Walk Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 I have a tendency to be thin-skinned and defensive. But I've worked really hard to be less defensive and not jump to conclusions so quickly without asking what's going on first. Lately my bf's comments/jokes have been really harsh. I know he's frustrated about work, and he's not in the best physcial health. He's worried about bills, and I think my graduating is scaring him because his ex left him the day after she graduated from college. But he's been making jokes about how boring I am in bed, how he'd rather do anything other then have sex with me, I was too much work, cost too much money, and was generally a nuasance. And that it would be cheaper and easier to buy a sex doll then have a gf. 9 times outta 10 he'll make a joke that sounds really harsh, but isn't because his actions show it isn't how he feels. And usually it's only to bring to light an irony of the difference between men and women and there's no harm intended. He follows it with a touch, or smile, or some indication theres no ill will involved. But these jokes lately have not seemed like jokes, and they hurt. Yesterday I was feeling really insecure. Combination of gaining weight, PMS, and feeling overwhelmed by school and other obligations. I was overly needy, and ended up being annoying to him. He got upset with me. Asked me why I didn't stop when he asked me to the first three times. (I feel he gave mixed signals, but that's another story) I attempted to explain how I was feeling insecure and upset, but did a terrible job of it. He said I was being irrational. I tried again, but he said that was irrational too. I stopped talking, and then he got mad that I stopped talking to him. So now he isn't speaking to me. My question... how do I acknowledge my actions were wrong, without giving up my right to feel how I did. I want him to understand he contributed to the situation, and hopefully allow him to see his comments need to be brought forth differently if he's having a problem. I want to set my boundary on this, but I understand he feels I crossed his boundary first. So how do I bring up my concern, while addressing and validating his, and come to a workable solution? I feel like he's going to discount everything I say because he feels that I discounted his feelings first. So everything I'll say is only an excuse to cover up my wrong doing. That's what I think will happen. That I'm reasoning out my actions by saying his comments affected me, and therefore I don't have to change because I'm not at fault. And a part of me feels I'm not at fault. But obviously I am, or he wouldn't feel I crossed a line yesterday. Kind of that 2 wrongs don't make a right philosophy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to communicate my thoughts without making it seem as though I'm placing all blame on him? And that I'm not just making excuses for my behavior, but am attempting to address a specific action that affected me negatively. Friggin' wish I could just write a letter and not have to say it. I get all confused, and frustrated, and defensive, and all logical thought goes out the window. And I don't want to take all the blame on this just to keep the peace. But I can't really address his problem unless we aren't fighting, and I'm beginning to believe he won't address mine until his are met first. But how do I get him to understand I did have a logical reason for reacting how I did, if he doesn't feel I should've been hurt by his jokes? Any suggestions? I'm all ears.
JadeStar Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Dang walk sorry you''re going through this right now. I really don't have much advice for you on the matter. But I do think what he has said to you is harsh. I have heard that sometimes when people say something, and they pass it off as a joking, it can actaully mean how they really feel, but they they do it in a jokin manner cuz they don't know how to say what they need to say in a straight forward way, so they pass it off as a joke. Then again it might be what he says it is, a joke. However, joking or not those are not nice things at all. Maybe he is afraid you will leave like his last g/f did after graduating and feels by saying those things he will beat you to the punch so to speak. Just my 2 cents. Jade
Author Walk Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 Yea... I've thought about that. I know his worst "jokes" aren't jokes, but his way of bringing up a problem. I've talked to him about this before, and he's been great for several months. It's just this past two weeks. Old habits die hard I guess. Then I fall into my old pattern of being hurt and defensive... and around and around we go... I need to find a way to nip this in the bud though, and with the least harm to either of us. Just not sure how to strike a good balance of give and take.
phyrespryte Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Yesterday I was feeling really insecure. Combination of gaining weight, PMS, and feeling overwhelmed by school and other obligations. I was overly needy, and ended up being annoying to him. He got upset with me. Asked me why I didn't stop when he asked me to the first three times. (I feel he gave mixed signals, but that's another story) I attempted to explain how I was feeling insecure and upset, but did a terrible job of it. He said I was being irrational. I tried again, but he said that was irrational too. I stopped talking, and then he got mad that I stopped talking to him. So now he isn't speaking to me. That's not really fair of him. You weren't being irrational, you just weren't feeling well. I think that you just need to summarize everything your feeling into one sentence when you try to talk to him. Like...I get that you're just joking around, but I'm not in the mood right now for it. I had a similar problem with a guy I worked with. (I know totally not the same) And when I was just blunt with him he backed off with the jokes. He still teases me, but he knows what I won't put up with and he's a bit more cautious. I don't really know your whole situation with him, but I don't think you should put up with those kind of jokes. That would piss me off. Why don't you throw them back at him? Or the next time he tries that crap just give him this confused look...like I hope you didn't really say that.
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