nightowl Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I was dating this guy. Within a few months, we fell in love. We both know it was fast, but we were so into each other. There were no problems between us at all. We were getting along wonderfully. We both always had fun together. We were both always happy. Then, one day, he tells me that he is feeling overwhelmed and isn't ready for a relationship. He packed up all his stuff and moved in with a male friend of his, very far away. He won't tell me if he is coming back home or not. (He lived at home with his parents). He says he is confused and excited and so in love with me, yet he took off just like that!!! We have been having a long-distance relationship now for a week, calling, emailing each other every day...and it is driving me nuts! I want him to come back home and deal with this. He knows how much I miss him, tells me he misses me too. He says he is still with me, that we have a relationship, but he is too far away for me to even visit him! I asked him if he will come to visit with me soon, and he wouldn't commit to even visiting me! He has all of these excuses. I am feeling so hurt and so frustrated. I'm so confused by this guy. Why would a guy do this? Why would he move so far away? What can I do? Has anyone been through anything weird like this? This seem so f**ked up to me. I feel like just breaking up with him. I feel strung along and like my head is being played with. Do guys really get this afraid? Who in their right mind runs away from the woman he is supposedly in love with. This guy was talking about having a house and a baby with me!
Forever Searching Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 If I were you I would just break it off but don't even give him the courtesy of telling him it's over. Just don't talk to him anymore. Give him back a dose of his own medicine. He left you without a logical explanation and didin't care how you would feel. To tell you the truth you may want to look further into this. Something sounds fishy. Just how well do you think you know this guy? Have you met his parents before? Sounds to me likes he's hiding something.
Author nightowl Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Thanks for your words FS. I think something is fishy too. I really don't get it. Maybe he has another woman where he is now? Maybe he has a double life or something? To me, it just seems so cruel and heartless to do this. I wouldn't just leave somebody like this. He says he wants to stay with me, wants to still be with me...but why didn't he stay here if he wanted to stay with me? I know he was having some problems with his mom. He wanted to get away from her. He could have gotten his own place, or moved in with a friend here though. One of his buddies would have taken him in for sure. I don't know...I just feel like my heart is being trambled on. This doesn't feel like love to me. I feel messed up. He knows that I miss him terribly, I've cried on the phone and everything. Could he be one of this committment phobes?
bluechocolate Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Then, one day, he tells me that he is feeling overwhelmed and isn't ready for a relationship. then: He says he is still with me, that we have a relationship..... ....but he is too far away for me to even visit him! I asked him if he will come to visit with me soon, and he wouldn't commit to even visiting me! He has all of these excuses. That doesn't sound like a relationship to me, long distance or not. He shouldn't keep you hanging like this. He knows that. You know that. I think you should end it. Maybe one day when he moves back & gets some sense you could reconsider & takes thing slower.
Author nightowl Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 bc, ya, it doesn't exactly sound like a relationship, does it? I feel like I'm being used. He's happy. I'm not. I'm really not. I don't even know if he will move back. This is so messed up.
SweptAway Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I fell massively in love with a guy once, after being a good friend of his for a about a year (although I always had a crush on him). He was bisexual and was in a serious relationship with a guy when we met. They broke up. I fell for him, apparently he was head over heels for me. Thats what he told me and its what eveyrone else saw aswell. We dated for about six months. Then he broke up with me. Said it was "too hard" "didn't know who he was" blah blah bulls**t. He just disappeared. No contact. No further explanations, nothing. Turns out he left me for his ex. Moved in with him. It turns out he was gay the whole time. hah.
Author nightowl Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 sweptaway, wow! I know he is not gay or bisexual. I do feel that there IS something I don't know though. How long did it take for you to get over that? Did you ever talk to him again? I hate it when people just disappear. It's so immature, so cold and heartless!
bluechocolate Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I feel like I'm being used. He's happy. I'm not. I'm really not. Here's the thing - when you're in love & in a relationship, especially during the first few months, you should both be happy & you shouldn't be feeling used. Read my signature - for you the map says you're both in love & in a relationship & the ground says differently.
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 I don't know how he can be happy like this. I don't understand it. The ground is very different from the map. Wrong map maybe? I'm not even sure the map is real.
bluechocolate Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I don't know how he can be happy like this. I don't understand it. You don't need to be worrying about how he's feeling, concentrate on yourself. The ground is very different from the map. Wrong map maybe? I'm not even sure the map is real. (sorry - not laughing at you, just thought that was funny!)
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Hey, it's cool to laugh. I NEED to laugh right now. I've been crying over all of this so much! I feel like a wreck! This guy handed me a map drawn with crayons. The labels aren't even spelled correctly. Hang on, I don't think those are even words! Ugh!!! I can't believe he did this. I know he did, I know he is living elsewhere, but it feels so unreal. It seemed to all happen so fast. One minute he's here, then poof, he's gone. Just like that. Maybe he was planning to take off all along? Ugh! I'd like to know the truth of what is going on. I have no idea what the heck is going on in his head. How do I make good choices for me if I don't have all the facts? ...damn, hand me a new map, please!!!
bluechocolate Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I'd like to know the truth of what is going on. I have no idea what the heck is going on in his head. How do I make good choices for me if I don't have all the facts? Knowing the facts isn't going to change where you are now. Is it? ...damn, hand me a new map, please!!! Make your own. Maybe have one more conversation with him. Calm, rational, no tears. Ask him all the questions you have & if he can't, won't or prevaricates on the answers then call it a day. Though my honest opinion is that you shouldn't be going through all of this within a few months. It's way too much drama & if he does come back it could be just a taste of things to come.
Forever Searching Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 He is not worth your tears!!! I know it's hard to take now but eventually you will be glad he is out of your life!! You sound like a caring, inteliigient person and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. What he is doing is showing you neither. One, question, not that it makes a difference but did he tell you he was leaving or just leave and then you found out?
filarena Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I don't think it sounds like he's got a double life or another girl, I think it sounds like he has serious family problems and isn't stable. If you're trying to keep two girlfriends at once, do you disappear and so on? Unless he's massively stupid, this doesn't look to me like deception. It looks like he's a mess. It doesn't sound like he's willing to let you reach out to him though, even if you were so inclined, so I'd vote move on.
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 BC, Yes, it is a lot of drama, and yes, it probably would get worse, I needed that reminder, thank you. I am probably AM getting a taste of what it would be like to be with him. If he is "running" at this stage, what would he do later? Yikes! Oh, this just doesn't feel good for me at all. I called him today to talk about my concerns, but no one is answering the phone. Usually he is home in the day, so he may be ignoring his calls. I don't feel like I should call again. I should probably just let it go. He is acting like such a coward! FS, he told me he needed to get away for a bit, and that he was going to visit with his friend for a change of scenary, THEN when he called me from his friend's place, he told me he brought all of his things with him, which people do not do when they visit someone. I suddenly realized he had actually moved away. I felt so deceived. I felt confused and dumbfounded. I asked was it not just a visit, and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he was coming back, and he said he didn't know. He said he might take off somewhere else. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked where, he said he didn't know. I am wondering if I was his last hurrah, so to speak, before he moved away. I feel rather humiliated to think that I was being used. Perhaps the words "I love you" mean very little to him. All of this from a man who told me he was so in love with me, and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I am doubting whether or not he is even capable of a mature, loving, committed relationship. He talked the talk, but he sure didn't and doesn't walk the walk. His actions are hurting me. It's really that simple, isn't it. This man is hurting me. I'm trying to figure everything out in my head before I talk with him again. I don't want to fall for any more lines or any shallow promises or empty gestures of supposed undying love and affection. I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. He was so giving, so attentive, and so into me when he was living here. I just don't know what happened. It is like he just flipped or something. Who is this guy? It seems like I am dealing with two different people or something! It is as though he has a twin. I don't know how else to explain it, it just feels so bizarre. I don't know what is, or what is not, real for this man.
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Filarena, Unstable and a mess, you probably just hit the nail on the head. Maybe it just isn't more complicated than that. Perhaps I am overanalyzing, to no avail? Thanks for your input.
Forever Searching Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I'm trying to figure everything out in my head before I talk with him again. I don't want to fall for any more lines or any shallow promises or empty gestures of supposed undying love and affection. I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. He was so giving, so attentive, and so into me when he was living here. I just don't know what happened. It is like he just flipped or something. Who is this guy? It seems like I am dealing with two different people or something! It is as though he has a twin. I don't know how else to explain it, it just feels so bizarre. I don't know what is, or what is not, real for this man. I'm so sorry you are hurting this much right now. I've thought those same thoughts before actually feeling the same thing right now because I am going through a breakup where he came on strong and I gave in and trusted him and then all of a sudden within a month it fizzled. You need to worry about YOU take care of yourself and completely shut him out right now. I think you know that's the healthiest thing for you to do right now so you can clear your head and deal with the emotions you feel right now. He wanted space, give it to him, lots of it and don't look back for the time being.
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 You need to pull the decision making from him and make the decision yourself.. Decide to Dump Him.. oh.. and Decide to never speak to him....What a toad
Lilly Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Nightowl, you have just described a commitmentphobic man. I had the very same thing happen to me by a man I was totally in love with. He actually told me he had a fear of commitment though. So when he took off, just when things were going so great with us, I read some very good books on men who are commitmentphobic. I recommend you read some of these books. I think it will help you understand better what happened. The books are "Men Who Can't Love", The Commitment Cure", and "Why Men Won't Commit". You should not contact this guy anymore. It will only push him further away if you keep calling him. Do you know if he has done this to other women he had relationships with in the past? I would be willing to bet he has done this to every woman he has had a relationship with. Just when things are at their best in the relationship, these men run as fast as they can. Good luck, but if you let this guy come back, he will do this to you over and over again. If you do not contact him, he will probably come back. It may be two weeks or two months. He will not change though. They say their commit fears usually has something to do with bad experiences as a child. I did a lot of research on commitmentphobic and ambivalent men because I was hurting so bad. He did just what the books said he would do. I did not contact him and he showed up again after about two months. You have to absolutely do NO CONTACT.
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 I think he is ignoring my call. I texted him, and I think he is ingnoring that too. This is so stupid. I need to do what is right for me, and stop worrying so much about his feelings. He doesn't seem to give a rat's ass for my feelings! Lilly, you may be right. He may be committment phobic. There is no need for him to act like such a jerk though. I'm going to read up on committment phobia. Thanks for the book titles. What a selfish jerk!!!
Milo Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 What a nutcase. I would definitely give up on that.
Weye Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 What would possess a guy to just up and leave a girl who he loves and wants to get married to? Because he's confused or unsure of things? Not unless he's a nut. I'll bet there's something going on that he isn't telling oyu about. But at this point is doesn't matter. Drop him like a stone.
violet_21 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Oh man that is horrible.. I am so sorry!!! I would be devestated. I agree with the others, that you should not talk to him and freak out etc.. you will be upset either way but don't give him the privilage of seeing you upset. Let him think you are just fine without him and let him see just what he is missing! If he is smart, he will come back. If he does, give it another chance but if it happens again, I would dump him. If he does come back, I would demand an explanation, and without one don't let him back into your life. That is just an awful thing to do.
l2hvn Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 sounds like he's already planned on leaving this whole time. regardless if it's a family problem or not, no sane person would just up and leave everything behind, esp. a girl whom he's *supposed* to love and care about. there's a million reasons why he left. but he did leave. i don't think it would really make any difference if he gives you a reason for leaving. it's not going to change how you feel about it. like the other poster has said, you shouldn't even be feeling this way this early on in the relationship. it's still supposed to be a honeymoon phase. unless of course, like most commitment-phobics, he freaked out. i don't know but something's not right here. and your gut tells you the same thing. trust your instinct. it's usually right. my advice is to just let it go and move on. don't even contact him or anything. he's not worth it. and don't beat yourself up. you took a chance in love. it's one of the most courageous things not many people can do.
Author nightowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to my post. You have all been so helpful, and I really appreciate your words, opinions, and suggestions. To have so many people say pretty much the same thing helps me to be more objective and less emotional about this 'relationship'. 1
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