almostthere Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Me and my bf are moving in together on June 1st. An old bf from 2 years ago contacted me last week. He wants to meet for lunch on friday. Why do i feel like i would be cheating on my bf if i went? I want to go to say hi. Its been a long time and i love my bf and i wont cheat. I just want to go to "tie up" loose ends i guess you can say. And i would like to see him again...but only as friends of course. Am i wrong for giving myself such a guilt trip about this? Is it wrong for me to go?
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Based on the feelings that I can see present in your post, I would say yes. Clearly, there is more going on in your head about this guy than just "friends." Imagine how you would feel if you were reading your post as if it were written by your b/f about another girl. If it's just friends, then take your b/f along. I don't know your b/f, but to me, there's basically no good reason why a g/f of mine should want to see an old boyfriend, friends or not. It isn't an issue of it being bad in itself, it's just a question of preferring people who don't have this issue come up.
Author almostthere Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 I would love to take my bf along. The only problem is that he wouldnt go because if my friend said anything about the past he would feel uncomfortable. Just as I would of course. I am looking at this from our perspective. Our meaning me and my bf. i guess i will just tell the friend over email what i need to say. i dont want to ruin the closeness and innocence of my relationship with my bf. thanks for letting me know. i just needed to know i wasnt feeling overly strange over this lunch invite. Its strange how much one person can change you for the better. before i met my bf i wasnt even looking for a serious relationship. I was happily single for 3 years. dating casually of course but happy with seeing someone only 2 times a week and talking over the phone briefly to confirm our next date. now here i am getting upset at myself at just a thought. i am very lucky. i have felt very lucky since the day i met him. i hope this feeling doesnt have to go away with time. we adore each other like two high schoolers. we are so close and so connected. ive never felt this licky before.
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 It seems shaky to me that you have much of anything to say to the other guy that you can't say in front of your b/f, or that you are worried about what the other guy will say in front of your b/f. Frankly, if you still have these feelings, but plan on a real future with the b/f, then I would tell the other guy you can't make it and just let it go. Maybe a few more years down the line you can be pals without having any issues.
Author almostthere Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 Im sorry i think you are misunderstanding. I can say whatever i need to say in front of my bf to this guy. what i want to say is that he let too much time pass by and i am in love with my bf and nothing is going to change that. i would love my bf to hear me say that. all he would say is something about an old date we went on or something. nothing major. i have no feelings for him any longer. he left me to sit and wonder why he would say he loved me then disappear for the past two years without a trace. im not trying to see if theres still a chance with me and the ex. i am just trying to say im sorry but no thank you and heres why. i only listed that i wont cheat on my bf is because a lot of people on here jump to conclusions right away.
starlet Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I don't know your b/f, but to me, there's basically no good reason why a g/f of mine should want to see an old boyfriend, friends or not. It isn't an issue of it being bad in itself, it's just a question of preferring people who don't have this issue come up. But....what if they're actually friends? I mean, I have an ex who I am still very good friends with - we talk a lot, we get together for drinks to catch up or whatever - I'm actually pretty good friends with his current girlfriend. I think girls are totally capable of being friends with their exes - but of course there's a level where you have to personally realize that there isn't anything to that past relationship but friendship now, so that's a subjective thing. just sayin', it does work, and doesn't ruin relationships. my bf is find with the fact that I'm friends with my ex. We all go out for drinks sometimes.
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I agree that it doesn't have to, but the OP essentially said that she has unfinished business with the ex, or he has unfinished business with her and she is willing to hear him out and would exclude the b/f to do so. As it relates to not ruining relationships, as you note, it is all facts and circumstances. I just know that if my g/f suddenly needed to be talking to an ex, I'd assume the relationship was less serious than I thought and would act accordingly.
Guest Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 What is wrong with the original poster just going out for lunch to say face to face that there isnt a chance? i wouldnt mind if my bf did that. as long as it was one time. does the bf really have to be there to hear her say that she doesnt want this other guy? she is clearly stating that she loves her bf and respects him to the point that even the mere thought of having this lunch with this guy to tell him thanks but no thanks makes her feel uneasy. and she is doing it to say exactly that. maybe at some point in time she had feelings for him enough to have a talk about it and close things up for him but it doesnt sound like anywhere in these postings that she wants to see him for any other reason. maybe more of us should take the chance like this and bury our pasts once and for all. maybe then we could all be honest people. just a thought....
tanbark813 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Why not just ask your bf if he's okay with you going? If not, don't go. It's not rocket science.
Author almostthere Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 honestly i dont believe he would be. in my experience men tend to be a bit more jealous and less understanding of these situations. i guess i will just send off an email. i feel i need to at least let this other guy know what is up. in short he kicked his brothers drug dealers butt and was put in jail the day after i saw him last. this was two years ago. he got out and contacted me a day after. i want him to know the feelings we had between us are gone now. its complicated but his brother almost died (overdosed) and my exbf was always trying to straighten his brother out. he was a good guy. never been in jail before that. i guess it was a pretty serious offense for the time he served. he contacted me through email. I already emailed him back letting him know i wasnt single anymore. nevermind...maybe its stupid situation. I should just let it go. why risk anything just to say no thank you.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 i am just trying to say im sorry but no thank you and heres why Then do that over the phone. There is no real reason to go have lunch with your ex. It really serves no purpose in your present life and if there's a chance it will make your boyfriend feel bad, then don't do it. What counts is what HE thinks and feels, not your ex. Leave the ex in the past ...
Author almostthere Posted May 4, 2006 Author Posted May 4, 2006 Thanks for all the responses. I gave this a lot of thought yesterday since on Wednesdays I actually have alone time so I can hear myself think. And I am almost ashamed of myself. In my marriage, my husband helped a friend move. the friend was our mutually best friend of well...forever. I was 7 months pregnant and come to think of it we were just engaged at the time. Well our friend's cousin was over and she somehow got the idea that my soon to be would leave me and his child for her. he spent the night at our friends house and so did she. they all stayed up late talking and my name or the baby was never mentioned. like i was a secret. she started calling our house asking for him until i finally had to tell her to stop. then she called when she knew i wasnt home. she was asking him to move in with her. strange question after only knowing some one for a day. anyway...i remember asking him to tell her to stop calling in front of me. it would make me feel better and i would believe him that nothing was going on and she was done calling. eventually this lead to a blow out argument and finally he said that he would rather not say anything to her or our friend because it would hurt their feelings. and this was his thought process...he would rather hurt my feelings because i love him and would forgive him for the hurt then hurt their feelings because they werent as close as we were and they might not stick around. you have no idea how hard that was to hear for a 18 year old pregnant woman. so i feel i have done the same. i have worried about telling the ex in person that i am moving in with my bf and that there isnt a chance. while some what so ignoring the feelings that may cause my bf. especially since in a year there havent been any secrets between us that i know of. I am not going to call this ex because i dont want to exchange phone numbers. i dont need him stirring up trouble in my relationship. i am just going to email him. and i am going to be honest with my bf about the communication because i dont want to lie about it and if he ever found out, even though i didnt do anything wrong, i dont want him to question me as to why i didnt tell him about it.
tanbark813 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 I am not going to call this ex because i dont want to exchange phone numbers. i dont need him stirring up trouble in my relationship. i am just going to email him. and i am going to be honest with my bf about the communication because i dont want to lie about it and if he ever found out, even though i didnt do anything wrong, i dont want him to question me as to why i didnt tell him about it. Good for you.
a4a Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Why not just ask your bf if he's okay with you going? If not, don't go. It's not rocket science. ahhh the voice of reason rings out in a simple and clear manner
tanbark813 Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 ahhh the voice of reason rings out in a simple and clear manner Sometimes I wonder why the answers aren't more obvious.
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