My gf says she is no longer in love

[patsdynasty55]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board

 

I'm looking for some advice

 

I'm 21 yrs old, and have been dating the same girl for over three years now

We are both seniors in college and about to graduate in a week

We started dating in the middle of freshman year

 

We probably rushed things early on

We basically have lived together for about two years, even though we both have our own places

We never sleep apart during the school year

We talked about marriage and kids after less than a year of dating (we were probably 19 years old at the time)

 

we are graduating in a week

and we had planned to live together for a while, once we graduated

her parents immigrated from the phillipines and are very old-school, so we never could live together when her parents were paying her way

but, she agreed that once she was paying for her own rent(once we graduated) that we could live together in our own place

now, all our plans are going to crap

 

We have always had our "normal" problems such as: I spend too much time talking about sports, I don't help her enough with cleaning etc, we disagreed about where we wanted to live after graduation, we disagreed about what religion to raise kids (I'm jewish, she's a filipina and catholic), we had to spend all our summers apart (i'm from mass, shes from ny) although we would see each other for a couple days a few times each summer, and we bicker about stupid stuff

 

but, i love her

before her i always knew there was something missing in my life, and with her that missing feeling doesnt exist

 

let me also say that we started out as friends-and got together after about two/three months of that

 

right away there was this immense amount of passion between us

let me also say she was the first (and only) person i've ever slept with

 

the life in the bedroom was amazing the first 1.5 yrs of our relationship, filled with passion and love

she was always wanting to do stuff

 

then about a year or more ago she wasnt always in the mood

at first i hated it, then i learned to live with it

i just figured thats the way all women get after a lil while of dating

 

THEN, JUST LAST NIGHT (this is where everything gets bad) she tells me that she doesn't feel that connection anymore. She tells me I don't really turn her on anymore, and that I don't pleasure her as much as I used to. She tells me that she still loves me, but that she's not in love with me anymore.

And, that she has been feeling this way for almost a year now. But, was afraid to tell me.

 

One thing I agree with her on, is that I don't feel the passion anymore when we're having sex. There used to be this crazy amounts of passion, and I don't really feel it anymore. But, a lot of the time, I feel like she's not really into it anymore (so maybe that's the reason?)

 

 

there have been a few times when we "broke up" for like a day or so and then got back together, and were able to work everything out

Another thing to note is that this past fall, when we got back to school (after having a big fight in the summer over stupid stuff) things felt strange b/w us, and we both didnt feel the connection, we broke up for like a day or two, then got back together, and things were great again

 

Back to last night

I was very angry when she told me this

I dont know why she didn't tell me for that long, I always tell her not to hold back, and we never lie to each other etc

I'm really the type of person, and she knows this, that believes in sharing everything

 

And, I'm angry because she feels this way

I dont get why she does

She doesnt get why she does

I kinda wonder if she's overreacting

 

She actually had to go home for a couple days to go on a job interview, and she said she was going to think about things and we'd talk once she got back

 

I'm a true believer in not giving up, so that is why this is ultra hard for me

I mean we've been dating for almost our entire college life, were now about to graduate, we love each other, so why the heck give that up?

I understand if she doesn't feel the connection

but, if the connection was there before, how could it just disappear

is it because we've both been stressed lately with a ton of work(both of us have been really busy and havent been able to spend as much quality time together as before), is it because we're stressed about life after college (we both don't have jobs yet, she has an apartment for another month, i'm now going to have to go back home for a couple weeks at least, until i find an apartment-ive been living in a dorm)

I just don't get how that feeling could disappear

 

Right now i'm just really confused

should i start letting go?

or should i fight for our love?

I want to fight, but if it's a lost cause, then it's just going to hurt me more than it already does

 

If anyone could please help me deal with this tough time, I would really appreciate it.

 

thank you

[MadDog]

You two have been together since your freshman year of high school. You two might actually be good for each other but that's hard to gauge considering you haven't experienced being with other people yet. Now might be a good time to part ways for a while and date other people. If you both realize that what you had was actually pretty good, you'll end up together. You might also realize that you two don't connect anymore after developing for the last few years.

[patsdynasty55]

You two have been together since your freshman year of high school. You two might actually be good for each other but that's hard to gauge considering you haven't experienced being with other people yet. Now might be a good time to part ways for a while and date other people. If you both realize that what you had was actually pretty good, you'll end up together. You might also realize that you two don't connect anymore after developing for the last few years.

 

No, no

college

we have been together since fresh yr of college

and are now about to graduate

[MadDog]

No, no

college

we have been together since fresh yr of college

and are now about to graduate

 

Oh. That changes things a bit but I still think you two need a break. You can't really do anything at this point to make things like they used to be. If both of you feel like the connection isn't as strong as it should be, that's a big deal.

[amerikajin]

Tough call.

 

I think that in most cases, whenever a guy fights for his love, it usually backfires. I wouldn't do anything that makes the relationship seem contrived on your part. I would instead take a step back yourself and just start talking to her, communicating better. Listen to her and find out where the connection went, and then think hard about what you used to do when you were in the fun stage of the relationship.

[patsdynasty55]

Tough call.

 

I think that in most cases, whenever a guy fights for his love, it usually backfires. I wouldn't do anything that makes the relationship seem contrived on your part. I would instead take a step back yourself and just start talking to her, communicating better. Listen to her and find out where the connection went, and then think hard about what you used to do when you were in the fun stage of the relationship.

 

we talked

and she couldnt figure anything out

 

i think when things were better we used to spend more time alone together

and we didnt have as much work

[MadDog]

I'm starting to think that some relationships, no matter how good they start out and even if you do everything right, aren't meant to last more than a few years. It's probably exceedingly rare to make a connection with someone that lasts a lifetime. If you can connect with someone and have good times for a few years, it might be better to be grateful for that time and move on as opposed to try to force it to continue longer than it was meant to.

[amerikajin]

I think age and what someone wants out of life also have a lot to do with the duration of a relationship. I think that for a lot of young people (i.e. 29 and under), there's a tendency to play the field more because they still think they have a lot of time left to make decisions on everything from career to their partners; you begin to feel a greater sense of urgency once you reach 30. Not everyone does, and even for those who do, I'm not necessarily saying that a person becomes desperate, but I think a person does begin to think about what they really want in terms of life's goals and a partner with whom to pursue them.

 

Twenty-one? I'm guessing she still sees herself as having a lot of options at her disposal and time to mull those options over. You might be s.o.l. her, unfortunately.

[loveheart59]

I'm starting to think that some relationships, no matter how good they start out and even if you do everything right, aren't meant to last more than a few years. It's probably exceedingly rare to make a connection with someone that lasts a lifetime. If you can connect with someone and have good times for a few years, it might be better to be grateful for that time and move on as opposed to try to force it to continue longer than it was meant to.

 

Apparently (not that im an avid believer in science) but... they measured the chemical that goes off in the brain when your in love:love: and found out you have a test after 36 weeks where either both still love each other, one still loves the other but the others love is decreasing or both stop loving each other. Then I get a bit fuzzy because I cant remember the next crucial period:confused: but its around two years, then the next ones about four years and apparently if you both get to that and both love each other the same or more than originally your set for life. I do believe in romance but I have seen patterns when people split up or start to have problems around these time periods.

 

If she loves you less thats definately a bad sign, you cant make her feel the same again:(

[Guest]

.

 

Twenty-one? I'm guessing she still sees herself as having a lot of options at her disposal and time to mull those options over. You might be s.o.l. her, unfortunately.

 

whats s.o.l. mean

[patsdynasty55]

 

Twenty-one? I'm guessing she still sees herself as having a lot of options at her disposal and time to mull those options over. You might be s.o.l. her, unfortunately.

 

whats s.o.l. mean?

[electric_sheep]

You can't really do anything at this point to make things like they used to be. If both of you feel like the connection isn't as strong as it should be, that's a big deal.

I'm not so sure about either of these statements. Allegedly (according to some pychologists and relationship counselors) people can get that connection back, with effort.

 

Conversely, is it really such a big deal if that connection isn't as strong as it was ? Roibikini wrote up a nice post about the phases of love. That initial "infatuation" phase is very powerful and chemically propulsive. Some people probably like that phase better than the more sedate and subtle "true love" phase. As for me, I'm 35 and have never been able to maintain that intense feeling for anyone. Instead of just giving up on long term relationships all together, I have the wisdom to know this is likely to happen with anyone ... so I stay anyway, if my feelings are strong enough.

 

I realize this may strike some as being too practical and unromantic. It is only my own experience. And no, I don't believe I will ever meet anyone with whom that intense feeling will only grow and flourish. I think different types of feelings characterize long term relationships. I can see how some people would say these feelings are "less" than the other feelings. Maybe I'm just unromantic.

[patsdynasty55]

so its kinda split amongst all

some feel that the connection is supposed to fade

others feel if it is gone thats not good

[Javelin]

As said above, very tough call.

 

Sorry for your misfortune, I do feel for you though. It would have been easier for her to come forward with her feelings earlier in the relationship. Although, she probably thought things would take a drastic change and she'd feel that strong love.

 

Anyway...

 

In the end, you'll both have to answer this question: " What do I want? " Keep in mind, it'll take a large amount of time to come to a decision. During this time, remain calm, don't rush your answer and whatever you do, DO NOT RUSH HER.

 

Just remember one thing! If you 2 were meant to be together, then so be it. If you were not, there will be pain. Only thing you can do is remind yourself that life goes on.

[visotech]

I just went through the same exact situation.

 

Few differences:

- we knew eachother in highschool (just from classes)

- got togather freshman year of college in a long distance thing

- she transfered to my college this year (third year)

- we had seperate places, but ended up living togather anyways

 

We went through the same thing, and she brought up the fact that she was less and less "in love" with me. At first I was devistated, but I did come to a relatization that to some extent we were falling apart. Yet at the same time we got along so well, it was just that we lost our spark.

 

She decided to end things. Its been about 3.5 weeks since, we still hang out as friends. I am in the same position as you, i usually don't give up. But, for me, at this point there is no diffrence between giving up and not giving up, either way I am not with her and I need to move on and become emotionally stable. The only diffrence between giving up and not giving up is if you take eachother back if the chance arises. (paraphrased from swingers ) Fighting for your love at this point may just push her away, what she needs time to evaluate things. Fighting for it will also just hurt yourself.

 

In retrospect when I look at the outcome of our relationship, I realize that we both are only 20 years old and both eachothers first everything. Life is about the exprience, its a bit of a fairy tale to picture yourself with the same woman from age 18 to 99. Theres tons of fish in the sea, and who knows, you might even run into the same fish twice.

[patsdynasty55]

 

In the end, you'll both have to answer this question: " What do I want? " Keep in mind, it'll take a large amount of time to come to a decision. During this time, remain calm, don't rush your answer and whatever you do, DO NOT RUSH HER.

 

Just remember one thing! If you 2 were meant to be together, then so be it. If you were not, there will be pain. Only thing you can do is remind yourself that life goes on.

 

great advice, thanks

 

you guys are really helping me out

im gonna take this really slow

and kinda see what happens

im gonna be open to anything

[patsdynasty55]

She decided to end things. Its been about 3.5 weeks since, we still hang out as friends. I am in the same position as you, i usually don't give up. But, for me, at this point there is no diffrence between giving up and not giving up, either way I am not with her and I need to move on and become emotionally stable. The only diffrence between giving up and not giving up is if you take eachother back if the chance arises. (paraphrased from swingers ) Fighting for your love at this point may just push her away, what she needs time to evaluate things. Fighting for it will also just hurt yourself.

 

 

i never thought of that

that it doesnt matter if i just dont want to give up

its a two way street

and i have to be willing to let go if she really doesnt want it to keep going

thanks

[amerikajin]

s.o.l.= s*** outta luck

[patsdynasty55]

i talked to her on the phone today

(she was back home on a job interview for a few days)

and she said she thinks she wants to break up

 

but i still have such strong feelings for her

should i just give up?

 

and to make things more complicated

she got the offer

in ny

i hafta go home for a lil while after graduation since i dont yet have a job (which is not in ny) and i was planning to move to boston

might i add this was one of our biggest fights over the last few yrs-where to live once we got older-i always wanted to stay in boston, she always wanted to go back to ny, but about a yr ago i realized that i wanted to be with her more than anything and i was willing to live anywhere if it meant i could be with her

so, she got an offer

basically her dream job

making a lot of money

she said she told them she would think about the offer, but she basically has to take it

 

so, if she does, and we're still unsure about us, i'm not moving to ny not knowing wats goin on

so, i would come back to boston

and that would basically be the end of us

 

i just keep having all these different emotions

at one point im thinking f*ck her, im gonna go out and be with other girls, and do whatever i want

in another instant im thinkin about how much i miss her

it sux

 

so, after this latest issue of her saying she thinks she wants to call it quits after thinking about it for the weekend, should i just give up now?

or, do you think its just that we've been together so long, and we're overreacting to the "flame" being gone?

[MadDog]

At this point, I'd say your relationship is likely over and you just haven't accepted it. Think about it. She wants to end the relationship. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to change her mind permanently. You can probably delay it a while by giving her guilt trips, etc. but in the end, the result be the same except with more pain.

 

Your best bet is to give her what she wants and set her free. You're still young and will have plenty of opportunities to meet someone special. It'll suck for a while but that's a part of being involved in relationships for most people.

[patsdynasty55]

i dont know if it was yesterday or today

but i came to a realization

 

my mom said something last night that i guess kinda stuck with me

she basically said how the one thing that ive done wrong was not pay enough attention to my gf

 

and then i realized that my gf has said that before

 

i realized that the last time stuff was great b/w us was about a yr and a half ago, when we lived alone (now i live with a roomate, and last yr i lived with three), and i just kinda treated her differently

plus that was when we were still on the dining hall food plan at school

now we're not

and i make her cook for me most nights

i dont really talk a lot with her the way i used to

and i think she started to resent me

 

for the last yr or so she hasnt shown as much passion towards me, especially in bed, but not only there

capping off with her saying she didnt think she was in love with me anymore and that she didnt really feel the connection

 

and just today i realized that i think maybe this is why

because i was treating her like a maid

and i wasnt treating her the way a gf should be treated

and she resented me for it

and she started hating me for it

and it led to her loss of passion towards me, and she didnt even realize

 

i just talked to her right before i wrote this

and told her what i just wrote

and she thinks that i might be right (she said it def did have at least part to do with it)

that the way i treated her made her feel different toward me

 

now, she is confused what to do

because before she was ready to call it quits

but now that i said this shes not so sure

 

the only thing holding both of us back from being back together now is that were not sure if i treat her the way i used to, if that will definitely bring back that connection inside her

and that passion she used to have towards me

 

and one thing thats making it harder

is we cant really take it slow

because she got that job offer in ny

and i told her i would go there with her

but we would have to move in together

and we would have to be sure that we were in love again

 

she would have to start working there the second week of june

 

our future is honestly being decided now

[patsdynasty55]

so, it looks like we're through

 

shes been home cuz of the job interview and hasnt come back yet, cuz she was sick

 

she kept saying she wanted to wait to talk about things till she got back

 

and today she said she thought that what i said to her the other day would make her feel better about me, but apparently it didnt

 

she said she still doesnt feel differently about me, of course we havent seen each other since all this has happened, ive 99.9% given up on her now,

 

should i go to 100% or not?

[amerikajin]

pats,

 

The general rule in relationships is that, once you're out, you're usually out for good.

 

The other, more important thing to remember is that she's the one who's going to make the final decision here. You both know what you want; the question is what does she want? You've got no control over anything at this point, except for how you manage your own life. I would not say 'write her off', but I would start living your own life as though it's over between you two, because unless she actually says otherwise, it is. You've done all you can to recover the romance at this point, the rest is up to her. I would probably use this as a learning experience and start moving on with your life. If she comes back, well then you should consider yourself lucky. If she doesn't, then at least you tried and you learned something. Best of luck to you.

[Mary3]

In relationships there are changes that happen as you progress through it and you both change and grow.

 

Sometimes one changes at a different rate than the other person.

 

For whatever reason(s) that persons feelings they have for you * change * It could be something you did. It could be something you didn't do. It could absolutely neither and she just has developed and grown apart from you.

 

I can tell you this one thing for sure : If a woman stops wanting to make love to you then she usually is emotionally shutting down and the last thing she wants is that kind of *closeness.*

 

Sex drives can wane and change , spike and spiral , and can be recovered * only * if the disinterested party cares enough to keep the spark going. No spark. No emotion . No connection.

 

I know some will say you can have a passionless relationship and it doesn't mean they don't love you. But when the sex life takes a nose dive I predict conflict and likely the ending of the relationship unless someone throws a lifevest to the sinking ship...

[amerikajin]

I basically agree for the most part, Mary.

 

I think that the loss of libido is usually the symptom of a problem as opposed to the problem itself. There are some people who just lose their libido in general and it has nothing to do with the partner, which can be problematic in and of itself.

 

As well, a lot of it depends on the timing. A 50 year old man or woman losing the fire is one thing; a 22 year old is quite another. The latter is often a case of losing the passion of their partner specifically.