ChaseYng2005 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Im a guy dating a guy, but dont let that get in the way of your advice. I don't know what I'm looking for really, I just want something that will make me feel better and help me to move on. He told me "I love you, but Im not in love with you." He's been seeing his ex lately and says he needs to confess to him that he is still seeing me. I told him it is not enough and I cant do it anymore. In a way, I broke it off. But I broke it off only because I can't take not being number 1. How can you love someone and be strongly sexually attracted to them but not be in love with them?? What does "in love" mean and why dont I have the ability to create it??? Is there something wrong with me??? I feel like im some human who god didnt give the grace of attracting love. How can someone share his hopes and dreams with me but give his love to someone else???
jennifer1983 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Well first of all I am sorry to hear youre difficult situation. I have actually loved a guy before and not been in love with him. This is something that is hard to explain but for me this guy was perfect and I really wanted to be in love with him. He did nothing wrong at all...I did love him but it was because I forced the love because he was such a great guy. It is nothing you are doing trust me, especially if he is still hurt from a past relationship. No matter what you do or say to him he can't change his mind even if he wanted to. We can't help who we fall in love with. I look back and think about what a great guy he was just not the guy for me. You have to look at your situation that way instead of thinking you are doing something wrong when in fact I am sure you probably aren't doing anything more wrong than the average relationship. Good luck and don't worry I am sure you will find someone perfect for you.
Milo Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 There is no such thing as "I love you" and not being in love with a person. You are just twisting the word to mean too many things. It makes more sense to say that you deeply care about someone but do not love them, implying by witholding love that you are not attracted to them.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Milo, that's what I don't understand. He says he loves me and it's so hard to resist being intimate with me. Yesterday when we were together and he seemd withdrawn. I snuggled up to him and held his hand, and he responded at first, but then said he can't do it anymore. He's been trying to work things out with his ex and he actually tried to stop seeing me, but he couldn't. He constantly tells me that he's been hurt too much. He even said he couldn't love anymore, but then he turns around, without any pushing from me and shows me love and affection. Is it possible he's afraid I would leave him considering im so much younger and a tad bit unstable??
UnderWorld Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 because i feel "falling" in love is a long time thing and it grows on u...but being "in-love" is actual feeeling as one w/ that person and u can see your reflection in them!
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 I think the most painful thing he said was "You used to make me happy at one point." When I asked him what happened, he said "Nothing, it was me."
notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Milo, that's what I don't understand. He says he loves me and it's so hard to resist being intimate with me. Yesterday when we were together and he seemd withdrawn. I snuggled up to him and held his hand, and he responded at first, but then said he can't do it anymore. He's been trying to work things out with his ex and he actually tried to stop seeing me, but he couldn't. He constantly tells me that he's been hurt too much. He even said he couldn't love anymore, but then he turns around, without any pushing from me and shows me love and affection. Is it possible he's afraid I would leave him considering im so much younger and a tad bit unstable?? There are aspects of this situation that are similar to what I went through with my ex girlfriend. We had an amazingly deep bond at an emotional and physical level -- yet, in the end, there were too many other factors (to her) that were not correctly in place for the relationship to continue. Try to look at all the other aspects of your relationship besides the emotional and phyisical bond you have -- for example, do you have the same outside interests? Are you stimulated intellectually the same way? Same sense of humor, etc., etc., etc. -- it might be that to your bf, there are too many other areas of concern to him.
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Here is my opinion and i think it might be the right one to. I heard from alot of people, yeah you can love someone but not be in love with them...I have not had that yet..but being in love Is that just warm feeling, touchy giggly deep emotional feeling you get with someone, He likes you...but does not love you( in love with you) same difference- He is in love with his ex, and thats why he can't love anyone... I dont get why people go to other people, when they are in love with some one else and can't figure out why they can't love again...I meen its because your not over that one person...he likes you though, But i would stay back....the ex factor is a big deal man
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 True...the ex is a big factor. I thought he was no factor because I always heard about how much of a pain he was and how he didnt really love him. He told me he could love neither of us and that he didnt want to hurt us. However, Im more direct in what I want and refuse to play games so I forced him to show his hand, which resulted in our breakup. I guess I should wave the white flag. I really didnt want to lose to that bit&hy ex..but oh well. He has told me several times that I sometimes intimidate him and Im somewhat of a mystery in how I think. He said that sometimes I make him feel stupid. I also live with my parents and bounce from job to job trying to find my niche. He told me that none of that made a difference, but I think he lied.
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Here is the thing, he shares a past with this other fellow...and what if he chooses to be with his ex?...you don't want to have someone to have to think about wanting to be with you...and if he isn't in love with you, he might not be able to fall in love with you...you don't want to be hurt so be careful
BUTAFLY Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 The ol I love you but not in love with you I never thought anyone actually said that until it was said to me. It felt like a hot steak right through the heart. never underestimate the power of the ex. Tall tale sign is if he was still taking about the ex, even if it is in a bad light. that just means their is unresolved issues and he is venting. It does not mean its over between them. I learned that the hard way. your story so parrells mine. My ex was engaged, his fiance broke it off, he met me (I didn't know of this past). he spoke badly of her every now and again but nothing to be suspious about. well one day I got the speech. I love you but not in love with you and weeks later he got married to her. He had the nerve to give me a list of reasons why he chose her,Talk about devistated side note: I suspect he was just cheating on her & dating me too. I don't think the story of she broke it off and called it back on was true.
a bit lost Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 i must say that this happened to me recently. "i love you, i find you attractive but i dont think im in love with you anymore". i really dont see how. in my situation we were so compatible, same interests and sense of humour, the kind of connection where you know what the other person is thinking without the need to say it. nothing had changed (relationship wise, all was tickedy boo). i think being in love is not something that can be constant in a long term relationship, it can fluctuate over time, depending on the situation, what is going on in a persons life etc. love progresses over time long term and changes into different and evolving types of love. i dont think you can end a good relationship due to having doubts of 'being in love' as i think it can be affected by things happening in your life and your mood. anyone agree??
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Update: Just when I was beginning to get over him, he calls me last night wanting to talk. I don't answer, but I got the message he left. I emailed him today saying that I can't settle just being his friend right now and it's best that we don't communicate. When I'm over him, I'll contact him. He hasn't responded, which means I did the right thing probably.. But for some reason, some of my hurt is revitalized, and I don't know why. This is harder than I thought, but joking about it and a little wine now and then helps.
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