Solemn OM Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I met my "MW" a month before she got married in April. I am single, never married. We are young (late 20s, early 20s). Par for the course, it was fireworks from the first glance across the room at a conference where we met. We work for companies that do joint projects, so we were able to easily set up work lunches. We had so much in common that we had to prevent our conversations from taking the entire workday. I had tingles, the "woosh" and every other in-love symptom. However, despite this obvious energy, we did not verbally acknowledge it because she was engaged. At least, not until the day before she got on a plane to get married. She confessed that meeting me "through her entire decision into question." She claimed that she "never met anyone like me before in her life." I called her and we talked for hours. I was so smitten I even considered pulling a scene out of "The Graduate" by flying to her wedding to save her from her obviously-wrong decision. Maybe if I had done that, things would be easier now. Unfortunately, it has only become more complicated. Instead of never speaking again, we met once she returned from her honeymoon. We had an intense conversation and ended it with an incredibly electric hug. We spoke everyday. She told me she made a mistake. She told me that she loves me and not him. She told me that she got caught up in the "momentum" of getting married and that she was following her family's expectations, that she listened to her rational mind not her heart, that she never really thought he was "the one." (which she claims, with fierce determination, that I am -- and for which I have a difficult time disbelieving). We met for more and more lunches, more and more "after-work" meetings, and just a week ago, crossed the line by becoming physical. I knew things were going in this direction because I am entirely in love with this girl. We've talked about spending our lives together... we have a connection unparalleled by any other romantic situation I have ever experienced. I completely understanding the "psychology" behind all this intensity, but the fact that her and I both rationally talk about that "psychology" only adds to our attraction for one another. We both completely understand the risks and the realities. In some ways, it would be better not to see eye-to-eye. But for 1000s of reasons this is wrong. We spent the weekend together and afterward agreed that we needed no contact because the passion is too strong and we'll end up being with each other if we speak. We both agree that she needs to have a complete understanding of why she married this man and take the necessary steps to correct the situation. We know that she needs to spend time with him, not me, to do that. My presence only clouds her judgment. Also, I can't help but put myself in his position and if this situation continues, I would never be able to trust her if the day comes that we have a chance together. Finally, I really don't want to be an "OM" as I deserve something better than this situation. Despite that, the passionate, irrational side of me wants to call her and work at pulling her out of her marriage -- sooner, not later. She is a passionate romantic person, like me, and doing so would only increase her attraction. I am trying NOT to do that and am here for support. Anyone with a similar experience, please share with me your wisdom for getting through it. I would be especially grateful if there are any men or women who have had this thing happen with a VERY recently married person.
babydoll_mimi Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 my situation is entirely different from yours. And you might not want to hear this, but despite what she tells you, having been so 'recently married', would only make the situation easier, at least in my opinion. There's no lengthy marriage to deal with, no children, etc...it could be as easy as a quick annulment if she were to choose so. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, believe me, I know what it's like to be on cloud 9 w/ a married person...I'm just trying to shed some light on the situation. Good luck hon!
Sami_D Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 We both agree that she needs to have a complete understanding of why she married this man and take the necessary steps to correct the situation. We know that she needs to spend time with him, not me, to do that. My presence only clouds her judgment. Also, I can't help but put myself in his position and if this situation continues, I would never be able to trust her if the day comes that we have a chance together. Finally, I really don't want to be an "OM" as I deserve something better than this situation. Yes, that's the rational part. And I'm a very rational person, and I agree totally that this is what you should do. NC and let her work on it. All that stuff about 'the heart'... isn't about love, but about FEAR. You're afraid to lose her, after all those things she's said and how it makes you feel. But... you can ignore those fears. I also agree with babydoll_mimi, this is a very recent M, and IF she's being honest with you, and true to herself, she'll have no trouble getting out of it, family or no family. Would they want her to stay in a M she wasn't happy with? The one thing I'd warn you about... buying into BS. It's amazing how much BS married people can come up with to get you to stay with them, or waiting for them. THAT is because they're SCARED of making a life-changing decision. They COULD do it if they wanted to. So don't wait. Don't wait!!
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I would step away. She's either got to give her M a chance or let it go and let her H go so he can find happiness with someone else. There must have been something wonderful about him that she married him! And it doesn't sound like she's giving him the chance to find all of that out. If she decides to leave, it'd be better to do it sooner than later. She knows where to find you if she does. Only bad can come of this situation for everyone as long as this continues.
yesmaybe Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I would give her an ultimatum - leave the marriage in 3 months, or it's over. Why so harsh? Because, it's obvious that you guys will continue seeing each other no matter what. So, you realistically really only have 2 choices - keep having an affair with a married her, or keep having an affair with a divorced her. Divorced sounds better. No matter what, people will get hurt.
BKRPM Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I agree with yesmaybe. Give her an ultimatum, and see how she reacts. You don't need to be wasting your life, hoping that she will get rid of H. I've spent over two years of my life, getting caught up in the physical with MW (as I am the OM), realizing that I could be happy for the rest of my life with MW, but at the end of the day MW is still married (despite the fact that she says she's working towards a D).
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Why did she marry the other guy in the first place? I agree with everybody else. She right now has two men in her life. So all her needs are being met. What she doesn't get from her husband, she gets from you - And what her husband provides for her is a home, a life, friends, family, inlaws...She is having the best of everything, meanwhile you're alone on holidays, at night etc. You deserve MORE and BETTER. Don't settle for this. Don't be second best. You deserve to be put FIRST and sadly from what I've read, she isn't going to do that for you...Why should she? Things are wonderful for her. Think about that. I know you love her and probably don't want to see the negative sides of this either. She is extremely selfish by keeping you in her life. Tell her it's over and never to see/call/email you. Ask her to respect your wishes. If she wants you, she can call you when the divorce is final - Only then will you start dating her, until then live your life without her and try your best to get over her.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Hi! You sound like a decent guy who got tangled up in a love affair with a MW. I understand what you are going through... and actually, reading your post almost made me want to cry. I am a MW in love with another man, and I know exactly what those 'tingly' feelings are like. I have been in NC with this man for 6 months, but every time I think of him and the little time that we were intimate, I'd get these tingly sensations all over my body. It is so unnerving and so confusing because I am married and I don't want to break my marriage vows because of these feelings. What if these feelings are but products of my fantasies and hope? What if we are completely incompatible once we move in together? What if he is not the person that he's presented himself as once we get together? What if I can't trust him, or he can't trust me because of this? I am sure your woman has all these questions as well. As much as she loves you, she has to give her new husband a chance. Afterall, she's known him much longer than you. She knows him inside-out. But you... what if you are part fantasies, part real? Also, you have to understand that her family has a connection with her husband, and they will be on his side. Any hope of a bond between you and her family will be crushed if you develop an affair while she's still married. The best thing for you to do? 'No contact' with her ever again. It will be very hard, there will be ups and downs, you may feel like shyt on some days, but in the end, the pain will be far less than if you were to pursue her. I've been there. NC has been the best thing for me. By the way, you may never forget her - and the tingly feelings may never cease - but will be able to hold your head up and develop a real relationship with another woman.
zarathustra Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I met my "MW" a month before she got married in April. I am single, never married. We are young (late 20s, early 20s). Par for the course, it was fireworks from the first glance across the room at a conference where we met. We work for companies that do joint projects, so we were able to easily set up work lunches. We had so much in common that we had to prevent our conversations from taking the entire workday. I had tingles, the "woosh" and every other in-love symptom. However, despite this obvious energy, we did not verbally acknowledge it because she was engaged. At least, not until the day before she got on a plane to get married. She confessed that meeting me "through her entire decision into question." She claimed that she "never met anyone like me before in her life." I called her and we talked for hours. I was so smitten I even considered pulling a scene out of "The Graduate" by flying to her wedding to save her from her obviously-wrong decision. Maybe if I had done that, things would be easier now. Unfortunately, it has only become more complicated. Instead of never speaking again, we met once she returned from her honeymoon. We had an intense conversation and ended it with an incredibly electric hug. We spoke everyday. She told me she made a mistake. She told me that she loves me and not him. She told me that she got caught up in the "momentum" of getting married and that she was following her family's expectations, that she listened to her rational mind not her heart, that she never really thought he was "the one." (which she claims, with fierce determination, that I am -- and for which I have a difficult time disbelieving). We met for more and more lunches, more and more "after-work" meetings, and just a week ago, crossed the line by becoming physical. I knew things were going in this direction because I am entirely in love with this girl. We've talked about spending our lives together... we have a connection unparalleled by any other romantic situation I have ever experienced. I completely understanding the "psychology" behind all this intensity, but the fact that her and I both rationally talk about that "psychology" only adds to our attraction for one another. We both completely understand the risks and the realities. In some ways, it would be better not to see eye-to-eye. But for 1000s of reasons this is wrong. We spent the weekend together and afterward agreed that we needed no contact because the passion is too strong and we'll end up being with each other if we speak. We both agree that she needs to have a complete understanding of why she married this man and take the necessary steps to correct the situation. We know that she needs to spend time with him, not me, to do that. My presence only clouds her judgment. Also, I can't help but put myself in his position and if this situation continues, I would never be able to trust her if the day comes that we have a chance together. Finally, I really don't want to be an "OM" as I deserve something better than this situation. Despite that, the passionate, irrational side of me wants to call her and work at pulling her out of her marriage -- sooner, not later. She is a passionate romantic person, like me, and doing so would only increase her attraction. I am trying NOT to do that and am here for support. Anyone with a similar experience, please share with me your wisdom for getting through it. I would be especially grateful if there are any men or women who have had this thing happen with a VERY recently married person. Welcome! You sound like a really level headed guy. You're right. You don't want to be an OM. You do deserve something better. You deserve more than a woman telling you that it is you that she loves and then hours later jumps on a plane, walked down the aisle in front of witnesses and look another man in the eyes and tell him that she will love him, honour him and be faithful to him. You definitely deserve more than that. IMHO, I think that the hardest part about what you are going through is that you have the hope that she will leave this man and this mess she is in. Well, if she had doubts about the man, she could have postponed the marriage. Wouldn't that have been the decent thing to do? Sometimes, I think you just have to step back from the situation and really look at the person and what they have done. I don't think that she did anyone any favours by her actions.
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I agree with Zara. And I think this woman is extremely messed up!! How do you get on a plane to get married, go through all the hoopla and excitement of a marriage, walk down that aisle in a wedding gown, look at the man you "profess" to love, take those vows, party afterwards, go on a honeymoon, come home to start your life, yadda yadda... How do you do that? And then come home and look up a guy you're attracted to! Family expectations or no. Sometimes, I think its almost better when someone dumps someone before or at the altar than go through with something like this. At least it would be taken care of before going through the sham! You have a very confused girl on your hands.
zarathustra Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I agree with Zara. And I think this woman is extremely messed up!! How do you get on a plane to get married, go through all the hoopla and excitement of a marriage, walk down that aisle in a wedding gown, look at the man you "profess" to love, take those vows, party afterwards, go on a honeymoon, come home to start your life, yadda yadda... How do you do that? And then come home and look up a guy you're attracted to! Family expectations or no. Sometimes, I think its almost better when someone dumps someone before or at the altar than go through with something like this. At least it would be taken care of before going through the sham! You have a very confused girl on your hands. and you know, I've said many times before... just because someone is screwed in the head doesn't mean that they have the right to come in to my life and screw with mine. My xMM is f***ed up... now he tells me he has issues. When he's pursuing me, why didn't he tell me that? Oh yeah, who the f*** would hang out with someone who doesn't know his elbow from his ass and eats s*** for brains? He played me really good. I almost lost everything for him too. Solemn, she's not worth it. I hope you won't be angry at me for saying it, by you do deserve a lot more than to be screwed around with.
scarletletter Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 It really does suck to want someone that you cannot have. I know that for a fact. However, I think she is using clouded judgement because you are there for her. I realize that you want her to be free and be with you...but do you want her to make yet another bad decision that will be regretted later. My advice to you is to stay away from her for a while. Don't contact her at all. If in a few months, she still feels the same and you do also, then maybe it was meant to be. There is no way that she can make a decision with you in her life in her new marriage. Remember the saying...if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you then it was yours...(something like that...you get the point)
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Remember the saying...if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you then it was yours...(something like that...you get the point) But this woman was never his to begin with... Sometimes people just meet at the wrong time in life. Yeah it sucks, but if you know that person is married and isn't going to end the marriage, why stay and put up with being second best? (Easier said than done, obviously.)
rossm Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 You should step back from the situation. Consider going NC. She needs to decide where her heart truly is, with you or H. With both of you in the picture, she has little incentive to choose. It's important that this be her decision. If she wants to leave H, it should be because she really wants to leave him regardless, not because you'll be there waiting for her.
zarathustra Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 You should step back from the situation. Consider going NC. She needs to decide where her heart truly is, with you or H. With both of you in the picture, she has little incentive to choose. It's important that this be her decision. If she wants to leave H, it should be because she really wants to leave him regardless, not because you'll be there waiting for her. You are absolutely right, Ross, it is so important that if one should leave a marriage, that he/she leaves for himself/herself...not for another person. My xMM left his M for me and I left my M for myself and he ended feeling the pull of history and familiarity but I didn't feel that same pull as much. The reason my H and I are back together is because he was willing to listen and really hear what my ENs are and then took action to fulfill them. We'll continue on day by day and can only hope for the best.
stillafool Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 My xMM is f***ed up... now he tells me he has issues. When he's pursuing me, why didn't he tell me that? Oh yeah, who the f*** would hang out with someone who doesn't know his elbow from his ass and eats s*** for brains? He played me really good. I almost lost everything for him too. Zara, I'm glad you found out before you lost everything. That was a blessing from God.
zarathustra Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Zara, I'm glad you found out before you lost everything. That was a blessing from God. God left me enough so that I wouldn't go insane. Also brought me to you all fine folks. xMM is an ass. I wish I hated him but I think that the only thing I can do is to avoid him like the plague. There are still days when I feel like he cut me open and left me out to be fed on by vultures. Other days, I feel like he took a dull razor blade and slit my wrist with it cutting deep enough for me to bleed, but not enough to die. He told me once he was not heartless and not selfish, but if he wasn't, then he would leave me alone. Yet he comes over to see me with our colleague so that I can't ignore him.
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