Says she's not IN love, getting mixed messages

[chewy01234]

Hey let me start off by saying I think this is a great site I've been looking through alot of peoples posts and can't quite find my situation. So i figured I'd post about it.

 

After 2 1/2 years my girlfriend says she isn't in love with me anymore. She has been hanging out with new friends, got a tatoo! and is really changing.

 

She was 17 (i was 19) when we started this whole thing so I am ready to assume she is just growing up and Im not a part of her new life.

BUT

 

She says she wants to still say I love you, she wants us to call each other babe like we always did and she says there is no possible way we won't end up married in the future. I asked her if she was just saying these things to make me feel better and i said if you are please stop because they are just hurting me. She said its what she wanted.

 

She doesn't on the other want to kiss me, she doesnt want me to call her that much, she doesnt want to see me that much and she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me sexually.

 

We are going to florida in a week (great idea i know) and she says she thinks the sun and being in the presence of her best friend from high school will put her in a better mood and rekindle the love. I am doubtful of this.

 

I told her after we get back if things haven't rekindled that i wanna totally cut her off from me. I want to be strong and make her see what its like to REALLY live without me so she can see what she is missing. She gets mad at this and says do whatever you want, I just thought we would be friends, If you cut me off I'll be bitter and ill never get back with you.

 

I love this girl so much and I would do anything to make her love me again ( I know it doesnt work that way) and I dont know what to do.

 

What does all this mean?

[chewy01234]

Here is some more info.

 

I was her first real boyfriend. Longest other relationship was 2 months, no farther than kissing.

 

We live about an hour and a half from each other. She is about to go away to college which will nring her 1/2 an hour closer to me.

 

She has been hanging around with a new guy. She spends alot of time with him and she loves his friends. She swears they are no more than friends but she admitted having feelings for him. She swears this has nothing to do with him. But she saves his phone messages and one time he called her baby, she said he was drunk and never did it again. She also goes there at all hours of the night, and occasionally sleeps over. If i said she is not the type to cheat you wouldn't believe me but NO ONE that has ever met her would think she is the type to cheat. She also swears that even though we are broken up she will not do anything with him. I think she has cheated on me emotionally already though.

 

She says she would give ANYTHING to have her feelings for me come back to her. She says this whole thing is ruining her life. and that she has felt this way for months and never told me about it until recently.

[MadDog]

Dump her, and dump her fast. She's just keeping you around as a safety net in case things don't work out between her and that guy or whatever other guy comes along. Don't you think you deserve better?

[chewy01234]

I see what you're saying and I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but hold on. I wish there was some middle ground.

[Guest]

Dating someone who's younger like that (yes even two years) can be a pain. whether you realise it or not you guys are two different ppl, you have a college life, and she has a high school one. kissing and stuff like that doesn't always make or break a relationship. Love can be a very strong word especially from a girl, but 99.9% of the time when they sat they mean it, (no matter what age) they mean it. just give it time and i sure it will work out for the best.

GOOD LUCK DUDE!

[chocolate_boy]

Dude i do NOT envy you in the slightest, as I have lived through this too. Last year my gf and I drifted apart in a similar way, and also had a vacation booked, and decided to still go on it, as we had both had the best vacation ever just a few months earlier, and incase it rekindled things.

 

Although when we got there she put absolutely no effort in and I was heartbroken, apart from a few arguments we basically didn't speak for the whole week, it was like being there on my own. She would go out to the pool and get a single sun lounger and stay there all day, i ended up taking day trips and going for walks on my own, and we slept in different beds all week (actually she would "conveniently" fall asleep on the couch). All the time we were there she as visiting cyber cafes and sending sms texts to people (wouldnt tell me who) turned out she'd been texting an ex fling all day everyday, who was still majorly into her, and she denied returning feelings for.. sure enough she slept with him a few days after returning from vacation. If you have a gut instinct about another guy, its usually true pal.

 

It was the worst week of my life, and well and truly put the nail in the coffin of our relationship, I hated her after that week and I'd never go away again with a girl that wasn't into me anymore...

 

I'd advise you call it off buddy.

[corwin]

She has been hanging around with a new guy. She spends alot of time with him and she loves his friends. She swears they are no more than friends but she admitted having feelings for him. She swears this has nothing to do with him. But she saves his phone messages and one time he called her baby, she said he was drunk and never did it again. She also goes there at all hours of the night, and occasionally sleeps over. If i said she is not the type to cheat you wouldn't believe me but NO ONE that has ever met her would think she is the type to cheat. She also swears that even though we are broken up she will not do anything with him. I think she has cheated on me emotionally already though.

 

I suggest you re-read what you wrote. But pretend someone else wrote it. You're only lying to yourself if you believe she hasn't been "sleeping" with this guy. She's being a cake-eater, having the time of her life with her new boy-toy and keeping you around just in case.

 

It's easy for us to say "kick her ass to the curb", because we don't love her. However, I think it's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point.

[jerbear]

I see what you're saying and I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help but hold on. I wish there was some middle ground.

 

Chewy,

 

There really is no middle ground because it will hold you back with hope that you two will reconcile. Hoping that she will come back to you.

 

Good luck waiting or dealing with heartbreak when she comes back; gets her ego and feelings fixed then finds a newer model trading you in again.

 

Friendship in the future maybe but not till your feelings are gone as in kaput!

[chewy01234]

@ choclate boy: If this trip is the nail in the coffin, I will be happy. I would love to hate her. That would make my job so much easier. Right now I still feel like its my fault, if I change she will love me again (i know it sounds irrational) but if she does something to hurt me I would LOVE it. I would probably be over her in 2 days. My problem is, she is still saying I love you.

 

@ corwin: I have a gut feeling about it but honestly my gut feeling is that something is going on but its nothing scandolous yet. I do think she likes him and would sleep with him but I really don't think it has happened yet. Anyway, I hope they do so I can hate her like I said above.

 

@ jerbear: I know you are right. I am totally preparing myself for it. I can't let myself give not give it one more shot though. I mean 2 1/2 years might not be that long compared to others on this site but to me its a rediculously long period of time. I'm not reading to give that up after just 3 days.

 

I know I have to cut her off. Even her best friend told me so. lol.

I will do it if Florida doesn't work out. In fact I think I have something/someone to ease the pain waiting for me when I do get back.

 

But I guess everyone agrees the mixed signals are probably her just keeping me around as a safety net?

[GB111]

She's keeping you around as a safety net. Just got out of this situation myself. Stop it before you really get hurt. She's with the other guy. If you think she *would* sleep with the other guy, she's going to.

 

That "I Love You" stuff is nonsense. She clearly either doesn't know or doesn't care what love is. She doesn't love you or she wouldn't be doing this. Love has no competition.

[jerbear]

@ jerbear: I know you are right. I am totally preparing myself for it. I can't let myself give not give it one more shot though. I mean 2 1/2 years might not be that long compared to others on this site but to me its a rediculously long period of time. I'm not reading to give that up after just 3 days.

 

I know I have to cut her off. Even her best friend told me so. lol.

I will do it if Florida doesn't work out. In fact I think I have something/someone to ease the pain waiting for me when I do get back.

 

Going away helps but it won't really solve your own issues. Her making a mistake to make you hate her is a way. Why wait if you know you will get hurt or damaged in the process? Why stick around just so you feel good making the break up decision? It would just extend your own pain.

 

 

But I guess everyone agrees the mixed signals are probably her just keeping me around as a safety net?

 

Yelp!

[chewy01234]

I dont know if anyone will read this post but I figured you all might want an update. or it would be helpful in someone elses situation.

 

I found out the day after we went on break she slep with the new guy she was hanging around with.

 

He was a jerk and basically used her. She got what she deserved.

 

We went to florida, it sucked. Nothing happened. We fooled around a little and tried to act normal but it wasn't. Also when I said I was going to stop paying for stuff, she flipped out.

 

We got back and she started dating this new guy, she swore up and down she didnt sleep with him. Not that it matters or anything, but she did.

 

So I was her first, for 2.5 years she had only one man then in 2 months time she bumped her number to 3...it kinda makes me sick.

 

We got back together for 3 days. She broke up with her new BF right in front of me. I thought everything was great, then I got this email.

 

Okay babe theres no easy way to say this:

 

You know I've been thinking about things for awhile and I've spent alot of time on it so I'm absolutely sure this is the right decision and I would appreciate it if you didn't be mean to me or try to change my mind.

 

I've decided to listen to what my heart is telling me and not my brain. My heart needs steve and theres no other way around it. I know I'm taking a huge chance but it just feels right, and that's what you have to go with, what feels right. My feelings for him are too strong to ignore and push out of my mind.

 

And I know you don't deserve this, but it's not about you, its about what I need and what makes ME happy. Don't get me wrong, you make me happy, but this is so much different. If this was about you, you know I would be with you in a heart beat for the rest of my life regardless of how I felt about you because that's what would make you happy.

 

It's true that your first love will always have part of your heart, but that doesnt mean you should be with them if they don't have your whole heart. It's just not fair.

 

And just so you know, I didn't break my promise and see him.

 

So please don't hate me because I'm not playing games with you, I'm just doing what feels right and what my heart is telling me. And if that's a crime, I don't know whats right in the world. I know the consequences of this, just so you know. But I'm ready to accept it.

 

I love you, Jack, always.

 

So thats all folks I guess. I mean I am still talking to her and being a fool trying to get her back but I know it will never work. I know I wont move on till I get a new girl and I will continue to talk to her till that day. I know its not healthy but I know myself and Im ready for crying every day and being miserable till then. You know?