Sort-term relationships. Just as painful?

[Guest]

Is it just me or are break-ups from short-term relationships just as painful as from long-term ones?

 

Here's my story -

 

Just looking to get this out in the open more than anything else but comment etc are more than welcome

 

Met a girl just after Christmas. Got her number from a mutual friend and we agreed to meet up. We went out for 3 months. As far as I was concerned, everything was OK. We saw each other usually twice a week (once during the week and at weekends) and always had a good laugh and got on really well (can only remember 1 arguement and it was over pretty quickly). Should just add that we stay about an hour's drive from each other.

 

Anyway, as I said, things were going well and then she went away for a week on holiday. Whan she came back, I drove to see her and everything still seemed OK (usual I missed you, no I missed you stuff). Never stayed over that night but agreed that she would come over to mine that weekend.

 

Saturday comes and she phones me first thing in the morning to say she will not be over that night as she is sick. Cool, I say. Look after yourself. Sunday comes and I get a text saying that we will do something on Wednesday. Tuesday night arrives and I get another text saying that she will have to cancel Wednesday. Excuse sounded genuine to me so naturally I said OK, we'll meet up at the weekend.

 

Then the bombshell. Phone goes on Wednesday night and, you've guessed it, it's the 'we need to talk' conversation (translation: I need to talk, you need to listen). Reasons were - we stay too far away from each other (in my opinion an hour's drive is not too much), my feelings for you are just not enough

 

I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and just couldn't believe that this was happening. This girl is fantastic in every way.

 

Anyway, I accept that she obviously doesn't want to be with me and feels like an hour's drive to see me is not worth the investment of her time but my question (in a long roundabout sort of way) is - Is it normal to be feeling like total s*** after being dumped after only 3 months of dating?

[daphne]

If you really liked her, I don't think it's abnormal to be upset after a short period. I think sometimes when we see real potential in someone, we can wrap our hopes into one person. And when it doesn't work out, it scorches.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. I'm sorry she didn't feel as strongly but hte only thing you can do is do no contact and see if she realizes what she's missing out on.

[burning 4 revenge]

My last relationship was eight and a half months and the pain far eclipsed two previous relationships of two years plus each. And we were broken up for like six weeks of that, so it was about seven months total. No girl ever annihilated me like that before. It really depends how much you liked the girl. Within reason, of course. If you are stalking her for three months after one date, something is wrong with you, but three months is enough time to get to know someone.

 

You know what really sucks is knowing that the only way to really make it work is to settle for someone you don't give a sh*t about. I guess I'm talking about myself here. To be loved, you have to find someone you could never love.

[serial muse]

You know what really sucks is knowing that the only way to really make it work is to settle for someone you don't give a sh*t about. I guess I'm talking about myself here. To be loved, you have to find someone you could never love.

 

Crap. You just described my worst fear.

[MadDog]

The reason why it seemed so bad is because you two were still in the honeymoon phase and you hadn't seen all the negative things about her yet. She probably still seemed flawless at that point. Believe me, if you had stuck around for another 3 months, you would have realized she wasn't perfect. Then it wouldn't seem as bad.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: " Is it just me or are break-ups from short-term relationships just as painful as from long-term ones?"

 

It's not just you.

 

Short-term doesn't necessarily mean "a little short on emotions" that are invested.

 

Sure, there are brief affairs, dating cycles that only last a few weeks or months, and other types of short-term relationships which may not actually merit, nor extract a significant emotional investment from you.

 

Then, -there's the one that 'grabs' you and you know you're 'in love' after only a few days, weeks, or a couple of months.

 

Maybe not, maybe so.

 

You'd be better off giving it more time, but don't leave it up to your feelings to make the decision; the 'love' feeling doesn't exactly check itself automatically, -that's up to your brain, -well, your common sense- (if you are lucky enough to still be able to rationalize during this time).

 

But there's the clue: it's both the type of relationship, and the amount and intensity of the emotions that were invested.

 

One of the major reasons the pain can be so great, is because these emotions were formed during the most acutely vulnerable time of any relationship: the beginning, when emotions are being spurred by very specific hormones that naturally occur during the initial phase of romantic love/attraction.

 

It's the period when you're telling all your friends about this "amazing chemistry" between the two of you.

 

If you break up during any one of the phases that are still producing these particular hormones in mass doses, the pain can be ultra excruciating.

 

It's normally the time when we hear someone say, " I think I'm going to die!" , or state, " I think I'm losing my mind!"

 

Of course, those statements may be uttered during almost any other breakup where a fair amount of emotions were invested, but the aftermath from short-term relationship breakup is felt rather intensely, simply because of the volume presence of those nasty hormones which seem to make it all feel more 'important', and more 'life and death'.

 

Hope this answered your original, primary question.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Apathetic]

Of course its possible,im living proof..My current ex I have known for only 8 months now & we were together for just 3 months & this breakup is farrrr more painful than my last one which was 6 yrs of friendship & 2 yrs together bf & gf..Another thing,The feelings Ive experienced for my last ex I have ever ever felt before for anyone else who I have known for much longer..So yeah breakups of short term relationship are just as painful

[riobikini]

The thing about the pain of breakup in short-term relationships, is that the hormones present can actually drive us to think some of the most off-the-planet thoughts which defy who we were previously in personality and behavior.

 

We don't even know where they come from; we may have moments of clarity where we look at what we're doing, saying and thinking -and hell- we don't know the person they came out of, anymore.

 

During these types of breakups, strange and extreme behavior is more likely to happen, stuff like: stalking, violence, obsessive calling, going to the person repeatedly (anywhere, publicly or not) and crying and begging, as well as even threats of hurting yourself or suicide.

 

Never underestimate the power of the 'love' hormones working overtime in unison to just 'give up' when the relationship is over.

 

Not everyone reacts with the extreme behavior described above, but many will experience the effect of the intense emotions being left 'untended', abandoned, unrecognized, -and feel a cavern of loss and excruciating emotional pain.

 

And during this time, they are all 'fired up' on reigniting the relationship, -hellbent on making a reconciliation, and may doggedly pursue it for months and months.

 

Meanwhile, during the months that follow, the hormones manufactured in mass are beginning to slow down in production.

 

Now comes the opportunity for reality to begin to slowly set in: you realize that he/she wasn't so 'perfect' after all, you realize that, given other circumstances of your first meeting, that, you probably wouldn't have given him/her a second look, -but most of all, you begin to realize that the 'love' you felt was probably more like lust, in the first place.

 

And. in all likelihood, -it probably was.

 

With those who still have trouble 'letting go' after months of slowed hormone production, the barrier to emotional healing is more psychological: there could have been core issues that existed prior to the relationship.

 

These folks will have a harder row to hoe (more deep-rooted weeds to dig out).

 

Therapy might be the answer and should probably be considered, if your life just won't 'jump start' again.

 

And therapy isn't a bad thing, - it sure beats living your life chasing after an ex who has been married for the last 10 years and has four kids, a spouse, a mortgage to worry about, and hardly remembers your name.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[kitten chick]

Sometimes it's really hard to let go when you don't even know what it is you're letting go of.

[riobikini]

In that case, KC, the value of the entire relationship may have been in question, to begin with.

 

Are you talking about yourself, -or your ex not knowing?

 

-Rio

[kitten chick]

In that case, KC, the value of the entire relationship may have been in question, to begin with.

 

Are you talking about yourself, -or your ex not knowing?

 

-Rio

 

This wasn't about me, but I have experienced it before.

 

Sometimes in shorter relationships something happens to end the relationship when you could have been perfect for each other. You'll never really know since you didn't get the chance to truly know the person.

 

I just think if there are feelings involved it's going to hurt whether it's a long term or short term relationship. It just hurts in a different way.

[riobikini]

re:

 

KC: "I just think if there are feelings involved it's going to hurt whether it's a long term or short term relationship. It just hurts in a different way."

 

You are correct.

 

Different levels of chemicals, different prsonalities, different background schemata, -different individuals.

 

All of that produces specific circumstances, individual to each relationship, but still operating on the basis of how we function physically and psychologically, as human beings.

 

(Smile)

 

Thanks for the input, -and for the opportunity for me to say that.

 

-Rio

[StussyMagnet]

Hi, I was the original poster of this thread. I posted it pefore I registered.

 

Just wanted to say thanks for all of your opinions/advice. They have helped me a great deal. A lot of it was (thankfully) re-inforcing what I already thought/knew-

 

Daphne - Spot on. I thought I saw potential and made an (emotional) investment and got burned...

 

Rio - Thankfully I have no stalking/obsessice calling tendancies (yet)!

The rest of your posts were most helpful tho! You should do this professionally!

 

KittenChick - That's the real doozie. Seemed like we could have been perfectfor each other. Lost count of the number of times people told me that during our (short;) ) time together. Now I will never know....

 

Have really started to rationalize it in my head what happened. She was honest enough to tell me that her feelings for me weren't strong enough (I still don't believe the BS about us staying too far apart. I just mapquest-ed it. It's only 35 miles fer god sake!). The one thing I'm repeating over in my head is 'I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me'

 

Still this could just be my brain going through denial or some other s***!!

 

Hope not cos I really am under no illusions that she's coming back. I doubt I will ever hear from/see her again.

 

Will keep you posted

[StussyMagnet]

OK, so it's been a week. A week of NC, a week of starting a new job, a week of keeping myself occupied yet I find myself thinking of her often. Did I do something wrong? Could I have done something different? Why doesn't she want me in her life? etc

 

Had been trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to let a break-up get to me this time but it has. And just as bad if not worse. I seem to be bottling it in and can't help it. I've tried letting it all out. Had friends/family telling they were there for me but I just keep telling everyone that I'm OK but only I know that I'm not. I'm pretty f**king far from OK!

 

She was so into me. She asked me out. Said she'd fancied me for ages! The relationship was going so well. We saw each other once or twice a week and when we were together it was amazing. We talked all the time (I hate talking on the phone yet I could talk to her for hours). All my friends thought she was great and she thought they were great.

 

I just can't understand her ending the relationship because of the distance. Surely if you are into someone then the distance between you is insignificant?

 

Sorry for the rant but I just need to get this off my chest (again!)

[StussyMagnet]

Boy am I having a bad day. It seems that w whole week's worth of emotional crap are coming out today! Am so tempted to call/text her. Found an old phone bill with her number on it and am sitting with it infront of me as I type. Need advice please.

 

The thing is, when she broke up with me (over the phone!) I just kinda sat there saying "OK, Uh-huh. Yep. Cool. No problem" etc. Texted her later that night just to kinda confirm her reasons. Ended that text chat with an "OK, see you around."

 

So here's where I need advice. For some reason today, my brain is convincing me that she is sitting at home thinking that as this was such an amicable break-up (all the OKs, cool, no problems) and I didn't protest, complain or try to talk her out of it then that means that I didn't care. So I am so tempted to text her to tell her I miss her and I thought she was special. I know this is a bad idea but need someone else to give me the kick up the ar$e not to do it

 

Any takers?

[riobikini]

SM,

 

If you know you shouldn't, -then don't.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

StussyMagnet,

 

re: " So here's where I need advice. For some reason today, my brain is convincing me that she is sitting at home thinking that as this was such an amicable break-up (all the OKs, cool, no problems) and I didn't protest, complain or try to talk her out of it then that means that I didn't care. So I am so tempted to text her ..."

 

See the thread/post in the link below in regards to your concern about your ex thinking you do not (or never did) care, if you remain in 'NC' status.

 

Here's the link:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=772493#post772493

 

 

Hope it helps.

 

-Rio

 

And, P.S....they know you care/cared. Never doubt it.

[riobikini]

SM,

 

re: "I know this is a bad idea but need someone else to give me the kick up the ar$e not to do it.

 

Any takers?"

 

 

Oh, BTW...here's your "kick up the arse"....

 

Now, gimme back my foot.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[daphne]

Stussy,

 

You remind me of my ex with your recalcitrance during break up. However, I didn't leave because i didn't like him anymore. I got tired of his bs since he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to put himself 100% into the relationship.

 

In your situation, you know telling her isn't going to bring her back. Strict NC is the only way to go, honestly. You can't make someone want to be with you while you're making them comfortable, cosy and feeling "friendly". She liked you a lot in the beginning. She'll probably regret it when she gets back out there and realizes you were a good guy (that is if you are).

[bonny doon]

Great screenname by the way! So I am totally in the same boat as you, my friend. For some reasons, the short term relationships really f** me up a lot worse than the long-term ones...

 

For example: dated a guy for almost 3 years, took me about 6 months to get over him but it actually wasn't a big deal. A few other guys that I've dated for close to a year ... same thing ... the breakup is painful, let's not kid ourselves, it is *painful* but usually by the time you're breaking up you're so sick of their ass and bored to death that the pain is dulled by that fact.

 

Dated 2 guys for like 1 or 2 months each ... like 4 to 7 weeks ... I got a major smack-down rejection both times (unexpected, sudden, the kind that blindsides you ... catching them with someone else, that kind). Wow!!!!! Extreme trauma. I've experienced trauma from physical violence before, and this trauma somehow seemed much, much worse, or at least the pain seemed much harder to deal with in the short term.

 

(not to digress but with physical violence, the PTSD you get afterwards tends to be delayed-onset ... and you have no clue why you're behaving the way you're behaving, months, years afterwards.).

 

Whereas with these two short-term "dumpages" I was totally KO'd. I was like could someone please tell me ... WTF JUST HAPPENED???? I'm talking serious, intense, almost suicidal-feelings pain, that I never felt when I broke up with the other long-term type guys. Then I'm thinking, WTF is wrong with me that these little things can upset me so much?

 

So I'm so glad you posted about this issue because a lot of people told me, WTF are you upset about, you were only dating a few weeks or 2 months or whatever and I'm like, you don't get it, that's the whole point! I felt like I was practically led on ... to believe that stronger feelings were there than were actually there.

 

It doesn't help that I'm new to "dating" myself, (being of the serial monogamy variety), and that perhaps a lot of the trauma has to do with my not being used to rejection by guys that really seem to like me and come on really strong in the beginning but then I guess they freak themselves out and/or they freak me out, and then it's this chain reaction breakdown and the next thing I know they're in bed with someone else. Sometimes I wish relationships came with an instruction manual so I wouldn't F** them up all the time. I know that I'm at least 50% to blame for these things, and 100% to blame for the fact that these rejections hurt me so much.

 

Thanks for posting Stussymagnet!

[daphne]

I'm a lot like bonny. Serial monogamist. A few years back I ran into a sociopath who promised everything, delivered nothing. He was the biggest liar I've ever met and did some horrible things to people, other than myself. I had a hard time getting out of denial, but deep down I knew there was something wrong with him. The red flags started the night I met him. The lesson? Take it slow. You never know who's nuts, or who's wishy washy. Just because they start off crazy about you doesn't mean anything. In this new society, we're all just a barrel of fickle hormones and fairy tales, and we forget that the grass is rarely greener.

 

I've seen girls throw themselves at a guy who was completely ambivalent and unsure, then dump him and the guy is hollering in pain. He liked the elation he got from having someone fall all over him. I've seen similar from men. Crazy

[Numbheart]

Great post, thank you for starting it and special thanks to riobikini.

It has certainly helped me a great deal.

I have never once been in the place that I am now, the insight with these posts has helped me understand why I am and that it does happen to others also.

Realising that short term break ups can be the most difficult to get over and having the reasons explained as to why, has given me much food for thought and more focus.

[chocolate_boy]

In my experience the shorter relationships can hit you harder when they end (expecially as you don't normally see it coming!), but you get over them quicker and more fully. When you are over them too there's less chance of it having any lingering feelings than the ones you spend significant time with.

 

As you were only with the person a short time, you don't know them that well, so it's not neccessarily them you miss, maybe just the feelings and emotions.

[batesal]

OK, so it's been a week. A week of NC, a week of starting a new job, a week of keeping myself occupied yet I find myself thinking of her often. Did I do something wrong? Could I have done something different? Why doesn't she want me in her life? etc

 

1st I want to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong. If you were as honset, loving, and sincere that you could possibly be, then what more could you do? You are human, not a person that can make someone's dreams come true. There are probably a million reasons why she decided that she didn't want you in her life. You cannot beat yourself up on trying to figure that out. You never will, unless she personaly tells you. Although you keep yourself occupied and busy, you will think about her alot. Why? Cause you are still trying to figure out what it is that she didn't like about you. It doesn't matter the nature of how long you were together, when you love someone it hurts to have your heart broken. You can be with someone for 3 months or 30 years and the love is the same. Long-term relationships are just like short-term, that have failed. One person is still in love and the other person is not. Is there a difference?

 

Boy am I having a bad day. It seems that w whole week's worth of emotional crap are coming out today! Am so tempted to call/text her. Found an old phone bill with her number on it and am sitting with it infront of me as I type. Need advice please.

 

Unless she calls you to talk, you calling her, you will get hurt with no matter what she has to say. Espeically if she tells you she cannot talk when you want her to.

 

So here's where I need advice. For some reason today, my brain is convincing me that she is sitting at home thinking that as this was such an amicable break-up (all the OKs, cool, no problems) and I didn't protest, complain or try to talk her out of it then that means that I didn't care. So I am so tempted to text her to tell her I miss her and I thought she was special. I know this is a bad idea but need someone else to give me the kick up the ar$e not to do it

 

Your brain will tell you all kinds of things to do. (Call her, text her, drive by her job, her house. Send her a e-mail) You honestly have no idea what she is doing, because she isnot talking to you. You wondering also what she is doing is normal. You just had your heart broken. You are doing to think and think about "What is _____ doing" "I think I need to call her and she how she is doing" Does matter what she wants to say. You answers will not be told until she is ready to tell you.

 

It WILL get better. I felt that my life was over when my ex left me. Yes I want a second chance, but I have figured out that the more I feel that I need to talk to her or see her, I am not going to heal and actually move on. It has been 4 months snice my breakup and I think about my ex, but I have told myself that calling her will hurt you right now. I don't call her at all, and if someone cares about you they will call. If they don't then you will never hear from them again. But if you call your feelings will come back like your breakup was yesterday and it will start over. I know cause I did this for 2 months, and I was still hurting alot. So when I began to distance myself from her, I began to realize that she was running my life.

 

You have to take control of your feelings, and make yourself not call, write nothing. EVERYONE here will tell you that it will GET BETTER. IT WILL!!! GOOD LUCK

[StussyMagnet]

Just wanted to check in and thank all posters on this (and indeed every)thread. It is a great help to read them when I am feeling s***ty.

 

OK, so been 2 weeks of NC, Still not over it. Still thinking of her often. Even at work. Especially at work as my new job consists of approx 2 hours work and 6 hours sitting about with nothing to do! Still getting butterflies in my stomach when I think of little things like our first date, our first kiss, her laugh, her damn sexy ass (which she hated! what is up with that girls?).

 

On a positive not I now have no way of phoning/texting her as I tidied up my gaff and found every phone bill with her number. Burned the lot of them! I still know her normal address and email address off by heart but I have no intention in using them. Haven't done a hand-written letter in years! (maybe that's where I went wrong - kidding!)

 

I go through stages at being very angry. Mostly because she dumped me by telephone. I would never dream of breaking it off with someone in anything other than in person. Am I wrong to be angry for this reason?

What does everyone think about breaking up over the phone?

 

Again, thanks to everybody for their tuppence-worth..