AriaIncognito Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Ok. So I've been seeing someone for about a month now. We have a great time together. We spend countless hours talking in person and over the phone or online. When we are together, we are usually attached in some way. We get along great, seem to have similar goals, sense of humor, etc. When we first started dating, he was hesitant because he is Jewish and I am not. He has always assumed he'd marry into the faith. While he's not practicing, he still assumes he'd want to raise his children in the faith. I'm not practicing in my religion either, but I also don't think I'd have an issue with raising children Jewish, if that was the only thing that we couldn't find a middle ground on. So, at first he was apprehensive due to that and I assume he still could be, but I guess my question is, how do I proceed? I've obviously let myself fall for him in many ways, but I realize it's still early on and we are still learning about eachother. We went out on a few dates, one of them dinner and a movie then ended up sitting in my car for 5 hours, talking, kissing, etc. (yes it's very high school - we just happened to not really be near anyone's place). After that date, we went out 2 days later and were together for like 12 hours. During that date he mentioned being confused because he feels himself not letting go, not allowing himself to feel more. After that date, we had a talk and decided to lighten up. Well, that didn't last. Within 3 days of then, we saw eachother again and had another long date. (neither of us are getting much sleep lately) After that we had another a few days later, and he ended up staying over. We had a very nice time just being together. (didn't do the deed because i dont wanna confuse things more at this juncture). Saw him again a few days later (last night) and he was with me til 5am (when we both have work in the AM - see, we are insane). So, I guess the obvious is the question. He seems to say one thing, but act in a total different way. He keeps in touch daily, when we are together he's always very close to me, etc but then he doesn't seem willing to decide this relationship is exactly that, a relationship. Am I just being stupid in letting him keep going while confused? Should I be pushing him away or distancing myself so that he can figure out what it is he feels regarding me? I mean, I know he likes me, he tells me such. I know he finds me attractive, caring, attentive, successful, funny, etc, he's told me so. So, how is it that a man that is so caring and attentive and great with me, so afraid to let himself fall more? I dont think it's a commitment thing, he was in a 4 year relationship until January of 2005. I asked him if he was apprehensive because he thought I'd hurt him and he said no. Can this all be over the confusion regarding religion? I've actually mentioned to him that I'm open minded regarding that, and have even mentioned some things I'd learned regarding interfaith families and the ability to raise a child jewish without a jewish mother (as the reformed jewish community recognizes a child to be jewish as long as the child has at least 1 jewish parent and is raised in the jewish faith/traditions). He seems appreciative of the fact that I've been putting effort into understand our options. Anyway, I know I've rambled, but hopefully someone on here has some experience (hopefully positive ones lol) with this type of situation. Thanks for reading and have a great day all! Jennifer
whats wrong with me Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 dont know but maybe someone else will...bumping your thread
noclobber Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Hi Jen, I really think that you should have a heart-to-heart talk with this guy and know exactly what he wants. I have had a similar experience only in my case the genders are reversed. I have a close female friend that is Jewish. From the way she talked and behaved I assumed that she was interested in me and asked her out late last year. But she rejected me and the next day she said "You are not my type. I will only marry a Jew". I am from India and I am a Hindu. I was obviously shocked to hear that but nevertheless accepted her rejection. Atleast she was straight-forward and didn't lead me on. We are continuing as friends but it is not like a normal friendship. It has all the components of a relationship except the romance. I feel like I am her 'pseudo-boyfriend' hahaha. I just trying to keep a distance with this woman. In your case you have already got a bit intimate with him. If I were you I wouldn't allow this to continue anymore without knowing for sure what his intentions are. I mean, what's the use of dating somebody that says they won't marry outside their religion? Save your feelings and emotions and date somebody that is more liberal. Good luck!
riobikini Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Ariawoman, I wish I could get my recent experience with a commitment-phobe out of my head so I could answer you without declaring your partner as one, but I can't seem to, so I'm probably not going to be of much help here. I keep seeing the hesitancy to deepen the relationship through my, perhaps, jaded eyes and it keeps coming up commitment-phobia, from my view. It could be the issue with religion -sometimes those are such extremely volatile issues in a relationship, but with more and more people, those issues are being settled intelligently through compromise, or by one or the other adopting their partner's faith. Another possibility -and only you would have the info- has he been in a relationship before becoming involved with you, where he might not quite be 'over' the person? Or, further possibility, -he may simply be one of those men who takes f-o-r-e-v-e-r to mull over and weigh the pros and cons of getting into a serious relationship because of past experiences, or his natural, routine method of proceeding towards anything. I'm sure there will be more possibilities to appear in this thread for you. But as the above poster said, -it's best to sit down and talk it over...that way, the questions get answered sooner...and right from the source. -Rio
luvtoto Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Anyway, I know I've rambled, but hopefully someone on here has some experience (hopefully positive ones lol) with this type of situation. Yes, I have experienced this with men. What I was doing wrong was testing the relationship too quickly. Some men...not all...do not respond to 'pressure-packed' expectations. It's only been a month and a few dates that you've shared with him. He may be feeling pressure. Some men and (even woman...I am one!!) do not respond to that and he will hold back his feelings. I mean, he's still getting used to you because this is a brand new relationship. Maybe, he doesn't exactly know for sure what he is feeling. Let him develop these feelings at his own pace, not yours. Asking questions and putting him on the spot so early on in the relationship will only keep him at a distance. He's not ready yet. Give him space. No more questions. If he's moving at a pace that's much slower than yours...it's okay to break off the relationship and look for someone who is more ready for what you are looking for.
noclobber Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 luvtoto, I think her problem is not the pace of the relationship but rather his religious preferences.
luvtoto Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 luvtoto, I think her problem is not the pace of the relationship but rather his religious preferences. Well, It seems as though he's already willing to cross that line.
luvtoto Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 My point was that the religion preference should be overlooked at the onset of the relationship because it's been less than a month. Bringing up such a commitment-type (jewish babies...families) discussion so early on may scare him off or make him hesitant. However...eventully, it needs to be given some serious thought especially if marriage is a part of their future plan.
Author AriaIncognito Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Thanks to all who have replied so far, I really do appreciate it... We just spent the past day together (last night til today). Had a great time as always. I'm not sure that he's a commitment phobe, I think he's just one to ponder things and whatnot, as one of you had mentioned. I agree that if it's a religion issue it obviously can't be taken too lightly. I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him, and I haven't. I'm doing my best to keep my head as straight as i can, and if it gets to be too much to the point where i want more than he does, well then I'd need to end it. (however it's defined) For now, it's been a lot of fun. We have great chemistry so far, and I'd like to just see where it goes, if anywhere. If not, well then I met/dated another great guy. Hopefully, there will be a happy ending, whatever that may be.
riobikini Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I also wish you happiness. Take care, ariawoman. (Smile) -Rio
luvtoto Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Great! I am glad for you.... No need to make it complicated if it doesn't need to be. Maybe everything will work itself out.
Author AriaIncognito Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Well it's been a few weeks since I started this thread, and the religion thing is rearing it's head again. He's stressed out over "internal conflicts" he said, in the religious arena. It doesn't appear to be due to his beliefs entirely, mostly that of his parents. Apparently they expect him to not marry outside the faith. I know I can't and shouldn't make him change his mind on the subject, and I should only hope he'll come to the conclusion himself that I'm someone worth his time and trouble, but of course the woman in me wants to try to "win" him. I know, I can't. I know it has to be something he decides, in his time. It's just, frustrating. We have such a great time together. We seem to have a great connection in general. When we are together it seems insane that hours pass and we don't get bored. We truly have something I've not had in a long time, if ever. I'm apprehensive to just let it go without a fight. I know I don't have a choice in the matter, as you can't make someone stay, but boy, do I wish I could somehow understand what it is he is feeling. I guess I'm just venting. I'm frustrated. I'm falling for someone, and it's painful to realize it could end over the fact that I happened to be born with non-jewish blood. His parents live 3000 miles away, too, to top it all off. I've mentioned the idea of conversion and a few other things, but he still seems apprehensive. Am i just being a moron by not wanting to let him go? Jennifer
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