Sand&Water Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 The appropriate time has finally come up for me to ask out this particular guy I’ve had my eye on all year. [Read: “How to deal with a crush?”] However as easy as it may sound, asking a guy out is extremely frightening and nerve-racking for me. Simply put, I’ve never asked out a guy. I have no clue where to start or how to approach him. Lately, I’ve tried to express hints for him to understand that I’m interested in him but so far I don’t know what would be considered interest coming from his side. I’m totally lost in picking up interest from the opposite sex. I was thinking of asking him out for coffee after finals, but I don’t know how to go about doing this. I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend/serious relationship. What if it turns out he has a girlfriend? I would look like a fool standing there like a puppet kidding myself... then he’ll think lowly of me, embarrassing? I was thinking of waiting till after finals and ask him to coffee via e-mail. But I’ve heard it’s a big no-no to use this method, is it true? I’m terrified to the core of getting rejected. To be honest, I just don’t know if he’s that "into me". All I want is just one chance to hang out and get to know him. What should I do? How do I ask him? Any examples of a one-on-one (hypothetical) conversation to bring up the idea of coffee? Maybe I should just forget about this and move on? PS ::: I’m very close to giving up, since I’m too shell-shocked of the consequences, the awkwardness, and the thoughts he might have of me. Any insightful thoughts/ideas are welcome. Thank you for reading.
Mary3 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 What hints or clues do you have that tell you he is interested in you ? If you are puzzled and not sure , the best way , is to say " Hey John, Did you see the movie ______ yet ? I heard its great . Would you like to go this weekend and see it together ? " Then sit back and wait. But remember men like to do the persuing....I have asked guys out so its pretty natural because I am ballsy , lol. And guys Love it ! But then if they are interested they like to chase ....remember that.
jerbear Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Just be yourself and ask him. Don't give up and move on just yet. If you don't say a thing, it is a no. If you ask, at least there is a chance. As a guy, I had a few women come up to talk to me to strike up conversation. Remember us guys need to be bashed in the head once in awhile and be told that "hey I'm interested in you, I'm asking you out on a date to go see a movie" You get your response hen.
Author Sand&Water Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 Thanks for your responses, Mary3 and Jerbear. Well here is the thing that makes this all the more difficult: The reason he can’t go chasing after me, is because I’m the student and he’s the teacher. It is, only, when I complete the course along with final exams that anything can happen. I’m just not sure about this whole situation, and I really don’t want to kid myself about something that is just not there, if you know what I mean. Plus, like I said, I’ve thought about neglecting the whole idea of asking him and move on. Anyways, you tell me whether or not these hints/clues saying something about his interest: •Sometimes he’d glance right into my direction, we’d lock eyes for a split second and we’d both look away. •Last time I saw him, I was sitting on a chair with my legs crossed. At some point during class he turned his body so that, now, both our bodies were facing each other and our feet headed in the same direction. Body language? •One time, I asked him a question regarding the course (it was only me and him in the room) and he quickly sat up on the table with one leg up and we proceeded to talk. Awkward sitting position, or what?? •Sometimes when I smile, he’ll look in my direction for a brief second. •Last but not least we, both, have great amount of respect for each other. That’s what I can come up with so far, maybe there is more I can’t quite recall right now. The thing is not about trying to be myself when I do ask him (I don’t kid myself, I act the way I normally am) but its about the idea he might develop that I saw all these signals as something more romantic, when instead he was just being nice – in a friendly manner.
Mary3 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Body language is everything ( ! ) and your teacher really likes you ! You have all the gestures of someone matching your movements and showing interest in you. Here's the thing though : I would get through finals and then persue something if its what you both want. Can you imagine going on a date with him and then trying to concentrate in his class ? I also don't know the rules regarding dating the teacher. I say just relax and enjoy his friendship for now. Later you can both persue something if thats where you both want to go...
Author Sand&Water Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Thank you for your reply, Mary3, it means a lot to me! He's not the professor, just a graduate student that teaches part of the course. So there is some commonality. And, yes I'm well aware that whatever happens is only after finals. The strange thing is, a few weeks ago I had a dream about him. It was a bizarre but good dream. It surprised me tremendously since I rarely, if ever, dream about someone I like. It seems that my dream tells me something, and my conscious mind says something else, but there are similarities. Do dreams really reveal the subconscious attention? Warning about what's yet to come?
jerbear Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Thank you for your reply, Mary3, it means a lot to me! He's not the professor, just a graduate student that teaches part of the course. So there is some commonality. And, yes I'm well aware that whatever happens is only after finals. The strange thing is, a few weeks ago I had a dream about him. It was a bizarre but good dream. It surprised me tremendously since I rarely, if ever, dream about someone I like. It seems that my dream tells me something, and my conscious mind says something else, but there are similarities. Do dreams really reveal the subconscious attention? Warning about what's yet to come? For dreams and the subconscious, well many will debate my view. My opinion and in my cases, my dreams and subconscious actually helped guide me. My details on a thread I started. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84627/ I would not use the dreams to deal with what is to come as in future but deal with your current issues. Issues like something bothering you. I do agree with Mary3 to wait till after finals. I'm a grad student, work in business environment, that would cause a conflict of interests. Wait till after finals.
Mary3 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I think that dreams are unfinished thoughts during the day....You think about him and you are dreaming now about him. Your mind is thinking about him even while you sleep. Enjoy your new friend !
Author Sand&Water Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Thank you, both for your input. Good to hear from you guys. I suppose I should pay more attention to body language, since it is a key factor. It's tough, sometimes, to determine whether a guy is really worth asking out? I've yet to discover this. It would really be sour, if he was only looking at me because I look, act, or say odd and weird things. Non-appealing indeed. If I notice that his gestures are expressing negative or platonic notions, then I'll back off... and re-evaluate. And, yes, I'm trying to enjoy my new friend. How long is too long, when asking him (after finals)? A week? or Right away? If I do wait a week, then the only way to contact him will be through e-mail. In this case, it would not be pleasant but rather childish. But If I ask him right after, it would seem like I'm desperate. Plus, he will be marking exams (I think) for the course at this time, and so technically if I was to ask him, it will affect his marking. Hence, this might be a violation of his work status. I'm just not too sure about the policy regarding teacher-student relation.
jerbear Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I'm going to propose a safer step. Right after your TA says the papers have been graded and posted. Goto his office or call him up and talk to him. The email well, no point asking someone out over email, in my book.
Mary3 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 There are so many things to factor in when you are evaluating a person that you would consider spending time with. His emotional maturity. His character. His values and beliefs. You will learn these things in spending quality time with him. I would not hesitate to let him know that you enjoy his company and would like to get to know him better. After finals would be perfect. He clearly likes you. I don't see a rejection coming up here
daisyduke1234 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Sorry to rain on this, but from what you've said, he just kind of sounds passionate about what he is teaching. I don't think there are any real indicators that he does like you - is he like this with his other students? I'm not trying to be funny or anything, just looking at this from a different persepctive. Do you think you could possibly be over analysing the body language thing. Also, has he actually spoken to you on a personal level rather than on an academic one - this would give a lot away as well. I personally can't see the problem with emailing a friend and asking him out for coffee - a lot less stress than doing it face to face, at least that way if he does say no, you've not got the embarassment of him telling you to your face. I have to say I'm not so sure about this one.
Author Sand&Water Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Thank you for your reply daisyduke1234, and again Mary3. I'm very confused, right now. I just don't know what to do, and its causing a headache. You make a good point in your post, daisyduke1234. I've thought several times about what you've mentioned, and I honestly don't know. The interest is pretty weak. But then again, Mary3, said that this could work afterall. I'm a very shy person, at times, and so this might give off a 'non-approachable' vibe. Which is the best option: to ask him face-to-face, or via e-mail? What do you think Mary3 ? "He clearly likes you. I don't see a rejection coming up here" - Mary3 I want to believe this so much. I think it might be farfetched from the truth. Thank You
Vicereine Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I know how it is to be shy so my opinion is if it is enough that it would prevent you to ask him out face to face or via phone, then through email is better than not at all. If that is the only way to contact him after finals then by all means use that as your excuse for emailing.
daisyduke1234 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Hi again - I hope my post didn't come across as too negative. You're in a similar situation to one that I find myself also in at the moment, except I've been reading different kind of signals with the guy that I think could like me - sending me romantic love songs over email and asking me to go watch a sunset with him. Like you, I just don't know whether I am reading too much into things or whether he is being friendly. Like you, I am also very shy. However, I too was going round and round in circles analysing this that and the other and decided I had to ask him out indirectly. I just sent him an email to say - kept it very lighthearted - that i had a week off, would be in town and wondered whether he'd like to meet up for a coffee or go see a film. However, he replied saying as much as he would like to and he really would, he has GP doctor exams in less than three weeks time and has a lot of revision he needs to do, needed to be firm with himself and hoped I understood. So, I'm still none the wiser really. I guess what you really need to do at the moment is concentrate on getting through your course, passing your exams and then see what happens afterwards. Perhaps before you leave the course, say it would be good to keep in touch so you can let him know how you're getting on, although I think you already have his email address? Personally I'd still go for the email option. Also, do you actually know anything about this guy - like whether he has a partner or not?
Author Sand&Water Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Vicereine and Daisyduke1234. I appreciate your contribution, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Like I said before, asking him out face to face is not the best option since the interest level is weak, jagged and vague. I’ll not gain anything via this method; only cause a very uncomfortable situation. Plus, he doesn’t have an office nor does he have office hours. Hence, it would be almost impossible to meet him sometime after finals. That being said, I’m left with e-mailing him. I’m not very fond of e-mailing, since it doesn’t express natural human nature, be it physical, emotional, or verbal. The tricky thing is I haven’t been e-mailing him a whole lot during the last few months, so when he does receive an e-mail from me… " he’ll definitely be surprised, and possibly just brush it off ". Either way, it’s my loss. My best bet is to e-mail him. As for what you mentioned daisyduke1234, I have not seen a girlfriend with him during the times I’ve come in contact with him. It is possible that he has a girlfriend outside of school. You never know, and I don’t know for certain. All I can say, that I’ve not seen sightings of him with a girlfriend. I’m well aware that this can only happen after finals, and that’s the way I want it. I’ve, yet, to learn more about him so I can’t go around making false assumptions about him, with the little knowledge I have. Anyways, I’ll try my best to come up with a light-hearted e-mail that isn’t too tense. Although I have to admit that my interest has faded a little, due to the length of thinking, and disturbed confusion. I have the worst luck with guys. I’m probably going to be single for the next 5 years. PS::: I know that, me being shy, adds great complexity to the situation, and most guys just don't know how to handle circumstances like this. But he's too nice of guy to challenge the situation, and pursue someone like me. Is he intimidated by my looks? Okay I'm getting ahed of myself, so I guess he won't bother.
jerbear Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I have the worst luck with guys. I’m probably going to be single for the next 5 years. I doubt it. PS::: I know that, me being shy, adds great complexity to the situation, and most guys just don't know how to handle circumstances like this. But he's too nice of guy to challenge the situation, and pursue someone like me. Is he intimidated by my looks? Okay I'm getting ahed of myself, so I guess he won't bother. Graduate students have alot of studies to deal with. It requires alot of resolve to have a relationship and deal with classes. So emailing him is not a problem if that is the only method. I just hope it is not a hot for teacher crush.
Author Sand&Water Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Graduate students have alot of studies to deal with. It requires alot of resolve to have a relationship and deal with classes. Yes, that's true. I understand his schedule and school circumstances, but in no way would I pressure anyone, in his shoes, to do anything out of their comfort zone. By the way, you're assuming a relationship will develop. There is 50/50 chance for acceptance to occur (maybe even less than that). I just hope it is not a hot for teacher crush. What do you mean by this?
ddnnee Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 you should date your teacher right now! he may grade you easier... and u gain special benefits!
jerbear Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Good luck on emailing him. What do you mean by this? In regards to hot for teacher crush, there are times where a crush develops for someone of a higher position, authority figure, ie teacher, mentor, or "power broker".
Author Sand&Water Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 you should date your teacher right now! he may grade you easier... and u gain special benefits! Yes, and possibly get expelled for it. That's the way to go. In regards to hot for teacher crush, there are times where a crush develops for someone of a higher position, authority figure, ie teacher, mentor, or "power broker". You're thinking of high school kids. That's not the case at all. It's not a crush, and I don't like to label as such. Rather, its beyond and far inbetween that description. I actually wish there wasn't that higher position status, because I don't fall for guys with an authoritive figure. I just like his creatively-wired brain.
jerbear Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 You're thinking of high school kids. That's not the case at all. It's not a crush, and I don't like to label as such. Rather, its beyond and far inbetween that description. I actually wish there wasn't that higher position status, because I don't fall for guys with an authoritive figure. I just like his creatively-wired brain. I'm not in high school, I am in grad school and sometimes I still have hots for the TA.
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