He can give it, but not take it.

[luvtoto]

The guy that I have been dating, on and off since 2003, is mad at me for having a date with another guy. Sure it sounds bad, but...

 

Well, what the hell? He's had like almost 3 yrs to commit to me and nothing.

 

Well, he never has time for me and I am not saying he's a jerk. He's a great guy...just busy.

 

He didn't call me on Easter till around 9:30pm. I am not even bringing up the subject to him. I understand his situation. If he doesn't have time for me, that's fine. But, I sure am not going to be home feeling sorry for myself. Screw that.

So, I went out on a date and had fun! (No, not that kind of fun)

 

The phone call went like this:

 

He said, "Happy Easter, even though it's about over. What did you do today?"

 

I said, "I had a date with another guy. He took me fishing all day."

 

He says, "Oh, really. (pause) How did that go?"

 

I said, "Fine. He was not my type though, but, it was fun and something to do."

 

I then said, "Hey, my daughter needs the phone...do you *want* me to call you back?"

 

He said, "Yea, sure! Give me a call. I'll wait up."

 

Well, I didn't end up calling him. Sue me. I didn't have time.

 

So, why, when *I* treat him the way *he* is treating me...he gets all bent out of shape? Why would that make him mad?

 

He has always given me the "non-committment" vibe. Like, just wanna date...nothing serious. Used to piss me off...now, I expect it from him. Meaning, the pressure is off of him, I make other plans that have nothing to do with him.

 

How come is it when the guy finally gets what he wants...a non-comittal GF, then he gets mad and won't talk to me?

 

I seriously do NOT understand this. Isn't this what he's wanted all along? No pressure?

 

He needs to make up his damn mind what he wants. period.

[luvtoto]

So...it's not wrong to make plans when he doesn't bother to make plans with me is it? I am not expected to just sit around and wait for his call, am I?

[AmItheOne]

Hell no you aren't...I am in the same situation. My boyfriend of 2 years expects me to sit on the back burner while he does what I want and doesn't spend enough time with me and tells me he isn't ready for committment but when I mention going out...not even necessarily with another guy...he FREAKS. Too bad, so sad, treat us better and we won't have the need to find fun without you! Good job, keep it up!

[luvtoto]

Hell no you aren't...I am in the same situation. My boyfriend of 2 years expects me to sit on the back burner while he does what I want and doesn't spend enough time with me and tells me he isn't ready for committment but when I mention going out...not even necessarily with another guy...he FREAKS. Too bad, so sad, treat us better and we won't have the need to find fun without you! Good job, keep it up!

Thanks for the validation I was looking for, amitheone!

 

I am sorry you are going through the same. The thing is ... is that I don't get worked up about him not calling anymore, I mean, I don't let him know it bothers me (big difference). He'll never know how I feel. He seems to be responding to that.

 

What is wrong with him? He says, "don't wait around for me...". When I don't...he FREAKS.

 

Yep, too bad, so sad. It felt really good not calling him back. OH, lord I apologize!

 

Dang. It's just a bunch of crap. What's his problem?

[allina]

I'm confused. Are you happy in this relationship, do you want it this way or do you want a commitment? I would say let him be pissed, do what makes you happy or confront him about it. I guess I just dont understand the point of carring on this sort of relationship for three years.

[luvtoto]

I'm confused. Are you happy in this relationship, do you want it this way or do you want a commitment? I would say let him be pissed, do what makes you happy or confront him about it. I guess I just dont understand the point of carring on this sort of relationship for three years.

 

Thanks for asking, allina. The truth is is that I love the heck out of this man. Even though I front...I really want a committment from him. I have never been happy with anyone else since meeting him.

 

We were engaged once, but he chickened out and let me go. But, throughout the past 3 years, we just keep finding our way back to each other.

 

Whenever we are together, he always refers back to old memories we made and how happy he was. Whenever we get back together *again* he tells me he love me..still & that I am the best he has ever had.

 

The reason he broke off our engagement was because his kids & X-wife were giving him a hard time about remarrying. The would say things to him like, "well, just go raise your *new* family now."

 

This bothered him alot...to the point where he felt too guilty to marry me. He felt like marrying me & my kids was a form of betrayal to his own kids.

 

He told me, years ago, that he didn't want a *relationship*. I let him go. Every freakin' time I tried to move on...he would be right at my door, literally. He even sent his buddy to spy on one of my dates with another guy.

 

So, over the course of about three years of hot & cold. I learned to keep loving him...but at the same time, to keep my guard up and not get too attached. Cause his kids still have a strong hold on him. He is a very dedicated father.

 

So, in the meantime. I don't take his advances too seriously. I can't or I will get too hurt. We never have one on one talks cause I already know how he feels. HIS KIDS COME FIRST.

 

So, why, would he get upset when I'm out on a date with another guy?

 

What does this man want from me???

[MadDog]

He doesn't want to commit to you but he doesn't want you to date other guys either. That's pretty lame. He's basically afraid that you'll meet a guy who you will find as cool as him but is able to offer you more (e.g. a commited relationsihp.) Then he'll be really screwed.

 

I really think you're getting the short end of the stick here. I mean, are you going to go on like this indefinately because he can't stand up to his ex-wife and kids? They have no right to tell him he can't build a new life. He needs to start acting like a man and take charge.

[allina]

 

I really think you're getting the short end of the stick here. I mean, are you going to go on like this indefinately because he can't stand up to his ex-wife and kids? They have no right to tell him he can't build a new life. He needs to start acting like a man and take charge.

 

You really are getting the short end of the stick here. He is causing you to miss out on any chance of finding true love and a real, healthy relationship. He gets mad when you date because though he is not willing to commit it is nice for him to have you around when it suits him. I just think he's being super selfish and unfair to you.

[luvtoto]

Thanks MD and Allaina. I am powerless in this situation. I've tried to move on a couple times. I just keep gettin sucked back in. I *know* he loves me. But, omg, you should meet the bitch of a X-wife he has!! Super Bitch! She will most definetly turn his kids against him.

 

He is NOT a bad person. I has no enemies. He is a good guy. His BF wants us to be together so bad. Whenever we decide to get together again, we always go party with him. Whenever he sees us together, he tells him, "Marry her. Will ya?"

 

I will never move on...as long as he is still single. His son will graduate in a couple years...maybe I got a chance then.

 

He is not a bad guy for staying dedicated to his kids. Is he? He'll never stand up to them, if it's not.

 

By the way, I have made many changes in my life when it comes to him. Changes that he admires. I, obviously, don't wait around by the phone for him anymore. He doesn't really know how to take me anymore.

 

Right now...he's mad.

[luvtoto]

Yea. I am getting the short end of the stick. But, when you love someone...what do you do?

[MadDog]

Yea. I am getting the short end of the stick. But, when you love someone...what do you do?

 

I always thought real love is 50-50 where both people feel like they're getting a great deal/really lucky.

[luvtoto]

I always thought real love is 50-50 where both people feel like they're getting a great deal/really lucky.

If he gave me 50-50. I would be in heaven, but I can't force him to commit. He has also made comments that he wished that I was the mother of his kids..instead of 'Super Bitch'.

 

Well, he can't get over me & I can't get over him. We're screwed.

[BeFree]

Hey good for you! My only advice is not to discuss your dates with other men to him. Men get fired up by the mystery more than anything. Let him know that as long as he is too busy you may date other men, but don't tell him about your dates or how they went. let him wonder!

[MadDog]

If he gave me 50-50. I would be in heaven, but I can't force him to commit. He has also made comments that he wished that I was the mother of his kids..instead of 'Super Bitch'.

 

Well, he can't get over me & I can't get over him. We're screwed.

 

Some people just don't feel like they deserve to be 100% happy I guess. What can I do?

[luvtoto]

Hey good for you! My only advice is not to discuss your dates with other men to him. Men get fired up by the mystery more than anything. Let him know that as long as he is too busy you may date other men, but don't tell him about your dates or how they went. let him wonder!

Haha! I know! After I told him that the guy wasn't my type...I was like "doh!". I shared too much.

[Touche]

I always thought real love is 50-50 where both people feel like they're getting a great deal/really lucky.

 

Funny, but I always thought it was supposed to be 100-100. You're not getting nearly 100% of him. I think it's ridiculous that he sees marrying as a form of betrayal towards his kids. BS! What did he call the divorce? Sheesh!

 

I think you're handling it really well. Keep your options open and let this immature man pout all he wants. You're doing nothing wrong. If he were willing to commit you wouldn't be out dating. It's HIS choice. He's made that choice so now he must live with the consequences. I'd be doing just what you're doing. Never show him it bothers you. I wouldn't flaunt the fact that you're dating but I wouldn't hide it either if he asks. And I'd continue to not be so available or return calls right away.

 

He might just have a change of heart. And if he doesn't..his loss. Many MEN have stood up to their ex-wives. He doesn't sound like a man. And by the way, those kind of ex-wives usually..almost always...back down IF they're stood up to. He's obviously not ready or willing to do that for you.

 

You're doing the right thing. Let him pout.

[luvtoto]

Some people just don't feel like they deserve to be 100% happy I guess. What can I do?

Oh, come on MD...help me out.

 

I have tried to be happy with other men. Just don't feel the spark with them that I feel with him. I was ready to marry this man.

 

By the way, I have in the past had a couple face-to-face confrontations with his X-wife. She is a bitter witch. She can't stand the idea of him moving on. But, on the other hand, she has re-married & has moved on, I think.

 

I've even dated a guy that knew him already from racing. They used to be rivals at the motocross track.

 

Last summer, I showed up at the track to be with this new guy, and whenever I was alone, D would come up and talk to me. He kept trying to get me to go over to where his trailer was. Anything to get me away from the new guy. I completely ignored him. The more I ignored him, the more he wanted me. He finally gave up.

 

I don't know if his feelings for me are true. They must be. He wouldn't chase me for 3 freaking years for nothing.. would he?

[luvtoto]

Another thing...

 

When he was young, his dad used to take him racing. He got really good at it. He almost became professional. That was until his dad remarried. His new step-mom ruined everything. His dad dedicated himself to his new wife and kids. Leaving him behind. He swears that he will never do that to his son.

 

His son is a racer now, with sponsors. They spend almost every weekend racing now. No time for me..and I don't get invited to go. This is their time.

 

I can't compete with his kids and his childhood experiences.

[MadDog]

Just make sure you won't have any regrets 5, 10, 20 years down the line. That's all one can do in life--live it so you don't have any regrets.

[luvtoto]

Just make sure you won't have any regrets 5, 10, 20 years down the line. That's all one can do in life--live it so you don't have any regrets.

I am going to seriously ponder that statement. Thanks, MD. I have alot of thinking to do.

[luvtoto]

Funny' date=' but I always thought it was supposed to be 100-100. You're not getting nearly 100% of him. I think it's ridiculous that he sees marrying as a form of betrayal towards his kids. BS! What did he call the divorce? Sheesh![/quote']

I know. I told him last year, after our last fall out, to never call me again unless he seeks counseling. Well, he found out from a friend, that I fell on the ice this last winter, and he called to see how I was doing. He keeps a pretty close eye on me.

 

I think you're handling it really well. Keep your options open and let this immature man pout all he wants. You're doing nothing wrong. If he were willing to commit you wouldn't be out dating. It's HIS choice. He's made that choice so now he must live with the consequences. I'd be doing just what you're doing. Never show him it bothers you. I wouldn't flaunt the fact that you're dating but I wouldn't hide it either if he asks. And I'd continue to not be so available or return calls right away.

He always tells me he takes full blame for our problems. He's never hurt me intentionally or said one bad thing to me. He's a really good guy. His family just has this 'SUPER' hold on him. It would be easier to walk away from him, but I admire his dedication to his kids. I wish I had a parent growing up in my home, that cared that much about me. Also, wish my kids had a dedicated dad like him. How can I walk away from a man that I respect & love?

 

He might just have a change of heart. And if he doesn't..his loss. Many MEN have stood up to their ex-wives. He doesn't sound like a man. And by the way' date=' those kind of ex-wives usually..almost always...back down IF they're stood up to. He's obviously not ready or willing to do that for you.[/quote']

I completely understand what you are saying, Touche'. But, at the same time, I've seen men that abandon their first family to move on to make a new family with someone else. Case in point, my parents...both sets of them.

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences? What kind of regrets am I looking at years down the road? I am too blind to see any at this point. Can someone please point some out for me.

 

I keep thinking of that movie 'Legends of the Fall' with Brad Pitt. He finally worked through his troubles and came back ready and willing to the woman he left behind. Only to find her married & moved on. She didn't have the patience to wait for him. She had to then watch him move on with someone else and get married...all along knowing that she was still in love with him and it could have been her.

 

The only regret that I can see myself making, would be to move on with someone else while still being in love with him.

 

Sorry, that this post is long. I guess I am trying to figure this out online.

[Walk]

The only regret that I can see myself making, would be to move on with someone else while still being in love with him.

 

That would be regretful. Not only cheating yourself, but also the person you "moved on to".

 

Legends of the fall.. That's the one where she got pissy and married the first guy that proposed because brad pitt told her to move on and leave him alone... then he comes storming back into town on his white horse to reclaim his woman, finds out she's married, and moves on to the next girl without a moments thought? That one?

 

You honestly feel this portrays the type of love you would like in your life? I'm not trying to be critical of you, but you may want to evaluate how realistic your views are. I really didn't see that as the "great love story" your attempting to make it out to be. I saw it as a man who wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it, and walked away when it suited him. Thats not love to me... that's selfish. When you love someone you help them grow, support them physicaly and emotional in the ways you can, encourage them to find happiness... Not come around ever so often, piss on the tree to mark your territory and then take off again.

 

There's a level of independence necessary between two people.. If you are comfortable with this, and it is beneficial to you, then I see no problem in it. The problem comes with the fact that what you admire and seem to love about him are all the things he denies to you. His dedication to his children and family, dedication to his sons goals, time spent with his family... etc. All those things you said you admired, aren't things he gives to you.

 

If you're happy with the situation, then you're making the right choice. But I think if you really want more from this relationship, then delaying making a choice because of a fear of losing him is going to cause you to regret wasting years of your life on a man you'll never change. That is where the woman in legends of the fall went wrong. She allowed fate to carry her instead of fighting for what she truly wanted in life. And in doing so, she felt she lost out on something. That is what I think you will regret later in life. The not making a decision about your own life, and allowing someone else to have control of it.

[luvtoto]

That would be regretful. Not only cheating yourself, but also the person you "moved on to".

 

Legends of the fall.. That's the one where she got pissy and married the first guy that proposed because brad pitt told her to move on and leave him alone... then he comes storming back into town on his white horse to reclaim his woman, finds out she's married, and moves on to the next girl without a moments thought? That one?

 

You honestly feel this portrays the type of love you would like in your life? I'm not trying to be critical of you, but you may want to evaluate how realistic your views are. I really didn't see that as the "great love story" your attempting to make it out to be. I saw it as a man who wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it, and walked away when it suited him. Thats not love to me... that's selfish. When you love someone you help them grow, support them physicaly and emotional in the ways you can, encourage them to find happiness... Not come around ever so often, piss on the tree to mark your territory and then take off again.

 

There's a level of independence necessary between two people.. If you are comfortable with this, and it is beneficial to you, then I see no problem in it. The problem comes with the fact that what you admire and seem to love about him are all the things he denies to you. His dedication to his children and family, dedication to his sons goals, time spent with his family... etc. All those things you said you admired, aren't things he gives to you.

 

If you're happy with the situation, then you're making the right choice. But I think if you really want more from this relationship, then delaying making a choice because of a fear of losing him is going to cause you to regret wasting years of your life on a man you'll never change. That is where the woman in legends of the fall went wrong. She allowed fate to carry her instead of fighting for what she truly wanted in life. And in doing so, she felt she lost out on something. That is what I think you will regret later in life. The not making a decision about your own life, and allowing someone else to have control of it.

 

Walk, your point of view about my situation really hit home with me. You are very wise...or I am just an idiot.

 

I have been relying a little too much on fate to run my life, I agree. I keep thinking that someday, someday he will commit. I was/am leaving myself open for that day, too. Can you say sucker?

 

I feel angry with him now.

 

Why would he think he can have his cake and eat it, too? How convenient for him, I must say.

 

I wouldn't know love if it kicked me in the ass and said, "Here I am!".

[luvtoto]

That is what I think you will regret later in life. The not making a decision about your own life, and allowing someone else to have control of it.

this brought tears to my eyes. I have some decisions to make.

[Touche]

completely understand what you are saying, Touche'. But, at the same time, I've seen men that abandon their first family to move on to make a new family with someone else. Case in point, my parents...both sets of them.

 

Well that obviously is not the right way. It doesn't have to be one way or the other. There IS a happy medium. My husband divorced his first wife. They had a son together. Then he married me and we had a son. Did he abandon his son to start a new family? NO! We had him (he's in college now) every other week for one week at a time. I mean how often does he see his kids now that they're divorced? Marriage shouldn't change that arrangement. See what I mean? He's handing you a line of BS.

 

MANY divorced men go on to re-marry and stay in their kids lives the same as they did when divorced. He just doesn't want to commit. My ex-husband had the same deal...joint custody. That didn't change when we got married. So re-marriage does NOT have to equal abandonment.

 

Your parents obviously didn't handle things well. Children should NEVER be pushed aside.

 

Look, if he's that good a guy, continue to see him but leaving your options open. And I'd be upfront about that with him. Tell him you're looking for more of a commitment and you understand that he won't give you that. I'd tell him that's fine. I enjoy your company and will see you when it's good for both of us but in the meantime I'm not going to cut off all my options for you. And then I'd say "I'm sure you can understand that." Period and end of story.

 

This really is a no-brainer Toto. Stop beating yourself up for wanting what is reasonable.