most perplexing situation

[synthia]

At least, ever for me.

 

So here is my situation. I had been dating my bf for about 7 mo. I move in with him. I thought everything was going great. I had been through alot of bad relationships (including two failed marriages) he had been through a few. His longest relationship had been 11 months. I didn't want to think about ever getting married again. I was very very hesitant. But he did everything in his power to convince me of his sincerity. He was very convincing. He convinced me whole heartedly. Then, as soon as I let my defenses down and begin to believe this was the one, he drops a bomb on me. He says he doesn't think he is in love with me. He wanted to be. He wanted our relationship more than anything. He didn't think he would ever find someone as compatible. He was still attracted to me, he still enjoyed spending time with me, we still had a great time together, he still loved me but he wasn't sure if he loved me "like that" anymore.

 

We didn't break up right away. It was about a month later that I moved out. I didn't talk to him for about a week. I was in total devastation. Then I emailed him when I felt like I could without crying just to say hi and see how he was doing. He called me. We made plans to go see a movie. the movie didn't happen. I went to his house, we talked, ended up sleeping together. But we weren't back together. After that, we talked almost every day. If he didn't call me, I would call him. If a couple of days went by and he didn't hear from me, he'd call me. We decided we were "casually dating." He still wants the option to be able to see other people. He knows I'm not going to see anyone else any time soon, and he is being as delicate as possible when it comes to him seeing other people. He knows my state of mind and that I know I'm in love with him. He has told me he doesn't want me to give up on him. He doesn't want me to "give up hope on him." He hopes that one day he will want to be with me again. He said he doesn't want a monogamous relationship right now, but if he did it would be with me.

 

this past week, we had a pregnancy scare. I had a positive result on a home pregnancy test. This really messed with him. Suddenly he, being the logical one, knew it would be bad if I was, but at the same time, he had already picked out a name by the time I went to the doctor. He started thinking about having a son, he said he didn't want to get back together just because of this, it would be the wrong reasons, but then he started thinking about a family and being a dad. When the doctor told us I was not pregnant, he cried. He said he felt a sense of relief, but also very disappointed. He came and spent the day with me that day. We had a great day together, it was just like old times. Then he left suddenly. When I called him later to make sure he was okay, he said he knew I was going through all sorts of emotions, and so was he. He didn't want to rehash them by talking to me about what he was going through. He wasn't even sure what was going through his mind. I needed to give him some time to get through the emotions.

 

Through all of this, he still does not want me to give up, he still does not want to get completely back together, but he still wants me in his life, and now I don't know what is going through his head. That last conversation was at about 3am.

 

I can't move on. Especially when he is in such a state of confusion and confusing me so much. This past week was the roughest with the possible pregnancy and all. I believe so much in him and he is such a good man. I can't say anything bad about him except he is confused and leaving me in a constant state of limbo. Any advice? Should I just wait? Should I stop talking to him? Friends have told me I should go on a date with someone else, see if it bothers him. That seems petty to me, I hate games. I haven't lied one time to him or tried to use weird psychological tricks on him. I never liked games. He knows exactly where I stand, but at the same time, knowing I am here waiting for him makes me feel like I'm making it too easy for him to do whatever he wants, knowing I'll be here when he wants me.

 

I just need a little peace of mind. I don't want to cry anymore. to reiterate, he still cares greatly for me, still attracted to me, still enjoys spending time with me, still thinks he'll never find anybody better, but STILL doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with me. And I'm still in love with him. What do I do?

[Guest]

This sounds like a guy that wants to be able to have his cake and eats it to. He tells you to not give up on him, and has you hold onto a hope that you two might be together again, and then go out with other girls on the side. Plus he is getting free sex from you, so why have anything change?

 

The reason why you can't move on is that you aren't being allowed as well as not allowing yourself to move on. He has you where he wants you, and thats fine with him. Sure having a kid might have made him think about being a daddy and whatnot, but the truth of the matter is that he wasn't even willing to think about getting back together with you being the bother of his unborn child (at the time).

 

I say that you need to stop talking to him and let him work out his time, don't call him, and ignore him if he calls you. Allow yourself time to become "you" again and not just the girl on the side. He hasn't let that get in the way with him since he is happily dating other people, and as long as he knows you are there waiting for him in the shadows he doesn't have to do any sort of commitment.

 

If you were my friend I would say ditch him to the curb and find someone worth your time

[JosiePosie]

This guy is seriously confused and wants you to wait for him. Don't let him do this to you. Look, you are crying and wondering what the heck is going on. Is that love? No, that's drama.

 

Have some dignity and tell this guy to sort himself out somewhere else. If you stick around, he is just going to continue with the same ego bullcrap. And you are not going to get anywhere in life with that kind of drama.

 

He maybe attracted and all that, but his actions are speaking louder than words. If you value yourself enough, than you will tell him to grow up. You deserve nothing but the best. If he can't give it to you, that's his problem, not yours.

[tikigods]

This is a case of a guy wanting his cake and be able to eat it to.

[FONT=Times New Roman]He knows that he has you on a string and that any little pull he does you will move in that direction. He tells you to not give up hope, and then uses you whenever he feels like having a booty call. The baby scare proves that he doesn’t care about you, it was the fact that he might have been a father, the truth of the matter if it was having a child with you then he wouldn’t have run into his old patterns.

 

If I were you I would say cut off all contact with him, he isn’t going to be with just you, and as long as you let him lead you on like this you will never be able to heal or move on with your own life. If he calls ignore him, delete his number, delete him from your life, he is toxic. Its time for you to find someone that’s interested in you and not in just having a booty call. Its time you start living for you instead of some guy that sounds like he could care less

[synthia]

I feel like I have unfairly represented him. Let me clarify some things. First, this is a good man. A very good man. I do not say that lightly. I do not say that to try and justify my situation. His friends are my friends, I knew him for 3 years before we started dating. No one ever has anything bad to say about him. Including me. Everyone thought he had finally found the one when we started dating. He did things for me that, according to everyone else, he had never done in past relationships. He also had a reputation for running away from relationships. He would get scared. He hates change. And a serious relationship, once he realizes that's what it is, represents massive change in his lifestyle. Everyone was surprised when he wanted me to move in with him. Everyone was surprised that he was so serious with me. They thought this was different. So did I. I was very cautious, especially knowing that he never had a long term relationship before. But like I said, I have known him a very long time, and maybe knowing him before we were a couple made the difference. He has never had a break up and stayed friends with an ex. He has been afraid of losing our friendship. He has been afraid of losing me, but at the same time afraid of keeping me. Why am I defending him you might ask, after all the stress and heartache and confusion? Because for once I feel like this is someone worth me defending. He IS a good guy, but a very confused guy. I wasn't writing to hear people tell me he wants his cake and it eat too. I wasn't writing to hear people bash him to make myself feel better. I was writing for genuine advice. No one is a bad guy in this situation. I am not a booty call. I made that clear the first day we started talking again. He doesn't treat me like that. We spend lots of time together with no sex or anything physical involved. There is a difference between sex, love, and friendship. We have a friendship. We do have a love. We have mutual respect for one another. I want to make that clear. I just want advice on how to proceed, to keep the friendship, to clear the confusion in his head, to keep the relationship. Not once has he lied to me. Not once has he done anything sneaky or deceitful. But telling me the truth is hard when he doesn't know the truth.

 

so, having said that, I'm just trying to figure out how to proceed. Should I break contact for a while and let him think. That is hard to do when we all have the same friends, we go to the same places, we hang out with the same people. Should I continue being there for him when he needs to talk, to vent, or someone to hang out with. He calls me after work most nights (he works in a bar) to vent about his bad night. Should I tell him that I want all or nothing? Would that not be an ultimatum? I can't really do that and keep a friendship. So far there is no aggression or animosity between us. We have never had any. I don't know. I just know that for once I found a good man and would really like to keep him.

[loveling]

I understand that you love and respect this man, and do not want to think about him like that, however he sounds like he is a commitment phobic. This is a serious problem, maybe you should look into it.

[synthia]

I am fairly certain he is a commitment phobe. However, in the height of our relationship, aparently he thought about asking me to marry him but was afraid I would say no.

 

How would I look in to something like that? Or help him get over the phobia? he seems so conflicted. Wants to be with me, scared to be with me. I don't know.

 

BTW, he talks about wanting to be able to see other people. Since we broke up, sometime during that first week he slept with someone else, then told me about it because he felt so guilty. He hasn't slept with anyone else since then. It kind of seemed like a grasp for independance that quickly turned into guilt. If he flet guilty about it, even though he broke up with me, and then he had to tell me, and hasn't done it since (it has been about 6 weeks), and I am the only person he is dating right now (casually, no commitment), what does that mean? He's not out there "sowing his seeds" as it were.

[clandestinidad]

I think he has big commitment issues. His longest relationship was 11months, and how old is he??

 

I really feel for you, because youre going through such pain and torture. I've heard of a number of other people doing this type of thing as well. It seems fairly common.

 

In a lot of relationships, one of the partners gets scared about where its going and what everything means, and wants to break up. They deeply care about the person, and see themselves with them in the future, but they arent ready for that future to be NOW.

 

I've seen these cases all pan out in different ways. In some, both partners moved on and dated other people, finding someone else better suited for them. In other cases, I've seen the couple date a few other people and realize that they truly do belong with their ex.

 

I cant say whether or not he is trying to string you along, thats something you should go with your gut about if you feel like he might be. I also cant say that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, since I dont know if its his intention to have all the women he wants.

 

It could be that he is very confused, because he may have reached that inevitable point in a relationship where the 'lovey, mushy, butterfly feelings' have disappeared. Perhaps he thinks thats what love is, I dont know. I used to think that when that 'feeling' went away, I didnt like/love the person anymore. Until I realized that if you push through that time, the relationship changes into something much more deep and loving.

 

That could be what he is experiencing, based on what you've said about his point of view. The thing is, though, is that its something he'll have to realize for himself. The fact that his longest relationship was 11months, could indicate that he hasnt ever stayed with someone after those 'lovey, mushy' feelings go away.

 

I dont know if this helps or not. I hope it sheds some light on the situation, and that you can feel a little less confused. I also hope that you can wait patiently for him to figure things out. I suggest going out with any friends you have, or making new friends. And if you feel up to it at some point, go out with other guys on little dates. So....I'd like to know what you think about this, and how youre feeling. Keep posting!!!

[tikigods]

I still feel that you need to let him do his thing and you go do your own thing, that means no more getting together, and prehaps no more chatting either.

 

Its the old Butterfly saying, if you guys are meant to be together then he will come back. Its not your place to "fix him" on his issues, its something he needs to come about himself, and in the mean time if that means thats he will lose you then that might make him think even harder about it.

 

The thing is with you right now being at his beck and call like it seems you are, you aren't making him get over any sort of fears or problems with relationships cause like I said before he CAN have you and someone else as well if he wants it.

 

Let him find his way in the world, and in a few months if he calls you then give him a call back, but don't sleep with him, don't do anything but maybe go out to dinner, because he needs to know that there are certain things that come with love and with a relationship and right now you aren't giving him any reason to BE in one.

[synthia]

To answer your question, Kat, he's 32.

 

In a lot of relationships, one of the partners gets scared about where its going and what everything means, and wants to break up. They deeply care about the person, and see themselves with them in the future, but they arent ready for that future to be NOW

 

This seems to be EXACTLY the issue.

 

It could be that he is very confused, because he may have reached that inevitable point in a relationship where the 'lovey, mushy, butterfly feelings' have disappeared. Perhaps he thinks thats what love is, I dont know. I used to think that when that 'feeling' went away, I didnt like/love the person anymore. Until I realized that if you push through that time, the relationship changes into something much more deep and loving.

 

I also think this is also another issue. I don't think he has ever let a relationship get past that initial lovey mushy stage. How does someone realize this if they break things off before getting past that?

 

The thing is with you right now being at his beck and call like it seems you are, you aren't making him get over any sort of fears or problems with relationships cause like I said before he CAN have you and someone else as well if he wants it.

 

Tiki, I agree with you here. I am just having a problem right now not being there for him. It doesn't seem right to me not to be there. I don't want him to think I am there at his beck and call, but I want him to know I am still there and I haven't given up on him. I'm having a hard time finding that balance.

 

Right now, I am waiting to see if he calls me when he gets off work. Usually he does, but I'm not sure if he will after yesterday. Yesterday was when we found out that I wasn't pregnant from the DR. I know he is going through emotional stress right now because of that whole issue. It made him face things I don't think he has ever faced before. The possibility of having a family. I think that has messed with him a good bit, and I know he does eventually want a family, I think he has to figure out now if it is something he wants now or later. That much he told me last night. So, I am now playing the waiting game.

[Ariadne]

Hi you,

 

Sorry about all this mess.

 

Well, it doesn't sound to me like you are ready to make a decision right now. Seems like he is still a very important part of your life.

 

I'd say give it some time, be supportive and see what happens.

 

If it becomes impossible and a pain then you'll know when you'll know.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[tikigods]

I would suggest then if you aren't willing to cut things off with him for a bit, to make your contact with him as "inpersonal" as you can. Talk to him on IM, or on the phone, or if you do get together, make it something very public, that way you can't feel the need to get together and do mroe. Treat this as a friendship and nothing more then that

[zarathustra]

Having been engaged (briefly) to a commitmentphobe myself, I can understand how you feel. Synthia, does he recognize this as an issue? Mine never did... just kept stringing me along for years, breaking my heart every so often and later killing my spirit. I don't think he's a bad man, my ex-fiance... but he was bad to me because of his indecisiveness. By you taking what crumbs you can get from him, I don't think that you are being fair to yourself. I think that if he is willing to admit that his commitment phobia is a problem, he needs to seek therapy. When my ex and I split up, his friends and family all thought he was going insane or having a mental meltdown as they knew that I loved him more than I loved myself. His father actually refused to speak with him for a while because they wanted me in his life so much. They also knew that his accomplishments are based on my encouragement and help. The point is, despite rationale and logic, its really important that you do things for yourself and that you take control of your life. I really don't think people here are out to bash him, but we recognize (as by-standers) that despite being a good person on the whole, he has not treated you with the love and respect that you deserve and that is not good treatment to you. You deserve to be loved and treated the way you want to be loved and treated. That's what we're saying and I don't think you can honestly say that how he is treating you is what you want, else you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

 

Good luck.

[josielane]

Sytnthia,

 

I am in a very similar situation as you, and I have done this before with my ex, so maybe I can help a little.

 

First of all, you need to stop sleeping with him. See him, talk to him, but do not sleep with him. That will just end up confusing you more in the long run.

 

Second, you need to decide what you want. And from your posts it seems like you pretty much have, you love him and you don't want to give up on him. If you honestly feel in your heart of hearts that this guy is worth it to you, than he probably is, but you need to realize that it is going to be hard for awhile, and if you're going to stick around that's something you'll just have to deal with.

 

Third, you need to talk to him. Make him understand that you're willing to give him time if he needs it, but not the rest of eternity and you will not be sitting the wings waiting for him. Be as open and honest as you can be, but keep it light and pressure free or you will just freak him out worse. After that, back off the relationship talk for awhile, just spend some time hanging out with him and time by yourself, and see how it goes.

 

If you know he is a good guy, then he might just be needing some space for awhile. Some people do need that without some evil motive and some don't. It just depends on the person. In the case of me and my ex, that was exactly it, he had a lot on his plate and needed to back burner our relationship for awhile. We stayed close, still hung out, and after 3-4 months it worked itself out naturally. Now, it wasn't always easy for me, and I did worry, but on the plus side I got to spend some more time by myself and with my friends and I really enjoyed it.

 

Also, you can be there for him, without being at his beck and call. If he really needs to talk, talk. If he needs a booty call at 3 in the morning, say no thank you and go back to sleep. Spend as much time as you can with your friends, or by yourself, whatever you want to do.

 

And finally, trust your gut. Only you can know what's really going on. You'll know when you're being strung along, you'll know when someone else has come into the picture.

 

If you think he's worth it, and you know he's not just stringing you along, than just give it some time. Keep doing what you're doing, but try and keep everything as easy going, pressure-less as possible for awhile, and see what happens.

 

 

 

[synthia]

I talked to him tonight. Before he went to work. There is a girl at the bar that he works at on Tuesdays that he hung out with a few times, the girl he made out with. He wanted to talk to me before he went to the bar to alleviate my worries. Said that he wasn't going to start dating her, fall in love and get married. Not gonna happen. Well, gee, that makes me feel better.

 

At the same time, he said that if he had to choose between being in a relationship with me right now and just being friends, he would choose friends. But that we are more than just friends, we're "casually dating." And that he isn't "casually dating" anyone else. He wanted to talk briefly about why it would bother me if he were casually dating someone else, which he isn't. My answer was that because it would put someone else on the same level as me, and I really wouldn't feel all that special or important. He said that, regardless of labels, I am alot more than just someone he is casually dating, and no one is on the same "level" as me.

 

Then he went on to say that maybe we should only talk a couple times a week instead of every night. I told him if he didn't want to talk to me then fine, don't call. I wouldn't call him any more, if he wanted to talk, let him call me. Though I said that without any anymosity he seemed affronted by that, but said ok. Then, not 20 minutes after we got off the phone, he called back on his way to work to tell me about a concert he heard on the radio, and how he broke his razor shaving and stuff. Okay. Confusion abounds.

 

I'm starting to get a bit angry with him. Just for the general confusion. I have never dated such a confusing man before. And they say women are complicated.

[clandestinidad]

Hey hun! I really think this guy still loves/cares for you. I think he wants it to go somewhere but doesnt know what it all means for him.

 

I say give it time. But try to casually date or spend time with other friends, to show him that you will NOT sit by doing nothing while he figures things out.

 

I dont consider this playing games, in case youre concerned about such things, because its really a matter of self-respect and taking care of yourself. You should respect yourself enough to know that sitting and pining over someone who doesnt know what they want with you is wrong.

 

You sound like youre doing well through all this....I mean, your writing doesnt sound spazzy or anything....so thats good. How do you think you're handling all this? What things have you been doing to take care of yourself??

[synthia]

Hi Kat. You post makes me feel a little better. Throughout all this I have been afraid of reading into things the wrong way and creating false hope for myself. I'm a logical person and I try my best to look at things from an outsiders point of view. But of course that isn't entirely possible, no matter how logical I am.

 

You sound like youre doing well through all this....I mean, your writing doesnt sound spazzy or anything....so thats good. How do you think you're handling all this? What things have you been doing to take care of yourself??

 

I hope I am handling it well. To be honest, this has been the most emotional thing I have ever gone through, and as I think I mentioned before, I went through 2 divorces. neither of them was this emotional, I think mainly because when they were over, they were just over. First husband was extremely verbally abusive and controlling. Once I sat back and realized my situation, it wasn't hard to leave and cut all communications. Second husband later professed to being gay. Can't really do much about that. This, well, this isn't so cut and dry. Of course I want this to work out, I'd love to have a happy relationship that really goes somewhere. But I know I can't force the issue, and I wouldn't want to. I would want him to enter into it willingly, knowing that it is what he wants as well. Of course, realizing these things in my head and getting my heart to understand are two different things. I know I just need to wait. Let him have his time to figure things out, but not just sit and pine. I know these things. How am I handling it? Well, I cry to my roommate, get angry at anything romantic on tv or the radio, then pull it all in and put on a happy face when he calls, so as not to stress him out. I know he worries about me, he worries alot, and I really want him to think I'm okay and not stressing too much. Because if he is concerned about the pain he is putting me through, it could impede his decision making process, or cause him undue pressure. I honestly don't think it would help when he is needing time, if he is constantly worried about my emotional state. I am stronger than that, and I will give him the space he needs. At the same time, I am venting and talking about it here so as not to constantly be driving him or my roommate crazy.

 

I have been keeping myself busy with various projects. Things that I used to like to do, but right now don't really seem important. I know that I need to be doing them, and if I don't and let things slack I'll regret it later. (This is career stuff, so I can't put it on the back burner right now because of my emotional state.) I also just joined a band, and the interaction with the band members is helping alot. It's just something to do in my spare time instead of sitting around pining. It also makes me feel better knowing that I'm not always home every time he calls as if I have nothing else to do. I do want him to know that I'm out there still living a life.

 

We had a good conversation last night. I told him that I didn't want to talk about stressful stuff like we have been. Just talk like we used to. Kind of start over a bit, before we got serious. Go back to why we get along so well in the first place. He thought is was a great idea, and re-introduced himself over the phone. We talked about our interests, he told stupid jokes, told me how his work was going, I told him about the band (he said he was jealous, he's been trying to get in a good band for years) and when it was time to get off the phone, he was the one that really didn't seem to want to hang up. It was nice. Not the slightest moment of stress in the whole conversation. No pressure. I was really proud of myself for not once bringing up anything relationship related. I'm going to do my best not to be the one to bring it up. If he wants to talk about it, I want to let him be the one to start.