scobro Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I keep reading on threads that "time heals all wounds"but I have been researching and that is not the case at all with people who have had their hearts broken in a relationship.If you look at your heart as being like anything else broken or wounded on your body this will make sense.If you break your jaw you will not get someone saying"it's ok time heals all wounds" or you break both legsyou won't here "just keep busy time will heal those legs"A broken heart is a wound and you must heal it yourself not time.If you have baggage and unresolved issues that you are harbouring from your messy breakup or even previous breakups if you just let time go by you are only burying those feelings and bringing them into every new relationship and they have an impact on the relationship that you are not aware of.Usually people who have lots of breakups and relationships are people who have not healed and keep all these feelings festering inside and it is ultimately the doom of every relationship they will have.The only way to heal is to make amends and forgive your ex for whatever pain turmoil etc they caused you.They do not need to hear it from you in person just write it down on paper and get brutally honest with yourself when you do this. for example I forgive you for............. i forgive you for........... I am sorry for........ I am sorry for....... I did love you i will cherish the fond memories I must go now goodbye......(ex name) Write down as mant I forgive, I am sorry, and how ever many emotional praises you need to (I had about 10 for each) doing this gives you total completion and you must end with goodbye to your ex.Do this as if you are writing a letter to them but do not send it. I got this from The grief handbook and it helped me so much. I still hurt but it has given me completion I forgave my ex, made amends ,gave some emotional praise and said goodbye even though she ripped my heart out and hurt me so much i needed to do this to complete things and move on to a better relationship with myself and eventually someone else.Trust me people this works.I recommend everyone who is hurting to do this and get honest not judgmental on your ex.
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Go Sco! Good concept. Although I do believe that time is an important factor in healing, I agree that what you do with the time is crucial too. As with a broken bone, it's important first to get rest and immobilisation, then after a bit to start flexing again.
kitten chick Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Yep, that helped me for a few months too. I almost believed that I really meant it when I forgave my ex. It's been a long time for me too. Yes time helps and trying to forgive helps but I truly believe that many people can really be broken from a single bad experience in their life.
slubberdegullion Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Good on ya, scobro. Knowing that forgiveness has more to do with one's self than the other person is a big leap forward.
semi Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I totally agree with what you are saying. I was just thinking about this exact thing this morning. Really strange. If you just let time go by and don't do anything for yourself you will not heal as completely as if you were to take action and search for some answers as why the break happened and what your going to do to get back up.
semi Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Here are a couple more thoughts, I hope they make sense. So I told myself a long time ago that I forgive my ex for the pain she caused me and I want to move on. Though I still very rarely will have bad thoughts and get angry about it but try to push it out my mind. Have I truly forgiven her? I think it is much easier to forgive someone when they don't affect you that much, when you become better off without them, not when you still have feelings for this person or contempt in any way. My ex kind of crept back in by calling but I have ignored her call and just want to not be angry with her. She kind of threw a little fuel on the fire with her call and I thought that I had forgiven her, but during the past week I have been angry about it. Can forgiveness be conditional? For instance I can't bear to be around you and if I am I will be angry with you. I can be content with you completely out of my life.
tonyp56 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Let me ask you this, if you go break your arm, but don't go to the doctor to get it set, what happens? It heals, but it doesn't heal right. The same is true with your heart. So in a way, time does heal everything. Just because you heal, doesn't mean you won't have scars. What you are talking about is scars, it isn't the wound anymore, and it’s just scar tissue. If someone loses his/her arm, that heals, but they don't have an arm anymore. If we lose someone that we love and care about, that wound will heal too, but we will have a scar from it. Scars can't hurt us, as long as we know that they are there, and that we accept what they tell us. I mean, when I was a teenager, I got really drunk, and I burnt my hand with a small hook--did it on purpose--anyways, I stopped drinking and that scar serves me as a reminder to not go down the drinking path again. In a way, time heals everything, and the idea that you need to fix yourself are both right, but the wound itself will heal regardless what you do, it just may not heal “right”.
Author scobro Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Let me ask you this, if you go break your arm, but don't go to the doctor to get it set, what happens? It heals, but it doesn't heal right. The same is true with your heart. So in a way, time does heal everything. Just because you heal, doesn't mean you won't have scars. What you are talking about is scars, it isn't the wound anymore, and it’s just scar tissue. If someone loses his/her arm, that heals, but they don't have an arm anymore. If we lose someone that we love and care about, that wound will heal too, but we will have a scar from it. Scars can't hurt us, as long as we know that they are there, and that we accept what they tell us. I mean, when I was a teenager, I got really drunk, and I burnt my hand with a small hook--did it on purpose--anyways, I stopped drinking and that scar serves me as a reminder to not go down the drinking path again. In a way, time heals everything, and the idea that you need to fix yourself are both right, but the wound itself will heal regardless what you do, it just may not heal “right”. You say "In a way, time heals everything, and the idea that you need to fix yourself are both right, but the wound itself will heal regardless what you do, it just may not heal “right”. I do understand what you mean but if it doesn't heal right it doesn't really heal does it? You say "Scars can't hurt us, as long as we know that they are there" Yes but scars from a broken heart are emotions that are unresolved that you are not fully rid of and they will burden every relationship you have.So if you know you have them get rid of them don't just know they are there and do nothing. You say "In a way, time heals everything, and the idea that you need to fix" yourself are both right, but the wound itself will heal regardless what you do, it just may not heal “right Time does not heal everything.If you have a flat tire will you just pull up a chair next to your car give it time and wait for the tire to repair itself?No you take on the task to repair it I guess my point is you cannot just give it time, you have to do something about your feelings and broken heart in order to fully be complete and be able to move on. I do see your points but its like saying if a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it does it make a sound?.Depends on your point of view really, but I think healing yourself is more cut and dry, you either heal or you dont there is no scar tissue its either you carry around un-resolved anger resentment etc or you make amends forgive and let go.There is no sort of pregnant in this situation. Do you see what I mean?
brittanyjean259 Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 i get everything that you are saying scobro, when i read in one of your posts( when unfamilar with this thread you posted)....i was kinda shocked that you said" no time doesnt heal all wounds"...but now with a the description of what you really ment, you are 100% right,....if you go with the idea of" time heals all wounds"...youll sit and wait for time, time, and time, and one day yeah you might wake up feeling better, but your letting it leave a scar...there are only scars...when the baggage is still there, yeah you reamber the hurtful things an ex has done......but you wont feel at all hurt...when you are truly healed.... so to rephrase a statment that many know, and let it hopefulyy be restated........... "time heals all wounds, with the right mind set...that you will get back on track"...whos willing to restate the qoute and make it better than mine? hahaha just kidding
In Sync Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I guess my point is you cannot just give it time, you have to do something about your feelings and broken heart in order to fully be complete and be able to move on. scobro I've read and reread your post ... I agree that at the end of the day I must do something to actively take charge of my healing process. Right now, I am just waiting and hoping that each day will be the day I don't feel pain. And then I find it's still there. Buried under this veil of I'm doing better. I'm just lying to myself when I say that. And that makes me more sad. I will even try your writing suggestion....I don't know if I have the capacity to forgive my ex for the hurt he's cause. It's still very confusing to me as to why he became so hurtful towards me. So apparently time is not healing my wounds as I would like since I'm still asking why why why... And these unresolved memories keep resurfacing and wrecking my day, my life my sense of being. I just miss feeling at peace again.
Author scobro Posted November 12, 2005 Author Posted November 12, 2005 And these unresolved memories keep resurfacing and wrecking my day, my life my sense of being. I just miss feeling at peace again. Google The Grief Recovery Handbook this will help you very much especially since the passing of a loved one so rescently as well.The other I would recommend is How to Heal a Broken Heart they both helped me get through really rough times during all this.Its so weird its only been 3 months for me but it seems like so much longer.Check these out they will help.
bendit Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 is, what helped me is processing what happened with the Ex and trying to remember that the ex was simply doing what she thought was going to make her happy. People are who they are...they are the sum total of all their thoughts and experiences and act in the only way they know how. People have varying stages of enlightenment. So we have to cut Them and Us some slack because we all are simply trying to do things we believe will make us happy. Yes some of us ARE ingorant and we hurt others but we do it in the context of doing what we think is the right thing (which often is the WRONG thing). So as I started to appreciate how the relationship was simply one gigantic learning experience for me, I began to let go of my anger, at her, and at myself. The anger will do you no good. It consumes your energy and does no damage to the ex who is oblivious to your thinking. The thinking hurts ONLY you. Try and imagine the context in which the Ex's personality FORMED and you will get a better ability to have empathy and compassion for him, and what you went through. Imagine his life situation, and how you would have fared walking in his shoes. And then think of how much you will have learned by going through this. Your life is set up in a way now that you can move forward (soon) and be able to embrace a relationship that will only be GOOD and healthy for you. You know who to avoid now! Not everybody will be able to say that. Most people will come in contact with a personality disordered person! Think about it. yes they are a small percentage of the population but the rub is they go THROUGH so many relationships that you are bound to be touched by at least one in your life. I have been "touched" by more than one. ;-) So realize that anger is something you CAN let go of if you monitor your thinking, however, it is a process and you have to tell your mind the right things when anger crops up. Try and think about some of the things I wrote about above to give you a new perspective on this truly awful learning experience you are going through. regards and best wishes
In Sync Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 So as I started to appreciate how the relationship was simply one gigantic learning experience for me, I began to let go of my anger, at her, and at myself. The anger will do you no good. It consumes your energy and does no damage to the ex who is oblivious to your thinking. The thinking hurts ONLY you. Try and imagine the context in which the Ex's personality FORMED and you will get a better ability to have empathy and compassion for him, and what you went through. Imagine his life situation, and how you would have fared walking in his shoes. And then think of how much you will have learned by going through this. Your life is set up in a way now that you can move forward (soon) and be able to embrace a relationship that will only be GOOD and healthy for you. You know who to avoid now! Not everybody will be able to say that. Most people will come in contact with a personality disordered person! Think about it. yes they are a small percentage of the population but the rub is they go THROUGH so many relationships that you are bound to be touched by at least one in your life. I have been "touched" by more than one. ;-) bendit In my moments of clarity I have had these thoughts. I think it's so daunting to me because I've never been expose to such a disturbed behavior. I could not imagine that if you show love to someone they would continue to reject and become meaner, for lack of a better word. I remember the rage that poured out of him and clearly remembered thinking it wasn't me that provoked this something in his past must have been triggered. He was spoiled kid who's parents though lavishing him with money I suspect never lavished him with compassioned. In my mind I would be the one who could love him unconditionally and try to see his goodness. I mean my family was definitely modest in means but never short of giving love and being positive. I can honestly look back and count on my hand the number of arguments between my mom and my sis. So the hostility from someone I considered my lover and friend seemed almost unreal. Maybe it was my turn in life to confront this type of personailty disorder, and be on the lookout for it in the future. Maybe I just need to learn no matter how much you love someone or try to appease them, I needn't become a doormat and lose my self esteem in the process. I suppose it's never to late to learn..I am (uh hmm slightly older...40-ish!) As for so many people out there with a disorder, yeah I bet this is true...and unless you become intimately and emotionally involved with one, I probably have come across them before but in the form of my angry boss, co-worker, classmates and I didn't take notice of them because I was not involved with them beyond surface contact
Outcast Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I'm still asking why why why There's only one answer when people act illogically - they have their own issues which prevent them from being good partners. And that's it. There isn't necessarily a logic or rationale - humans are not logical as a rule. Never make the mistake of thinking that if you pour a ton of love into someone, he will respond with love back. It doesn't work that way. Another great book is 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love'. Google it. You can read it online for free.
In Sync Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I don't know how anyone can honestly heal from a heart that's broken.. compared to this in the past I've had 'scratches and scraps and bruises' but a broken heart is not repairable. The scars that are left are permanent. How do you look at someone new and not think this person may be loving and kind now but remember what happened before when I was in love they were loving and kind too..and they changed... I don't know if I have the capacity to trust or love with the same openness with anyone after this. People are like landmines, you have no idea what underneathe their facade. Scars make you cautious and on on guard. Time only allows for you to get by one more day but it won't restore the heart to the way it was before.
consumed Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 Well I can somewhat relate to what you write but in a slightly different way. I have found writting things down, and I mean all the thoughts flying though my head helps 100 fold more then pacing back and forth in my house. In the morings when I get up and I feel the shock I just write a page or too let my thoughts empy on the paper. Its really helping me. Maybe even after I've filled the book I'll send it to my ex, or keep it tucked away.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 yeah you can a heal broken heart, i can see other pain that can stay with you forever....but from someone you care about( intimetly )...and they betrayed that trust? why would you let your self feel the pain eternally....no because you will eventually loose feelings and love again...everyone loves again...this is just what your feeling like now"...and i dont want to here that type of attitude....because than it gives none of us hope!..... i know the pain your going through, i truly do and its awful beleive me i know, but what can you do? there are times in your life....when your bliss....well those dont last forever....so hurting wont last forever eaither.....i miss the peace in my life, im still in shock that everything took such a major turn about........ im sorry for what your going through:(
rmo2380 Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 Very interesting thread. And I do see both point of views. I see where time does heal wounds because ya accepting the reality of not being with the person ya want physically. So you let it go. Sometimes it takes longer for some people to heal longer than others. I know I was at rock bottom at one time in my life when my ex of 2 yrs left me. I didnt eat and sleep. I didnt do anything but feel sorry for myself. Than I started living again. Its jus like time. Its like a broken bone, it does take time for a bone to heal likewise for a heart. Whether ya forgive the person or not, ya arent going to forget them in my eyes. Ya still take the memories with you for a long time. I dont believe it will hurt a relationship for the future nor is anyone carrying baggage. I believe the memories will be there and make you be more cautious for the future and be aware of the different paths of live. I do believe it is good to forgive your ex. I think it makes it easier thing to move on with in time. Their are different methods of grieving. I tried a lot of them, from going out with friends, hitting golf balls, or anything. I jus got stronger in the days I was alone, because I do believe love can be separtable.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 dont we all get heartbroken a cuple of times in life?...isnt it a fact of life?..that we just have to bare with...im glad to here you got stronger and you grew again...but did you loose feelings eventually...i beleive you can loose feelings eventually.. in time of course
Author scobro Posted November 13, 2005 Author Posted November 13, 2005 I tried a lot of them, from going out with friends, hitting golf balls No No No No these are not methods of grieving hitting a friiggin golf ball???Come on that is re-directing your mind a keep busy if you will.Hitting a golf ball is not healing if it was is exercise would heal me and believe me it hasn't.
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