It was too good to be true.

[flamingjune]

So, I broke it off with JD yesterday.

 

After being patient since September, [see previous post below], he’d just told me that the ex that he swore up and down he’d ended things with was coming to stay for over a month!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72840/?highlight=flamingjune

 

All this time he’d been saying they were just in touch about just “practical matters.”

 

A couple weeks ago he’d mentioned that she was coming back for 2 weeks. It wasn’t ok with me. Basically I said, you have to end it for real or I’m gone. I put my foot down and said that he needed to make a decision. And that he ought to find a roommate or make other arrangements. The more I thought about it, the sketchier the whole thing looked.

 

Here are the facts:

1. They were supposedly broken up since last year, but were only fully separated since this summer – He insisted it was completely over.

2. He’d been in regular contact with her

3. She was coming back to live with him for 2 weeks during the holidays (and then it became 1 month plus!)

4. He still had all her things in his apartment

5. They still share the apartment

6. He has unresolved feelings for her

 

About #1 – He was either completely deluding himself or outright lying to me, or maybe both, but in any case what he was doing was wrong. He had no right to be asking me out and making me think he was completely single and emotionally available if he still had unfinished business.

 

About #6 – I found this out the hard way – Hah, we were kissing and he held me and I asked him straight out, “Are you still in love with her?” It might’ve been an awkward time to ask, but I wanted to know before I was going get any closer. He said, “I don’t know.” To think, this is a b*tch who repeatedly cheated on him, who treated him like garbage. Argh, I really should've left at this point, but he asked for a chance and I really liked him.

 

When I look at those facts, what they tell me is: this man is still very much attached to his ex in more ways than one. So he went on and on with all these excuses about he couldn’t afford the place by himself and they’re friends with the landlord and they all needed to sit down with his ex and discuss it.

 

Finally, I said, “Then it isn’t over between you two. Not by a long shot.” My thinking is, if you really want something you figure out a way to make it happen. And if he wanted me he had to get rid of her for good. But it wasn’t working out that way. There were options: He could’ve found a roommate, or sublet, heck, I even offered my sofa. But he wouldn’t do anything about it. So, I threw in the towel and said I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I’d been very patient considering the weirdness of it all and if he was going to let her stay a month then he could forget about seeing me anymore.

 

He said he didn’t want me out of his life and he cared about me, and etc., etc. All words, in one ear, out the other. Of course, when he realized that I was totally serious about walking away he then changed his tune and said, “I’m not in love with her.” And, “What if I told he she couldn’t stay?” I said, “Too late.” He should’ve thought of all that BEFORE he agreed to having her over. If it were really over then he wouldn’t feel beholden to her, that he’d be considering my feelings.

 

And then he had the gall to ask me if he could email me after it was all sorted out, for another chance with me. Can you believe it? I said “No.” That he’d had plenty of time to take care of this, that I’d been very clear in the beginning that he needed to delineated between his past and his present and sort things out on his end if he wanted me in his life. That this ex coming in and out of the picture was not ok and it needed to end. Thank god I took it slow and didn’t sleep with him, or I’d be on my way to hell in a hand basket right now. I can’t believe this man is 8 years older – he has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old. Incredible.

 

I’m pretty sad it didn’t work out, because I really liked him and thought we were very compatible. Heck, if I’d let myself, if I’d felt that he was truly free and clear, then I’m sure I would’ve just fallen head over heels in love. But at the same time I feel in my gut I made the right decision. He said he really cared about me and that I was the nicest thing that had happened in his life for years. But if any of that were really true, then he wouldn’t have been so weak and indecisive. He even admitted that maybe he was being cowardly about the whole thing.

 

To you people who warned me to be cautious, you were right. Maybe I shouldn't have even given him a chance, but he seemed like such a wonderful guy. Just wanted to let you know your advice really helped to keep me out of more serious heartache.

 

And even if what he said that he felt for me were true? Words don’t count half as much as actual behavior. It’s totally his loss; I offered him something real and happy, and he wasted his chance. Time to pick myself up and move on.

[flamingjune]

Is it normal to second guess yourself in this type of situation? Did I over react? Was I too harsh? It sucks, I really thought he was something special. Help.

[Second-best]

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, 'cept that I'm proud of you for walking out. I feel you made the right choice. I also think it's fine to second-guess.

*hug!* - hope your future endeavours work out better

[Devildog]

Is it normal to second guess yourself in this type of situation? Did I over react? Was I too harsh? It sucks, I really thought he was something special. Help.

 

It is never an easy decision to end a relationship. There will always be second guessing. But from what you have posted, you made the right decision. This guy was never going to get over the ex. It would have popped up again further down the road. Until he gets things resolved with her, she will always be there in his head. His offers to change after as you were walking out the door were desperate pleas. Hollow promises that mean nothing.

[flamingjune]

Hi Second-best & Devildog,

 

Well, that's what I keep telling myself. That it was the right thing. But the right thing seriously sucks right now.

 

Update:

 

JD wrote this long rambling email after I'd pretty much written him off. It was all in lowercase with no breaks, but geez, what a headache to read it, so I re-formatted a bit.

 

Sorry, it’s REALLY looong.

 

--------------

 

I shouldn't be writing you. I have no right. Let me say first that i cant stand the idea of you just dropping out of my life. I don't blame you, and its what i deserve really, but let me just tell you that its just horrible, horrible. I care about you as a person, deeply, as an obviously, so obviously, very special person that has, despite appearances, please don't just bitterly dismiss it, how can i say it --- seeped into my blood. I imagine that you've already begun to harden your heart against me, which i would understand, so that maybe this will just be annoying, but i feel like i just have to say certain things to you. You are right in everything you've said.

 

I wouldn't blame you if you'd already stopped reading and have already deleted this email. This thing, you know what thing i mean, is dead. But I cant act forcefully against it. I just cant. A month from now, it will officially be over. The collective conversation with the owners, who are kind of friends with her, as I’ve mentioned, will have taken place, and that will be that.

 

Yes, I've been in contact intermittently, and each time it has reaffirmed to me that this person is gone from me in that kind of a way, and i am gone from her. But i just cannot act harshly. There is a lot to explain, but somehow, i am not capable of explaining it. But its not what you think. You are not the "rebound girl." absolutely in no way are you the "rebound girl."

 

A month from now at the latest, most likely sooner this situation will have fully resolved itself. And that will be that. I dont expect you to wait any longer. I just couldnt act harshly, even though i had been acted harshly against. I have been too timid when it comes to the situation with the owners. Either too timid or too "principled" for no reason at all, as they are kind of friends with her. I don't know what to say. I don't expect you to accept it.

 

I just know that i cant stand the idea of not talking to you anymore, of there being no contact in any form whatsoever and that there will be no contact in any form whatsoever ever again.

 

I don't know --- I care about you. I care about you as a human being, i care about your life- I simply ...... Care. No one has made me so happy, made me feel so good just by looking at them before. No one has touched me in the way that you have, so quickly- and i do mean no one, and i have never behaved toward anyone, anyone, the way i have with you, no one has ever made me feel the desire, you know, to be like a gentleman, and see you home and, just.. I don't know, i just don't know......

 

I'm not saying what I need to say, i cant seem to bring it out correctly. I would understand if you just felt like, "Yeah, well, that's all very fine and well, but it doesn't change things for me, and you have disrespected me, and why didn't you just find a roommate, and why did you respond to my ad in the first place"

 

Yes. Let me try and answer, in an honest way.

 

First, and fundamentally, I was a fool. I did not think about what I was doing, and, paradoxically, or simply nonsensically i didn't expect anything or anyone like you at all. I didn't expect to be falling into your eyes they way i did the first time i saw you, and figured it was you, but was too shy, too timid to do anything about it but just sit there like an idiot. Until I'm comfortable I'm just kind of, maybe even, painfully shy, in a way, when it comes to these things. Please don't take anything I've said, which I guess isn't much, or will say here as an attempt to convince you to keep waiting. I don't expect you to. The last thing i want to do is mistreat you. You are the last, the very, very last person in the world who should be mistreated. How wonderful you are, and how much i wish i had met you as a happier, less, I don't know how to say this, and it will probably sound so laughable, especially as you've most likely had it with me, but, a less damaged and traumatized person.

 

I realize I don't have a monopoly on this kind of thing, and that you have suffered deeply as well, and i am sorry for that, really i am and am so, so sorry for any further pain that i may have caused you, in all my indecisiveness, and issues, and well, just everything, but i'm burning the candle that you so kindly gave me right now, and its the only light, and i just cannot stand the idea that you feel that i have i used you --- i cant take it --- i will go on and on until you simply wont hear a word from me anymore, and block me on im and blacklist me and send me to the junk bin of your email, without even really knowing why, but just out of some sort of fundamental, i don't know, this will sound ridiculous --- horror at the idea that you feel i simply used you, intended or not. I don't know, i don't know.......

 

If only i could even just send you cd's of music that i think would resonate with you, without even any note or message at all, just a simple gift, just a simple gift from time to time, but i guess things don't work this way, and you will meet someone much smarter than i am, clearly, who will have no unresolved issues to contend with, who is not this traumatized type person, and who will recognize just how unbelievably wonderful you really are, and will just grab you with both hands and hold on, and such gifts, such contact, from someone so confused or twisted up as me merely become unwelcome annoyances........

 

If this is truly the case, and its simply too late, and i have hamlet-ed myself out of your life then please know that you have had such an effect, such an effect on me, and have touched me so very deeply. Let me tell you that when i look at you i feel like the world is not such an ugly, irredeemable place after all, that there are people in it whose very presence, whose very existence is the thing that justifies its continued existence... Does that sound completely crazy? I am a damaged person i guess, and i should not have contacted you. I had no right and i am so very, very sorry.

 

Let me tell you also, and truly, that you are the sweetest, most touching person that i have ever, ever met, and i don't expect to meet anyone like you ever again. Please, please know that i am sincere, and that i never meant to hurt or deceive you. This girl, this woman, who has betrayed me utterly, in the most unbelievable, unforgivable way, no, ways, is not a part of my life in that way any longer.

 

Let me tell you about something i once saw in philadelphia.

 

A friend of hers lived below us at a certain point, and in her basement was a strange albino flower, or plant, i liked to thing of it as a flower, that had grown up from a crack in the cement floor. It was amazing that it even existed. For some reason, goofy as it sounds, i kind of felt some sort of camaraderie with this "flower," no sunlight, it came up through the cement floor of a basement- the existence of this strange pure white albino flower was just amazing to me.

 

One day workmen had to go into the basement and they stomped around down there doing whatever it was they had to do, which for some reason included stomping this albino flower that had grown through the cement, against all odds, so to speak, floor of a basement to its death. When i heard about it i had to go off by myself for a bit because i was too embarrassed for anyone to see how affected i was by this information. It was just one of the most tragic things i had ever heard. This, of course, was before the death of my mother. This flower had no business even existing. It was amazing that it had brought itself to life somehow, and circumstance had killed it, stomped it into the ground.

 

This is how i feel about not having you in my life anymore, in any way at all, not even as a friend. It feels equally as tragic. You are a beautiful, beautiful person L***, and i care for you, deeply, so very deeply. For now, can i maybe send you some music, some glass and kronos.... I dont know....... I dont think of you merely as someone who i wanted to be "my girlfriend" do you know what i mean?

 

My inaction and indecisiveness is very difficult to explain, and i don't or wouldn't blame you for making a clean break of it, but until you meet someone with far more sense than me and just grabs you with both hands, as anyone with any sense would, can i at least, i don't know, send you little things, like music i know would speak to you?

 

I don't know...... I feel like that beckett character in company, who merely lays in his bed in the dark, listening to voices that actually aren't there, paralyzed, unable to go backward into the memories that he is reliving in his head, and unable to see himself in the present tense. He merely lays in the dark, paralyzed, with the projection of his own voice, admonishing him, as company.

 

Clearly, you deserve far better than a catatonic such as this, but.....until it gets to the point where there is really someone else, can i at least mail you things, mail you gifts, gifts of music? I love to give you things. I guess its difficult to give you myself, since..... Im not sure what happened to it.

 

Im so sorry L***, beautiful, beautiful L***, im so sorry..... That i am the mess that i am. Let me at least tell you that the times i have spent with you, at the french restaurant, lucien, where i had duck for the very first time, at the sidewalk cafe, in the basement, talking for hours, at "viagra," at the dirty three show, at the bowery poetry club after you had passed out and looked like some kind of snow white, and i was so worried about you, at the kgb bar, with me so tense from not smoking (and it really was you how inspired me to do that) at the laugh lounge, at the blue heron theater, watching bartelby, who we both oddly related to, at the mud cafe/bar place that seemed straight out of some new england college town or other, at the way too brightly lit "its orange" burger place, when, poor thing, you were sick, at rai rai ken, at so many places that i feel now are our places, at your apartment, looking at all of your nice plants, on the couch, where i belonged, screwed up as i was, and i guess am, waiting to fall asleep, at our little nook at cafe de la artiste, cold as it was, looking at the cooking dictionary, at 4:48 psychose, at trattoria mangia, near my ill-fated apartment, laughing with you, sitting next to you, laughing during grizzly man, waiting for you, and never, ever minding how you are always late

 

watching the corpse bride with you, sitting in tompkins square park with you, trying to kill the evil cockroach that had appeared between your feet, without you noticing, but failing, at the pick me up cafe, wandering around looking for the "red" bar/cafe as if it were el derado and never finding it, just like el derado, only findin simone with its pretentious bartenders, and tabla, by union square, and you with sunglasses on, and me red-faced, too much coffee, not enough water and pineapple.......... And fellini, and greenaway, and isabel huppert and hal hartely, and your cute, sweet, well-behaved cat ceasar, the spelling of whose name im always unsure of, and all your plants, and your water damaged blinds, and your beautiful, beautiful soft face and eyes and lips.......

 

Oh god L*** --- cant you see that its not that i don't care for you, so, so much, that its something else...... That's so difficult to explain, and impossible to explain on im for gods sake...... ? I don't know...... I dont know....... I don't know..... Oh L***

 

--------------

 

[End.]

[slubberdegullion]

FJ, you did the right thing, and in your heart you know it was the right thing.

 

Stay strong, because you'll be fine.

[flamingjune]

So what do you make of it? Is the man just insane? I’d be lying if I said that his letter didn’t affect me at all. It got me to contact him. I still feel badly, and I’m conflicted. Yeah, I wrote him on yahoo im after I got this and he said he’d been crying and drunk. Should I just stick to no contact? Is it sincere? Is it a ploy? Am I being played? Ah, I should’ve run away as soon as I’d heard he still had all his ex’s stuff. Aaaargh! Where's my rational temperament [see water cooler thread -- hah!] when I need it?! I feel so retarded and lost right now.

[slubberdegullion]

You already know what to do. Stick to NC. Stick to it hard. Don't respond to phone calls, emails, letters or any other contact.

 

He'll plead. He'll beg. He may even threaten self-harm.

 

Have none of it. Keep NC because it's the best way to heal.

[flamingjune]

Hi Slubber,

 

Thanks. This kind of hard-ass talk helps keep my head on straight. Hey, is that Neil Peart on the drums in your avatar?

[slubberdegullion]

Hi Slubber,

 

Thanks. This kind of hard-ass talk helps keep my head on straight.

No sweat. I live to serve.

Hey, is that Neil Peart on the drums in your avatar?

Yep, that's the dude. Very good, not everyone sees that. He's got a thing for funny-looking skullcaps, I suppose.

[LN8840K]

he sounds like a fruitcake, < it is the holidays >

 

I agree with others NC this cat out of your life, unless you are entertained by people who talk without direction, and for no other appearent reason than to see how long a letter they can write without actually saying anything. Don't get stuck in this guys web of confusion.

[Mary3]

I felt it was one of the most emotional letters I have ever read. ( ..er rambling too ...)

 

Here is his problem. : You * were * rebound despite his plea that you were NOT.

 

He should have had a clean slate to dish you but instead came with ex girlfriend baggage.

 

He should have NOT kept in contact with her. Thats what fueled the flames.

 

He royally * f****d * up by not clearing the clouds out of his head and lost you.

 

Should you take him back ? I honestly think that if he can show MAJOR improvements and show that he has NO contact with her, you might want to give this man a chance. At least be his friend. He totally loves you.

 

I, myself would not normally recommend that you do a rebound-er and give him the time of day.

 

Rebound-ers always manage to tear apart other peoples lives..

 

So I don't condone you falling back into him but rather merely an observer who will remain his friend.

 

He loss will be evident 24/7 because his loss is YOU.