Guest Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 So I wrote earlier today telling about how my husband has been involved with a "friend" Well my daughter came home today and was sunburnt so I was not happy...then I find out that while having my daughter he SLEPT in the same bed with this "friend" in front of HER OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! I am so angry I just dont know what to do anymore...I still love him....whats SO wrong with me that he cant LOVE me????? I know I have made mistakes in our marriage but I would NEVER do this to anyone!!!! NEVER!!!! What did I do to deserve this heartache and sadness??? WHY would he INTENTIONALLY hurt me???? WHY would he do this in front of our daughter with another woman when we havent even been out of the house for 2 weeks....how can they just be friends then??? Im devastated to the point where I feel like life will never get any better..I feel like I'm always gonna hurt over this...WHY cant he LOVE me???? What is so wrong with me???? I love him and would do anything for him....but he loves her and wants to be with her....
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You better get a lawyer and find out about child custody. What he did was just wrong and your daughter doesn't need to be exposed to his adult activities. He isn't THINKING at all. If he had been, he would be thinking of his daughters feelings...Obviously he's so caught up in his own fantasy and the OW, he has neglected to think outside the box. He has NO clue what damage he's doing to his own daughter...That makes me really sad. She's still dealing with mommy and daddy not living together, that's hard enough. Please do all you can to make your daughter feel loved and secure. Even let her know that her daddy still loves her. (Be the better person here, as hard as that may be, your daughter needs to know she is NOT the cause of you two splitting up.) And you take care of yourself and your daughter. Right now your selfish husband is so caught up in the OW and living a "fun" life with her so he's not thinking properly or responsibly. I'm sorry to say this, but he has no intention, so it seems to come home and work things out. I know you love him, but HE isn't worth loving. Atleast right now. He isn't respecting you at all, nor your daughter. Seems he's made a choice and his actions are proof of it. Sorry that you're in so much pain.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You probably ought to take photographic evidence of the sunburn, and maybe even call the doctor's office. Even if you only ask the doctor, 'what OTC medicine to use for the sunburn?'.... you're still documenting the incident. I'm sure you're first preference is for things to work out between you and your husband, and maybe they will. Still, better safe than sorry. You need to start putting your case together should it come to divorce. You might want to read a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley, and Not Just Friends by Glass. There are alot of books about marriage and infidelity, but those two would be a good start.
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 How old is your daughter? How far do you want to take this? Your first priority right now needs to be your daughter. Some would say that this is a form of child abuse, for her to see two adults having sex. If you are positive that your daughter witnessed this, call your daughter's pediatrician and explain the situation. Be aware that any doctor may well call a child protective services type organization and it could get really messy. If you know for sure that this happened and you did not report it, you could end up in hot water yourself. This could be a very traumatic event for your child and you should do everything you can to protect her, first and foremost. Depending on her age, consider counseling. Then worry about yourself and your marriage. What do you want to do? It may be early on in the game. I don't recall your first post. How long has this been going on? What are your options, in terms of getting away from him (even if only temporarily)? Do you have money / a job / a place to stay?
Guest Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Ok I think people are a lil confused.. My daughter is 6 years old... she saw him and "OW" laying in bed sleeping together she saw her dad cuddling "OW" the "OW" also had her 2 year old there... I have already left him cause I accused him of having an affair with "OW" but he continued to deny it even though her family was copying email she had sent them tellin them that they were planning on their future together and wanted to be together when he divorced me.... I currently am not working but looking for work...hopefully that will come soon..might help too..for several reasons...1 MONEY 2. occupy my time to get him OFF my mind for 5 damn minutes...
Trimmer Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Chump - careful: she very specifically used the words 'slept in the same bed', and I didn't see anything to imply she thought the child had witnessed anything more (i.e. sex). I still think he's a sleaze, and based on her description, this sounds totally inappropriate, but I would want to be careful to not assume a more extreme situation (i.e. witnessed them having sex) unless we're sure... Anyway, Guest, I hope your mama-bear hormone is kicking in big time here. It may be hard seeing past your feelings of personal betrayal - which are completely well-founded - but I agree with the other posters here that the well-being of your child is a critically important focus initially, both to try to ensure that she doesn't get put in this kind of awkward situation again, as well as reassuring her that she has a safe-harbor - you. It is hard - I know from hard-won experience - to put on a brave, stable face, but there is nothing more important in her life right now than to have a safe, stable anchor, and you have both the sole burden and the incredible blessing that you are that anchor right now. In some ways, this is a good thing, because it gives you a focus outside yourself - this was almost my only survival thread in the early days of my own "situation", but also be careful not to "lean" on her for support. Kids will take on roles that are beyond their years, trying to emotionally support their parents if they think they need it - and it can be tempting to let them - but this just takes away the energy that the kids need for their own development. Do your best to provide stability and her "normal" safe life right now. That's not to say that you should ignore your own needs, though. This is gonna suck, and there's no one simple thing to do or a concise answer for "what do I do next." We'll talk about that more as things go along. This is a time when you will feel very unbalanced, and reachieving balance - in lots of different areas - will be your challenge. Balancing your needs to be angry and grieve and figure out how to heal against your need to put on a brave fac and be a stable parent for your daughter. Balancing your ability to deal with your anger and betrayal about your husband, against being able to deal with him rationally as the parents of your daughter, if he can step up, get it together, and do that honorably. Balancing your desire for the way things were against the ability to create a new vision of your future, because one way or another, things will be different... One last point, and it's a stupid little thing in the bigger picture, but would you consider registering with LS and giving yourself a screen name? It will be easier to follow your thread, and to find and follow your postings, and it will start to create an identity for you among those of us posting here, assuming you want to stick around for a while.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Is this your earlier post, Guest? I think Trimmer has a great point... one among many:) ....but it would be easier to keep your information together if you had a screen-name. This is gonna be long and I apologize I just don't know what to do anymore... OK so 7 years ago I met what I thought was the "perfect" guy, we started dating quickly and I knew he was "the one"...I soon became pregnant and we married when our daughter was nine months old... We both worked for a cellular company at their call center and he was a floor trainer...he met a girl there and had a physical affair with her... he left me for a week said he was gonna stay with a guy he worked with...within 5 days he called and said he wanted to come home to be with me and our daughter...I got up early one day and checked his cell phone and found a message from this other girl saying that she loved him and missed him...I accused him of the affair then...I honestly had no idea until then that anything was going on...he denied it said she was just a friend and that she was going through a rough time with her boyfriend..so I got the "balls" and messaged her telling her to please stop and leave my husband alone...then the real story came out...she told me that it was her that he had stayed with that week and that they had had sex several times in the last few months...she also said that when he told her he was going home it was cause of our daughter not because of me...which he STILL denies that.... so fast forward 4 years we are married I think we are pretty much happy but we do have a few issues...he is working for a new company and meets yet another "friend" I notice that he starts hididng his cellphone...so I start saying stuff about this "friendship"...well a couple months ago I asked him to take me to the doctor one day cause it was a holiday..he said no he had to work and couldnt get the day off (he also told me this IN FRONT of my parents) so I try calling him 16-20 times that day with NO answer from his phone...So I call him at work...they are CLOSED for the holiday...I call his "friend" to see if she knows what he is up to that day knowing that they talk all the time...she too is not home she is out shopping...he mom and I start talking cause we are both curious about how much my husband and her daughter are talking...so the mom calls her daughter and within 10 minutes of her calling....my husband FINALLY returns my call...funny huh...so he tells me he is in town springfield shopping and that he will be home a lil later...(springfield is north of us) well a couple hours go by and Im cooling off and my phone rings...its the girls mom...she asks what kind of vehicle we have and what the plates are on it...so I tell her...she's like that car is parked at a hotel parking lot in Carlinville...(which is south of us) he still swears to this day that they werent together..yet wont tell me where he was...So months go by and we are argueing more and more about things and I keep bringing up this friend telling him I dont trust the friendship that Im not comfortable with it...so a couple weeks ago I get a call out of the blue from the "friends" mom...she has written her mom a letter letting her know that my husband and her have talked about dating and getting together after he divorces me....so she gives me a copy of the letter and I read it and confront him with it...he says he didnt write it and that he has not said he's divorcing me and he has NEVER talked about dating her....I then start to recieve copies of emails this "friend" is sending her family about my husband and her telling them things about how they want to be together and talk about thier future together..so I left.... We had been fighting alot with the first few days I left cause he was mad at me for taking our daughter...so I set up a meeting with him on Sunday...I go up to the house and we have a WONDERFUL talk...he tells me that he still loves me and that if he had any feelings for this "friend" and wanted me out of his life he would tell me..said that if he just wanted me out of his life why wouldnt he lie and say that he did love this "friend" so I would walk out the door and leave him alone...but he said he wasnt gonna do that cause he would be lying to me...So Monday night comes and he drops our daughter back off with me...but forgets her toy..says he's gonna go home and finish watching a movie...it becomes her bedtime and I notice not stuffed animal for her to sleep with..so I go up to the house...he's not home..so I go to a place that I know him and the "friend" meet at often to "talk"...sure enough he is out there...I look in our vehicle to see if the animal is in there..it isnt but his cellphone is and its unlocked...I see a message from her to him stating I love you!!!...I went off tore his shirt off him called him everyname in the book... So this weekend I find out he told her that he does still tell me he loves me but he told her its all a mind game to try and get our daughter...I also found out that she told her aunt that YES she is in love with my husband...I also found out that he is supposedly filing divorce paperwork to get out of our marriage.. I figure he doesnt even want to try and work it out at this point in time...but I still do...and I dont know why..I know that if I do go back..he will just continue with what he has been doing if not with this "friend" he'll find another to do it with...so how do I tell my heart to give up on this man..that he is NEVER gonna be faithful to me...to just let him be...deal with him for our daughter and only for our daughter and move on...heal me and find someone else that WILL love me and treat me the way I should be treated??? You seem to be getting alot of information from OW's family. Why is that? Are they friends of yours? Do you know them? It just seems kind of weird to me. On the one hand, they could be honestly interested in putting an end to the adultery because they think it's wrong. But on the other, I have to wonder if there's some kind of manipulation at work. I dunno, it just seems kind of a betrayal for a mother to call and point you to the motel. How would she know you wouldn't become violent and do something drastic? I still recommend the book titles I mentioned before, but you might also consider getting into IC (individual counseling). You can call your health insurance company to see if you've got benefits and to get a list of preferred providers. It really sounds like you've got a serial cheater on your hands. They don't tend to change readily, despite whatever crocodile tears they show you. Most often they'll hit rock bottom before they seek treatment. So, unless you intend to put up with a continued succession of adulterous relationships for the duration of your marriage.... you'll need to stand your ground now. The support you'll receive in counseling will help you develop the werewithal to do that.
Hurting_4_Him Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 LadyJane14 Yeah Im sure it is confusing that her family and I talk all the time..let me give you a lil back ground...her older brother and I went to school together..her younger brother and my younger brother are VERY good friends that talk often..Her father and my father were childhood friends...heck before my parents started dating my dad dated her aunt and set her parents up...So yea our families are VERY intertwined...her mom feels VERY bad for whats going on...she first off wants her daughter to straighten up her life her daughter the "OW" is currently going through a divorce...she also has been lying to her mom for months about what is going on...her family totally disagrees with what is going on...they have no respect at this point in time for their own daughter/sister or my husband...they feel it is wrong..one of the main things they want is for their daughter/sister to put her life back together and heal from her first marriage falling apart..but she is now in love with my husband...so I dont know that anyone can talk any sense into either of them... Oh and this just happened about an hour ago...so my 6 year old daughter came into me upset...saying Mommy I think Daddy doesnt like me anymore...I asked WHY would you think that??? She said he kept winking at Alliegh all weekend but not at me..(Alliegh is the "OW" child)...I explained to her that her daddy LOVES her and ALWAYS will LOVE her..she said mommy does he love you I simply said that is a question you have to ask your daddy..she said well I dont understand he said to you he loves you but then he holds "OW" hand and hugs her when they sleep in the same bed together... I turned on cartoons for her and went to the bathroom so I could cry..this is hard for me but I cant even IMAGINE how hard this is on our daughter...Im SO upset with my husband right now...and I feel like a fool I just keep hoping that he will see the error or his ways and want to get back together...but Im sure he wont according to the "OW" he has filed some kind of paperwork..and she has been calling divorce attorneys for him...I just dont understand...maybe its the way I was raised..maybe its my catholic morals..IDK..but I dont understand HOW you could just throw someone you "love" aside for another woman..and thats what hurts the most...he told me he was madly in love with me and then my depression and lack of getting help for it took a tole on that love but yes he did still love me...but you treat someone you love this way?? You treat your own flesh and blood daughter this way when she is 6 and doesnt understand..so you think she doesnt understand whats going on at all so you dont care you sleep in the same bed cuddling another woman right after we leave you because I can no longer take this "friendship" or the mind games that surround it???? How can someone be so cruel and heartless????
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Well, that explains why the OW's family is willing to share info with you. One word of warning though.... ultimately, family is still family. When push comes to shove, they'll fall out on her side. Don't trust them with anything you don't want her to know too. ..but I dont understand HOW you could just throw someone you "love" aside for another woman..and thats what hurts the most...he told me he was madly in love with me and then my depression and lack of getting help for it took a tole on that love but yes he did still love me...but you treat someone you love this way?? I know it's hard to wrap your mind around, but it's routine behavior for the WS (wayward spouse). In order to cheat on the person they promised to love forever.... a WS has to do quite a bit of rationalizing and justifying. Try not to get bogged down in the babble. I really do think you'll get alot out of Surviving An Affair. It will help you to develop a strategy that enables you to attempt reconcilliation, while still helping you to prepare for permanent separation if it becomes necessary. You might google the words, "What Are Plan A and Plan B, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. It will give you a brief overview of the method. There's alot of good information over there, so you might want to have a thorough read in the Basic Concepts section, as well as How To Survive Infidelity. Meantime, you need to protect your child. Of all the actions you'll be required to take as a BS (betrayed spouse).... this is the most important. Six year olds ought not be exposed to adultery. They shouldn't have to try to figure out 'why Daddy is taking a nap with that other lady'. That's just wrong. I already mentioned IC to you as something that will make you feel a bit more supported, but you might want to consult with a child psychologist to get some input on how to handle your little girl's questions. (This will also serve to document your concern for her mental health should child custody become an issue.) Make that call to her doctor too, and document the sunburn. If you haven't started one, you might consider a journal where you can collect all the information you gather. Handwrite it in pen, and date every entry. If you need to journal your emotional issues, consider doing it in a separate notebook. You might not want to drag your most private feelings into a courtroom, afterall. If I were you, I'd see an attorney and find out what my options are. You need an order of temporary custody, and you need to establish appropriate visitation for your husband. This should NOT include your daughter being exposed to OW. And believe it or not, you CAN have that mandated by the court at least for the short-term. You also need to secure your finances. The attorney can help you do that. You need to know what you have and where it is, lest your husband decide to empty the accounts or sell property. Also, you need to establish child support so you're able to budget your money. You can find some state-by-state divorce law online. Divorcenet.com is one such cite. But this is NOT as good of an option as seeing an attorney who is local to your area. Doing these things will ususally not affect the outcome as it pertains to reconcilliation. When a WS does return to the marriage, they are generally understanding of why a BS protected and preserved what they could of the family's assets. The ones that do come back are somewhat shocked at their former behavior, and just glad they have a home to come back to when it's all said and done. (Although, that doesn't mean that they don't go off like a ballistic missile once you start poking holes in their affair fantasy. WS's don't appreciate the intrusion of REALITY.)
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 My attorney advised me to photocopy and document everything before confronting him -- tax returns as far back as I could fine, property deeds, car titles, copies of financial statements and investment asset documents, etc. Get a 3-hole binder and organize all of that info before you approach him with any kind of a plan or ultimatim. That way, if he starts emptying bank accounts, etc., you will have documentation, and getting your share back will be easier and faster. Good luck.
Trimmer Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 See - I think you have already shown great strength in what you said to your daughter. On one hand, it seems so obvious, if you really think about what is in a child's best interests, but it's easy for the "adults" to get caught up in the hurt and betrayal and use their relationship with the child as an opportunity to take whacks at the WS: "well, daddy doesn't care about anyone right now", or other kinds of subtle or overt trash talking. Along with her concern about still being loved (which you hear her starting to express explicitly with respect to your husband), she needs to feel unwaveringly certain that she will be taken care of, and it will be extremely unsettling to her to end up in the middle of (or even be exposed to) any expressions of hostility between the adults, so you are doing well to keep that in its proper place... Before my mess happened, my daughter had come up with a simple and eloquent phrase to describe how she and I would always love each other. Now, if we're having a difficulty or she's feeling down or uncertain, either one of us can use that phrase as a kind of a password to break through and bring us back to the the basic truth of our bond. I won't try to tell you that what is happening to you is a "good thing", but I will tell you that I have never felt a closer bond with my children, that I've never felt like a stronger parent than I have felt going through this. As far as your husband, it's impossible to say how things will turn out, but I agree with LJ's suggestion that you start to keep a log to protect your custody interests, in case it turns out to be true that he is playing some kind of mind game to maniuplate the custody situation. It seems unlikely that he would have much of a case, but just in case, do as LJ says, with as much detail as you can discreetly get (without turning your daughter into a detective - don't make her a player in this drama...) Additionally, I urge you to follow the advice to go talk to a lawyer. At a minimum do this to educate yourself, and get an opinion about how the laws in your state might play into any custody/separation/divorce questions. This will be an active step in bolstering your own confidence, too: equip yourself, educate yourself, and you will begin to take positive control of a situation that may seem out of control here at the start. Control over your own situation will bring you strength. You don't have to be a passenger in the trip into your future; be the pilot.
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