Recently dumped my ex.

[Guest]

I know I'm a guest here, but I really could use some advice. Here's how the story goes.

 

Me and my (recently) ex-boyfriend have been talking and going out together for 6-7 months. At first, things were going good: he was fairly attentive and we would speak/talk to each other for hours. However I have had some issues with him over the months as well. Sometimes I felt he ignored me, never really acknowledged me as his girlfriend, and wasn't giving his all while we were together. I mean we would IM and talk on the phone, even hang out sometimes, but there was still something missing like he wasn't too serious about me or giving it his all because we were never really public about how we felt for each other (which irked me more and more as time went on). There were times where it seemed like her was interested in and rather would talk to friends over me. We would talk about this sometimes but the issue kept coming back again and again. For the most part, I didn't really tell him how I honestly felt about everything. I blame myself for not communicating my wants and needs of what I want in a relationship more clearly.

 

There were even times where I questioned how much he even cared. Sure he would say things like he finds me attractive or want me to say things that show I care, but never really opened up to me about much. On one occasion, while we IMed each other one IM message ended with "love you", when I replied back asking if he was serious, he later replied that it wasn't he who sent the message but rather an immature friend of his who did so. There were times were I felt things were good and there were times where I felt he lacked consideration for me. Although I was kinda hurt, I mostly just shrugged this off thinking he might not be ready to admit his feelings.

 

This past May, things really took a turn for the worse. I had just found out (from a friend) that a guy friend of mine had liked me. In the past, I have told my bf that other guys have liked me, but assured him that he was the only one I was interested in. So I told my boyfriend of the news and he didn't seem bothered. I had planned on telling my guy-friend that I was currently involved with my BF. My BF then IMed me telling me that he was currently seeing someone else and asked if I mind. I was angry, upon finding this out. Which led into a huge argument on the phone.

 

To be more elaborate about the argument, I told him I thought we were together. He told me that seeing a number of people at the same time was just the norm at college and that he tried to have me as his number 1 love interest but him going elsewhere was all my fault somehow. He later told me, that even if he was seeing someone else, he still wants to continue seeing me but he used the term "friends with benefits". I felt like he wanted to use me as this "girl on the side" or "second fiddle". Even though I was involved with my BF, he said if I planned to see my guy-friend, I would also have to maintain a relationship with him. When I told him about him wanting to use me as "a girl on the side", He responsed telling me he had issues with me as well, such as not spending much time with him or acting funny around him sometimes and that he seeing other people was my fault somehow. I was so angry that I went nearly three weeks without speaking to him. I would IM him and he would IM me, but really I was still too angry to carry on a full-conversation.

 

About two weeks ago, my bf IM me and I called him back. We both talked about plans for the summer. He also asked if I was seeing someone and had already assumed that I had already started dating someone. I don't know if he was trying to keep tabs on me or not. Then the conversation led to me telling him how hurt and angry I was upon him telling me that he was seeing someone else. He responded saying that he was sorry and he never meant to hurt me and just wanted to be honest with me. He said that if I was so bothered with him b/c of what was said during the argument, then why I didn't confront him about it. I then responded that perhaps we were better off as friends for now and that currently I was considering talking to my guy friend. My BF seemed to understand. We both were hurt, but re-assured each other that we still cared for each other and would rather have a friendship together than nothing at all. I told him, perhaps in the future maybe things would be different and we could try again but for now, being just friends was probably best for us.

 

Right now, I do talk to my guy-friend but at this point it's nothing serious. While we seem to have much in common, I don't really think it's me having feelings for him (I'm not to that point as of yet although I do like him and think he's a nice guy), but more so wanting to keep other dating options open. I told him about my ex and the whole breakup, he seems fine with it. I don't want to led him on or make him feel like a rebound, but right now I'm not really interested in a serious relationship. I do just want to take things slow and over time sort out my feelings. I still miss my ex, but right now I really don't know if it's me wanting to stay in that familiar zone or if I still have feelings for him. Perhaps it's a bit of both, since the breakup just recently happened. My ex was my first bf and I never really dated prior to college. I do know I don't want to stay with him if he's seeing someone else and me having to worry about that. I'm still wondering how I'm going to react when I see him in the fall.

 

It been 2 weeks since the breakup and we haven't contacted each other since. The question I have is was I right for breaking it off with him. I don't blame him completely for the break-up, I also blame lack of honest communication between us as well. A part of me feels that I'm giving up too easily, but another part of me feels we're better off apart for a while instead of letting our (particularly my) resentments and anger towards each other continue to grow and tear us down. Also how can I move on and if I'm ready to move on. A part of me thinks (and hopes) sometime in the future we can start over again. I had thought our relationship was exclusive, but I guess it wasn't what I thought it was. My mom felt that we were both better off as friends and that I've made the right decision, so have several others. After all that was posted, what do you think on my situation. Any comments, advice, or whatnot will be greatly appreciated

[LifeinLimbo]

I'm currently going through a breakup, like you,but this isn't my first. I've had a fair amount of dating experience (three serious relationships and a bunch of short, not so serious relationships) so that's what I'm going to be drawing on here. What you've described reminds me of my first serious relationship (it was in my first year of university, like you) and what I learned from it.

 

In my first relationship I still really didn't understand how a relationship worked; as in, I didn't understand what reasonable expectations were on his part or mine. I didn't stand up for myself because I thought that I wasn't being understanding/reasonable. We dated for 9 months and it was horrible. I was completely in love with him and he just liked having me around. Friends and family noticed me change as the relationship went on. I went from being my usual laid back (but stubborn) self to being completely passive (and constantly feeling upset). He walked all over me and I had no self respect.

 

What you've described reminds me of my experience. It sounds as though your bf took advantage of your dating inexperience and made you feel as if you were the one being unreasonable with your expectations. It's rediculous of him to say that you should have known that he was seeing other girls. If that's really how he thinks the world works, and if he had a conscience, he should have made sure that you knew he was seeing other people.

 

You deserve someone who wants to be exclusively with you. If a guy really cares about a girl he tends to want to show her off. Show his friends and the world his "catch." He also wants to impress her. These two things involve going out... into public, not hiding away. The guys that I've dated have made me dinner, taken me out to dinner, met my parents... all that relationship sort of stuff. It's about sharing your life with a person.

 

The guy that you were with doesn't sound like a bf at all. He sounds like a guy who took advantage of the fact that this was your first relationship. He twisted things around to make you feel as if you were the one who was to blame, as if you were the one with expectations that were too high. In my opinnion, your expectations weren't high enough.

[Guest]

I'm currently going through a breakup, like you,but this isn't my first. I've had a fair amount of dating experience (three serious relationships and a bunch of short, not so serious relationships) so that's what I'm going to be drawing on here. What you've described reminds me of my first serious relationship (it was in my first year of university, like you) and what I learned from it.

 

In my first relationship I still really didn't understand how a relationship worked; as in, I didn't understand what reasonable expectations were on his part or mine. I didn't stand up for myself because I thought that I wasn't being understanding/reasonable. We dated for 9 months and it was horrible. I was completely in love with him and he just liked having me around. Friends and family noticed me change as the relationship went on. I went from being my usual laid back (but stubborn) self to being completely passive (and constantly feeling upset). He walked all over me and I had no self respect.

 

What you've described reminds me of my experience. It sounds as though your bf took advantage of your dating inexperience and made you feel as if you were the one being unreasonable with your expectations. It's rediculous of him to say that you should have known that he was seeing other girls. If that's really how he thinks the world works, and if he had a conscience, he should have made sure that you knew he was seeing other people.

 

You deserve someone who wants to be exclusively with you. If a guy really cares about a girl he tends to want to show her off. Show his friends and the world his "catch." He also wants to impress her. These two things involve going out... into public, not hiding away. The guys that I've dated have made me dinner, taken me out to dinner, met my parents... all that relationship sort of stuff. It's about sharing your life with a person.

 

The guy that you were with doesn't sound like a bf at all. He sounds like a guy who took advantage of the fact that this was your first relationship. He twisted things around to make you feel as if you were the one who was to blame, as if you were the one with expectations that were too high. In my opinnion, your expectations weren't high enough.

 

Thanks

 

You're right. While my ex was essentially a nice guy, he was just a crappy boyfriend. While him admitting that he was seeing someone else was just the final nail in the coffin, those other underlying issues were what led me to break off with him. While he did apologize for hurting me, by that moment I felt "too little too late". While I still care about him and hopes he changes his ways, I'm not sure if I care to be with him again. I don't want to go through with that same crap with him again.