"Bad at Dating"

[masaki1085]

I have been dating a girl somewhat long-distance for the past two months. We met a long time ago, and caught up at a party at the end of last summer, and from there we started hitting it off--we had been talking everyday and we hung out once or twice before I asked her out on a date, and from that point it had become a relationship.

 

She goes to school an hour away from where I go to school, and we live in the same hometown. We both graduate in December, and she is taking 24 credit hours at her school... she is really busy.

 

Lately we have been seeing each other less often (than say 1-2 week periods of time) because of her schoolwork. Often we will make tenative plans and she will break them because of her work. I am totally understanding of this, and I believe that her schoolwork comes first before anything. But I do admit that this aspect can be extremely frustrating at times.

 

She also seems to act in cycles. At times she seems so stressed out over school that nothing seems to phase her, including our relationship. She doesn't seem excited to see me, and she doesn't get disappointed when plans are broken or we cannot meet. When she notices that she is being distant, she will often feel bad, and tell me this. And maybe for a day or two, she will act more affectionate and understanding until the cycle repeats itself again.

 

Earlier this month, there was a time when she was extremely affectionate; I was coming to see her, and she was practically ready to jump me (in the good way). About a day or two after this, she began her distance part of her cycle again, as schoolwork began to pile up. And the cycle ran its course throughout the month. She cancelled a date coming to see me, but we made plans to hang out during our Thanksgiving break.

 

On our Thanksgiving break, we hung out, but she was being as distant as distant can be. It was really strange. I also was trying to get together one more time with her amidst her schoolwork, in which all we could get in was an hour breakfast the day that we both had to go back. I brought all of this to her attention, and she admits that it is her, but this is the way that she perceives it: In her mind, she processed that because I wanted to hang out with her during break, I was being "pushy," and when she feels pushed, she will become distant and reclusive. Keep in mind, and she admits, that this is all in her head--I am NOT being pushy. I have actually been extremely patient in this whole process due to her credit hour load.

 

When I discussed this with her, she also told me she was "bad at dating." I don't even know what to say to that.

 

Since I talked to her yesterday about this, I have been in a terrible mood. I have been mad at her. I have not been excited to see her next (usually I am) or talk to her next. I have been feeling bitter. I fear for the next cycle. And I don't know what she is going to be like after school is done and we are home after we've graduated and she is less busy. I fear that these cycles will continue for other reasons.

 

A part of me still likes her and wants to keep dating her. Another part of me just wants to throw my hands up and quit, especially if she will not even try and just give me a cop out excuse like she is "bad at dating."

 

I think for awhile I am just going to stay some distance and she how she reacts, since she feels that I am being pushy; other than this, I don't know what to do and I am concerned about the mindset I am in. Does anyone have any advice about my situation?

 

Thanks so much! I know this was a long read.

[LN8840K]

you're crowding her and if you dont back that azz up, you're going to lose her

 

" I think for awhile I am just going to stay some distance and she how she reacts, since she feels that I am being pushy; "

 

see you already know what ya need to do

 

peace out

[masaki1085]

I should probably clarify this.

 

I am not crowding her; I honestly do not see her enough to be able to. I am usually very understanding when she cancels or is unable to do anything. I never really get mad about not being able to see her, and I should also clarify that I do not get mad that she has to do schoolwork over seeing me.

 

The whole being pushy thing she admits is in her mind... I think it is based on experiences with previous boyfriends. She knows I am not being pushy, but she is acting distant anyway, and she admits that the idea of me being pushy is guiding her thinking. This is the part is confusing.

[JS17]

stress will kill any relationship. it's that simple. talk to her about taking it slow and casual until you both graduate and live closer to each other again.

[LN8840K]

give her what she is asking for and soon enough she will realize it's not really what she wanted.

whether you are being pushy or not is not really the issue.

back it up or you will lose her

[mattea]

wow that's tough. i was kind of a perfectionistic, stress case when i was in school. maybe she's just under so much pressure that the demands of a relationship are that much tougher to deal with. the question is whether school really is the issue, or whether the cycle would continue after that hurdle is over, like you said. i guess you need to decide whether you can handle the ups and downs and cycles of distancing. do you feel certain enough that she'll return to the closeness that you can ride out the times when she's distance without them making you crazy? since it's unknown whether it really is about the pressure of school, do you want to wait it out to see if things are better after that?

 

here's my concern: life often offers us a lot to deal with. when she's out of school, there will be other challenges and stressors. will she be able and willing to balance all the demands and make you one of her priorities? maybe so... maybe at some point she'll be in a place to do that. you get to decide if you can either live with her the way things are or if not if you'll wait for things to change and for how long. not easy decisions, i know!

 

i might be jaded because i recently went through a relationship with someone who did cycles of distancing. i too don't feel i was demanding, and neither did he. i gave him space when he wanted it and didn't get upset. i didn't demand he spend all his time with me nor not take time for himself, and i maintained friendships and my own interests. yet he felt all this pressure in the relationship - like he had to be perfect and always available to me. i tried to let him know it wasn't the case. it was a very painful relationship because one week (or day) he'd be crazy about me and committed to the relationship and talking about our future together, and the next week a wall would go up and he'd feel differently and need to distance. i eventually couldn't take the roller coaster any more. i didn't know how i could possibly give him any more space and understanding than i was! he used to say something similar about being bad at relationships and not knowing what he was doing.

 

i don't know her and the situation may be very different. maybe she feels guilty because she doesn't know how to balance it all and not let the stress get to her?

[kitkat826]

It doesn't sound like she's in any place to be dating. She's showing it in her actions AND words. From the way you describe it, you are not being pushy at all. Since when was wanting to hang out over a long weekend being pushy?? And she even admits that she's making it up in her head...just because she admits to her issues doesn't mean they don't exist.

 

I'm not really sure what she expects you to do. If you were any more laid back and distant about this than you already are, you two would be sex buddies or truly "just friends" instead of in a relationship. So maybe that's what you should give her.

[masaki1085]

mattea seems to hit it right on the money. Every once in awhile she will be crazy about me, and then will cycle back into her distance mode. And it is really confusing because I do not know where I should be at in the relationship.

 

And she does feel guilty, too. And it is a vicious cycle because the guilt adds to the pressure, even though I'm not guilting her.

[Neptune]

Maybe there is a chance that is just her personality. Not everyone is stable or focused or even sane for that matter. Never forget that some women`s monthly cycle works havoc with them.

 

Bottom line is there is no way to be sure what is going on. If this is the way she handles stress bear in mind that stress is present throughout life. Maybe at one point it`s school, then it is jobs, career changes, moving elsewhere, friends, or relationships (how do you read me?)

 

At some point you will just have to decide tohold them or fold them.

[Sevenmack]

Dump her. Plain and simple. Just dump her. Chances are she'll stop being wishy-washy once you've given her the heave-ho; if she wants you, it will work every time.

 

On the other hand, she could be seeing someone else (always a possibility when someone goes all hot-and-cold on their lovers), which means she may want you to get rid of her. Either way, you'll be rid of someone who is occupying more of your thoughts than you are occupying hers. Because if she thought about your feelings, much less actually cared about you, she'd stop this hot-and-cold crap and actually have a real relationship with you.

[masaki1085]

I read Sevenmack's message right before I called her this evening. Here's the thing... just about everyday we talked on the phone for about an hour.

 

After mentioning something already about this distance thing, I decide not to call her yesterday, figuring that I am giving her distance, and that if she really wants to call me, she'd call.

 

I call her tonight, and this is how the conversation goes down. It was about 2 minutes long:

 

Her: "Hey."

Me: "Hey, how's it going?"

Her: "Not so great. I can't really talk right now, I have a lot of capstone [her class] work to do."

Me: "Okay, that's fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

Her: "Ehh.. I'm not sure. I have so much stuff to do."

Me: "...Okay."

Her: "I'm really sorry. How are you doing?"

Me: "[1 second pause]... I'm good."

Her: "Good."

Me: "Alrighty. Well, I'll talk to you...sometime."

Goodbyes and yadda-yadda, you get the gist of it.

 

I am about 99.9% sure that its not someone else. This is all schoolwork driven, and I am understanding that schoolwork comes first before anything else. But, Sevenmack, you are true when you say this:

 

"Because if she thought about your feelings, much less actually cared about you, she'd stop this hot-and-cold crap and actually have a real relationship with you."

 

And I've been thinking about that quite a bit after my short phone call with her. I don't really know what is going on--I can't quite understand it. All I know is that in the course of a two minute phonecall, I am livid.

[Sevenmack]

When someone is really into another person, they always find time for them. They're never too busy. This girl, on the other hand, really isn't into you. You're better off chucking her to the side. Don't even bother calling her; no one who isn't either paying you or loving you has a right to get your blood pressure in a boil. And this girl is definitely is a no one. Just chuck her to the side and start seeing other people. If she calls you back -- and chances are she won't; her 'busy schedule' is just a way of avoiding contact -- tell her that the only way she gets to see you is if she gets her act together. She's given you nothing and you owe her nothing in return.

 

It's too bad she's giving you so much, to put it kindly, bull semen. But take this as a lesson for future relationships: See woman playing hot-and-cold game, kick her to curb immediately.

[ms_jnj]

I call her tonight, and this is how the conversation goes down. It was about 2 minutes long:

 

Her: "Hey."

Me: "Hey, how's it going?"

Her: "Not so great. I can't really talk right now, I have a lot of capstone [her class] work to do."

Me: "Okay, that's fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

Her: "Ehh.. I'm not sure. I have so much stuff to do."

Me: "...Okay."

Her: "I'm really sorry. How are you doing?"

Me: "[1 second pause]... I'm good."

Her: "Good."

Me: "Alrighty. Well, I'll talk to you...sometime."

Goodbyes and yadda-yadda, you get the gist of it.

 

 

Well first, long-distance relatioships are hard, especially when one is right at the cusp of graduation. I can relate as I am a perfectionist about my school work also and have been in the LDR/crazy school work situation before. But this phone conversation ---I can see why you would be really upset right now. Becuase no matter how much school work one has to do, anyone can spare a half an hour or even fifteen minutes per day to talk to the one you love on the phone. I always made sure to talk to my then-boyfriend at least that much every day and I also was on instant messenger a lot because I could talk to him through that on and off while I studied.

 

You need to sit down with this girl and tell her that although you realize she is busy, 15 minutes per day is never too much to ask. Tell her that you feel like she doesn't love you or care about you --like you aren't important enough to talk to. I mean...she has to eat right? That takes at least 15 mintues...she could eat and talk to you at the same time. Point is, it can be done.

 

But really, all said and done, if she graduates in a month, I say stick it out and then see how things go when you are close to each other. If this pattern continues after graduation --then you know it is time to leave her. But you may find that she was purely overwhelmed as graduation neared and that the problem disappears when you are together again. Just, if you love her, don't jump the gun.

 

That's my advice.

[Sevenmack]

The closer I read the original post, the more I come to the conclusion that it's not just simply a case of her being wishy-washy. Masaki shouldn't have to do another sit-down with her because he's already done it. When he did, all she basically said he was being 'pushy' and 'bad at dating.' Last I checked, wanting your lover to spend time with you isn't being pushy, it's a requirement of having a real relationship.

 

She's not only wishy-washy, but selfish and immature to boot. At this point in time, I just don't see the point in him waiting around for her to finish school; she's already made it clear that it's either her way or the highway. So he should move on. If she calls him, he should then lay out the terms of coming back together: She has to be committed to making the relationship work i.e. spending time with him and cutting out the hot-and-cold crap. And then she must show it in her actions because actions speak much louder than words and her past actions don't exactly make her seem like someone worth his time.

 

Finishing college can be stressful, but so is working an 18-hour day. Yet most of us who have busy lives manage to fit in time for friends and lovers. And she can't? Give me a break. Kick her to the curb.

[masaki1085]

On Wednesday, I IMed her mentioning that I would stay out of her way until her workload has passed and that I would wait for her call. It is my way of distancing myself for the time being so that I can see if she really wants to call me, she'll call me. If she is not does not call, then I am not going to get hurt by getting too close.

 

I tried to put it all into perspective... my ex before this girlfriend always used to hound me when I was really busy with school (and I hated it)... the only difference between me and my current girlfriend is that I would at least have time to call and think about my significant other (and my ex's houndings as a result, were not justified--she just wanted to make me feel guilty).

 

This girl and I just started dating... we aren't in the whole "i love you" stage of a relationship yet, but up until the events in my original post, everything was fantastic. As she mentioned to me on the phone about two weeks ago was that, "I am really happy where things are going with us." But with the "cold" stage of this whole thing, especially this week, her actions do not match what her words are. Before this week, we talked everyday. I haven't spoken to her in 5 days, except for that conversation I posted above.

 

That hurts. It's almost as if this past week has tainted my whole viewpoint of her, too... I keep asking myself if I still like her after all of this, or am I just focusing on all the bad?

 

I'm going to see how she reacts when I talk to her next... what she says, if she apologizes, if she misses me, etc. If this whole thing is schoolwork induced, then I may just wait until post-graduation to see what happens. I am going to talk with her, with the aspects of what ms_jnj said.

 

Honestly, though, I am getting a message through her actions that she isn't as interested as she says... so I am seriously considering Sevenmack's advice.

[masaki1085]

Just to clarify, too:

 

"all she basically said he was being 'pushy' and 'bad at dating.'"

 

She didn't say I was bad at dating. She told me that she was bad at dating. When she said this, she really couldn't explain why... it was mixed with a bunch of "I don't knows;" it was a really convoluted response, and it was definitely a cop-out. Sort of like, "feel bad for me, I am bad at dating."

 

And I honestly don't know what to say to her about that. Get better? If you like me and want to date me, be more reflective of your actions?

 

Sorry, I'm still kinda mad about her saying that. :\