TheShadowMan Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I see some threads on here about being the half-aged OW. How about a low-20s OM seeing a mid-40s MW? I'm nearly at a point where I could walk away now. Its been about a year and a half of this relationship, virtually on an everyday level. We've been having a relationship right under her husband, her family, and her friends noses. I gave up most of my friends for her, shes pretty much my whole life outside my work. We have a pretty honest relationship, that I can even bring up the pain of being the OM.....which usually turns into a crying fest of how she is so awful for being with me and even her husband, which she 'still loves somewhere,' deserves better, and she should just die cause the world would be better, blah blah blah. She claims we always talk about my pain and struggles and never hers....which I never seem to understand, because we probably spend 75% of the time together talking about all the awful things in her life. She talks about how horrible her husband is and how he never touches her and how he ruins their kids (sometimes she has valid points), but what I finally wisened up to is that their relationship's place and their kids are exactly 50/50 each others fault. If I am carefully honest about anything in it, then I just don't understand her heart at all. I'm at a place where I'm angry and bitter, but I feel like I shouldn't be. I'm supposed to love her, so I should be able to put up with this crap forever, right? Its selfish to put my needs above hers, isnt it? I feel like if I leave, it will be over a petty thing and that I'm just being short sighted and will regret it. I'm just lost. I am not even sure why I posted all I did.....its such a tiny snapshot of it all. I guess I'm just reaching for straws here.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 One thing I do have to say right off the bat...You've neglected other people and made this women your whole life. IF it ends, you're gonna be crushed. You have every right to want more out of a relationship...Just not one with a married woman. I'm sure you love her so much, but she has a husband and chances are she won't ever leave him, or change her life for you. It isn't selfish of you at all - It is selfish of her to keep you around! She is older than you, and I hate to say it, but more experienced and she knows what's around the corner...You don't. That isn't negative towards you - So don't take that the wrong way... Don't believe all that she says about her husband. It's the same with MM, they say things at home are awful, the wife is mean and cold...this is the exact same except you're the OM and she's the MW. The best thing you can do for you is end it. There are 100 reasons to walk away...You're miserable now, right? Well the rollercoaster ride is what this relationship is with her. And always will be. You deserve a woman who will love just you and not be with anybody else. You are also part of an affair and if/when her husband realizes what is going on, it's over asap. Keep posting/venting. In the meantime, try to distance yourself abit from her. Take a step back and see the whole picture here. Are you really happy? My guess is no. And you also need to do things you enjoy, be with your friends, family and enjoy life. You can't put all your eggs in one basket! Especially right now.
Author TheShadowMan Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks for the reply whichwayisup. I do realize it was stupid to put all my eggs in her basket. Problem is, I am not sure how to fix that. We talk about wishing we were couple-friends only with others, so we could share life equally.......but she has tons of relationships I'm not involved in, and if I try and form some, I get martyr syndrome. If I am honest and tell her that she has many relationships outside of me, then theres always some justification, that she has to keep more appearances up than I do. What is it you mean by life that is around the corner? I can accept it isn't selfish of me to want monogamy, and she even tells me to "just go" because of that, but its in such drama and crap, that I perfectly know that if I do go it will ruin her life. I learned the hard way to stop taking what she says about her husband as pure truth. He DOES pay attention to her, its just not exactly the way she wants it to be.....it requires some sacrifice on her part, which I know from experience she only does with great martyrdom. No, I'm really not happy. In fact I am quite miserable. It dawned on me about 6 months ago that the relationship was never going anywhere, and that it was wrong (kinda odd how that happened). I sometimes think all these pressures to stay with her I put on myself, putting up the front in her family as being a near-brother in it....but if I say I struggle with it, she says she never asked me to do it....but if I start pulling away she throws out the melodrama about me leaving her and crap. I'm not an innocent victim here. Young, perhaps...but not innocent. I keep thinking that there is something I am missing, if I just unselfishly sacrifice some things then it will be ok. All relationship problems are 50/50....so this must be partially my doing. I hate being a romantic idealist. I don't know if she is a massively manipulative bitch or truly what she says she is......its like the ultimate battle in my head.....there is evidence for both arguments.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I'm glad you aren't painting yourself as a victim, but at the same time, she DOES know better as she is older. She IS holding you back - That is what I meant by she see's what's around the corner - She's older, more experienced and just knows...She knows that this situation isn't forever and she knows you are going to be really hurt when it ends. The thing is, she isn't DOING anything to prevent it either. This situation would be different if she wasn't married, many younger people get involved with someone older - I did too when I was younger but the guy wasn't married. That situation still wasn't good for me and looking back at it now, I regret that it went on for so long. He was never going to marry me, yet he never dumped me. He kept me there because of the sex and companionship. I missed out on alot because of him. He should have insisted we break up, but he was selfish. Ha, so was I, but I didn't have as much experience as him, intuition ... That is your MW. She has intuition, she knows being with you is wrong. I don't think she is being malcious in manipulating you, I think it's more selfish and her needs come first. I mean, she has NOT tried to fix things with her husband, or gone to marriage counselling, right? She isn't being a truthful wife, or a good mother to her children because she's cheating. You have to look out for you. She can't and won't do that Shadow. If her husband finds out, she will drop you like yesterday's news and break your heart. (Go read some OW threads in this section about how the OW gets treated by their MM. Gain some insight through what they've been through.) You can't be a big part of her life either, the way that you want. That is another reason why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. To hide it and pretend ...It is emotionally draining, and you agree that you're miserable. So, gather the stength somehow to end it. Do it for your own sanity and for her marriage, her children. Keep posting.
Chump64 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 No offense, but I think that both of you are selfish. You are taking what you want from her in a situation that you know is not right. She is doing the same. Neither of you is showing regard for the people you are hurting. You are young and you probably have a lot going for you. She is wasting your time when you could be making new friends and dating people you have more in common with. Even if she leaves her husband, do you really want to be with a 50 YO when you are 30? With a 60 YO when you are 40? Do you want kids? Because if she is already in her 40s, she is probably done with that phase of her life. Have you ever thought that you may be wasting your time when you could be having fun with people your age, dating around and possibly even finding your life mate?
Guest Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I'm glad you aren't painting yourself as a victim, but at the same time, she DOES know better as she is older. She IS holding you back - That is what I meant by she see's what's around the corner - She's older, more experienced and just knows...She knows that this situation isn't forever and she knows you are going to be really hurt when it ends. The thing is, she isn't DOING anything to prevent it either. This situation would be different if she wasn't married, many younger people get involved with someone older - I did too when I was younger but the guy wasn't married. That situation still wasn't good for me and looking back at it now, I regret that it went on for so long. He was never going to marry me, yet he never dumped me. He kept me there because of the sex and companionship. I missed out on alot because of him. He should have insisted we break up, but he was selfish. Ha, so was I, but I didn't have as much experience as him, intuition ... That is your MW. She has intuition, she knows being with you is wrong. I don't think she is being malcious in manipulating you, I think it's more selfish and her needs come first. I mean, she has NOT tried to fix things with her husband, or gone to marriage counselling, right? She isn't being a truthful wife, or a good mother to her children because she's cheating. You have to look out for you. She can't and won't do that Shadow. If her husband finds out, she will drop you like yesterday's news and break your heart. (Go read some OW threads in this section about how the OW gets treated by their MM. Gain some insight through what they've been through.) You can't be a big part of her life either, the way that you want. That is another reason why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. To hide it and pretend ...It is emotionally draining, and you agree that you're miserable. So, gather the stength somehow to end it. Do it for your own sanity and for her marriage, her children. Keep posting. whichwayisup, I appreciate your encouragement. Somehow I know all that you are saying is truth. She claims to have tried to fix things with her husband, with counseling etc. I didn't come around until after all that. She says he wouldn't touch her for years at a time, which may or may not be true...ultimately it doesn't matter. She judges him for 'cheating' on her with pornography a few years ago (her feelings on the topic are understandable), she judges her brother for leaving his marriage for his OW.....but she justifies being with me because she is somehow "not done" with her husband in her heart. She puts him down in front of the kids, she tells me she wants nothing more to do with him...but somehow she "isn't done" with him and she doesn't hate him (I think she is kidding herself). One of the hardest things is that we are supposedly heavily religious. I used to consider myself a strong Christian, to be honest. It all feels like a lie now. It felt like one day I woke up in the middle of this....I am not even sure which string of choices were the wrong ones I made. I really don't know what the right thing to do here is....because I feel like I should do the non-selfish thing and stay. But what you say is very true...theres more than just me involved, its her marriage and her kids too....so I think the right thing is to go. Its easy to just call her selfish and manipulative and lacking in faith, etc....I need to be careful to avoid the blame game.
Author TheShadowMan Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 I'm glad you aren't painting yourself as a victim, but at the same time, she DOES know better as she is older. She IS holding you back - That is what I meant by she see's what's around the corner - She's older, more experienced and just knows...She knows that this situation isn't forever and she knows you are going to be really hurt when it ends. The thing is, she isn't DOING anything to prevent it either. This situation would be different if she wasn't married, many younger people get involved with someone older - I did too when I was younger but the guy wasn't married. That situation still wasn't good for me and looking back at it now, I regret that it went on for so long. He was never going to marry me, yet he never dumped me. He kept me there because of the sex and companionship. I missed out on alot because of him. He should have insisted we break up, but he was selfish. Ha, so was I, but I didn't have as much experience as him, intuition ... That is your MW. She has intuition, she knows being with you is wrong. I don't think she is being malcious in manipulating you, I think it's more selfish and her needs come first. I mean, she has NOT tried to fix things with her husband, or gone to marriage counselling, right? She isn't being a truthful wife, or a good mother to her children because she's cheating. You have to look out for you. She can't and won't do that Shadow. If her husband finds out, she will drop you like yesterday's news and break your heart. (Go read some OW threads in this section about how the OW gets treated by their MM. Gain some insight through what they've been through.) You can't be a big part of her life either, the way that you want. That is another reason why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. To hide it and pretend ...It is emotionally draining, and you agree that you're miserable. So, gather the stength somehow to end it. Do it for your own sanity and for her marriage, her children. Keep posting. whichwayisup, I appreciate your encouragement. Somehow I know all that you are saying is truth. She claims to have tried to fix things with her husband, with counseling etc. I didn't come around until after all that. She says he wouldn't touch her for years at a time, which may or may not be true...ultimately it doesn't matter. She judges him for 'cheating' on her with pornography a few years ago (her feelings on the topic are understandable), she judges her brother for leaving his marriage for his OW.....but she justifies being with me because she is somehow "not done" with her husband in her heart. She puts him down in front of the kids, she tells me she wants nothing more to do with him...but somehow she "isn't done" with him and she doesn't hate him (I think she is kidding herself). One of the hardest things is that we are supposedly heavily religious. I used to consider myself a strong Christian, to be honest. It all feels like a lie now. It felt like one day I woke up in the middle of this....I am not even sure which string of choices were the wrong ones I made. I really don't know what the right thing to do here is....because I feel like I should do the non-selfish thing and stay. But what you say is very true...theres more than just me involved, its her marriage and her kids too....so I think the right thing is to go. Its easy to just call her selfish and manipulative and lacking in faith, etc....I need to be careful to avoid the blame game.
Author TheShadowMan Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 No offense, but I think that both of you are selfish. You are taking what you want from her in a situation that you know is not right. She is doing the same. Neither of you is showing regard for the people you are hurting. You are young and you probably have a lot going for you. She is wasting your time when you could be making new friends and dating people you have more in common with. Even if she leaves her husband, do you really want to be with a 50 YO when you are 30? With a 60 YO when you are 40? Do you want kids? Because if she is already in her 40s, she is probably done with that phase of her life. Have you ever thought that you may be wasting your time when you could be having fun with people your age, dating around and possibly even finding your life mate? I accept that I am selfish. I know this is probably true. Kids don't really interest me (I am pretty good with them, and firm when need be, but I just don't have a lot of desire them personally)....and I don't think having an older spouse would be the end of the world, if the relationship was good....but the relationship isn't good, its started under very bad circumstances. I have learned a lot about selfishness....in general, in me, and in others.....it has the capacity to ruin many lives. I need to stop being selfish. I appreciate your frank honesty, Chump64.
Chump64 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 You sound like you know exactly what you need to do. But I suspect a lot of wayward people know what they should do. H*ll, my husband knew what to do / tried to stop his affair for years, but did not until he was caught. I hope this isn't too harsh but there isn't much about your GF that sounds attractive or pleasant. She sounds basket-case-ish. Furthermore, if she leaves he spouse for you, what will stop her from eventually cheating on YOU?
Author TheShadowMan Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 You sound like you know exactly what you need to do. But I suspect a lot of wayward people know what they should do. H*ll, my husband knew what to do / tried to stop his affair for years, but did not until he was caught. I hope this isn't too harsh but there isn't much about your GF that sounds attractive or pleasant. She sounds basket-case-ish. Furthermore, if she leaves he spouse for you, what will stop her from eventually cheating on YOU? I've asked her that before flat out "how do you I know you won't have someone on the side when its just you and me, when its me telling you we can't afford X or shouldn't do Y, and its not just dreamy whatevers" and she just tells me that I don't get her, don't understand her heart. She is no more nutty than I am. I have been dementedly thinking I have been trying to be unselfish by loving her through this and not demanding for myself.....I was fooling myself. I thought that if I said "lets stop having sex" that it would make the relationship be ok, and not so wrong.....but that doesn't work. You're right...I've known what I've needed to do. I just need the balls to do it. Anyone know where I can go get some balls?
Chump64 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I don't know what to tell you. I'm married to a ball-less man myself. Like I said, his jig wasn't up until I nailed his balls to the wall. Good luck.
Recommended Posts