Internet dating and age ranges (q. for the guys?)

January 24, 2006

Anyone is free to answer this, of course, but I'm really interested to hear what the guys here think.

So, internet dating. I've noticed that many men, when searching for women, will put an age range of either their age through minus ten, or their age plus five and minus ten, or even their age minus two through minus ten. Or something along those lines.

Example: Man, age 35, seeks woman, age 20-35. (Or age 20-30. Or age 20-40.)

I'm just wondering if this is about childbirth (even for the guys who say they don't know if they want kids...maybe they just want to leave that option open?) or if it's just a general holdover from the old idea that men mature later, or what?

As a woman in my mid-30s, I get bombarded by emails from men 40+, but rarely from men even my own age. And yet, when I've contacted younger men (or men my age) myself, they were interested. They just didn't see me first, because I don't pop up in their age search range.

Since I'm okay with doing my own share of contacting, it's working out fine for me. But I admit, I'm confused.

So I'd love any insight into the thought process. I gotta say, I doubt I'd have that much in common with a 20-year-old. Maybe a short-term thing (I've had those with younger men) but probably not a long-term relationship. But it seems many 30+ men will go right down to the legal age limit when searching for their "soul mate", without batting an eye.

Okay, but seriously. What up with that? Ten to fifteen years younger is no problem, but a woman five years older isn't on the radar? Bizarro.

Thoughts?

-serial muser

January 24, 2006

Anyone is free to answer this, of course, but I'm really interested to hear what the guys here think.

So, internet dating. I've noticed that many men, when searching for women, will put an age range of either their age through minus ten, or their age plus five and minus ten, or even their age minus two through minus ten. Or something along those lines.

Example: Man, age 35, seeks woman, age 20-35. (Or age 20-30. Or age 20-40.)

I'm just wondering if this is about childbirth (even for the guys who say they don't know if they want kids...maybe they just want to leave that option open?) or if it's just a general holdover from the old idea that men mature later, or what?

As a woman in my mid-30s, I get bombarded by emails from men 40+, but rarely from men even my own age. And yet, when I've contacted younger men (or men my age) myself, they were interested. They just didn't see me first, because I don't pop up in their age search range.

Since I'm okay with doing my own share of contacting, it's working out fine for me. But I admit, I'm confused.

So I'd love any insight into the thought process. I gotta say, I doubt I'd have that much in common with a 20-year-old. Maybe a short-term thing (I've had those with younger men) but probably not a long-term relationship. But it seems many 30+ men will go right down to the legal age limit when searching for their "soul mate", without batting an eye. (But perish the thought they might venture to date a woman more than five years older!!)

Okay, but seriously. What up with that? Thoughts?

-serial muser

I'll give you my thoughts since I've been flooded with responses to my ad. LOL. Makes me feel good.

I put in an age range of 26-32. Yes, part of the reason is having kids. However the main reason is that I look much younger than my age and I relate with younger people better.

In my ad I've received responses from women 25-45 so they aren't bothered too much about the ages I requested. I guess I just wrote a damn good ad

January 24, 2006

Hey, cool. So that was a sort of followup question - if a guy posts an age range, certainly I'll think twice about emailing, since he apparently knows what he wants, right? And yet...not always. Generally, if I like his profile enough, I'll write anyway. But then I run the risk of looking like I haven't read his profile. Ugh.

That's the question. If you specify a range, how important is that range to you?

January 24, 2006

Oh, yeah - I know what you mean about relating to people younger than you. I'm fairly immature so honestly, I probably relate best to guys who are early 30s and just figuring themselves out, too.

By the way, how old are you caliguy? (If you don't mind my asking. )

January 24, 2006

For a LTR, pretty important.

If it's just a FWB situation, not important at all.

January 24, 2006

Oh, yeah - I know what you mean about relating to people younger than you. I'm fairly immature so honestly, I probably relate best to guys who are early 30s and just figuring themselves out, too.

By the way, how old are you caliguy? (If you don't mind my asking. )

I'll be 37 next month

January 24, 2006

I'll be 37 next month

shocking, and now i remember the whole fraternity thing that chick poked at you on that other thread

January 24, 2006

shocking, and now i remember the whole fraternity thing that chick poked at you on that other thread

What was it? I can't remember so it must not have been that funny

January 24, 2006

Personally, I think for many guys it's a mix of things, including looks (younger = more attractive to a lot of men) but also control. It's a lot easier to feel wiser, more worldly, and more mature, and to always be right, when you are older. I know a lot of guys who date younger for this reason and I was always turned off by it.

I tried internet dating last summer. At age 23, I was looking for 21 to 25. I wound up meeting an amazing girl who happens to be 19. I feel like she defers to my judgment more often than she would just because I'm older. Frankly, I'd prefer us to be more of equals. I try my best not to exploit the age difference. But if a guy is insecure enough, there can be great appeal in that.

January 24, 2006

From his looks I thought Cali Guy might have been 26 instead of 36, so I purposely pissed him off (since I am 44) .... he is kind hearted though in his thought processes, just looks younger than his age. He is insightful and smart though which are not qualities that should be overlooked in somenoe that you might find to be a significant friend...

January 24, 2006

I tried internet dating last summer. At age 23, I was looking for 21 to 25. I wound up meeting an amazing girl who happens to be 19. I feel like she defers to my judgment more often than she would just because I'm older. Frankly, I'd prefer us to be more of equals. I try my best not to exploit the age difference. But if a guy is insecure enough, there can be great appeal in that.

It also depends largely on the personality of the woman... I, for example, dated 5 to 9 years older than me as a rule when I was in my teens (yes, I know, illegal, but too late to prosecute now )... those motherf***ers couldn't get a single one past me, I'll tell you what. I always seemed to be the dominant or more intelligent one.

January 24, 2006

BBQ

HUH?

I am confused beyond reason by your post - please clarify...

January 24, 2006

He said that men find the submissiveness of younger women appealing, and I responded that younger women are not necessarily submissive.

January 24, 2006

It also depends largely on the personality of the woman... I, for example, dated 5 to 9 years older than me as a rule when I was in my teens (yes, I know, illegal, but too late to prosecute now )... those motherf***ers couldn't get a single one past me, I'll tell you what. I always seemed to be the dominant or more intelligent one.

Which, in my mind, suggests that you were mature for your age but also that they were not particularly mature for their ages. Unless you just happen to be leaps and bounds ahead of your time, if you were the more dominant and intelligent one with a guy 9 years older than you while you were only a teenager, I have a damn hard time believing he was very smart or mature for his age.

I've had lots of younger girls try and hit on me and I'd tell them they are too young for me. They'd say they usually date guys my age or older. I don't doubt it. And I don't doubt they were more than able to handle themselves with those guys. Sure, I imagine some of those guys weren't the types who as a rule went younger, but I'd bet a good number of them were. Guys who aim lower on the age range generally do so for a reason.

All of which is to say I don't think that disproves my point, I think it just means they were hoping you were more submissive but bit off more than they could chew.

January 24, 2006

Sigh. What about those of us (women) who are 34, look 26, like to play video games, watch cartoons, run around like goofballs and from time to time don't act our age and like it that way?

And, well...I don't want to date a man of any age who will condescend to me, try to correct me or generally act like Pygmalion, or worse, my dad. Yuk.

I mean, the idea is to find a mate who wants you for you, not because you're a blank slate. And vice versa, right, guys?

-musealicious

January 24, 2006

if you were the more dominant and intelligent one with a guy 9 years older than you while you were only a teenager, I have a damn hard time believing he was very smart or mature for his age.

No, they were pretty smart... there's no way I could carry on a relationship with someone who wasn't. I still keep in touch with many of them (or at least I did, until my recent resolution to remove all exes from my life), and they're at the top of their game, intellectually and in their careers... maybe they were indeed hoping for a "softer" girl - guess I'll never know - but since power struggles were generally not an issue in these relationships, I would guess not. Regardless, it wasn't lack of intelligence of maturity that made these poor suckers my b1tches. I've just always been an amazon type, I guess. Like I said, personalities vary, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a naturally assertive chick who will defer to a man because he's got a few years on her.

January 24, 2006

Men in your age group ( single ) are in less supply. Consequently, men in their 20's or 40+ are in higher supply. You will have to either date the 20 somethings or the older farts.

January 24, 2006

Well there are certainly many exceptions to any generalization, and I didn't intend for my statement to be an absolute. And you're certainly right that assertive girls are less likely to defer to any guy.

But just because young women are not *necessarily* submissive in all cases doesn't mean that isn't the strategy guys are playing. So long as some guys perceive younger girls to, on average, be more submissive, it's only logical that some of them will date younger girls in hopes of them being more submissive.

January 24, 2006

I don't think being submissive has anything to do with it. No man in his right mind would want to live a lifetime with a partner who has no backbone.

I believe it has a lot more to do with having kids than anything.

January 25, 2006

My boyfriend is 35, and I am 21.

The reasons I think he was interested is because, he used to be married to someone that, wasn't aging very gracefully and gained alot of weight, as well as became kind of mean and harsh with him and he said she almost was like his mother instead of a wife.

We get along really well, and I think men are mostly a bit less mature mentally than women so older men/younger women go well together.

Of course there are things that clash.. like he wants to go to bed early everynight even weekends and I am like aahhhghhg

lol.. but for the most part its a good match

January 25, 2006

But it seems many 30+ men will go right down to the legal age limit when searching for their "soul mate", without batting an eye.

-serial muser

Wishful thinking?

I have been on both ends of the age gap thing. I was married to someone a lot older than me; 12 years and now I am with someone a lot younger than me; 19 years.

I am not so sure it is the kids thing with men as there are plenty with kids and don't want anymore but still put those types of age ranges.

I get along much better with my younger man than I ever did with the ex hubby. The thing is neither one of us would have even considered anyone in our age range before we got together. I was thinking 10 years either way max.

January 25, 2006

I think men are mostly a bit less mature mentally than women so older men/younger women go well together.

I know this works for your relationship, but as a general rule, I find it a bit frustrating. I mean, I know this is the perception lots of people have, and they cling to it, but I don't think it's got much basis in reality. I meet lots of men younger than me, or my age, who are more "settle"-minded than I am. Certainly more so than I would have been a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if I've made it hard for myself, by not being ready to settle down in my 20s, the target dating age, apparently, for guys my current age.

But when I was in my 20s, I definitely wasn't ready to settle down, any more than the men my age were. And at that time, I wouldn't have been interested in those men that were. So, whatcha gonna do?

Hopefully, the guy for me is still out there somewhere.

I am not so sure it is the kids thing with men as there are plenty with kids and don't want anymore but still put those types of age ranges.

I get along much better with my younger man than I ever did with the ex hubby. The thing is neither one of us would have even considered anyone in our age range before we got together. I was thinking 10 years either way max.

Yep, I think you've got something here. I guess that's what I was trying to say: it's a matter of expectation vs. reality. The expectation is that older men will want younger women. Many men assume that's who they'll like, and many women assume the same. So that's what they search for. But I think that, when those guys (and girls) meet the reality, they are more willing to date the person rather than the age.

It's funny, the impact that online dating has. In some ways, it lets you get past the veneer, by letting you see into a person's personality. And in other ways, it's actually designed around those surface screens.

January 26, 2006

I know this works for your relationship, but as a general rule, I find it a bit frustrating. I mean, I know this is the perception lots of people have, and they cling to it, but I don't think it's got much basis in reality. I meet lots of men younger than me, or my age, who are more "settle"-minded than I am. Certainly more so than I would have been a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if I've made it hard for myself, by not being ready to settle down in my 20s, the target dating age, apparently, for guys my current age.

But when I was in my 20s, I definitely wasn't ready to settle down, any more than the men my age were. And at that time, I wouldn't have been interested in those men that were. So, whatcha gonna do?

Hopefully, the guy for me is still out there somewhere.

Yep, I think you've got something here. I guess that's what I was trying to say: it's a matter of expectation vs. reality. The expectation is that older men will want younger women. Many men assume that's who they'll like, and many women assume the same. So that's what they search for. But I think that, when those guys (and girls) meet the reality, they are more willing to date the person rather than the age.

It's funny, the impact that online dating has. In some ways, it lets you get past the veneer, by letting you see into a person's personality. And in other ways, it's actually designed around those surface screens.

Good points. I suspect the 40 year old guy with the 18 year girl is more of an ego booster than anything. I was a trophy for my ex but didn't realize it at the time.

I seriously doubt I would have anything in common with an 18 year old boy. People change so much from just their teens to their 20s.

I doubt me and the current bf would have hooked up if we hadn't met online. He is still a bit immature but mature in other ways. I think he likes the stability I provide and my confidence and also the fact that I don't play silly games.

January 26, 2006

I think the answer is very simple. Most men will FIRST choose by looks and may even stop there if they are not physically attracted to the woman. On the other hand, most young women look prettier than the older ones. I mean, the same person may look cute at 25 but average at 45 or even 35, depending on how much she takes care of her face and body.

So basically, I think it's just a matter of their previous experience. E.g. my husband and I met on a dating site and he is 18 years older than me. I contacted him first (I like older men). He told me that he is simply not attracted physically to most of the women of his age, probably because physical beauty usually vanishes (it's a sad fact). Yet his ex-wife was his age and very attractive.

The point is: most of them like women who look 25; if you manage to look young at 40, you'll "pass the exam." Plus their instinct for reproduction leads them to younger women. However, not all men are attracted to young girls. Some, on the contrary, like older than themselves or within a few-year range of their own age.

January 26, 2006

I've got the problem of most men in my age group and older not being attractive to me. I'm sure there are exceptions but i'd like a man about 5 years younger. It's a better match in terms of outlook on life, the way I look at it. Most men my age are way too settled. I've never really settled down, although I was married for over 10 years. Instead I've kept pushing myself, learning new things, travelling and growing. And I'm also very involved with youth culture. I look much younger than my age (10-15 years younger). I have the problem of alot of men on the street being attracted to me--the younger ones generally too immature, the older ones too settled, and the ones in the age group I relate to are either married or looking for someone younger (because of the kids thing i suppose).

so despite all the attention, I can't find anyone i want a LTR with! frustrating!

My husband was 10 years older and i know i don't want that again. It got stifling for me and i'm too active.

I had a bf that was 12 years younger and he was in a different place in life.

i'm getting tired of the superficial relationships i am offered. One more player or cheater and it will just be too much. i will have to close shop, lol.

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