Apologies this i going to be VERY long, but I need you to undersand

[curiousnycgirl]

I've posted before - about my lack of sex life with my b/f (of 19 months), and how I planned on discussing it with him after christmas, and probably ending the relationship. Well I decided it would be better to discuss it in a more positive manner to give us another chance.

 

So after Christmas we had a lovely day - went hunting (his favorite pastime which I've taken up since meeting him) and then were scheduled to be at my parents house for dinner for Chanukah (yes I'm jewish, he's protestant). Then he was scheduled to fly out of town Wednesday (despite the fact that I had already commented that I'm not happy being alone New Years).

 

A little more background - we live roughly 1.5 hours apart - so going back and forth is not just a hop skip and a jump.

 

As we are getting ready to leave for dinner, I discover that he expects me to drive him home in the morning, then pick him up wednesday to take him to the airport (which is 15 minutes past my house - further away from his). I guess I had assumed he would get his sh*t together Monday - and stay with me Tuesday and let me just take him to the airport wednesday - a FAR easier scenario on me. WRONG

 

So now I'm really feeling taken advantage of - but refocus on my biggest issue, our lack of sex life. So on our way to dinner I bring it up. Asked him what is going on - had he lost interest in me, or in sex in general or what. Told him we needed to talk about it. He said ok. That was it. When I pushed he said he guesses he lost interest, so I asked again if it was lack of interest in me - he said he didn't think so - just lack of interest in sex overall. I then explained to him that I felt that he did not find me attractive anymore, etc and that I was very difficult for me - repeated that we needed to discuss this. At which point he said he would need to think about it, he hadn't before - and needed time before he could discuss it. WTF we have only had sex once in 12 months!

 

I understand life has been rough for him over the past year, he lost his job in february and is still unemployed - so I have made a concerted effort to make our time together fun and have paid for everything we do together since then. I truly do not mind this - but need to give it to you as background.

 

So I drove him home and picked him up and dropped him off per his plan - and then watched his dog (who I seriously LOVE) for the week and a half he was gone. He called me a few times while he was away - during on of those calls I told him that we missed him - his response was "Thanks" - I asked if that was all he had to say he said yes at which point I told him he really didn't give an inch did he and he said he guessed not.

 

Now I completely supported his traveling - it was for a potential business thing - but for G-d's sake he spent all his free time seeing his friends and had a lovely New Years Eve (even though he claims to hate New Years). To be honest I started to feel totally unimportant to him - btw NO he did not call me to wish me a happy new year.

 

He came home yesterday - I had been working from home (felt guilty leaving the dog alone, and my job allows that kind of flexibility) - but the dog and I had gone to get my car from the mechanic. He called when he got to my house asking how to get my internet working - I was short with him (I admit that) and asked couldn't he wait until I got home since my work PC was on and connected. When I got home the building's luggage cart was outside my apartment door, and he was sitting on the couch watching TV.

 

I cannot believe what came out of my mouth next! something to the effect of "the luggage cart is still in the hall and you are sititng on your ass?!" no hello, nothing else - how could I?! That's so not me! Of course he totally screamed at me - stormed out and returned the luggage cart to the doorman.

 

When he got back I was working - he watched TV for a while and eventually we started over - gave eachother hugs hello and that was it.

 

We then ran an errand for his son, and grabbed dinner (yet AGAIN I paid) at the Macaroni Grill, met some friend for drinks, went to his house and went to bed. I got a kiss on the cheek goodnight and a kiss on the cheek when he left to go hunting - I then left to ride my horse.

 

My synopsis here is that I am guess I am feeling taken advantage of. I ask for very little in this relationship - I only ask to be appreciated and loved (both physically and emotionally) - and I'm not getting even that. I think my crankyness was due to that. I guess I need to end this before I continue to get bitchier and bitchier.

 

Yes I am looking for the silver bullet here - looking for anyone to give me the magic words to say that will make it all better.

 

To be honest at this point I am crying over losing the dog!

 

HELP

[Sevenmack]

Sounds like you know the answer. But here's my thoughts:

 

1) He's a lazy, shiftless son-of-a-mutha who's lived off your dime and hasn't even given you the benefit of some good sex. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm supporting someone who isn't a relative or injured spouse, then I should at least get 'head' once a day. But I don't tend to worry about that because I don't tolerate such people in my life. You shouldn't either. Bang.

 

2) Didn't even call to wish you a Happy New Year. Understandable if you have just begun dating; it may be too personal a thing to say during the early period. But you've been with him for a year or so. Bang-Bang.

 

3) Wouldn't even discusss the lack of sex in the relationship, which to me, sounds like he's probably giving it good to some other woman. And probably did so on New Years Eve. Bang-Bang-Bang.

 

Sounds like you've got three silver bullets with which to end this relationship.

 

First you need to dump him. Then you need to take some time and consider some of your own issues. Not to be mean, but you've tolerated a rather useless and emotionally abusive relationship for over a year. One must wonder if you've had similar relationships -- not exactly like this one -- in that time. You should actually takes some time and figure out if you've had such relationships time and again, why do you do so. Then you must develop some self-respect; you don't deserve respect if you tolerate disrespect.

 

At least that's what I think.

[johan]

I have two perspectives:

 

1) People who are in love act a certain way so that you know it. They call, they care, they try hard to not take advantage, they get turned on, they act "in love". He doesn't. I think it makes sense that most of the time when someone doesn't act it, then they aren't feeling it. You shouldn't settle for that.

 

2) A person can be in love and really care, but be so personally fouled up that they can't properly express it and may not be in touch with it at all. Depression, insecurities, stress and other things can get in the way of expressing your feelings. That happens to people, but it shouldn't be accepted in the long term. People with this problem need to be able to listen and understand how they affect people and to be able to address the issue so that they aren't a burden on their loved ones. If they can't or won't work on their problem, then it's no different from number 1 above.

 

You definitely can do better, and it has to be his choice whether you'll do it with him or someone else. I don't really think it looks hopeful, but then I don't think you've really drawn the line for him yet. He hasn't had to make any hard choices because you haven't asked him to. You need to decide what you want and make it clear that if he doesn't offer it you'll be moving on. And then you have to actually follow through.

[Neptune]

The only way you can move foward is to end the relationship. There is nothing going on to work with. Yes, it is difficult to be alone but that opens you to the possibility of meeting someone new. The lack of sex is because of a lack of feelings for you. All his behavior supports that view.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks for your replies. I just want to make one thing clear - I am not supporting him at all. He fully supports himself - I only pay for the stuff we do together.

 

Granted I do have him on my insurance, as my significant other - but to me that doesn't count and is no biggie.

 

Really I only pay for dinners, or gifts when we go to someone's house, the car and hotel when we went to visit his family in Wisconsin - he used miles for the airfare - etc.

 

Regardless you are all right. Johann I appreciate your very insightful response. I WILL give him the benefit of choosing, but I am afraid it's probably a last attempt to fix the unfixable.

[curiousnycgirl]

Can anyone give me a clue how to start this conversation?

[cygny]

Thanks for your replies. I just want to make one thing clear - I am not supporting him at all. He fully supports himself - I only pay for the stuff we do together.

 

Granted I do have him on my insurance, as my significant other - but to me that doesn't count and is no biggie.

 

Really I only pay for dinners, or gifts when we go to someone's house, the car and hotel when we went to visit his family in Wisconsin - he used miles for the airfare - etc.

 

Regardless you are all right. Johann I appreciate your very insightful response. I WILL give him the benefit of choosing, but I am afraid it's probably a last attempt to fix the unfixable.

 

Why are you doing any of that? it makes you much less attractive and no challenge whatsoever. it is like you are his mother. if he was interested in you, he would be doing those things. his treatment of you confirms that he is not interested in you and is using you for the freebies and probably the emotional security.

 

sorry don't mean to be hurtful, but wake up and smell coffee.

[cygny]

Can anyone give me a clue how to start this conversation?

 

well, i would just say, 'it's over, i'm moving on.' that's all, he knows why.

[curiousnycgirl]

Well let's try to be fair - the guy hasn't had a job since February! No income since unemployment ran out in August (I think) - that's why I've been doing these things.

 

I hear what you are saying, and don't mean to be making excuses, but isn't this the type of stuff we do when we are in a committed relationship? When one is down, the other pulls more weight and vice versa? Who knew his unemployment would last this long?

[cygny]

Well let's try to be fair - the guy hasn't had a job since February! No income since unemployment ran out in August (I think) - that's why I've been doing these things.

 

I hear what you are saying, and don't mean to be making excuses, but isn't this the type of stuff we do when we are in a committed relationship? When one is down, the other pulls more weight and vice versa? Who knew his unemployment would last this long?

 

well come on, he didn't even call you on new year's day. what kind of relationship is that? not a loving, affectionate or even hot one. and no sex? he does go hunting, however, so he is not dead.

 

this relationship is so one-sided it is hard to understand why you take it seriously. you must be very bonded to him emotionally to be trying to rationalize his actions.

[Pendawn]

Well let's try to be fair - the guy hasn't had a job since February! No income since unemployment ran out in August (I think) - that's why I've been doing these things.

 

I hear what you are saying, and don't mean to be making excuses, but isn't this the type of stuff we do when we are in a committed relationship? When one is down, the other pulls more weight and vice versa? Who knew his unemployment would last this long?

 

 

Of course that's the way things go, but if it was not a problem for you, you wouldn't have related all those things (him expecting you to do stuff you having to pay AGAIN) in your story. So obviously YOU are not happy about that.

 

As I see it there are two seperate issues:

 

1) Your bf being unemployed so long is sufferring depression/low self-esteem etc. He just seems pretty apathetic about everything, including sex. And with not having a job he's feeling he doesn't know his role anymore, and with you paying for everything that just makes it more obvious. So his masculinitiy has been questioned (in his own mind) and he's lost interest in sex because of this. Notice what his favourtie pastime is: hunting! A very masculine - hunter gatherer - type sport where he feels pwoerful and in control. He has lost those elements in his real life becuase of his unemployment.

 

All those things are contributing to his lack of interest in sex, his apathy and laziness, his self-absorbtion. You have to be understaing of these problems and the situations and make allowances.

 

HOWEVER

 

2) He is not being aware of how much you are doing for him and is wallowing in self-pity and selfishness, and is not acknowledgeing the effect that HIS problems have on you and your relationship.

 

I think if I were you i'd sit him down at home, when youa re both relaxed _ not on teh wya to a publci palce or before you won't be together for a few days - and explain that you understand how hard things are for him right now, that you are there to help him and support him and you do it becuase you love him. BUT that you are feelign quite low yourself right now, that you need to FEEL his love for you, to know that all the things you are doing for him are appreciated and that he understands the lack of sex thing - while ntoa killer - does affect you and he needs to compensate in some way and show that he understands it makes you feel less loved but to reassure you fo his feelings in other ways.

 

If he is udnerstanding and tries to show his appreciation and his love then fine. if not or he gets angry at what you've said, then he really just does not deserve all you are doing for him and you need to do less and step away.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow pendawn that was good - thank you!

 

Hard to sit down in person though, living as far apart as we do - and the fact that I'm working, we only see eachother on weekends - since he hates driving to the city and his car is not exactly reliable - so I won't see him probably til Saturday evening, and then go home sunday evening. phooey. It's going to have to be over the phone.

 

But your words were right - dead on. I do these things cuz I love him and truly don't mind doing them, were I to feel any level of appreciation and/or affection back.

 

He thanks me for specific things - like watching and taking good care of his dog - but it's just not the same.

 

I'm going to suck it up and say it all - although I dread his response and am already crying over the loss - but I guess it has to happen.

 

Thank you all so very much.

[curiousnycgirl]

Funny thing is that I'm always "the problem solver" even with my family. He has no issue commenting on the fact that my family takes advantage of me - but I guess doesn't realize he's doing the same.

 

So to the other posts earlier - yup I guess I do this to myself somehow.