kechara Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hi Friends, I thought I was going to be the one to do it, to be able to log on some day and say, "Hey, it really can work out." I have been with my MM for over 2 years. He did move out of his house (after 10 months of putting me through hell) and moved in with me (although he told her he was living with friends). He did ask for a divorce (after me being in limbo for another year, feeling like at any moment he would go back to her). He did finally go see the lawyer to get separation papers (after I broke up with him, he promised me he would and one more month went by). He did go pick the papers up (six weeks after they were ready...therefore six more weeks and weekends of me crying and upset). And now that he has had the papers in his desk for three months, and in spite of the continual degradation of our relationship and the warnings from me that he was risking our relationship each month that went by without her signing them, I have decided I have had enough. We packed up his stuff on Saturday and moved him in with his friends. 27 months of Pain. I am angry. I am bitter. I can't stop beating up on myself for allowing this to go on and on and on. I hurt like hell, but I know this pain will fade in time, where as the other Pain...well, he was in control of that situation and had a thousand and one excuses why things were taking so long. I should have taken control (and held on to it) long ago. The bottom line: I WAS NEVER THAT IMPORTANT TO HIM. He was more concerned about hurting her than about how my life was falling apart. Please friends, don't wait 27 months to learn that all of these other women are right...it doesn't ever work out. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I am very sorry for your pain that you are experiencing. I can only imagine how tough it is. I am involved with a mm also and the thing that keeps me in check is that I don't ever ever ever ask him to get a divorce or ask him when he is going to be with me. Some day those questions might come up but I went into this knowing full well that it would be possibly 5-6 years before he can free himself up...for many reasons that I won't bore you with. I do not want to be the OW for 6 more years and he knows this. So I guess my deal is that I am enjoying it for what it is right now and not expecting too much. That's the only way to survive one of these relationships, I think. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Ouch, you sound in so much pain. Just good it ended now. Don't beat up on yourself for too long. HE isn't worth it. If you need to talk to someone, go see a therapist to help you cope through your pain. Please friends, don't wait 27 months to learn that all of these other women are right...it doesn't ever work out. Sadly as right as you are to warn others away from getting involved with a MM, so many will have to go through their own hell before realizing it all wasn't worth the pain and it was a huge mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Kechara, sorry to hear that you have to leave your MM. Think of it this way (if it helps) : now better than later, right? He probably did love you, but he is a coward. He was afraid of a new lifestyle. There was nothing else you could have done. It was his choice to stay miserable. Look at your life. You still have a lifetime ahead of you. It was his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 KHLF: How do you know the MM is miserable? It sounds like Kechara is the miserable one. He had it good. I'm sorry for your pain, Kechara. Hopefully others will learn from your sad experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Sorry to hear that, kechara. MM keeps saying to me that once the conversation with his W about separation starts, then that will be it, as far as he's concerned. But I read over and over about MM who leave, and then get stuck. Why does this happen..? I can't see anything but more of the same for me... because I don't think these men realise up front that this is what might happen. WHY don't they get online and read some stories... or do they think they're so original that it doesn't apply to them..? What do you think will happen now..? Are you through with it after all you've gone through? ... the thing that keeps me in check is that I don't ever ever ever ask him to get a divorce or ask him when he is going to be with me... I guess my deal is that I am enjoying it for what it is right now and not expecting too much. That's the only way to survive one of these relationships, I think. I think you're right in that it's the only way to be happy in an affair... not to mind where it's going. I've just got off the phone to MM. Having 'the conversation' again. I just don't know what to do other than sit tight and try not to pressure him into anything. He says he doesn't feel pressured, but there it is, me telling him that I can't take too much more of this wondering IF he's going to leave. Because until he starts that conversation properly (not just telling her he feels unhappy, but telling her he wants a separation), then it's all just make-believe. From his pov, however, it's this... as soon as he says he wants a separation, then that's the start of a ****-storm that will go on for months, and years. And obviously he's not ultra-keen to start that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 because I don't think these men realise up front that this is what might happen. WHY don't they get online and read some stories... or do they think they're so original that it doesn't apply to them..? and why do the ow involved with mm think the're so original it doesn't apply to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 and why do the ow involved with mm think the're so original it doesn't apply to them? Think what doesn't apply to them? Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Sorry to hear that, kechara. MM keeps saying to me that once the conversation with his W about separation starts, then that will be it, as far as he's concerned. But I read over and over about MM who leave, and then get stuck. Why does this happen..? I can't see anything but more of the same for me... because I don't think these men realise up front that this is what might happen. WHY don't they get online and read some stories... or do they think they're so original that it doesn't apply to them..? What do you think will happen now..? Are you through with it after all you've gone through? I think you're right in that it's the only way to be happy in an affair... not to mind where it's going. I've just got off the phone to MM. Having 'the conversation' again. I just don't know what to do other than sit tight and try not to pressure him into anything. He says he doesn't feel pressured, but there it is, me telling him that I can't take too much more of this wondering IF he's going to leave. Because until he starts that conversation properly (not just telling her he feels unhappy, but telling her he wants a separation), then it's all just make-believe. From his pov, however, it's this... as soon as he says he wants a separation, then that's the start of a ****-storm that will go on for months, and years. And obviously he's not ultra-keen to start that. How long have you been involved with your MM Sami? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kechara Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Sami, You were talking about how you've been getting the impression that it's not as easy as just them leaving their W...that it seems to take a lot of MM a whole lot more time to get the big D finalized. I think the biggest hold-up is guilt. Maybe he gets brave enough to move out. She falls apart. In the meantime, he is with his OW, supposedly happy, but also (if he is generally a good person) feeling guilty about ruining his W's life. So then he waits to lay the papers on her. She's in limbo (just like us)...therefore, more episodes where she's falling apart. He feels more guilty. These men are typically pretty cowardly. They like things easy (like us) and to try and stick to some resolve about ending their previous relationship when it is going to cause a heck of a lot of pain that they will have to deal with...well, that's hard. They've been living in relationships that aren't satisfying for years, maybe just telling people they are unhappy, maybe acting on it by having one or more affairs, but never getting brave enough to end it. It's too hard. They choose the easy route. Crazy thing is, I think the easy route for them is actually harder on everyone- INCLUDING THEM. They have two women left in limbo that they are stretched between and I know that was a lot of stress for my guy. He just kept getting more and more entrenched in depression. But I couldn't make him make a decision. So instead, I got to sit by and watch the man I love hurt. Meanwhile, as every month turned into a new month, I felt as if my heart was breaking. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Kechara, You sound like an incredibly sensible woman. What made you decide to call it quits? And what how successful are you in keeping NC (no contact) with your MM? Don't take me wrong. I firmly believe that you are doing the right thing by walking away. You deserve so much more. And you made the decision for him... that takes courage. Actually, your description of your MM is quite accurate of mine, too. He is also a very indecive man and would rather take the "easy" route. I guess most men who go the affair route are like that?? My husband is not that type. He is controlling and has a one-tracked mind. But who knows, maybe he'd have a woman on the side as well.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kechara Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 About the last week of every month I'd start crying, just about every day. Not pleading with him to get her to sign the papers so much as trying to get him to see how his refusal to take action was hurting me. The pain was always worse at the end of the month because I couldn't ever stop myself from thinking, "Now it's almost January and he still hasn't done anything...Now it's almost February and he still hasn't done anything...He must not love me enough." Why was this month different? I guess in the last three weeks I've crawled out of my emotional and mental rut enough to try imagining my future as I would want it to be. I imagined kids and activities and fun and most of all...JOY. The more strongly that I saw these images the more I realized that my MM, with all of his baggage and indecisiveness, is not capable (except in small moments) of living a joyful life. I also realized that in choosing him, my life would not be joyful; instead it would be colored by 2 years of pain, the stigma of an affair, and by a man with a perpetual dark cloud over him who I'd always be trying to "save." Thursday, as I was driving, and thinking these thoughts for about the hundredth time, I heard this clear voice in my head that said, "I CHOOSE JOY." As soon as I heard it, I couldn't stop hearing it...for three days. Finally, on Saturday afternoon after 2 hours of vacuuming and countless repetitions of my new mantra under my breath I walked into where he was, once again, sitting at the computer and said, "This isn't working." Now, as I deal with the pain of loss, every morning when I reach out to his sleeping form and every evening when I would have told him about my day, I bring to mind those happy images from my three weeks of imagining and repeat: I CHOOSE JOY. He did call (Monday). We talked for about an hour. And as I listened to him talk about chances and changing I kept thinking to myself, "You are not a person who can be my partner in the joyful life that I desire." Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 How long have you been involved with your MM Sami? We met online 2 years ago this coming May (i.e. about 20 months in total). But we didn't actually meet up for real for a year (April last year). Since then we've seen each other fairly regularly, but with 2 2-month separations. Last time we spent any real time together was a few weeks before Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 kechara, I always imagine that if things keep dragging on with MM that I'll eventually get to that point that you've reached. It's great to hear you talk about it I hope it happens to me too. "I CHOOSE JOY" ... yeah it feels good! re: them wanting a quiet life... my MM has called himself in the past: 'MrPathofLeastResistance'... yeah. That's him, definitely. He's the same with most things in his life. He'd rather put up with something that's not exactly what he wants than actually cause a bit of a fuss and sort it out. I noticed that when we were in hotels too... he was very reticent to complain about anything. I'm somewhat the same, but FFS... if things are really bad I GET OUT!!!! (but then... I wouldn't have to leave my kids, so what do I know..?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kechara Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 "Mr-Path-of-Least-Resistance!" Yep, that definitely suits my MM. He kept arguing with me that I was too impatient, that I wouldn't just let things "evolve" as they should. Well, it took him so long to "evolve", that I "evolved" right out of his life. Funny, how I'm still so angry that he couldn't be whom I wanted him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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