heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Well, after 2 months of NC, he calls. Calls at 1 a.m. I'm in total shock. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him. I'm sound asleep and I'm awoken by a ringing damn phone! What am I supposed to say after all this time and the way he just disappeared?? I panicked. I ended up cutting the convo short and he asked if he could call me in the morning. Oh man, I can't believe this! He started talking about money owed to me and how he has a better paying job now and all. I don't know what to do! This is someone who basically ripped my heart out!
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Why did you answer the phone.. 1 am and your ex .. and worse than that you spoke to him.. NC mean no contact... What are you going to do now.. You gave him back all the power by asking him to call yuo back.. I hope he calls.. Goodluck , Make him earn it... remember the pain he has caused you and will cause you in the future
loony Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 What are you going to do now.. You gave him back all the power by asking him to call yuo back.. I thought it was a great move. She reacted like any normal person who was not in love anymore would have done. She told him it was too late and that he should get back to her the next morning. If someone rings you at 1 am you will automaticall pick up the phone and answer it. You won't be too happy that someone bothered you at this time and so you will tell him to call you back later. If she had continued talking to him at this time of the day he would have known that she was still interested in him. She showed a normal reaction and that's good. heartnsoul, I'd continue letting him contact you. Be nice and let him pay the money back that he owes you. If he wants you back he will be nervous. If he doesn't want you back he will be nice and curious.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Well, after 2 months of NC, he calls. Calls at 1 a.m. I'm in total shock. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him. I'm sound asleep and I'm awoken by a ringing damn phone! What am I supposed to say after all this time and the way he just disappeared?? I panicked. I ended up cutting the convo short and he asked if he could call me in the morning. Oh man, I can't believe this! He started talking about money owed to me and how he has a better paying job now and all. I don't know what to do! This is someone who basically ripped my heart out! If he calls you again in the morning to offer to repay you $$, you can ask him to mail you a check if you feel strong enough to have a conversation with him.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Well, after 2 months of NC, he calls. Calls at 1 a.m. I'm in total shock. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him. I'm sound asleep and I'm awoken by a ringing damn phone! What am I supposed to say after all this time and the way he just disappeared?? I panicked. I ended up cutting the convo short and he asked if he could call me in the morning. Oh man, I can't believe this! He started talking about money owed to me and how he has a better paying job now and all. I don't know what to do! This is someone who basically ripped my heart out! That's a tough one lady...hang in there. Answering machines are a wonderful option if you aren't ready to talk with him. If he owes a significant amount of $$ AND you really really need the $$, you can ask him to mail you a check IF you feel strong enough to have a conversation with him. Otherwise, money is not worth the heartache and it's best to just let it go. Are you in a job with alternative hours? 1AM seems like an odd time to call out of the blue to chat about getting a new job...Sounds self serving and inconsiderate if you're a person who normally keeps day time hours.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Well, after 2 months of NC, he calls. Calls at 1 a.m. I'm in total shock. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him. I'm sound asleep and I'm awoken by a ringing damn phone! What am I supposed to say after all this time and the way he just disappeared?? I panicked. I ended up cutting the convo short and he asked if he could call me in the morning. Oh man, I can't believe this! He started talking about money owed to me and how he has a better paying job now and all. I don't know what to do! This is someone who basically ripped my heart out! That's a tough one lady...hang in there. Answering machines are a wonderful option if you aren't ready to talk with him. If he owes a significant amount of $$ AND you really really need the $$, you can ask him to mail you a check IF you feel strong enough to have a conversation with him. Otherwise, money is not worth the heartache and it's best to just let it go. Are you in a job with alternative hours? 1AM seems like an odd time to call out of the blue to chat about getting a new job...Sounds self serving and inconsiderate if you're a person who normally keeps day time hours.
megabit15 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Sorry, clicked the wrong button - apparently a few too many times...
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Oh my! Now what? What are you feeling? 1AM is a little odd? Does he drink? Could it have been a drunk dial? How was his tone to you? Was he being sweet at all???? Or just cordial? I always answer my phone too in the middle of the night. It is just a reaction. I think you did the right thing....were you able to sleep after that?? I am not sure I would be able to!
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Thank all of you for your feedback!! It was just really weird. I can't get over the phone call really. He was wanting to chit chat like nothing had happened! Wakes me up out of a dead sleep to chit chat!! Not only that but after all this time. I honestly don't know what to do or how to handle it. Everyone says cool, calm, and collected but these past few months haven't been cool, calm, and collected as far as my emotions are concerned. No, I work your typical 9 to 5 Mon thru Fri. I was so dumb founded by the call that after a couple minutes I simply said that I was going back to sleep. Didn't offer a phone call back just said "I'm going back to sleep". After a pause, he said 'Can I call you in the morning?' haha The money....well, I pretty much wrote that off. I'm not going to refuse it but why call at 1 a.m. to talk about it?? He also said that he missed me...again, no response from me on that one. He basically did all the talking. I wasn't practicing NC for the reasons that are so generally discussed here. I did NC because he asked for a break almost 3 months ago and I wasn't about to call him. Space is what someone wants, space is what they'll get! He just left it at that....no official 'break up'. I longed for the day that I would get further explanation as to why he felt it necessary to disappear. Art...that's what's in the pit of my stomach....all this time and feelings of tourment w/out an answer! I will remember this hell he put me thru! I'm nervous about the next call now.
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Oh my! Now what? What are you feeling? 1AM is a little odd? Does he drink? Could it have been a drunk dial? How was his tone to you? Was he being sweet at all???? Or just cordial? I always answer my phone too in the middle of the night. It is just a reaction. I think you did the right thing....were you able to sleep after that?? I am not sure I would be able to! Feeling anxious. I don't know if he was drunk. He sounded normal..plus, he has his daughter this weekend. His tone was low at first then the questions started flying and quickly went to 'wow, no time has passed' we're good ol buddies again. The whole time I'm thinking WTF so, I can only imagine what I sounded like lol. I wasn't happy, wasn't sad, kinda numb actually. Nope, call was at 1 and I recall looking at the clock at 5 thinking, DAMN IT!! lol So, needless to say, I'm pretty beat right now.
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I always found myself sucked in by his niceness and youHAVE to remember what you have gone thru. Do not make the mistake i have made over and over and that is letting them think it is ok to do this and come back like nothing happened. Good luck and keep us updated!
JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Good luck with this. I would say that the real problem here is the fact that he calls you and acts like nothing happened. This is typical of an enotional abuser. They are devoid of empathy and sympathy towards the other person. He is not and cannot see your side of things - how the lack of closure hurt you and the hurt that it has caused you for these two months. He just expects that when you hear his voice that you will be eager to return to the fold. Talk with him if you choose to, but you need to make him aware of what he has done to you. See how he reacts and if he has genuine concern. And remember actions speak louder than words. Some people will say anything to get you back. i.e..."I've changed" and so forth. Make sure his actions follow his words. From my experience of taking someone back...if they do it once (disappear) then chances are good that they will do it again. Not always, but it is very likely so beware and best of luck.
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 ok john john......you must have gone thru so much that I have to know all this!!!!!You are very wise! That acatully just confirmed some things for me. Mine would goaway for periods and act as nothing had changed. So that is emotional abise too I guess. I hate how self absorbed these people can be. I always said that mine waited until he thought I cooled down and forgot why I was mad and then called. Not hijacking the thread, just amazed that I am not the only one who has dealt with all this.
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Sounds self serving and inconsiderate Short, sweet, and sooo TRUE!! Beth5201...this applies to you as well! Thank you johnjohn. I honestly don't know what his intentions of the phone call were. Testing the waters maybe? Trying to absolve some guilt? Too soon to tell. I can see where you're coming from with your 'emotional abuse' theory. He did NOT apologize at all in this conversation. He admitted to his behavior but did not apologize for it. Although, the conversation was short lived....I don't know how to address him for the next call. I can't make believe that what he did was 'minor' when it absolutely was not! Don't mean to be dramatic about all of this but I was completely caught off guard.
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I know you were not expecting it but didn't I tell you he would call??? Just be prepared and you have to decide what you want from this. Do you want to be with him? If the answer is no, why answer? Do to him what he has done to you for 2 months. Considering the circumstances with you two, I am not so sure that I would be so quick to forgive. Re read the PMs we have sent to remind you of what you have been thru. hang in there
JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 ok john john......you must have gone thru so much that I have to know all this!!!!!You are very wise! That acatully just confirmed some things for me. Mine would goaway for periods and act as nothing had changed. So that is emotional abise too I guess. I hate how self absorbed these people can be. I always said that mine waited until he thought I cooled down and forgot why I was mad and then called. Not hijacking the thread, just amazed that I am not the only one who has dealt with all this. No you are not alone. That's why we are all here...to support one another and share our experiences. Anyone that disappears like happened to you or Heartnsoul is an emotional abuser. Whether they are narcissistic or not, it doesn't matter. They have a talent of knowing when to let you cool down and when enough time passes that you will start to miss all the good times. That's when they seem to contact. Or when they have sensed that you have moved on. I think they have a sixth sense about this.
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I sometimes think that they also start to miss the good times and that is why they call. Or maybe you are right, they just hope we forget why we are mad. Isn't it funny that it only takes 1 call for me to remember why I wanted him out of my life!
JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I honestly don't know what his intentions of the phone call were. Testing the waters maybe? Trying to absolve some guilt It's all about power and control. He is trying to see if he still has control over you. If you answer and respond to him, then he does. Any attention, positive or negative, is what they are after. Just like a child when they want attention. Basically emotional abusers are like children in the sense that they are "emotionally stunted". They might be adults in biological age, but their emotional maturity is that of a child - forever stunted. They don't apologize because they know they will do it again and then that way you can't come to them and say "see you're doing it again and you even apologozed for it last time". Believe me they know this. Rather than apologize to you or I, they will internalize it and get mad at themselves for screwing up again and then repress those emotions. Repressing emotions is why they are emotionally stunted.
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Wow johnjohn...that's interesting. Makes perfect sense! Would it be a lost cause to answer his calls at this point? He's already shown me that he's not going to apologize. If he didn't do it in his original call, why would it ever come? Not only that, apologies are really meaningless. The damage is done. His past action (or lack thereof) spoke in volumes. I'm left here with a big fat 'Hmmmmmmm'
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Art...that's what's in the pit of my stomach....all this time and feelings of tourment w/out an answer! I will remember this hell he put me thru! I'm nervous about the next call now. I hope he calls.. At least you can end the call how you feel right about instead of having to talk while sleepy.. If you had ended the call with I'll call you tommorrrow then you get the power back and get to decide when to call.. Rather than having to wait for his call.
JohnJohn Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Would it be a lost cause to answer his calls at this point? He's already shown me that he's not going to apologize. If he didn't do it in his original call, why would it ever come? Not only that, apologies are really meaningless. The damage is done. His past action (or lack thereof) spoke in volumes. Well answering his calls is your choice, of course. Art makes a good point in saying that if you tell him you will get back to him that you regain the power. That way you can decide if you want to or not and leave him hanging. Show him that you have some backbone and won't give in to him all the time. My ex never apologized, although I could tell she had some remorse in what she did. It didn't matter because her actions were never corrected. I asked myself if I would want to be with someone that could never apologize (and I mean sincerely and back it with actions, not just say the words) and could never take accountability for their part in the situation. I said no. A healthy relationship, in my opinion, is one where both partners see their part in it and can negotiate and work through it together. If you choose to stay with someone that cannot do this, then you will forever be in a relationship where you will become totally submissive to them.
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Very wise man indeed!! OK, so, I left myself open to the 'waiting' game again. IF he should phone again, I'll reverse the outcome and be on my way out the door. I really hate games but c'mon, he really deserves it! What if (lol) his asking if he could call me this a.m. (which hasen't happened as of yet) and me replying 'yes' was all the ahole needed to keep up his momentum? Wow, I'm wayyy overanalyzing now!! Should I simply e mail my address from him to mail the $$ ugh...I'm driving myself absolutely insane.
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 awwww you poor thing....you have turned into me!!! lol Stop thinking of the what ifs.....Just see what unfolds. He may call and he may not. I bet he does. Actaully, he prob expects you yo call him if he does not. The thing that I hated was I suffered so many months and then when he would call and act like things were ok, I would be on cloud 9 and just so happy he called...what??? Ok then I would think.....wait.....what about the months I spent crying and hurt???? Just take it one step at a time. It is up to him to call you now. If he is like my ex, he will not call. He just wanted to know you would answer. Technically, it is after morning......did he usually call when he said he would?Do you want to be with him?
Author heartnsoul Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 awwww you poor thing....you have turned into me!!! lol Stop thinking of the what ifs.....Just see what unfolds. He may call and he may not. I bet he does. Actaully, he prob expects you yo call him if he does not. The thing that I hated was I suffered so many months and then when he would call and act like things were ok, I would be on cloud 9 and just so happy he called...what??? Ok then I would think.....wait.....what about the months I spent crying and hurt???? Just take it one step at a time. It is up to him to call you now. If he is like my ex, he will not call. He just wanted to know you would answer. Technically, it is after morning......did he usually call when he said he would?Do you want to be with him? LOL...dag nab it!! I'm not on cloud 9, I'm in hell!! I do need to stop with the 'what ifs' that's for sure! Very true, it is no longer a.m. Ah well, need to do some shopping today anyways. Umm, as far as calling when he said he would....I can't say yes to that. It was never hours of waiting but not always on the dot either. Do I want to be with him? He's lacking some fundamentals therefore, my answer is (a shaky) no. My head and my heart aren't on the same page right now. I know you can relate! Here I am in a tizzy and he's probably well rested and enjoying his day with his daughter and family. I really need to get a grip! Thank all of you for your time. I do appreciate it!
smile95 Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Go shop your heart out and just take it as it comes.....try not to get excited, but do not worry about it too much either. Isn't this a kick in the butt to how breaking NC can mess with your head! I hate that! Enjoy your day and donot wait for that call. If he is with his daughter, that will be his excuse for not calling this AM I am sure. Just go about today as if last night never happened.
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