teethbrushes Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I really can't get over my ex's behavior. I guess I'm more or less over HIM, but the way he acts really hurts my feelings because most people who are in close proximity to their ex and in their same social circle can at least act normally...especially a YEAR after the relationship was over, and they're the one who DUMPED. A brief history... he dumped me a while ago for many reasons, namely I think he has problems commiting. After going back and forth for a week, he made the final decision to break it off. I was actually blindsided the first time and didn't know our relationship was in trouble. He claims he was blindsighted as well...after a month of him being depressed and calling me, he found a new girlfriend and claimed he was "over me", but expressed an interest to remain friends. I said no at first and when he got a new girlfriend I acted like a total b*tch to him and said I regretted being with him and someone who could replace me so fast. We were each other's first loves and first sexual partners. He was still calling me up to this point, so I told him to basically go to hell and never talk to me again. About two months later I wrote him a long apology letter. He said he accepted the apology and came over to my house unannounced one day, but we remained on not talking terms for another several months. I wasn't home when he came by so i didn't ahve to deal with that. He then transferred to my school and proceeded to join my social circle. I thought this would mean we would be friends, or at least FRIENDLY. He is actually friends with all of his exes, including the rebound girl who he dumped 2-3 months after their relationship began. At first he was really friendly with me and happy to see me, but when I asked him to hang out once, he got really skittish. But he was really excited to see me at stuff and would hang out with me at events, etc. and was really excited I was talking to him. When I asked him to do something once, he said "I would love that." I said something like I had changed so much since we broke up that I was glad we could talk without falling in love. At that point he began really being weird. He would now ignore me at social events, he would say hi, but that's it and proceed to stare at me or turn red if we had to talk. Sometimes we'd spend entire days together with friends without ever talking. He'd pay attention to what I saying and then sometimes would walk away if I was talking as if it didn't concern him. I got so enraged at his disrespect that I asked to talk to him. He did and talked to me for a good two hours. I asked him why he was so weird and he said he knew he was weird, he just "Didn't know what to say to me" (it was fine before!) and that was all the problem was. He said he missed me and liked seeing me around and hearing about my life, but he "didn't forsee us going straight to a friendship in the near future." I said something about having trouble seeing him as not a boyfriend and he said "Yes, that makes sense on my side too." He left inviting me to a party. I went, because I was going to go anyway. He didn't say anything to me at the party, and when I said hi he smiled and said thanks for coming but nothing else. He kept acting weird by telling our friends he now wasn't ready to be at events I was at if we didn't have to be. This resulted in people choosing sides. One day he was sitting talking to a mutual friend and I went to talk to the mutual friend and he tried to talk to me too, but turned beet red, unable to hold a conversation, stammering, etc. He then asked my best friend to come to a party and invite me later on that week. I didn't go. He kept staring at me as well, being almost creepy. A friend told me he just was concerned about keeping the past in the past, and I agree, but I think people who hold that notion can converse with their ex in a social situation and not make it uncomfortable for other people. I don't think it means they have to stare at their ex, or turn red. The other day he helped me with something I needed help with and hopped to it rather quickly, but wasn't very interested in talking about anything else. I guess it really hurts my feelings because he actually IS friends with all of his exes. Someone suggested maybe he was worried about leading me on, but a few years ago something happened where he REALLY hurt a girl who liked him a lot and he didn't ignore her in the slightest. He tried everything to make it better and now they're great friends. Its not that I want to be best friends with him, I just want some closure and not to feel so weird at social functions. Is that too much to ask? Is that weird? Do you think I did something wrong to propel this? Why would someone be acting like this? I know I may have posted this question before, but I just am stumped. It was bothering me earlier today.
Devildog Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I always find it funny when people talk about being friends with an ex. It rarely works out and the notion for doing it usually has ulterior motives. If I were to venture a guess, I would say he likes to remain friends with all of his ex's because it gives him the delusion he could still have them back if he wanted to. That it is his choice and he is in control of the situation. When you told him that you were "glad we could talk without falling in love" you took away that control he felt he had in the situation. It wasn't him deciding that you were not together. You took away the control from him. So as the dumper, he is really thrown for a loop. See, dumpers expect the dumpee to spend the rest of their existence pining for the dumper. When that doesn't happen they get really flustered and start acting weird. Oddly enough, he probably wants to be with you again at this point, more than when you actually dated, but after your comment knows it is highly unlikely it will happen.
Author teethbrushes Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 i guess, but he was friends with an ex who definitely had a boyfriend when he was with me and I was never worried they were still attracted to one another. They had to see each other everyday for something else and I was never worried. And they are still friends, although the relationship may not have been as deep as ours was since they were never physical or said they loved each other. and also, i don't think its necessarily the "friends" thing, but the thing that you can be not totally awkward with someone you once dated if you have to be around each other a lot. I mean you'd think you'd warm up unless that person was deeply hurt. And the weird thing is...he's like so incredibly nice, albeit sometimes fake nice to people he KNOWS don't even like him....so I don't think its that he hates me. If he hated me, he'd at least be nice! haha
Devildog Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I'm curious, how many times has he been the dumpee in these other relationships? Or is he almost exclusively the dumper?
Author teethbrushes Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 i don't think he was ever dumped. but that being said as well, he was never physical with anyone before our relationship and never told a girl he loved her before our relationship. We have a lot of mutual friends and they've confirmed this. He also told this to me when we were "just friends" and he didn't think he had a chance with me, so there was no reason to lie at that point.
Devildog Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Whether he was physical or not with these other ex's is irrelevant. Him typically being the dumper still gives him control. He is the one making the decision to not be together anymore. And it might be a situation he dumps before he can get dumped.
Author teethbrushes Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 i think in our case he did that because he was afraid he wasn't good enough for me and I was going to meet someone "better". he even told me part of the reason we were breaking up was because I needed to be free to meet a better guy. he also claimed he lost feelings for me, when he told me earlier that day how in love with me he was. But throughout the whole break-up and even though he got a new gf like three weeks later, the whole time I felt like he wasn't doing this because he wanted to, because he had to. And now his behavior is just OFF. I mean he claimed a month later he was moved on from me although it was hard. But if you've been moved on from someone for 10-11 months, you shouldn't take issue with being friends with them (he said he'd wait to be friends with me if I wanted time to heal, but clearly that's not the case now!). And its not even being friends that he takes issue with, its acting normally around me. I'm not saying it shouldn't be awkward, but it shouldn't be SO weird. Actually, having seen each other everyday for the last 5 months and been at the same parties and group outings with friends several times a month, it SHOULDN'T be awkward. And he shouldn't be turning red and stammering and he shouldn't be staring at me if he doesn't care.
Devildog Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 And he shouldn't be turning red and stammering and he shouldn't be staring at me if he doesn't care. Yeah, you are right. What does it tell you if he is stammering and turning red and staring at you then? He knows you don't have a desire to be with him anymore. It has crushed his ego and shattered his delusions. He can't tell himself he is in control and he is the one deciding the two of you can't be together. And it comes to the typical wanting what he can't have routine. For the record, if you did get back with him, he would lose interest again really quickly. It would only restore his feelings of being in control.
Author teethbrushes Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 you really think so? hmm. it was weird because i told him i had changed a lot and that's why we probably couldn't be together. And when I said sometimes I missed him as a bf he said "Well, you've changed a lot." as if not getting back together was HIS decision when it was really what I had said!
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