GoingDownSwinging Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I dated my ex for 6 months. We had been "friends" for about 3 years (I put that in quotes because we didn't talk much for some of that time) before we started dating. We had a fairly tumultuous relationship (mainly due to it being long distance), and often argued about meaningless things. He was always very jealous...although I did play some games at the beginning. At the beginning of January, I decided that all of the fighting had to stop and that I needed some time apart. Needless to say, the time apart thing didn't work. We just couldn't seem to leave each other alone. We still talked every day (mostly faught) and the relationship just deteriorated from there. This past weekend, we got into one more major fight and completely quit talking to me. Both Sunday and Monday I called and called and called, and sent him text message after text message. He never responded. Let me mention, that the week before this he was calling and calling and I was the one not answering. On Tuesday I finally forced myself to leave him alone and I made it all the way until Wednesday night, when I finally called him again. He didn't answer. I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore so I drove all night (approx. 5 hours) long and at 12:30 am I ended up on his doorstep. When he opened the door he was very suprised to see me and gave me a giant hug. He invited me in and we talked for hours. The next day, however, things were different. We talked and cried all day long. He told me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me but that we need some time apart. He said that he "needs time to get over" all of the things that I did to him at the beginning of our relationship. Plus, he has told his parents practically everything about the demise of the relationship and now they aren't exactly fond of me. I drove home last night and we talked on the phone for a majority of the drive. He kept telling me that he missed me and that he wished I wouldn't have left etc. This morning, I woke up thinking things were better. I called him, and he went right back into the whole spill about how we need time apart and how we shouldn't talk. I told him that the only way that I could let go of the relationship was just to tell myself that we are over for good. I hung up the phone and actually felt like I might have found some peace. Not 5 minutes later he starts text messaging me telling me how he "just doesn't know where to turn" and how he "loves me and misses me" but knows that we can't be together right now. So now, here I am. More confused than I was when he was ignoring me. I've been reading the book "Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken" (The sequal to "He's Just Not That Into You") and it just doesn't seem to be helping; although, I have taken the book's advice and have made a promise to myself not to have any contact with him for 60 days. I just don't know what to do. I'm confused, worried, and just plain scared....HELP!
Walking away Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I am going through a situation just like yours. We both also decided that we needed a break. We both love each other but cannot be together right now. I have that same book. It has inspired me, yet, at weak times, I feel like you. We still continue to e-mail each other. We are also in a very complicated long distance relationship. I will do this NC with you, day by day. It is the hardest thing to walk away from someone that you love and who loves you in return. I feel that if we are meant to be, absence will make the heart grow fonder. I hope for that for you too. I am just as confused as you. Wish I could be more help...
Author GoingDownSwinging Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Its so glad to hear that I am not the only one going through this. Its so hard. I keep staring at my phone hoping that he will send a text or something. I have put his number on silent so that I won't even hear it if he does call. Im sorry that you are going through this too. I hope I can help to keep your encouraged through this tough time...
Walking away Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 You know, it is tough when I hear from him too because it brings back all the old feelings that are just below the surface. I feel better when I hear from him, yet it hurts because things are different, too. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson? He addresses saving a relationship without the help of the other party. Mostly deals with infidelity, but the concepts address our situation also.
Author GoingDownSwinging Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Uggg...he just sent me a text message...it said "I have been working all day, I wasn't ignoring you this morning" (I guess bc I texted him and he didnt text back) "I am about to start homework, it sucks, i have a lot, take care honey"....Honey? I mean what the hell...I had left him alone all day...why does he have to try to always keep me hanging...
Walking away Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Not sure what he wants, I guess. You know, it just may be just as hard for our men to let go as it is for us. Maintain your dignity, don't call. GET THAT BOOK! It will give you a plan on how to get a "less interested" partner to move towards you. I have used this book and it never fails to work UNLESS there is not one shred of love left on his part. And it sure doesn't seem like that with your situation. Pull back and let him miss you. I've done it and it works. Tell yourself this: how can he miss me if I don't go away?
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 well hon it sounds like you are in for a rough ride because your relationship isn't working and you don't have the strength to end it and move on. so, realistically, here's what will probably happen. you will keep contacting him and vice versa for awhile. you will come here and post or vent to your friends during the entire process. you will probably get back together with him and split up again. it will be off and on for the next year. you might get back together but probably won't stay together forever. but maybe. think you can handle it?
In Sync Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I agree wholeheartedly with cygy's assessment of what will happen, because I sense you don't want to face the truth. Your bf, is trying to let it go. He's giving you mixed messages because he doesn't want to appear to be a total a**hole. He has no reason to be cold to you but he is distancing himself in a less confrontational way... Here's where you can make things either easier on yourself or open the door to more heartache. This is your fork in the road. So far he's easing out, he's busy and he's focusing on himself. Pay attention dear. You are ignoring his signals. By contacting him, he is going to run from you. He's going to build a brick wall to all your efforts and see them as suffocating him. Catch yourself before you slip into this desperate stage of trying to win him back and wanting to spend more time with him...you are already heading there..STOP IT NOW. It is painful this stage and you want relief from the discomfort, but going to him and wanting him to respond is not going to bring it..in fact it will increase your discomfort...Please focus on yourself and adhereing to NC. For your own best sake...you will be able to get through this phase if you trust that this is the best thing for you to do now!
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