eyeswideshut Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 i am living on eggshells. never thought it would come to this. we were the best of friends, but now, it's becoming routine. i ignore him for awhile, he comes back. i'm all nice to him. then i ignore him for awhile, he comes back, i'm all nice to him. when he's here, i have all these hopes, because he's so terribly sweet. but, now i NEED him, and I've never felt that before. If I don't run now, I will be a basket case. I still believe he will leave her. But I need to find the strength to know what I want this relationship to be until then. I tried the "just friends" but then we weren't just friends. I tried the NC, but that was weird because we just ended up missing one another too much. I need to detach in some way, and I don't know how. I know Old Europe has this post and I've read it over and over, but I was just wondering OE, when you said to be an angel and to be patient, were you in complete NC? Or was it just no sex. I already wrote the NC and now it's all down the drain because I saw him again, so if I write another NC email, he won't believe me. I want some ideas on how I can CONTROL this. For instance, when he phones me when his wife will be gone. Do I just not answer? How do I do this like a civilized human being who cares so much for him? I cried all night last night, because I realized how much of a fool I am.
scarletletter Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I'm not Old Europe and I am definately not one that you need to talk to since I am hoplessly addicted to my MM and don't see anything changing any time soon. I can tell you that you sound perfectly normal after reading many of these posts trying to do NC. I haven't done that myself, but I am sure that it must be the hardest thing to do. I can't even imagine. I think that WALKING AWAY could also give you some good advice and support. She has been through hell and is doing so very well.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Hi Scarlett, Thank you for being here for me!!!! I did not intend for only OE to respond, but I do wish she does so that all OW who are in this crazy situation can be slapped around as well. It's worse than being dumped in a real relationship. I don't know why. It just feels like you keep running a marathon and when you get to the finish line it's a freakin brick wall and it hurts like hell. I think I will ignore him for longer, 10 days for real this time, and then write a nice calm email explaining that I am not built for this kind of torture.
scarletletter Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Hi Scarlett, Thank you for being here for me!!!! I did not intend for only OE to respond, but I do wish she does so that all OW who are in this crazy situation can be slapped around as well. It's worse than being dumped in a real relationship. I don't know why. It just feels like you keep running a marathon and when you get to the finish line it's a freakin brick wall and it hurts like hell. I think I will ignore him for longer, 10 days for real this time, and then write a nice calm email explaining that I am not built for this kind of torture. I think that is a good idea if that is what you want. He really should respect your feelings and decision if he truly cares about your well being. I know from just being on this forum that so many women are in so much pain. The men really need to think about someone other than themselves and realize how much they are hurting the ones that they supposedly love.
stillhere Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 OE needs to give me a good slappin! Girl, i give you so much credit. First of all for going NC, and you know you need to stick with it, but i can definetly understand your frustrations. I really think i'm never going to be able to get to the NC part. He would have to be the one to start it. I'm so beyond weak right now, it's not even funny. You have so much strength, and of course you're going to fail, but you are taking it baby steps at a time. That's the key (or at least i think! Hard to say when i don't have the balls to do the same!) It's human nature to want to know how he is feeling about all this and to know if this is torturing him as much as it is you. But like you guys all say, NC is the best way to find out if he's going to leave or going to stay. If he's going to stay, you deserve to get on with your life and be HAPPY.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Ok. We've all heard that NC is the way to do this. For ourselves supposedly. Well. We need to do it, but it's just so hard. My fear was that he was going through so much, and I became the friend who understood everything because we were both getting out of long relationships. Why don't a group of us who've never done NC, or who've never been past day 5 (like me) try our hand at a 10 day NC? I'm at day 1. But it doesn't really count, because my Day 1 would be in like a week, since he only phones once a week. But if we all support one another. And do this, just 10 days, and see what happens at the end of 10 days, we can compare MM's reactions and our own pain and turmoil. So we can all begin Day 1 together, and then do it as a 10 day project together? Believe me, I was much stronger after Day 5 than I was after having mind-blowing sex with him last weekend. We'd only have to go through one weekend. Plan it out, with friends and fill out our schedules so that we're not available to them anyway. I'm buying a game of Monopoly and having friends over sometime this weekend and am really looking forward to that. I already have plans for Friday. Sunday I have a BBQ, (it was postponed due to weather last week) Maybe after 10 days, we'll feel so empowered that we can write a movie script together called: NCOW!! hahahaha and get rich! I want Ashley Judd to play me. :bunny:
OldEurope Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Hi Eyes....(which seem to be well wide open)... As my grandmother used to say, "If you have to ask....You already have your answer...." You know what you must do. You go full NC. That is it. Nada. Nothing. Not only no sex, but no meeting whatsoever, total silence. No answering phones. No "hey, what's up" text messages. No planning a walk around town so that you just might run into him.... The only way you will change your life and bring this situation onto a whole, other, better, advanced (i.e. he files for divorce) level is for you to change--at once--the habits and patterns of your life with regard to him. These habits have kept you spinning uncontrollably in this mental/emotional merry-go-round you are living. Time to jump off. Yes, I was a "patient angel" for some time in my case ...Yes I broke NC twelve zillion times before imposing the big enchilada--the Mother-of-All-NC's. When I went complete Cold Turkey from him, it was because the relationship had built to a point where we could not advance and "grow" anymore as two people in love; where the only "direction" was sidewards or in, like I say above, circular, repetitive patterns; where there was a spat-to-fight going on once a week. But--and this most importantly--I went total NC when I knew that the foundation between was so strong--problems and all--that instinct signaled that it was time, really time, to put things to the ultimate test. No successful OW to W story that I know of--I know three--happened without an ultimatum and a period, often long, of some silence. Mine was three months. Keep this in mind.... Also, when I went total NC I told him, a couple of weeks,then days, prior, that I was going to do so. I announced it as if I were putting an ad in the paper for an apartment rental: just sort of matter-of-fact, no recriminations, no speeches, just "I am going to do this: you will not hear from me, you must decide your life's course of action, and I will be off sailing anyhow". He was not sympathetic, he was desperate, but "intellectually" he knew this course of action was the right one. I think this a proper way to go--in a calm announcement--rather than stomping off or slamming a door. The latter will leave you drained and pining for reconcilation or reassurance; the former sets you on top a bit. It makes you look good, it sets you free. (Notice I say "total NC" because, perhaps like you, earlier NC meant a few days of silence, a telephone call here and there, and then ultimately a meeting. That is not NC. That is whetting the appetite.) With NC you have to go in to Soldier Mode. You simply must. It is a trick, a discipline; it is about calling on reserves you did not think you had. You have to ruled by your Reason, by hard calculation and not your soft-spots; your emotional sympathies. These latter parts of your personality--your accomodation of him, your "bending the rules"--you have shown enough of that. He knows you love him. He has seen your emotional largesse at work for him. Now impress him with your discipline--I assure you, his respect for you will skyrocket... It is not so much about "detachment". You will not detach from a man whom you love, just "like that". It is about training yourselfto act a new way, to think a new way, to control yourself in a new way. It is, as I say, a discipline and it needs routine, daily practice and upkeep. When I went NC, I managed it like someone might manage a disease. Everyday talking myself through a slump, through missing him, easing through it, through the pain by being my own sharpest critic--a kind of mental, private wise-best-friend counseling through it all . PLEASE do not use "substances" (God no), as I have read some OW on here using, which will cover or smother pain, but not heal it authentically. Make your triumph happen the natural way: With a sense of outward focus on life; of self-protection, the ever important Big Picture(and the big picture is the only thing that ever matters) . When I went into NC mode I did not think: Oh, the rest of my life could be completely without him! I thought--"Okay, I will get through this today". Then the next day I'd say the same: "I did that well, now the next day"....and so on. Then it just stuck. I did not want to see him. Soon, you have a pattern of behavior--a new one, to which you have, as I say above, "trained" yourself. This is where you want to get to. If you "slide" back--you only will slide back into the mire. You will have to start all over again. DON'T. Remember why you decided to go NC in the first place. Because you want clarity. And thus, you must live and act in a clear--if brutal--way. Do not worry about missing him. Of course you will! And when you feel that creeping on, identify it, understand why it is happening, and force yourself beyond it. And you will get beyond it. Contacting him is not worth the emotional price that will, as you well know, settle in deeper and more painfully into your system. The ups and downs(or downs and downs!) are a part of the package. They will clear away. Besides, íf you don't have such feelings, then you'd question whether these feelings for him were that strong. So as I said, just manage this as it hits you, will personal calm and personal understanding. Don't feel shock or suprise when your emotional are flying all over the place. It is a catharsis--let it clean out. In my case, to temper missing my then MM I would think about the last-straw incident that really made me think, "Oh enough is enough with this". Its nothing new, a strategy as old as the hills, but an effective one. Reflect upon the frustration of all (not the "bad times" because your mind will race to remember the "good times"--think instead of frustration and exasperation) In my H's case (the "then-MM" !) he was back and forth and back and forth between his sense of guilt, catholicism, a teen-age son, 25 years of marriage...I mean, heavy-duty serious things, for which he went to a psycho-therapist to deal with. So you can imagine that for me going NC was killer because I wanted to "be there" and be sympathetic, nurturing and not to "abadnon" someone going through such a process. But then , "one day" , knowing that I had spent a good year as a nurturer, and then seeing my life too much at risk through the indecisiveness of this person, and after what I knew--and what he knew--was a "reasonable" (let's call it) amount of time together...I simply said: "I love you. But I will not do this anymore". I wrote in my original thread that I then went sailiing. I am a big believer that in a post "break up" situation you add some new talent or refine an old one, to give your life a sense of momentum, of action. It is exceedingly important , in my experience, that this forward-motion view of life never, ever hit a point of inertia. Not for anyone, not for anything. Anyway, it was like that, my last and (successful) NC: Calm, reassuring, confident (I had done all I could to that point, proved all I could)....Most of all, my actions were Clear. This is the key: If you want a clear answer from him, you yourself must act in a consistent, clear manner. Then watch how his actions will mirror yours. If you yo-yo, then so will he. Newton's Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction! Yes, Nature is wild, folks!: If you go NC, you have a better chance of a total relationship with him. Plain and "simple". NC, bastard devil hell-child that it is, is a win-win situation. If your MM wants to, dreams of, intends to, be with you, it will force him into action, and you will have learned this in an "authentic" manner(i.e. he really means what he says). If not, then you have handled the situation with total dignity, and after a while you will be far away from the situation and in a new pattern of thinking and behaving and will be ultimately able to, yes, detach from him totally. Get thee to Aix, Eyes! Get your provencal air, clean your system out a bit. Committ to NC, and then live that committment. It is your only way out of this. Your only way. Love, OE
bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Good Lord, OE. What profound words....I sware you have just lifted me over a major NC hump...I'm on day 5 ... he hasnt even tried to contact me. That's unsettling but I still have my dignity and that is so empowering!!!! Wow! I stand in awe...bravo, well said and thanks Eyes for calling upon the expert. Thank God for this forum! PS I'm printing this out and keeping it in my pocket.
stillafool Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 OE you have helped me so much girl! 20 years ago when I walked away from the MM man I have just reacquainted myself with and need to get over it, I did that exact same thing. I did leave with my dignity and my head up. I forgave him for hurting me and wished them luck and truly meant it. It's funny how that a lone will put you far ahead on the road to recovery. I forgot all those things and will use them to get over him again this time. Thank You! Great post!!!
Bad_Monkey25 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Sounds to me alot like quitting smoking....and I am on day 30 of that...on to the next bad habit! Man, OE, you really are inspiring!
movinon05 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 For all the newbies who have been awed by Old Europe, I direct you to her original post. You ain't seen nothin', til you've read that!! It never gets old! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/
Bad_Monkey25 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 For all the newbies who have been awed by Old Europe, I direct you to her original post. You ain't seen nothin', til you've read that!! It never gets old! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/ Yup, just read it before I read this post...
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 :love: Here to help, y'all.... OE And if you don't mind me saying so, you are doing a fantastic job! I have read your post about 4 times this afternoon. I agree with every single word you say. A lot of it is hard to digest, at least initially when you struggle with the whole thing, but it doesn't make it less true. I had come to more or less the same conclusions, but I have never been able to put it down into words like you have. I have not yet come as far down the road as you have, OE, but I will get there. My story is going to have a happy ending; I am either going to go on as MM's official girlfriend (or even W eventually!) OR I am going to move on with my life without him. Either way, it will be a massive improvement on life as an OW. And it could NOT be achieved without "hard line NC"... You are a true inspiration!
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 If anyone asks who my guru is, I'll just say Old Europe. hahahaa It'll be code for LS members. We'll recognize one another on the streets and speak of Old Europe for years to come!!! thank you so much. Girls, so much for Day 2 NC. Once again, I saw him on the street in a cafe. I was truly busy, so i gave him two pecks on each cheek, and then ran off. It was even a tad bit impolite, like he was in my way or something. I just have got to make a detour from now on. This cafe is on my way to and from work and to and from the subway, and on my way to the library and even my jogging route. So avoiding it will truly be a detour. BUt I must. He's not stalking me, his friend lives right upstairs from the cafe. Now. I just woke up, I came home from work and went straight to bed. All that craziness in my head is making me so tired physically. Yes, i need to clean out my system. you know what I realized when I was reading your post OE? I'm not the person I became since the MM. I am NOT that person!!! I am usually so busy, strong, happy-go-lucky, lover of life. I became a girl who... worries about how to get the guy. spends time in the self-help section of the bookstore makes waxing her priority in life WTF?!?!?! And keeping stuff in?!?!?! Trying to be a true Bitch like in Why men love Bitches or a Rules Girl? I NEVER used to keep stuff in. I became this uber-perfect chick, and a superhuman being who never gets angry and who carries the weight of HIS world on MY shoulders. That is not who I am. I am getting back to my old self really soon. I'm doing total NC bootcamp (as soon as I see him) and then i am doing everything I was meant to do in this lifetime. In the name of Old Europe myself and the Holy LS A(anythingbutmarried)men!!!
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 OE, and anyone else, When you did go into the MOTHER of NC... Did you tell him face to face? Did you phone him? Should I wait until he calls me, and then invite him here and then tell him? Like I said, he will most probably phone me in about a week, I want this done ASAP. and after that, did he try to write back, phone you in any way?? I just need to prepare myself mentally and do this the right way. I will definitely keep posting and let you know how I'm doing here. I will need all your stories and support. OE, did you come back to LS for support, or did you find this site after? Thanks again OE, for taking the time and for that thorough, and very thoughtful thread. :)
OldEurope Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Hi EWS... I am glad--very happy, in fact--that you realized that you were "losing yourself" , the woman you once were, the woman who has and will continue to captivate hearts the world over.....Time to "hold on" to her and never, ever let her slip from your grip. This is your personal wake up call to total NC. In my case, I knew H (ex MM) for 8 months as a colleague/friend before "anything" happened (the "A", which we never referred to as an "A"--too sexual sounding and ours was far from being "based" on sex). Once the "A" started, I saw him regularly, daily for about a year. Three months in I told him that this has to be an all or nothing situation, that I would not settle for the "mistress" role. Nine months in I tried NC, but it was always broken, usually by him, occasionally by me. I will say that our relationship happened to advance during those "broken NC" times--challenges, stress have a way of deepening a relationship by putting its resiliency to the test. That is why I do not berate the gals on here who break NC "early" on. However, then came the "Mother of all NCs", as I call it---at about the 13th month point after we started our "A" (and about two years since knowing him) . Over the course of two weeks--it was a May-- I told him that this "D Day" would come. Too many fights were piling up--but more to the point, it was simply "time". I knew this day would come, had to come. Then, about three days prior to total NC I said, in response to his resistance to do NC, that it was "the best possible thing to do" for both of us. One day prior, on a Thursday evening, he saw me having tea in my favorite hotel lobby, but not a place where he would automatically assume to find me, and he stayed a bit and we talked. When we parted, I very calmly said that I would not be seeing him again--or taking any of his calls--until he decided his life's course. We hugged. Three months would pass of SILENCE-- until he told me he was filing for divorce. I remember being most proud of remaining calm in my "annoucement". No long winded speeches, no threats of jealousy ("And I intend to find someone else!"). Just dignified, but also melancholic, honest. He did try to contact me during the months thereafter. I took no calls, no text messages (he does not "email"--we hate it). I'd look at the phone with sadness, almost insurmountable temptation, as his number came flashing up, and I'd say to myself "But you can't do this. You just can't answer". And the urge would pass. I found this site during that time. I did not write threads or respond to anything until my situation came into the clear. I did not see during my "waiting game" what I could contribute other than what was being said. However, I did find that too many women here demonstrated dangerously low self esteem; that that would be their downfall (not just in OW matters but life in general). When my personal life took its glorious, unexpected (but somewhere along the line "expected") turn, then I thought--I can add something to these discussions. I float by here on occasion now as a matter of..sisterhood! Back to more pertinent matters..YOU......When it comes to accidental meetings, one thing I would not do if I were you is to give off any whiff, any scent of being angry, pissed off, resentful,etc. The casual "peck" on the cheek, the distanced conversation, the running off... This could come across as immature. You are two people with very deep feelings for each other, and that has to be treated with respect and maturity no matter what. Any kind of la-de-da attitude will, in its strange way, only make you seem, at the bottom of it all, really hurt. He is no fool. Let him come to you before you state your case. Otherwise, stay silent. To call him and to invite him over to then say, "This is it", is a bit too staged somehow. And so when he calls you, or if you do run into him again, that is the time to tell him, absolutely. Just be beautiful(in all senses), compassionate, and straight with him. No "theater", fanfare, explanations. You know what to say: that you truly love him, that you have long dreamt of a future with him, but that you will now proceed to cut off ALL contact with him--both initiated and/or returned calls, meetings, etc--until he is totally free to have a full relationship with you. All or nothing. 100% or zip. No "friendships", no cute little "breaks" from NC, no "going wobbly" ....you know the rest of it. If he texts/emails you, you can write back and say, solemly, "X, is there a good time we could meet this afternoon? I do need to speak with you, very briefly". Note the "very briefly"--he here knows that he won't get an hour long rant/plea... I, however, would not initiate such a text/email, for the reason I stated above. Let him come to you; keep that ol' upper hand a bit on your side for such things. And once you do this...It has to be airtight. Turn off the valve. No drips or drops, leakages...Nada. And with that, you turn on your Ferragamo heel, quietly clench your fists, grind your teeth a little, heave a small sigh....and walk--straight posture!--into the sun and you stay, figuratively speaking, in the sun. Real NC is very tough. There is no easy way through, but you just must get through it and you will, one day at a time, with a clear focus, and a sense of upward aspiration, the improvement of your life. Again, be forewarned: a step "back" is a fall back to ground zero. That has to stop. And when you are in that bookstore, walk past the Self-help this time, and go for some work of genius you've always wanted to read, or read up on some hobby/sport/interest that has always intrigued you. This is the great part about "upheaval"--it clears out space to change your life for the better. EVERYTHING that the posters on this forum feel/have felt I have gone through so I am completely sympathetic. Do write or PM when and where necessary. OE
yesmaybe Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 WOW...Old Europe, what a series of great posts. Thank you.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 OE, you should have your own talk show on the telly!! Ferragamo...quite the heel to turn on right? I am so thankful, this has been the clearest, and most uplifting response ever! Do you know how many women you are affecting in this world? You are truly the Mother Theresa of OW!! I am so happy about the "meeting him accidentally" bit. while i was in a total rush, I was a bit rude about it, but maybe he didn't notice, because me "being rude" is like a normal person being extremely polite. Anyhow, yes, apart from that he'd only gotten my love and strength and support, little does he know I now have insomnia, addiction to LS, and an eternally furrowed brow. I feel as though life put him in my path to learn about "how rejection" feels. Because I couldn't understand why my ex of 8 years wouldn't let go, and just be friends with me after I had broken up with him. How I acted with my ex, trying too hard to not see him hurt by constantly calling and making plans, is exactly what my (now exMM) is doing that is driving me nuts. now I am in NC with my ex, and I still cry over him much more than I cry over my exMM. I took out a bunch of books at the library last weekend, and now I must read those for breakfast, rather than reading post after post on LS. In my rage, i learnt Variation 1 of Bach's Goldberg variations. I'm now on Variation 8. There is a beautiful life outside of this muck. And I really do miss the life I had before I was knee deep into this situation. Thank you ever so much, now on to more positive things, eyes wide open
UnknowingOW Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 My story is somewhat similar. We have been friends for 5-years. His 36-year marriage and contemplation of leaving for many years, legal counsel started but never finished. Finances and the huge loss of pensions, incomes, etc... adult child fighting to keep her parents together, moving in and out of the martial home many times. Currently he hasn't been back to their home in 7-months. Our relationship started at time when he was moving forward with his divorce. They had been separated for years at that point. Although, and this is the big although, he never told me he was married at the time. Actually, he never told me. I found out though reserach after something in my heart told me my world was off-center. I have been divorced for many years...he knew I was single when we met. I would never had been with him had I known the truth. It's not who I am. I was the BS and left...that's why I divorced. Anyway, when I told him of my research and my discovery he stated he never meant to hurt me. Our relationship wasn't based on sex. Sex didn't occur until many years later. We had dated awhile when we lived in the same city, and again, I never knew he was married. I moved out-of-state, and months later he broke up with me citing age as the reason...15-year difference. This had always bothered him and still does. His daughter is 6-years younger then I am. Here we are years later. Finally stepping over the line from friendship to love, and to phyical intimacy, and I learn the truth. I was ill. He is the first man I have truly loved since my divorce. He's recently said to me, I was the one that filled him intellectulally, emotionally, and physically. That he loves me and this is real. I am struggling. I will not be with him again unless there is a divorce...he knows this. He's stated he has to make a decion. But I need to make a decison too. And this is where your words hit me. This is exactly what I have been thinking the last few days since the discovery. 1) His marriage must be in a state of irreversible disrepair regardless of your being in the picture. He has to be already contemplating divorce. The conviction must be taking place outside of you, you are a "catalyst" perhaps, but not the foundation of what is amiss. This is exactly where he is right now. He stated quite clearly. "I found you and though he could break away completely." Mind you i'm not reading into this. Thought is not an action. A few days later he stated, "I'm thinking I need to start again." Meaning he's unclear of what to do regarding to divorce or not. I've told him. He has to do what's best for him. I will not wear blinders in this situation. 2) He does not hide it. My then MM told his wife almost right away when we became intimate, that he was seeing someone and would "not give her up"--yet another warning call to his w that they had serious issues. Her response was to "go do what you want", followed by anger, and so on and so forth. But total refusal to work on anything. At this point I know she does not know of me. I've not asked him whether he will tell her or not. But my intuition tells me he won't. And that's becasue he doesn't want to have his daughter think badly of him. What I do know is, both my MM and his W have been and are at each other throats. 3) I made it clear, he accepted clearly, that our relation, whatever the course of development, would ultimately become a make or break, divorce or no divorce situation. There was never any acceptance on either end that I should be a "mistress" in the sense that this would bumble along without definition. Well into three months I told him he must start to contemplate changing his life I have made it clear I will not be his consort. I haven't given him a timeline to make a decision since this all happend in the last week. 4) You must be a WHOLESALE IMPROVEMENT in his life. You cannot be simply the cute distraction, the sexy babe, the escape from reality, the interesting "other". No, you must represent that not only might the grass be greener on the other side, but that it truly is. He's stated I am not the cutie or babe. I am what makes his life complete. He's basically said to me what you have stateed. 5) You must have the patience of an angel and nerves of steel. Patience I have and nerves of steel comes with age and understanding your situation. 6) You must be a grown up. You must be in control of your emotions. You won't be 100% of the time--I sure was not. But I was 90% of the time. He is not going to leave one ruined emotional state of affairs in his marriage for a chaotic emotional state of affairs in someone new. The onus on the OW is to be super-human, I am sorry. You are in extraordinary circumstances and you must be and act extraordinary. I've only lost my emotions once in front of him during the moment of truth when he called and revealed everything. I cried. He cried. We laughed just trying to break through everything and try to heal. I had forgiven him. I understand why he lied...fear of losing something you love. He's truly a good man. 7) You must be Queen---confidence, cool, being clear of your life's desires and dreams He's always known this about me. He respects that I am my own person making my own choices and living the truth. He has always treated me like a queen. 8) You must be Geisha--accomodating, the listening ear, the gentle side of life I am the Geisha--I listen and am accomodating of his needs and wants emotionally, intellectually, and phyically (although nothing more physically at this time due to him being married...my choice) 9) He must have NO RECORD of other OWs, he should have no flings, one night stands in his married past. There have been no other women, no other flings...nothing. He was completely honest with his personal sexual experiences where women were concerned. 10) He must be uncomfortable with the whole business, as should you. While vixens and husbands having affairs receive little public sympathy (and for the most part, rightly so) , you must have character. You should see him with a certain amount of guilt, discomfort, conscience. You have to see character. It SHOULD be difficult. He is completely uncomfortable in our present situation. As am I...I would never have stepped over the line had I known the truth. We are both feeling utterly guilty that we even love each other. He knows my character as I know his. Both of us hold honor and resepct for others in high regard. 11) Be wary of fast promises. Be wary of actions too quick, I love Yous that spill to early, planning weddings and futures when foundations are not solid--all what your instinct tells you but that sweep past us when we are swept away. Stand firm on this earth. Shoulders back, head up! There have been no fast promises no planning. Still dealing with the reality of the situation. No solid ground. Only statement is the past is the past and the future is what counts. However, there is no future at this time...that I am clear about unless there is a divorce. 12) You must have a brilliant sense of self identity. You must be a person unto yourself. So in those pockets of lonliness, uncertainty, insecurity, you have your brilliant interests to pursue, you relish all what being single can offer--jumping on planes, trains, boats when you want. Starting Russian lessons for the hell of it. Walking your beautiful walk when you go to the Opera with your cape thrown around your shoulder and no snoring husband. NEVER FORGET that Audrey Hepburn in Paris feeling of how great life is and go after it with zeal. That is an order. Honestly, I felt my identity slip when I discovred the truth. It's taken me a week to realize my life goes on with our without him. I'm keeping myself busy..books, gardening, travel, learning French, work. 13) I made noise at 3 months, stated clearly that I needed to see actions on the homefront with regard to possible divorce at 6 months, walked away at 9 months, and from the corner of my distance eye saw, felt and sensed action on his end at 12 months, and almost six months later was proposed to I've not made noise yet. Although as stated, I will not continue the phyiscally side of our relationship. This is so very new to both of us. Neither expected to be where we are right now; it's not in our character, values, and morals. We are both digesting the feelings, motives, actions, wants and needs, pain, guilt, getting into each other souls...it's all so complicated. I have not enacted NC. I know that will I will be doing it. I have to for the both of us. Decisions have to be made. That is my decision...know thy own self-worth. Why is it the women always have to be the strong of the two emotionally in the relationship? 14) When he said to me once, "I don't think I can do this. It is too much upheaval, I have too many doubts. I cannot live without you but this is too much to bear at the moment", I responded: "Phew! Now I am free to take sailing lessons in Scotland!" (see item 12) I don't have this answer yet. 15) I am not so gung ho self confident 24 hours a day. But any over the top anger, "why???" questioning, harping, arguing in past relationships got me the following: a) no where b) no where fast c) unhappy and running round and round in the same place d) all of the above I'm not angered...disappointed yes. I have live with what's happened and so does he. That is punishment enough. 16) The biggie: If he says that he is not "in love" with his wife, but that he "loves her", run far and fast. That "love" bond, however weakened, is a habit for him, and it will be the glue that bonds. He really must be in an over and done with relationship that simply did not work out. I have not asked if he is "in love" or "loves her". I have to ask this becasue it will tell me where I stand with him. Either way, I will know he will never be with me if he loves her. 17) The bigger biggie: When he said to me, "I cannot live without you" I said, "Go and work on your marriage and get back to me". When he went and came back and said, "I cannot live without you" I said, "Go back and work on your marriage and then get back to me". And once again. Ladies, you want to make sure that in the swooning and romantic aching, that there is a REALITY CHECK. If you are strong, and you must be, you must turn over EVERY STONE and live with ALL RISKS that he might just might "work on things" at the end of the day. I told him to do so. And when it was really over, I knew it really was. I've already told him to go back and work on his marriage if he loves her. He's never stated "I cannot live without you" Then again, this all just happened. He's stated he doesn't want to lose me, but what he actually means I do not know. But he knows I will never be with him again as long as he is married. I have so many questions to ask where I stand with him, but I am waiting for things to cool down so I can bring my voice to the table clearly. As for him, this whole situation is at the consuming his thoughts. He's trying to think clearly too. 18) The biggest. Words and actions. Words and actions, at the end of the day. Nuff said. EXACTLY! Thank you. You have helped me more then you will ever know.
Walking away Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I, too, am currently applying the principals of walking away completely. I walked away with grace and dignity and love. My MM and I were at a crossroad in our lives. And neither one of us was willing to budge. He has VERY strong religious convictions and I deserved a love that was worthy of mine. And we both needed clarity and time away from each other. So we parted ways with love. A good way to part I believe. He has decided to stay with his wife for the time being. Perhaps for years...I do not know. But he will always have fond memories of me. I did nothing to make him villify me. I always held my head up high and walked on with class. And he loves me, of this I have no doubt. But, I needed to do what needed to be done. Total and complete NC. And with that NC I have been able to move on. Without him. NC is the absolute best thing I could have done. I am emotionally healthy again. The affair tore away at me as those of us could really understand, I am sure. It is a win/win situation. I won MYSELF back. And that is all that really matters now. It was time to take matters into my own hands and get some control back where it was spinning out of control. Hang on. I've been where you are. Hugs WA
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