Saw him last night and now I'm in pieces!

[Raven1845]

Went to my Thursday night hangout with a girlfriend last night. Around 1:30 a.m., I'm out on the dance floor with my friend and I look at her face and notice she's looking at someone behind me. I turn around and there he was. He just stood there smiling at me, and I stood there with, most likely, a straight, stupid, surprised look on my face. He gave me a half-a$$ed hug. One of those one arm deals with no strength to it. It could have been me, though. I was trying to keep myself composed.

 

I didn't really say anything. I noticed he didn't look very good (though I still found him to be the hottest thing I've ever seen). He had a cut on the bridge of his nose and his eyes were a little black. My friend touched his face and asked what happened. He said, "Broke it." I, of course, looked at him with that "Oh baby, are you okay? What happened?" look. I didn't say anything, though. I really wanted to know if he was okay, but I just didn't know what to do. He stayed a couple of minutes and then gave me another hug and left.

 

I almost lost it. My eyes began to water and I told my friend, "I have to leave." She wouldn't let me and kept telling me to put a big smile on my face in case he was watching. "Do you want him to win?" She asked.

 

Good grief! Why the games? Win, lose, WTF? "If you want to make him care, act like you don't." she said. What the heck is that? I love him and I can't even show it. Instead I had to walk around for another half hour with a big smile on my face, talking to people, just in case he was watching. I hate that!

 

I'm in pieces today. God, I miss him so much. I'd really like to email, call, or text him asking him if his nose is okay. Should I?

 

I didn't seem to have any effect on him at all. My friend said, "Yes you did. You didn't see the look on his face when he first saw you, I did."

 

I don't know if I believe her, or if she's just trying to make me feel better.

 

Why did he come up to me if he doesn't care? I would have never known he was there.

 

I can't believe he doesn't miss me. I figure if he really missed me, he would have called or something. I hate games. I'm a wreck! :(:(:(:(:(

[Ariadne]

Awww.....

 

{{{{Raven}}}}

 

(Well, at least you got to see him )

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: Yeah, and I hate those games too.

[skeptik224]

Don't contact him, Raven. It's not worth the emotional impact it will have on you. (not that last nights' wasn't enough) I'm proud that you did stay around for a little while afterwards and put on a happy face. It proves that you can be strong. I don't know the whole story about the break up, but I can assure you that chances are good that you're on his mind. Be strong...do not contact him in any way. Give props to your friend for giving you the "tough love attitude" you needed last night. Even if she was feeding you a line of bs (which I doubt), good for her for keeping you tough.

[CaliGuy]

Raven, you're in the drivers seat here. Be strong. Never leave a club where you were there first and he shows up later. He wins if you do. Your friends were right.

 

Be strong. You'll be fine.

 

Don't call him. Let him come to you, then you will be in control.

[LonelyinOhio]

Don't contact him - this is a perfect situation for you. Chances are really high that he'll reach out to you in some way, soon -- and if he does or does not, WHO CARES ? You had better not care. Your goal is not to deconstruct what's on his mind -- it's to reconstruct what's on yours, so you are thinking about YOU and not about YOU AND HIM.

 

This will take time.

 

Ariadne -- I disagree with you complete -- "at least you got to see him?"...I kinda read that as though you are saying it was something positive for her to see this person who cut her heart out and stepped on it. No, the best would be if she did NOT see him, hear from him or be reminded of him in any physical way until she is over him. AT LEAST you got to see him and you showed your strength. That's the good news. Better news would be that you were not in his presence, but you can't always avoid these things.

 

You did the right thing so far -- now, keep doing it.

[zarathustra]

Raven, I think I saw on another thread that you hoped that you would not bump into him at the club you were going to. Maybe its a good idea to hang out somewhere else. Why expose yourself to the pain of seeing him if you have the choice? Good luck. I wish you all the best.

[Raven1845]

You're all so wonderful. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

 

Caliguy, I wish I had your strength. I'm trying.

 

Still VERY upset over seeing him. I keep thinking I should have gone after him because he was hurt.

 

Maybe I should think positively that he very well may have shown up just to see me. I don't see why he'd get there a half hour before they closed and then leave if it were any other reason. Maybe he misses me. ??? I don't know. Then again, it's easier for me to think negatively right now. Still a wreck over it.

 

Thank you guys. Sending you all a (((BIG hug)))

 

-Raven

[THX2000]

You're all so wonderful. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

 

Caliguy, I wish I had your strength. I'm trying.

 

Still VERY upset over seeing him. I keep thinking I should have gone after him because he was hurt.

 

Maybe I should think positively that he very well may have shown up just to see me. I don't see why he'd get there a half hour before they closed and then leave if it were any other reason. Maybe he misses me. ??? I don't know. Then again, it's easier for me to think negatively right now. Still a wreck over it.

 

Thank you guys. Sending you all a (((BIG hug)))

 

-Raven

 

Raven you sound like such a sweety so it sucks that you are having to go through this. I know exactly how you are feeling and you have to take this time and just think of yourself. Don't worry about what's going on with this guy or in his life. Make yourself your #1 priority (from the sounds of it this isn't your nature and that's an admirable quality) and take care of yoru needs. Your friend gave you some pretty solid advice and you should listen to her. It will get better.

[greenshift]

Your friend is right - listen to her. She knows you, and him, and it sounds like she has your best interests at heart.

 

As far as your Should I? goes - I know its been a few days, but I believe that, if you're asking, you already know the answer. You know its not going to help, not going to miraculously heal your pain and bring him back to you.

 

We all have a voice that tells us when something isn't right - listen to that, trust it, follow that instead of your emotional need to contact him. It helps.

 

Dave

[Raven1845]

After being convinced he had come in to see me, I decided to call to check on his nose Tuesday night. I also wanted to let him know that I was moving back to my home state, and I wanted to say goodbye. I thought it would be mature. He told me to call him anytime. He even came to the club to see me. Well, I called . . .

 

He let a girl answer the phone. (not because I keep bugging him or anything, because I haven't -- but because that is the type of guy he is). He's never once asked me not to call him, and he came to the club to see me. I just wanted to be nice and see how he was after his accident.

 

I'm so stupid, and I'm so humiliated. Our entire relationship was always mixed messages from him. Why couldn't I be what he wanted? I was, I wasn't, I was, I wasn't.

 

I'm still a little sick from drinking and that was a couple of night's ago. I've decided to stop trying to forget him with alcohol. Alcohol only seems to make everything worse.

 

I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my life, but at the same time, I'm finally seeing just how cruel this guy is. (as if all my other posts on him couldn't show me).

 

I give up. I will never allow a man to hurt me again. I will never give my heart away.

 

Oh my god, I am now 100 percent sure I meant nothing. (which yes, I should have known, anyway). But now, there's no doubt at all. No matter how bad he had to have me, no matter all the bs he told me to get me, no matter how much better I am than anyone he's ever had or will ever have, the truth is . . . the bottom line is . . . I meant nothing. He does not miss he, nor will he ever. He does not want me, nor will he ever. I meant nothing. I never will. I was a conquest. That is all. I'm not handling that very well.

[greenshift]

You can't judge your worth based on another person's callous, insensitive behavior. Typically when someone is in the process if removing themselves froma long-term relationship, they start mentally tallying bad things about their partner and ignoring their good traits, in an effort to convince themselves that it's not going to work when, in reality, they're just trying to justify what they want to do, and convince themselves that they're not a bad person.

 

Works great for them. The problem is that all of this cached negativity comes across in every interaction you have with them, and gradually erodes whatever self-confidence that you had to start with. In the end, they're gone, feeling pretty confident in their decision and actions, and you're left feeling like crap, probably after having jumped through flaming hoops of mythic proportion and configuration and knowing that none of it worked or appeared to matter, no matter how much or how hard you tried.

 

This is a weakness in their character. You are still the person that they fell for and, despite everything that's happened, other people can see that. The guy is an ass, and a coward for letting this other girl answer the phone. That doesn't mean you're unvaluable - just that he's behaving like a child.

 

It's normal to feel this way. It'll get better (and worse), but it is temporary.

 

And, lay off of the drinking. It just makes your mood swings - which are natural at this point - worse and more difficult to tolerate. Also, don't forget that the stress of moving and everything else that's going on in your life, combined with having to be in such close proximity to him and constantly experiencing painful reminders of what you've lost are contributing to your feelings.

 

It'll get better - promise.

[batesal]

You can't judge your worth based on another person's callous, insensitive behavior. Typically when someone is in the process if removing themselves froma long-term relationship, they start mentally tallying bad things about their partner and ignoring their good traits, in an effort to convince themselves that it's not going to work when, in reality, they're just trying to justify what they want to do, and convince themselves that they're not a bad person.

 

Works great for them. The problem is that all of this cached negativity comes across in every interaction you have with them, and gradually erodes whatever self-confidence that you had to start with. In the end, they're gone, feeling pretty confident in their decision and actions, and you're left feeling like crap, probably after having jumped through flaming hoops of mythic proportion and configuration and knowing that none of it worked or appeared to matter, no matter how much or how hard you tried.

 

This is a weakness in their character. You are still the person that they fell for and, despite everything that's happened, other people can see that. The guy is an ass, and a coward for letting this other girl answer the phone. That doesn't mean you're unvaluable - just that he's behaving like a child.

 

It's normal to feel this way. It'll get better (and worse), but it is temporary.

 

And, lay off of the drinking. It just makes your mood swings - which are natural at this point - worse and more difficult to tolerate. Also, don't forget that the stress of moving and everything else that's going on in your life, combined with having to be in such close proximity to him and constantly experiencing painful reminders of what you've lost are contributing to your feelings.

 

It'll get better - promise.

 

This makes me feel better, not just for me, but for my self-confidence and inner self. Out of all the things I have heard people say about the other person, I beleive that this summarizes everything that I am going through, and makes me wonder why she decided that she had enough of me. After all I helped her through ALL the TURMOIL she had. (Parents, Death of 3 animals, Support and help to get out of a Abusive relationship).

 

greenshift, Well put.

[Raven1845]

Thank you, greenshift. Thank you, everyone.

 

It feels like the pain is never going to end. I keep making it worse by contacting him. That won't be happening again . . . for sure this time. I will never know what I did to deserve another girl answering his phone. It's not like he told me to never call. Why did he come to see me that night? If he hadn't, I would not have called. My friends tell me he didn't like that I didn't go running to him and a girl answering his phone was my payback. Nice. Why would I want someone like that back? Am I totally crazy? (be nice, please).

 

I'd let fate take 10 years off my life just to make the pain and wanting for him stop.

 

You're all so great. Thank you for your support.

[fooled]

Thank you, greenshift. Thank you, everyone.

 

It feels like the pain is never going to end. I keep making it worse by contacting him. That won't be happening again . . . for sure this time. I will never know what I did to deserve another girl answering his phone. It's not like he told me to never call. Why did he come to see me that night? If he hadn't, I would not have called. My friends tell me he didn't like that I didn't go running to him and a girl answering his phone was my payback. Nice. Why would I want someone like that back? Am I totally crazy? (be nice, please).

 

Raven darling - you need to stop asking "why." It's hard at first. Your brain needs to make sense of the inconsistencies. When it does - when you get your answers - and they hurt. Because usually it's because they didn't love you. And we all want our love reciprocated. And some of it is ego. How could they not love me? That's all ego. And that's okay. It's natural. I wouldn't be natural if you could just walk away.

 

But really, all the answer you need is that he's an ass.

 

You do not need him in your life. You know you can do a whole lot better.

[Raven1845]

Raven darling - you need to stop asking "why." It's hard at first. Your brain needs to make sense of the inconsistencies. When it does - when you get your answers - and they hurt. Because usually it's because they didn't love you. And we all want our love reciprocated. And some of it is ego. How could they not love me? That's all ego. And that's okay. It's natural. I wouldn't be natural if you could just walk away.

 

But really, all the answer you need is that he's an ass.

 

You do not need him in your life. You know you can do a whole lot better.

 

Thank you, fooled.

 

I read your thread where your ex keeps trying to contact you. Though you are probably a wreck on the inside from it, sticking to NC and not replying to her is so awesome! I hope I have the opportunity of not replying one day. I think if I had that opportunity, I'd feel better.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[greenshift]

The fact that you don't is just further evidence that you don't need him. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't appreciate you, do you? Someone that doesn't miss you when you're not there?

 

Odds are, he does miss you - if you have a soul you can't walk away from someone you love without looking back.

 

But, you deserve, and will have, someone that wants you around, that will be concerned for you, and not just themselves (as his lack of contact suggests), because that's what you deserve. And, despite your experience, it's not all that much to ask.

 

This is hard. It sucks, royally - we know it, we've all been there, some of us still are. You will get through this, and you'll be stronger, and more focused on what you want when that happens.

 

That doesn't keep it from hurting right now, I know - and that's okay. It's not fair, it's not right - but it'll be okay. Just remember, no matter how bad it gets, that you will not always feel this way.

 

You sound like a sensitive, caring woman - someone will spot that, and it'll be great.

 

Take care.

[Raven1845]

Thank you, greenshift. I appreciate your kind, caring, and supportive words. I always try to remember your words you've given me a couple of times, "You will not always feel this way." I sure hope you're right, because it feels like it's getting worse. I think about him the whole time I'm awake, and I dream about him the whole time I'm asleep. I just want it to stop.

 

Sending you a hug,

Raven