I thought I was happily married until I met a MM whom I am totally intrigued by.

June 21, 2006

I am so glad I found this forum, otherwise I would not know how to get a truthful opinion over my dilema.

I thought I had been happily married for almost 11 years. My husband has been wonderful in every sense. We have two sons we both adore. I have not had any major disagreements with my husband nor do I harbor any sort of resentment towards him. I can't think of anything that could possibly justify what I am actually considering, which is an affair.

I have to let you know, that this MM I am considering an affair with, doesn't even know I would be willing to go that far. As a matter of fact I don't know if he would also go as far as having an affair. What I do know is that their is strong chemistry between us. We both have our children at the same school, and I run into him on a daily basis. We talk to each other almost everyday as we pick up and walk our children back to our cars. There are many opportunities to run into each other , through our children, they are all in the same sports and activities. It seems like we both look forward to our after school meetings. There have been times when we both have gazed into each others eyes just a bit too long. At times I have felt he would like more, but like me I think he knows this could lead to a world of hurt for both sides. There has not been any verbal aknowledgement on either side re: our attraction towards each other. Would this be considered an EA? To make matters worse my husband and MM seem to get along just great. MM has even invited us over for BBQ at his home with his wife and kids. We have not done so yet, because I've sort of come up with excuses. I guess it's the guilt I feel.

Despite knowing all the hurt and damage I could potentially cause. I still desire this MM. What has gotten into me? Could I possibly have problems in my marriage I have ignored, or is it normal to have feelings for another man, but just not act on it. I don't mean to sound so simple minded, but these feelings and desires towards this MM are so confusing.

I would appreciate some honest and direct input from any of you.

June 21, 2006

Despite knowing all the damage it will cause, you still desire your McDonald's fix.

Except in this case, it's your family who'll be damaged by your self-indulgence.

It's considered, sadly, an archaic concept, but love involves sacrifice sometimes. Sometimes you give up what YOU want for the sake of someone else because you love that person. In this case, it means giving up some other woman's husband for the sake of your own family.

Do you love them enough? Or do you love you more?

Crushes are natural. Getting horny for different people is natural. Neither means you are 'meant to be' with the object of your desire of the moment. It passes. It's biological and therefore ephemeral. No point whatsoever in tossing away your family for the sake of it. And it will happen again. Know it for what it is and don't be fooled into ruining your life over it.

June 21, 2006

You are standing on Crush Cliff, looking out over scenic Affair Canyon, wondering about that nice green grass there on the other side, thinking how nice it would be to jump. Know this: once you jump, there is no going back, there is no more "the way things used to be".... gravity only pulls you in one direction.

I like to say that you can't always control your feelings, but you'd darn well better control your behavior. If you were my wife, I believe I would forgive your having a crush - and frankly, I don't know that I would even expect or want you to share them with me (kind of a don't ask, don't tell situation) - but if you take any action to move forward from this point, to reveal anything about these feelings to Mr. School Dad, or even innocuously allow things to move forward through feigned inaction on your part, then I would feel like you had made a decision to cross the line. Instead, I would expect you at this point to take some affirmative steps to back off and get your self and your emotions back into a safe zone. Incidentally, while I was married, I firmly held myself to this exact same standard, otherwise I wouldn't allow myself to expect it of my partner. (Ah, hell, she didn't end up living up to it anyway...)

Something for you to think about... I notice in your post, you didn't comment on divorcing your husband. That might sound like a stark and surprising phrase for me to throw at you, but let me repeat it. Tell me what you think of the idea of divorcing your husband. Because let me be direct with you (oh, like I have been avoiding that thus far? ) you need to consider that divorce is a pretty likely outcome of an affair. I mean, I would love to convince you to get back to a place where you could reject this affair as a silly, inappropriate idea just on its face, but assuming that might fail at the moment, let's work on the long view here.

Start with having an affair with Mr. School Dad, and work forward. What is your vision for the future, given the affair as a, well, a "jumping off" point, to continue that metaphor. What happens next?

It either gets discovered or it doesn't, but in a sense it doesn't really matter in the long run, because either way, it will be a cancer on your marriage. There will be no going back, so you might as well consider your marriage crumbled. Maybe the facade will still be up for everyone to look at, but the structure, the framework will be rotted out. Even if it isn't discovered and you stay in the marriage, you will carry this cancerous burden within you, and don't think it won't affect how you relate to your husband and your family for the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life, your husband's life, and your kids' lives. And if he doesn't know about it, he will wonder, and fret, and probably eventually ask himself in agony, "what ever happened to..."

And frankly, don't fool yourself here, because the chances of it NOT being discovered are really pretty small anyway. Spend some time poking around here on the infidelity board on LS, and read about how dispossessed spouses seem to start getting "a feeling" and are eventually, through their inexplicable agony, driven to start poking around. Bottom line: you better start out figuring that it will eventually unravel.

So, whether it gets discovered or not, you will wind up with a trashed marriage as a result of your decision. Yes, your decision - you need to understand, I'm not going to accept "Oh, it just happened..." as a reason, and believe me, neither will your husband. If it happens, it will be because you make it happen. Please have some respect for your husband's dignity and your own and commit right now to owning this decision, whichever way you decide to go.

And that's why I suggest you consider how a divorce will affect you and your family, because I give it pretty good odds that that's where you'll end up in a year or 2 years or 5 years.

So then what? Is he going to leave his wife and break up his family to be with you? And will you still live there in the same town, and take your kids to school, and deal with trading off the kids with your ex-husband (try that - say it out loud to yourself right now: "my ex-husband") and running into Mr School Dad's ex-wife on the days that she brings the kids to school?

I can go on and on. My point is, it is easy to get caught up in looking at that grass there on the other side (this chemistry of attraction that you feel), and not thinking through all the consequences of what you are considering here. We do our best to teach our kids to consider the consequences of the choices and decisions they make. You need to run this scenario a little further out and consider the consequences, too.

Now, November-Rain, I am wailing on you here, and if you are still listening to me with an open mind, then you have my respect. And in fact, you have a good deal of my respect already, because I think you are still standing in a place from which you can retreat to safety. And I think you are being relatively honest with yourself, and I will suggest you continue to be brutally honest with yourself, and I think that will be a trait that will serve you well. Because I think when a spouse gets into an affair and says "oh, I don't know why, it just happened", it "just happens' because they lie first and most dangerously to themselves, about their motives, their feelings, and their decisions, and in doing so, they give up responsibilty for their actions.

Imagine an affair and its miserable aftermath - it will be miserable. Imagine the energy you would have to invest to heal from that, to heal yourself and your family. Now imagine no affair, but taking even a part of that energy, willingly and lovingly applied within your family and your marriage. Why not commit to that? Trust me: in the end, the affair is just getting laid and hurting everyone. Doesn't it kind of pale in comparison?

You said:

I thought I had been happily married...

I believe you still probably are - you haven't said anything negative about your marriage. If you decide you really don't want this marriage any more, then get out of it and then go persue something else (although I won't have a lot of respect for you if you persue a married man...) But take a look at the big picture here. Are you really ready to give up "all this" for "that"?

Well, you did ask for "honest and direct input." I think you still have a chance to get it right, and usually I rant and rave the hardest at people who are on the precipice, and who I believe still have a chance to take a step back and avoid what happened in my marriage, to my family, and to my two kids. I wish my wife had stepped back from the cliff. I hope you do. Good luck.

June 21, 2006

I couldn't agree more with Trimmer. I really hate the way that people who come looking for help here on LS get bashed, usually by the BS. But today... I don't know...I am just so sick of reading these posts...

You say your marriage is OK but you want to start an affair with someone. Well, when did everything start to revolve around you and to hell with everyone else?

Again, know this: affairs are marriage suicide. Whatever happens you are will be throwing away something pretty big. Don't kid yourself that there won't be consequences:there will. From personal experience I can tell you it's like a bomb going off. You will have to sit there and watch your husband, your kids, your family and your marriage get ripped apart.

There I've said it. I'll shut up now. Geez.

June 21, 2006

I am in a similar situation to yours. Whatever you do, you'll get hurt in the process. Going to NC is a painful process. Going ahead with the A, however, is perhaps even worse. Many people will go down with you. I have been on LS only a couple of days but it helped me visualize the outcome - what would happen if I went ahead. Unless yours is a unique situation - let's say both your and the MM's spouse would be OK with an "open marriage" scenario - there's no happy ending for you.

Every time this happens to me, it takes me longer to recover. The "feeling" is the strongest drug known to man. Thus the withdrawal symptomes are equally strong. I feel for you.

June 21, 2006

We both have our children at the same school, and I run into him on a daily basis. We talk to each other almost everyday as we pick up and walk our children back to our cars. There are many opportunities to run into each other , through our children, they are all in the same sports and activities.

These might sound to you like great excuses to see each other, but they are every reason NOT to indulge in this affair. It might be fun for a while, but imagine how awful it will be for you to have to see him in the aftermath of a D-day under these same circumstances.

June 21, 2006

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him?

June 21, 2006

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence until you step in that first pile of dogsh*t.

Go ahead, have your affair. Then once the novelty wears off you can either live in guilt or face the possibility of losing your husband, children, home, friends & respect of your family. And then on top of that realize that this other guy really isn't what you think he is and while your husband is more of a man than this guy would ever be.

One thing is to look and even possibily wonder, it's a whole other story when you start taking action. This is the time to stop it now. Stop all contact with this guy. Nothing good will come of it in the end. Be thankful that you have gotten these warnings from the posters on here. Just read a few posts in the infidelty section here and realize the pain you would put your husband through. If you still want to do this then do your husband a favor and divorce him. He deserves better.

June 21, 2006

I don't think you honestly do get just how bad you could f*ck up your life if you do this. You can lose EVERYTHING and by everything I mean EVERYTHING. Your friends may turn on you, your family can disown you, you can be considered the offical new town tramp and have your reputation completely ruined. You can destroy the life you built for the past eleven years. You can lose your house, lose custody of your children, and of course lose the love and respect of the husband whom you so viciously backstabbed as well as his entire family. Then untimately, you can lose the MM that you threw your entire life away for as well because when push comes to shove, the MM will often throw the other woman under the bus and so you can be left with nothing but the fact that you not only destroyed yourself but took numerous people down with you for NOTHING but a stupid crush that you should of left the hell alone.

Show some common decency and restraint. There are other people in the world to consider besides yourself. There are more important things in life that self-gratification and if you don't get that DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND NOW so he can be free of someone who is more concerned with feeling good than the well being of her family.

June 21, 2006

People get crushes and become attracted to others ... It happens. The key is, don't act on it, even if you want to and are curious. You have a good man at home with you and maybe things ARE great in the marriage but you're missing that 'new crush' like feeling that starts at the beginning of relationships...That's what you love about this MM, the feelings he brings out in you. That's not love, it's lust and sexual desire.

You got some good advice by everybody else, so please listen to them.

Live up to your vows. If you feel you can't, then tell your husband that you want out of the marriage because have met another man and want to have sex with him.

Just remember how much you have to lose here...Your whole life that you've built with your husband. A stable and happy home for your kids. Your inlaws, the whole family unit that has been entwined together...Is that worth giving up for some hot sex with a man who is also married?

Think ahead abit...Don't be selfish! Think of your husband and children, the affect it will have on them, let alone this MM's wife and their children.

June 21, 2006

I don't have time to get into a long drawn out response this morning but do me a favor??

Search my posts in regards to people wanting to have an affair. You can read my story as well as the advice I've given to other people in this situation.

The bottom line here is that you will destroy your life. Every person that cheats thinks they won't get caught or is willing to risk everything for this "thing" when its just not worth it. In the end when you do it- and you have any kind of heart at all- it will come back to haunt you and make you feel guilty for years.

I'm remarried now, and happy as a clam- but I can tell you that I still feel guilty for the affair I had in my first marriage- and I probably always will.

Read my posts and heed what I say- trust me.

If my words won't sway you then run over to the OM/OW forum and read some of the heartbreak there.

June 21, 2006

Two words: GROW. UP.

June 21, 2006

Thank you so much for all your honest advice and opinions towards my situation. You all have forced me to look in the mirror and see the ugliness this could turn out to be. I not only would destroy my family and MM's family, but also lose all self respect for myself. I have read other posts as some of you have recommended, and believe me, I do not want to go down that path. I feel I am strong enough to resist temptation from now on, and it's ok to feel attraction towards other men, but not to cross the line and disrespect my husband. I surely would not like it one bit if my husband had written this instead of me. If ever I am tempted again, I will come back and read some of the posts you all have put out there, some of them are so heartbreaking!

June 21, 2006

Think too in terms of your children. Both my parents had affairs when I was a kid, and there is nothing worse than having to hear something like "so-and-so f*cked your mother" and cringing knowing that it was true. In a small community kids know. Kids talk, and they can be merciless. I was so ashamed of my parents acting like horndogs running around on each other. I can't count the times I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and just hide knowing and hearing the rumors said to me and behind their backs. Snide comments by adults (thinking that kids won't pick up on the innuendo, but trust me... they do.) I was as young as sixth grade when I was aware of this stuff and had to put up with it all the way up through high school. You want your kids to go through that?

June 21, 2006

I know what it's like standing at the starting line, thinking that if you go ahead you'll be able to pull it off...no one need ever know...life is short and why miss something that may never come by again. Been there, done that and I all I can say is turn around and walk away from what you're considering.

If you go ahead with it you may even pull it off....maybe no one will ever know. But you will. And part of you will be lost forever, you can never get it back. Part of you dies at that point, even in the midst of all that joy and pleasure in that initial rush. Even if somehow it all works out fine...no one gets hurt, you'll have changed yourself forever. You'll never be the person you once thought you were. Ever again.

Think long and hard about losing something that you can never, ever retrieve.

June 21, 2006

I feel I am strong enough to resist temptation from now on, and it's ok to feel attraction towards other men, but not to cross the line and disrespect my husband.

bingo

I have had many crushes during my marriage, to the point I think about the other woman and get butterflies when I see her.....BUT I would never act on them. I like them just were they are...in my fantasies.

unfortunatly, my wife acted on this "chemistry" and had an affair. I understand now that chemisity does "just happen", but acting on them is a choice. My wife said to me she wished she never would have shook the OM's hand. She wished she would have left the bar the night they were the only 2 left from an after work party.....believe me the aftermath of her actions is still rolling and it will be 2 years July 17th.

stay strong

June 22, 2006

Thank you so much for all your honest advice and opinions towards my situation. You all have forced me to look in the mirror and see the ugliness this could turn out to be. I not only would destroy my family and MM's family, but also lose all self respect for myself. I have read other posts as some of you have recommended, and believe me, I do not want to go down that path. I feel I am strong enough to resist temptation from now on, and it's ok to feel attraction towards other men, but not to cross the line and disrespect my husband. I surely would not like it one bit if my husband had written this instead of me. If ever I am tempted again, I will come back and read some of the posts you all have put out there, some of them are so heartbreaking!

Wow, we actually helped someone?

Good luck to you OP, sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight. Good for you!

June 22, 2006

November-Rain, I wish you the best. Focus that energy into making your marriage even better than it is now.

I'm glad you've opened your eyes! It's rare on LS to actually help someone before they make a big mistake like you were going to make.

Take care.

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I thought I was happily married until I met a MM whom I am totally intrigued by.

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