Aquarius Guy Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 College Son Living At Home, Mom undercutting my Authority with nurturing impulses. College Son lives at home, and does not follow reasonable household chore participation. For the past 8 weeks, I have asked my wife to take charge of improving son's habits of leaving items in the living room and on the kitchen table. Previously, my wife was undercutting me, when I would ask Son to do something, W would bring home 4 days of his favorite dinners. My wife was undercutting my carrots and sticks. My wife still finds varous ways to undrecut my respect in the house. My current target is to have wife look for rooms for rent, so that Wife can visualize a humane consequence for Son, so the option of moving out is a real stick. Right now, Wife is terrified of the idea that son could move out. Maybe I will ask wife to develop phrases to say to Son, to indicate that she feels Son should move out, or start with picking up his items he leaves around the house. 1. I see your stuff in the living room and dining room. If you don't start doing a better job of developing the habit for picking up your belongings, I am going to ask your Dad to find you a room to rent near your college. Let yor room-mates yell at you, because I am tired of your bad habits. Ideas or Questions? Carrots or Sticks?
Outcast Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 The best stick I ever used was to tell a grown man that an adult should be able to take care of himself and not need 'mommy' to feed him, pick up after him, etc. You can try that. Tell wifey she's turning her boy into a useless slug who will be no joy whatever for some other poor woman to live with and that the job of a parent is to prepare a child for adult life, not mollycoddle him until he's dead.
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 Aquariusguy, Why don't you just talk to him instead of his Mom having to do it. She sounds as if shes willing to look after him but you want her to say she'll have dad look for a room. That dosent sound like it at all? Does she want you to look for a room to rent? I agree , no reason for him not to be lookng after himself, he's in college. Sheesh.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 Dear Outcast, Your logic sounds true for me. I have tried that line. So far, no results
Author Aquarius Guy Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 Dear Tinktronic, One stick is to be able to realistically suggest Son might move out. That stick has been blocked, as Son has previously complained to Mom, when I have played that card. I provide him a Minivan with Leather seats. Previously, I used to ask son to pick up his stuff. Son likes to push limits. So in the last 8 weeks, I have told wife it is up to her. I said I will move him out. There needs to be some fear of some pain. Maybe I will buy him an old junker to drive, until he shapes up. I can even start threatening to buy a junker car. Maybe an old pick up truck. Sticks? Carrots? Ideas? Questions?
Newfoundland Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 Dear Tinktronic, One stick is to be able to realistically suggest Son might move out. That stick has been blocked, as Son has previously complained to Mom, when I have played that card. I provide him a Minivan with Leather seats. Previously, I used to ask son to pick up his stuff. Son likes to push limits. So in the last 8 weeks, I have told wife it is up to her. I said I will move him out. There needs to be some fear of some pain. Maybe I will buy him an old junker to drive, until he shapes up. I can even start threatening to buy a junker car. Maybe an old pick up truck. Sticks? Carrots? Ideas? Questions? Maybe just tell him you are taking the van away unless he shapes up? Personally I wouldn't even offer him an alternative. He'll still be able to get around with a junker. To me threatening to 'downsize' is not enough - he needs to be shocked into action, not merely dismayed because his pick up truck doesn't have heated seats. JMO, of course.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 Dear Newfoundland, Thanks for the reply. You may be correct that simply stepping down his quality of Ride, may not be sufficient. I have given my wife the leadership role in handling College Son Chores for about the last 8 weeks. Little progress has been made in College Son developing better habits. I have told my wife, that if she wishes me to be involved, she needs to give me complete authority and back-up, for having son to move out. College Son pushes the limits, and so unless I have her support, I have little hope of making a change. REHEARSAL PHRASES FOR WIFE TO COLLEGE SON: 2. I am doing a poor job of encouraging you to improve your habits of not cleaning and picking up after yourself. Since I am a failure, I should probably ask your dad to take over handling your privileges. What do you think? 3. I don't even know where to start to put away the things you left in the living room. Ideas? Questions? Carrots? Sticks?
Outcast Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Do what you do with a little kid. Tell him what doesn't get picked up gets tossed out. AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Tell him that because adult requests haven't worked you have to treat him like a little kid and then do it.
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