respect and your life would be more important at this point. If you truly want out, maybe call a hotline and they can better advise you how to get out of the situation. Possibly they might tell you how to go about getting these things you say you need. Maybe the police has to be involved, not sure on that though.
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 If you truly want out, maybe call a hotline and they can better advise you how to get out of the situation. Possibly they might tell you how to go about getting these things you say you need. Maybe the police has to be involved, not sure on that though. You are right, of course. I just thought that because we had come so far, I wouldnt have to resort to that kind of mess. I am just trying to figure out why it seems like he doesnt want anything to do with me, but still keeps me hanging on....why?
PandorasBox Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You are right, of course. I just thought that because we had come so far, I wouldnt have to resort to that kind of mess. I am just trying to figure out why it seems like he doesnt want anything to do with me, but still keeps me hanging on....why? Its a control thing for him, or a power trip perhaps. He has you around or wants you for when its convinent for HIM. Thats not a healthy relationship. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Let us know how things are going.
basscatcher Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 I am absolutely LIVID with this rage that cant be explained. It is like when you want to rip all your hair out. I can barely contain myself. I have been at this s*** for 2 years, and it has come to this. Exactly!!!! I'm concerned your rage will snap into blackout rages like I did. I put up with him for so long and kept wishing and hoping he would wake up and change his ways that I pushed myself to the extreme and make myself very unstable and unhappy. NONE of this s*** got answered. NONE of it....he read it, and promptly fell asleep. I kept asking him what his opinion was, what he thought of it all. Had NOTHING to say on the matter. AT ALL. In fact, it only made him mad that I was disturbing him. I took this to mean it was over, and started to initiate the break up conversation. This had an effect on him, but it was more like "stop pestering me with this s***". Finally, I was at my wits end and stood up, thanking him for his time. Sweetie, He is in denial and he is going to play stupid and ignore the facts. The things you are saying about him remind me as a mirror image of my xh. He can't face the truth of the situation. He doesn't know how too. Therefore, he wont change or work on things with you.. Until he realizes his bad behavior and feels remorse--sincere remorse--for his behavior he wont change or get help.. Thing is, it seems like it is over, as he wont even share an opinion about any of it at all and goes to any lengths to avoid any and all conversation with me about anything....but when I try to leave, I cant get the things that I need to leave. For example, my car keys, or my cell phone, or other somewhat important (and very important) things. He hides these things, but refuses to actively participate in a relationship with me. Someone help me, I am near hysterical tears right now. I too went through this. It is manipulation and control. You have given so much of your own power over to him that you don't know how to stand on your own two feet and make a decision and STICK TO IT. You have become a professional shape-shifter. In other words you sacrifice yourself and shift yourself into denial as well. You are so addicted to the game and being the victim you give up the fight because you have exhausted yourself fighting to get him to open up to you, communicate with you and admit he is wrong and say he is willing to get help. You have lost your dignity, self respect, and logics on this man trying to make things work. The words you use sound like a classic case of an abused woman.. You will even defend him and make excuses for him if anyone should say anything negative about him. You make up excuses about him to yourself too so you can live in your fantasy made-up world that he can change.. Sweetie you are settling for less, exhausting yourself fighting for the relationship. You are losing yourself to him. It seems like he wants me to leave, but he wont give me the tools necessary to do just that. I am living in limbo, and it is tearing me apart. YOU are tearing YOU apart.. You accept to stay there out of fear, misplaced hope, denial, low self esteem, guilt, and habits. My XH acted like he wanted me out too but when I started to pack he flipped out. He would beg me in tears to forgive him and give him another chance. He would drop down to his knees begging me. Tears flowing out of his eyes, panicking so much he was foaming at the mouth as he begged me, grabbing my hand holding it tightly in his desperate plea's, even admitting he was wrong, he had problems, he wanted counseling, he would do anything not to lose me. He pulled all the stops and too many times his behavior and promises held me back from walking out.. Finally after 11 1/2 years I grew a backbone and closed my eyes and ears off to his desperate pleas and Cries. I took my son, my battered and bruised heart, mind and soul and we left... I finally got sick of everything. I didn't care if I lived or died at that point because my life was dead anyway. I had nothing at that point but my son and myself and I didn't even know if I had myself. I felt like I was insane. I had illusions of killing him. I had illusions of stabbing him with a butcher knife when he was barricading me in the kitchen yelling in my ears so loud I couldn't hear anything but ringing. I even fought back physically all the time in self defense... Sweetie, were is the bottom for you? When will too much be too much...?? Mental, emotional and physical abuse will strip you of all your dignity, self worth, hope, faith, happiness, friends, family, good judgment, your children and even your life... Believe me you may think he doesn't care if you leave but if you do he will trip out... If not then he didn't really care to begin with. Either way its not good. This man is unhealthy and being involved with him only reinforces you to be unhealthy. Sweetie, you need to get yourself help. You are a abused woman and your emotions and words in this forum show that.. I recognize the symptoms and signs.. You need to find help.. There are advocacies that will help you in all ways if you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Choosing to do anything (staying with him or leaving him) is going to feel embarrassing, you will feel scared, guilt, worthless, useless, down on yourself, even a feeling of freedom and hope. It is a very mixed bitter/sweet feeling when you finally chose real life over one that is filled with manipulation, control, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, loneliness, lack of true love,.. You need to learn to live again. The right way. Being with this man isn't living. Its slavery to abuse.. You deserve so much better. I am very passionate about this because I recognize the traits in your post to my past life.. ONLY YOU CAN CHOSE TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE HIM... Stand on your two feet.. Don't let fear control you. You are your own destiny maker. You can't control or change anyone else but yourself.. You need to take back your power and take care of yourself Hun.. He will never treat you the way you deserve to be treated.. There is someone out there who has the good qualities you see in this man and will treat you so much better. You need to get healthy with yourself. If you want to get out of that situation then JUST DO IT... I know you can, because I did and so did so many others.. AND we are here to live to tell it. So can you...
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Thanks! I really truly need it now to keep my sanity intact. Has any of you out there ever been in this type of relationship? Has it worked out? Does anyone want to take a stab at what they think might be going on with him? Maybe from a psychiatric view point, sort of like an analysis of what he is doing?? And does he know he is doing it?
basscatcher Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks! I really truly need it now to keep my sanity intact. Has any of you out there ever been in this type of relationship? Has it worked out? Does anyone want to take a stab at what they think might be going on with him? Maybe from a psychiatric view point, sort of like an analysis of what he is doing?? And does he know he is doing it? Darling,, It doesn't matter what he is doing and why. The man has problems and you are trying to save him and fix him.. You can't... He is abusing you and you don't deserve it... NO matter what you think... I understand that want and need to know... To understand... To have answers to why someone is the way they are and how to help them. Unless they ask you for help, sincerely (meaning they put it into motion not just words), you cant help them. You need to focus on you... You are so busy trying to fix and help him that you are making yourself unhealthy, unhappy, and it will start to affect your health.. I developed all kinds of health issues related to stress of my relationship.. The abuse you put my mind through will show the affects on your body... This man is not happy with himself. This man isn't willing to make any changes right now. This man doesn't accept what is wrong. This man is avoiding the conflict. This man doesn't love you enough to care about your feelings because he doesn't love himself... I think he is using you so he doesn't have to be alone. Misery loves company....
PandorasBox Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks! I really truly need it now to keep my sanity intact. Has any of you out there ever been in this type of relationship? Has it worked out? Does anyone want to take a stab at what they think might be going on with him? Maybe from a psychiatric view point, sort of like an analysis of what he is doing?? And does he know he is doing it? You're Welcome! BTW, great post pada!!
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 padameckla, Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I dont think he is abusive, I just think he doesnt care. At all. About my opinions, feelings or me. Its like I live with a ghost. Or maybe, I am the ghost. I feel like I am there, but not really, if that makes sense...does it? He wants a relationship, and with me, but only if it doesnt interefere with him?? I guess? Does he know what he is doing??
PandorasBox Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 padameckla, Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I dont think he is abusive, I just think he doesnt care. At all. About my opinions, feelings or me. Its like I live with a ghost. Or maybe, I am the ghost. I feel like I am there, but not really, if that makes sense...does it? He wants a relationship, and with me, but only if it doesnt interefere with him?? I guess? Does he know what he is doing?? You don't think he is abusive? Him yelling at you, calling you names etc, is verbal abuse! Him threating to pyshically hurt you is abuse! Him trying to control you, by hiding things, is abuse! Theres many forms of abuse, mental, emotional, pyhsical, and verbal. Just becasue he is not slamming you into walls or beating you to a pulp doesn't mean its not abuse.
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 yes, pada, it was great advice...I am just so stuck that I am unsure if he even knows he is doing these things. I cant explain how our relationship is, but it just feels weird. When I am angry, or feeling strange, he NEVER asks me whats wrong. If I end up telling him because I cant keep it in, he is listless, unresponsive, and basically ignores me. If I prod him to have some kind of a response, he becomes irritated and immediately becomes involved in other things, such as watching tv or making phone calls. He doesnt hug me when I am upset. He does react to crying, (hard to ignore when I am all worked up) but he asks me why, and then when I tell him, he is as I mentioned above, listless, unresponsive, and ignoring. He never ever reassures me when I am feeling down, crappy, etc. You know how boyfriends hug you and tell you it will be okay? He has NEVER done this. He just leaves me to my own devices and pain.
JackJack Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 yes, pada, it was great advice...I am just so stuck that I am unsure if he even knows he is doing these things. I cant explain how our relationship is, but it just feels weird. When I am angry, or feeling strange, he NEVER asks me whats wrong. If I end up telling him because I cant keep it in, he is listless, unresponsive, and basically ignores me. If I prod him to have some kind of a response, he becomes irritated and immediately becomes involved in other things, such as watching tv or making phone calls. He doesnt hug me when I am upset. He does react to crying, (hard to ignore when I am all worked up) but he asks me why, and then when I tell him, he is as I mentioned above, listless, unresponsive, and ignoring. He never ever reassures me when I am feeling down, crappy, etc. You know how boyfriends hug you and tell you it will be okay? He has NEVER done this. He just leaves me to my own devices and pain. Hun, he DOES NOT care for you. I'm not trying to be mean or ugly by no means, but I'm not sure what it is you are not getting. He doesn't care about you, or your needs/feelings anything. He doesn't even care about himself really. If he did chances are he wouldn't treat you the way he is. You CAN NOT change him. He has to want to. You can poke and prod him all you want and drive your self crazy trying to make sense of why he is the way he is or why he is acting like this to you. Its already been told why. You have 2 choices here, you either accept the fact he is the way he is and continue to live like this(which to me is not a good) or you get out of the situation. JMO.
basscatcher Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 padameckla, Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I dont think he is abusive, I just think he doesnt care. At all. About my opinions, feelings or me. Its like I live with a ghost. Or maybe, I am the ghost. I feel like I am there, but not really, if that makes sense...does it? He wants a relationship, and with me, but only if it doesnt interefere with him?? I guess? Does he know what he is doing?? Sweetie, you are lying to yourself.. Everything you just said in this post is BS.. You are living in denial... HE is abusing you.... Your instincts are telling you this but you refuse to believe them. You are feeling like crap. You are upset. You are angry. You are hurt. You are feeling lonely. You feel like he doesnt care. I can go through all of your posts and highlight all the obvious signs of abuse in ALL of your words.. You are making excuses for him because I haven't said anything good about him.. You want to believe in this illusion of him so badly you lie to yourself and everyone else.. The classic abused person will cover up and make excuses for the abuser. They will boast and brag about how good he is when he does this or that etc etc.. You apparently havent had enough yet.. I wonder how much more neglect and lack of love will you take. Yes, abusers can be sweet, kind, affection, they can be good listeners and sympathetic, they can treat you like a goddess but as soon as they become unhappy or stressed out you are their target... Its you they take their frustrations out on with name calling, pshing shoving, neglect, he will talk rudely towards you, not want to do fun things with you, he will tell you to shut up, he wont understand your feelings. you will feel like he doesn't care about what you think , feel or need. I know you recognize some of these traits but you will deny them, make excuses for them.. Look at your own words... read them as if you were reading what someone else was saying. Then think to yourself--what would I tell her.
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 yes, pada, it was great advice...I am just so stuck that I am unsure if he even knows he is doing these things. I cant explain how our relationship is, but it just feels weird. When I am angry, or feeling strange, he NEVER asks me whats wrong. If I end up telling him because I cant keep it in, he is listless, unresponsive, and basically ignores me. If I prod him to have some kind of a response, he becomes irritated and immediately becomes involved in other things, such as watching tv or making phone calls. He doesnt hug me when I am upset. He does react to crying, (hard to ignore when I am all worked up) but he asks me why, and then when I tell him, he is as I mentioned above, listless, unresponsive, and ignoring. He never ever reassures me when I am feeling down, crappy, etc. You know how boyfriends hug you and tell you it will be okay? He has NEVER done this. He just leaves me to my own devices and pain. Why do you feel the need to understand his inexcuseable behavior? Why don't you just leave? He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. Some things are worth sacrificing for, are worth giving up everything for. That includes your own sanity.
basscatcher Posted July 13, 2006 Posted July 13, 2006 You really need to educate yourself on what abuse is and look at yourself and recognize the signs you are displaying.. Emotional and verbal abuse is not to be tolerated, and yet thousands of women and men all over the world do just that - tolerate emotional and verbal abuse. Why do they do this? you may want to know. There are many reasons why people tolerate emotional and verbal abuse. Often in such a situation there are children involved, so the one being emotionally or verbally abused will stay in the situation thinking they are doing what is right for the child or children. This is a misguided thought, but there is nothing anyone can do about it, until the person being abused asks for help or opts to get out of the emotionally and verbally abusive situation themselves. You can not help those who are not ready to be helped. However if you see signs of such a thing, you can always try to quietly have a word and tell the person you are concerned about the signs you do see. They can then have the choice to talk about the signs you are talking of or simply laugh you off. If they laugh you off, they are obviously not ready to talk about the signs you see of emotional and verbal abuse. Emotional and Verbal Abuse: Emotional abuse is when a person, man or woman uses the power of speech and verbalizes put downs and degrading comments to another. If a person is put down enough, told they are ugly, told they are useless repeatedly, that person will start to believe it. There is a saying I have heard: "if you are told or hear something often enough, you will begin to believe it". This is a classic example of emotional and verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is the constant bantering and ranting of untruths and horrible things to another. The verbal abuse then leads to emotional abuse, as the verbal abuse will begin to set the emotional side of the abused on edge. What the verbal abuser is saying when he or she is verbally abusing another will affect how the abused then feels about themselves and they can more often than not get to the point of having very low self esteem, feeling like they can not do anything right and that basically they are useless and more often than not, a waste of space. If the emotional abuse is very serious, the emotional abuse can escalate and become very dangerous to the abused at times. The abused and the abuse?s friend will have to learn how to recognize signs of emotional and verbal abuse. Below I have covered varying signs of emotional and verbal abuse for you to read and take note on. You just may recognize some of these signs in your own life or that of one of your friends. Signs of Emotional Abuse: There are a few signs that you can see from 'looking in' that there could be some form of emotional or/and verbal abuse going on within a house or a relationship. Often a sign of emotional abuse is the abused becoming reserved, or in other words, the abused shutting themselves off from others. Another sign to look for or be aware of is the abused not taking a great deal of pride in themselves. An abused person will often feel there is no point and get to the stage of 'giving up'. And more signs to pick up on are: A person that is constantly on edge or appears to be 'trying' to hard to please a particular person can also be seen as a sign of emotional abuse. Often another sign of emotional abuse is seeing little of the abused. Have you ever asked your friend or a family member out, to have them constantly turn you down, coming up with some excuse as to why they cannot manage to go out with you, even just round to your house for a cup of coffee. This is a very good sign of emotional abuse. An abused person will often want to always be at home and not want to go out, nor want to have visitors. They will do all they can to have what needs to be done around the house done and quite often appear to be doing too much. Another sure sign of emotional abuse is the way the abused acts around the abuser. Watch for strained body language. An emotionally abused person will often seem upset as well, and throw out comments without realizing it about how useless they are. This is a sign of emotional abuse. A very common sign of emotional abuse is when you do manage to get your friend or family member out, the abuser is constantly checking up on the abused, to see when they will be home. This is a form of intimidation and will often cause the abused to head for home immediately. Some signs of telling whether you yourself are being emotionally abused are: Feeling like you are the unbalanced one, therefore you are the cause of the way you are being treated. Emotionally numb - like you just don't care anymore You always feel like you are over reacting to your abusers words and actions You no longer have the feelings you have for the abuser These are just few signs of emotional and verbal abuse. If you feel you know someone who shows these signs, or you yourself recognize some of these signs in your own situation, I suggest you find someone close to you that you can confide and place your trust in to, explain to them the signs you see, and try to get out of such a situation.
Author strangeway Posted July 13, 2006 Author Posted July 13, 2006 I cant explain it very well. But I see other couples and they are warm with each other. Little things, touching each other, interacting, investing....its all missing from us. It is like he is an emotionless robot. Yesterday, prior to the letter reading, he put it off (reading the letter) as much as he could...but then he couldnt anymore, and he knew it.. He finally consented to it, but I had a fear he wouldnt really read it, and so I turned the tv off so it wouldnt be a distraction. Instead of reading the letter, he fought with me about turning on the TV,so much so that it actually turned into a real struggle over the remote, it turned into a 15 minute struggle, with him becoming madder and madder about the fact that I turned the tv off..(nothing important was on at all, in fact, it was something I was watching, a movie that had 15 minutes left that he had no idea whatsoever what was going on, wasnt even into it) but still fought about it.....then finally read the letter, put it down and turned the tv on. While I was asking him what he thought, he actually started to fall asleep! You want to believe in this illusion of him so badly you lie to yourself and everyone else.. The classic abused person will cover up and make excuses for the abuser. They will boast and brag about how good he is when he does this or that etc etc.. There was a time when I did brag. I dont anymore. I never talk about him anymore because I dont know what to say. So I dont say anything. If someone says something bad about him, I ignore it, because chances are, I agree with it. Yes, abusers can be sweet, kind, affection, they can be good listeners and sympathetic, they can treat you like a goddess But he is not even that much, pada....thats my point! he is not ever sweet or kind or affectionate, or good listeners or sympathetic. It is like I barely register on his radar! There is absolutely NO RESPONSE from him....he is like a robot.....or the tin man, without a heart. He is not cruel, he doesnt actively seek in harming me, he doesnt have a response, period unless I provoke him to one. And it is an awful lot of effort to even provoke him to one, so I dont try so much now. When we fight, and its hard for him to ignore, he will respond. And that is where the namecalling, threats and pushing come into play. Basically, he like a tree branch that doesnt sway at all unless there is a hurricane.
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