Tristram Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 LJ- thanks for the backup lady! Tudor- thanks for the compliment on the post Tristam- I went back and read your original post again as to what happened with your marriage. I'm not sure if I even posted on the original thread. Your discovery is fairly recent it seems so that may be why you are reacting the way you are. I wanted to say that I call bull**** on two things in your wife's story- 1. the part where she says she did it because she was curious and 2. the part where she says neither one of them orgasmed. Not sure if you've done further digging or if she's been more truthful but I would suspect there is alot more to this story than you know. Very rarely are they completely truthful until you have them "balls to the wall" so to speak. When you said that she had not told you something was wrong, I can understand that. My husbands ex wife also did this. He would ask and ask and she would always say "Nothing." He says the major mistake that he made was not insisting that she talk to him about what was bothering her. In other words, he still thinks that he made a mistake in that part too! It's true that men are not mind readers, and I fully agree in asking for what you want. That's something that I learned in my marriage. Two good books for you would be "His Needs, Her Needs-How to affair proof your marriage" and "The Five Love Languages" Both deal with the different needs that each partner has. You can also use the five love languages to find out what your wifes love language is. For instance- my love languages are 1. Affection and 2. Acts of Service. In my first marriage, I went around performing both of these- because that's what I wanted- when my exh's love language was probably something altogether different. In reading the books, you will understand more of what I'm talking about. That is probably something that would be good for you and your wife to do together. It sounds like your wife really is sorry. I hope that the two of you are able to work it out because of your family. Here's a thought- why don't you ask her what it was that was missing from your marriage that made her think she had to do this?? She may say, "Nothing" but then again she may tell you what it was. That way you could work on it and make things better than they ever were before- that would give you the window to open up a discussion about how you would like things to change should you stay together. I did not want to feel like I was hijacking the other thread so I started this one.
Author Tristram Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 You are probably correct about my attitude. I have been on a roller coaster ride ever since I found out. I never know how I feel anymore. I have always tried to be a nice guy and do whatever I could for someone else. All it has ever gotten me in return though is crapped on. However, I apologize for my rudeness. Also what she is telling me now is that she never had any sexual interest in the OM what so ever. She claims she was not attracted to him physically in the least. She just wanted a friend to talk to. They sat up drinking one night and things got out of hand. She says she did not expect what happened to happen and that she doesnt know how it even started. She holds to it only happened once and when she realized what was going on she told the OM to stop to which he agreed. Supposidly they had drank themselves stupid I guess. She does have low self esteem. And I guess she may have thought I did not want to do anything with her. What doesnt make sense to me is if this happened, then why did she keep talking to him. Why did she type perverted letters back and forth after this happened (they both claim the IM's were just talk and nothing in them was true). Her behavior at the time just doesnt make sense to me if what she says really happened. I also found a letter in the trash were she apologized to him for her letting me find out and harming his marriage. She says she wrote it because she did not think we would be together and at least she would have a friend. Also she wrote in it "Just know I have no regrets, You understand". Of course after I found out she still wanted to be friends with the OM, even to the point of getting mad and upset. All this from a woman who says the OM meant nothing to her and I mean everything. And the first time I asked her to get checked for STD's, boy did that hit a nerve! To me none of what shes says makes any sense. She is determined to keep me I will say that. Her attitude has improved considerably in the last month and she is doing the best she knows how. Problem for me is I still feel like I am not getting the entire truth about what happen. I have put her through as much hell as possible to get the truth. She keeps saying the same thing though. I dont know, it's hard to swallow something that makes no sense as true. What your guys ex did to him is kinda what she did. I ask if something is wrong and all I ever heard was Nothing. Nor did she ever actually try to communicate her feelings prior to all this. And no, I can't blame myself for any of it when I did not know what to fix. I tried my best to get her to talk to me, what else could I have done?
Mz. Pixie Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 You are probably correct about my attitude. I have been on a roller coaster ride ever since I found out. I never know how I feel anymore. I have always tried to be a nice guy and do whatever I could for someone else. All it has ever gotten me in return though is crapped on. However, I apologize for my rudeness. Also what she is telling me now is that she never had any sexual interest in the OM what so ever. She claims she was not attracted to him physically in the least. She just wanted a friend to talk to. They sat up drinking one night and things got out of hand. She says she did not expect what happened to happen and that she doesnt know how it even started. She holds to it only happened once and when she realized what was going on she told the OM to stop to which he agreed. Supposidly they had drank themselves stupid I guess. She does have low self esteem. And I guess she may have thought I did not want to do anything with her. What doesnt make sense to me is if this happened, then why did she keep talking to him. Why did she type perverted letters back and forth after this happened (they both claim the IM's were just talk and nothing in them was true). Her behavior at the time just doesnt make sense to me if what she says really happened. I also found a letter in the trash were she apologized to him for her letting me find out and harming his marriage. She says she wrote it because she did not think we would be together and at least she would have a friend. Also she wrote in it "Just know I have no regrets, You understand". Of course after I found out she still wanted to be friends with the OM, even to the point of getting mad and upset. All this from a woman who says the OM meant nothing to her and I mean everything. And the first time I asked her to get checked for STD's, boy did that hit a nerve! To me none of what shes says makes any sense. She is determined to keep me I will say that. Her attitude has improved considerably in the last month and she is doing the best she knows how. Problem for me is I still feel like I am not getting the entire truth about what happen. I have put her through as much hell as possible to get the truth. She keeps saying the same thing though. I dont know, it's hard to swallow something that makes no sense as true. What your guys ex did to him is kinda what she did. I ask if something is wrong and all I ever heard was Nothing. Nor did she ever actually try to communicate her feelings prior to all this. And no, I can't blame myself for any of it when I did not know what to fix. I tried my best to get her to talk to me, what else could I have done? Oh my, I have my own topic now??? What else could you have done? Well, I'm not going to pick here but there are people that subscribe to the idea that you keep giving the person love and that eventually they will respond in kind. I don't really agree with that idea because I tried that in my first marriage and it didn't work. What your wife is doing is called babble. In all seriousness, she is probably right that the affair wasn't about sex. I know mine wasn't. It doesn't matter what the person looks like etc- it's about the strokes that you're getting from this person that you're not getting from your spouse. She kept talking to him after discovery because she wasn't ready to end things. That stuff about being friends is crap. She wanted to keep him around for whatever she's getting out of it. Have you been to the MB website?? Google Why Women Leave Men and you will find the site. There is alot of good information on there...... I do know one thing though- she needs to stop all contact with this guy. If you guys need to move, then do so- in fact if you guys stay married I couldn't live next to a person who had sex with my spouse! Then, you guys need to find a good marriage counselor and work on these issues. I still do not feel that she is being truthful with you- I think there is way more than you know about. The natural reaction to being caught is to minimize the information- to keep from looking bad, or hurting the BS (betrayed spouse). I would almost bet that you do not have the entire truth about the situation. My guys ex wife did give him clues to the fact that she wasn't happy. She wasn't making love with him with the same frequency she had, she was short and rude with him, her attention to their home went down. She started wanting to go out with the girls. Then that led to staying out all night. In the back of his mind he did think she might be cheating but he really didn't press the issue- he was in denial. He didn't actually get a confession out of her until she told him she was pregnant by the OM. Can you think of any clues that your wife gave to you nonverbally that she wasn't happy??
Author Tristram Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 What your wife is doing is called babble. In all seriousness, she is probably right that the affair wasn't about sex. I know mine wasn't. It doesn't matter what the person looks like etc- it's about the strokes that you're getting from this person that you're not getting from your spouse. She kept talking to him after discovery because she wasn't ready to end things. That stuff about being friends is crap. She wanted to keep him around for whatever she's getting out of it. I totally agree. I think it had something to do with me not spending time with her doing what she wanted to do. At least that is the only thing I can think of so far. Have you been to the MB website?? Google Why Women Leave Men and you will find the site. There is alot of good information on there...... I checked it out. Found some things to think about on there. I do know one thing though- she needs to stop all contact with this guy. If you guys need to move, then do so- in fact if you guys stay married I couldn't live next to a person who had sex with my spouse! Then, you guys need to find a good marriage counselor and work on these issues. I still do not feel that she is being truthful with you- I think there is way more than you know about. The natural reaction to being caught is to minimize the information- to keep from looking bad, or hurting the BS (betrayed spouse). I would almost bet that you do not have the entire truth about the situation. She says she understands now that she cant see or talk to the OM anymore. And agrees we should move. I am still thinking about the counseling thing. And no, I dont think she is telling me everything either. Any ideas on how to get the truth? I've tried everything I can think of, from threating to leave, to even getting so upset to attempt suicide at one point. Ive tried everything to tell her how serious this is and that out of all of it, the lieing was the worst. I even told her if she ever lies to me again and I find out any other way then her telling me, I'm gone. She knows I mean it. I just dont understand why she cant tell me, and it is driving me insane. At least our communication has improved substaintially. Also immediatly after I found out she wanted to run from what she did rather then face up to it. At first she would get mad and upset when I tried to talk to her about this. She threatened to leave a couple times. Stopped when I told her I wouldnt be here if she decided to come back because I would consider it over if she did leave. She also said she wrote the one letter I found, because she thought she might leave but had a change of heart. Could that be any indication of somthing, other then her being a coward? Can you think of any clues that your wife gave to you nonverbally that she wasn't happy?? Unfortunatly, no. She seemed upset at times, never would say why. And got upset when I wanted to do something other then what she wanted. But that is it. Then her behavior changed, but that was due to the affair I'm certain. I dont remember anything other then that. P.S. thanks for still talking to me.
Yikes Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 If you feel in the pit of your stomach that there is more there than she is telling you, then there probably is. I totally agree with Mz. Pixie on this. The cheaters nearly always candy coat things or just tell part of the truth. Lets face it it has got to be tough coming clean. My wife had a lengthy affair with my best friend. First they just denied that they were having an affair. When when they couldn't continue with that load of BS any longer, they said that they had a special friendship that developed into deeper feelings, but no sex. Only when their backs were against the wall and after getting caught (again) did they admit that they had been having a full blown affair for years. I find it so insulting when someone who is supposed to love you or someone who is supposed to be your friend can look you in the eye and treat you with such disrespect. We tried the moving thing to make a new start. We tried counselling for a while until my ex bailed on it. She went right back to her lying cheating ways (if she ever stopped at all) so I ended things. The new start could probably work if both parties are GENUINELY SERIOUS at saving the marriage. She can have NOTHING to do with this guy, he is a cancer on your marriage. I won't lie to you, you have an up-hill battle on your hands and the odds are against you BUT all may not be lost just yet. Good luck. Yikes
Author Tristram Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 If you feel in the pit of your stomach that there is more there than she is telling you, then there probably is. I totally agree with Mz. Pixie on this. The cheaters nearly always candy coat things or just tell part of the truth. Lets face it it has got to be tough coming clean. I feel there is. But what if I'm wrong . I may make things worse due to my own insecurities. I dont know what to do on that. My wife had a lengthy affair with my best friend. First they just denied that they were having an affair. When when they couldn't continue with that load of BS any longer, they said that they had a special friendship that developed into deeper feelings, but no sex. Only when their backs were against the wall and after getting caught (again) did they admit that they had been having a full blown affair for years. I find it so insulting when someone who is supposed to love you or someone who is supposed to be your friend can look you in the eye and treat you with such disrespect. I know the feeling. At least I can take some comefort in the belief, what goes around comes around. We tried the moving thing to make a new start. We tried counselling for a while until my ex bailed on it. She went right back to her lying cheating ways (if she ever stopped at all) so I ended things. Those kind of thoughts have me seriously considering throwing in the towel. I have no way to know what she may do in the future. The new start could probably work if both parties are GENUINELY SERIOUS at saving the marriage. She can have NOTHING to do with this guy, he is a cancer on your marriage. She seems like she is serious. But there is no telling. I won't lie to you, you have an up-hill battle on your hands and the odds are against you BUT all may not be lost just yet. I hear ya. However I have had it. I dont think I can ever get over this. I am going to pack up and get ready to leave tonight. Rather or not I do will depend on her. But the emotions I have are to strong and I have lost hope.
Yikes Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Tristram, Why don't you sleep on it? Just because my wife didn't take advantage of our "new start" doesn't mean that yours won't. One thing that I know is that you are probably on an emotional rollercoaster and guess what? That's normal. Take your time and think things through. Bounce your thoughts off others in these forums... there are some pretty smart people lurking about. Sometimes I regret giving my wife the second chance. Making the move wound up costing me a fair bit of money. But what I did get was something that money can't buy... piece of mind. I know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do so that my kids would not have to come from a broken home. I am not happy with the way everything turned out, but I am not carrying any "what if I only did this? or What if I tried that" type of baggage - and that's good. My Ex? She's a mess, and the best part is, she's not my problem anymore. Woo-hoo!! I said that it was going to be an uphill battle - not totally impossible. Take care. Yikes!
TMCM Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Sometimes I regret giving my wife the second chance. Making the move wound up costing me a fair bit of money. But what I did get was something that money can't buy... piece of mind. I know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do so that my kids would not have to come from a broken home. I am not happy with the way everything turned out, but I am not carrying any "what if I only did this? or What if I tried that" type of baggage - and that's good. My Ex? She's a mess, and the best part is, she's not my problem anymore. Woo-hoo!! I said that it was going to be an uphill battle - not totally impossible. Take care. Yikes! Tristram, This quote from Yikes says it all. You know well enough that there is no way that YOU can prevent your W from having another affair [only SHE can]. The question is can you make peace with your decision to give her another chance knowing that the possibility exists that she MAY have another affair? Perhaps your fear is not that she may have another affair but that if it does happen years from now, that you may feel that you 'wasted' many good years that could have been better invested with another woman. Yikes and I had children from our previous marriages and so we had to take their best interests very seriously into consideration before we chose to end our marriages, is that your situation? If it isn't then I ask you to please seriously consider taking the lead with regards to birth control. Your marriage is on probation and the last thing you need is to help bring an innocent child into such a shaky marriage. Lastly, please don't make the mistake that many betrayed spouses make and let the pre-affair issues continue unresolved after the affair ends. Remember, that until further notice, your marriage is on probation. TMCM
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 Yikes, I think I will do that. And yea, the feelings change like a bounceing ball. TMCM You know well enough that there is no way that YOU can prevent your W from having another affair [only SHE can]. The question is can you make peace with your decision to give her another chance knowing that the possibility exists that she MAY have another affair? That is diffenatly part of it. I truly have nightmares about that very thing even. Couldnt even sleep the other night. Perhaps your fear is not that she may have another affair but that if it does happen years from now, that you may feel that you 'wasted' many good years that could have been better invested with another woman. I do think that way. I fear I will regret staying with her. Especially when I have a good chance of being happy with some one else. Yikes and I had children from our previous marriages and so we had to take their best interests very seriously into consideration before we chose to end our marriages, is that your situation? Yes, I have two precious little girls. And I do think of them, otherwise this situation would be completly different. Lastly, please don't make the mistake that many betrayed spouses make and let the pre-affair issues continue unresolved after the affair ends. Remember, that until further notice, your marriage is on probation. I understand that completly. Figureing out what they all were is going to be the problem, I think anyway. To all of you, I was raised with the belief, "once a cheat, always a cheat". So my morality even weighs heavely upon me. Yes, No one is beyond redemption. However some never redem themselves.
Devildog Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Sometimes I regret giving my wife the second chance. Making the move wound up costing me a fair bit of money. But what I did get was something that money can't buy... piece of mind. I know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do so that my kids would not have to come from a broken home. I am not happy with the way everything turned out, but I am not carrying any "what if I only did this? or What if I tried that" type of baggage - and that's good. My Ex? She's a mess, and the best part is, she's not my problem anymore. Woo-hoo!! This was a biggie for me too! It is a huge burden that you are free of when you can look back if things don't work out and know that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I know I am happier in my life and with myself knowing that I gave it everything I had. But on the other side of this, don't allow her to burn you time and time again. Work on yourself, becoming a better person, trying to fulfil the needs she feels are missing. But there should be no 3rd chance. If your attempts to change still don't give her the incentive to stay faithful, then end things. You have got some major heavy hitters here giving you advice. Very wise folks who have been through the fire. I advise you to give heed to what they say.
Yikes Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Tristram, Yikes and I had children from our previous marriages TMCM Actually, not so for me. I have a son and a daughter from my one and only marriage. We are legally separated and have been for 2 years but as of yet we have not divorced. We absolutely WILL be getting a divorce though - no question, we are finished. I am working on the paperwork now. In my case the "emotional connection" was lost with my wife. Tried as I did to re-connect, it just wasn't going to happen. The reason that it wasn't going to happen? She continued to secretly see the other man so our marriage was dead in the water. Looking back, my wife didn't want "me" anymore but she was afraid to be on her own. (other man was married and until very recently, still with his family) What she did want me for was the stability that I brought to the table. She liked that was a good provider, a good father and I worked hard around the house. But she no longer wanted me as true partner and lover. Because she was afraid to go it on her own, she was determined to use me until the other man came through on his promises and left his wife. The sad part is, she is a grown woman with a college education and a full-time job. She used me because she was selfish NOT because she wasn't capable. Hang in there. Yikes
Mz. Pixie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 At this point, she may be afraid of your reaction to the truth. In my case, I was on my way out of the marriage... the A was a wake up call for me that I had to get out. I didn't want to mend things but I still didn't want to hurt him with all the details of the A. Also, the other guy was a friend of the family and I was trying to protect him, his wife and their kids. I know that sounds wierd, but I was. If I admitted details, then I had to admit who it was and that was something I couldn't do at that point. This does not apply to your wife. You already know who it was. She may be afraid to tell you the truth. My suggestion would be for you to reassure her that you only want the truth, that you're not going to freak out or leave when she admits it to you. The issue is though, would you really mean that if you said that?? You have to be prepared that if she tells you the truth to have a good reaction. I know that sounds crazy for me to say that but she has to not be afraid to tell you. If you think you'll go ballistic or anything like that, then perhaps now is not the time for the truth.
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 This was a biggie for me too! It is a huge burden that you are free of when you can look back if things don't work out and know that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I know I am happier in my life and with myself knowing that I gave it everything I had. I am beginning to think that is how I will have to look at it. I believe I will be fine long as I feel I have done the right thing. But on the other side of this, don't allow her to burn you time and time again. Work on yourself, becoming a better person, trying to fulfil the needs she feels are missing. But there should be no 3rd chance. If your attempts to change still don't give her the incentive to stay faithful, then end things. No worries on that! I am not going to waste my time on her anymore if she even lies to me about anything serious again. Let alone cheat again. She knows full well it's over if it ever happens again. I have made it absolutly clear to her what I will not tolerate any more. If she even starts to slip into old habits, its over. I kick myself every day for coming back and even letting her have a chance to redeem herself. I will not do it again, he!! I may even change my mind about this one.
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 Mz. Pixie, I have tried that lately also. I dont think I will go ballistic or anything. The truth cant be worse then some of the things I have imagined possible. She still keeps saying the same thing, "I have told you everything I can remember." She says she understands that I dont believe her and why. I dont know what to think. I still feel like I am being lied to though. And that alone (rather she is or isnt) is a extremely rough feeling. I am not going to be lied to anymore. And I have told her if I have to find out the truth from someone else, it's over for me. And she knows I mean it. What she doesnt understand is that I am getting tired of this cat and mouse game. If it continues I'm done. I have tried everything I can think of, yet I get the SOS. Do you think I have good reason to believe there is more? Or am I maybe overreacting?
Mz. Pixie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 It's hard to say. Perhaps there isn't anything else?? If you're threatening to leave her everytime you don't get your way then she's not going to feel safe in telling you anything. I'm not meaning to be harsh but do you see what I'm saying?? She needs to feel that you're 100 percent commited to the marriage and working on it. I know that sounds wierd, considering she is the one who cheated but trust me on that. I think you should insist on counseling. It's possible that if there is anything that it may come out during that. She needs to know the reason WHY she cheated and at this point, "because I was curious" doesn't fly.
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 She finally basically said this the other day. The reason she was spending time with him is because she did not feel I wanted to spend time with her. That it seemed like I only wanted to do what I wanted to. While true to a extent, I dont understand why she could not have told me that before all this mess. I would have understood that, afterall I am not a complete a-hole or anything. But then she never wanted to talk about issue's as she calls them. Guess it was doomed from the get go. She says she did not want what happened to happen and she does feel terrible it did. She also claims she kept talking to him because she thought if she suddenly stopped I would know something was up. And no, I dont threaten her to leave everytime. I dont tell her alot of the things that are going through my mind about this, unless I feel pretty certain about them. My mind changes alot given a little time. However the thought that she isnt telling me everything is something I am pretty confident in. Even though I could be wrong.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Just keep in mind, as you're going through this that she is still the mother of your children and the woman you married. She may not be acting like it now but eventually she will come to her senses. The question is, are you willing to hang in until then?? Even if you never fully know what happened?
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 I have noticed a change in her overall attitude. So yea, I think she is starting, "to come to her senses". I just get so frustrated with this whole thing. I am the kind of person that has to have the truth, I dont feel trusted otherwise (how can you truly trust someone that doesnt trust you without any given reason?). So unfortunatly I will hold some resentment towards her if she doesnt tell me. I am thinking I may be going about this all the wrong way. Perhaps I should show her I love her and make her feel wanted (I do afterall). Maybe I should try and give her all the love and affection I can and ask nothing in return. Although that will create a conundrum for me. How do I explain to her I just dont want to have sex with her (which I dont really anyway), with out hurting her?
Mz. Pixie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Sex may not be an issue anyway...... I think in essence your attitude has been "She'll have to do whatever I want" to be able to keep you. In reality, yeah, that seems like the way it should be, but don't you want to appear to be someone she wants to be with?? Is finding out the truth about knowing the whole story or about having more ammunition to use against her?? From what I've read it helps to show her love but be firm with your expectations about boundaries- ie- you will not tolerate her being in contact with this guy and she has to work on the marriage, period.
Author Tristram Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 Sex may not be an issue anyway...... I know it isnt for me. I dont know if it will become one for her though. Needless to say I dont feel very sexual at this time, and really dont want to. But I know she will. Thus the conundrum. I think in essence your attitude has been "She'll have to do whatever I want" to be able to keep you. In reality, yeah, that seems like the way it should be, but don't you want to appear to be someone she wants to be with?? It's not that I want her to do "whatever" I want. I need reassurance it wont happen again for one. And I need to know how she truly feels. Cheating is after all one of the worst pains you can inflict upon someone you supposidly love, intended or not. Is finding out the truth about knowing the whole story or about having more ammunition to use against her?? Neither, it's about honesty, trust and sincerity. Although, I would like to know the whole story also. Far as I am concerend cheating is cheating, so no I dont need anymore "ammunition". Make sense? From what I've read it helps to show her love but be firm with your expectations about boundaries- ie- you will not tolerate her being in contact with this guy and she has to work on the marriage, period. Believe me, I am going to stand my ground on what I will not tolerate. She knows what I expect and agrees with my expectations. I have not asked her to do anything that is not realistic or understandable. And I have not forced her to do anything, but I have made it abundently clear to her actions do have consequence and to think before actually doing. A lot of what I type here is what I think. That does not necessarily mean I will do those things. Plus sometimes I just need to vent. I realize how I must come across to you with all the anger, frustration and impatience in what I type. But I really am not like that. This whole thing has brung out the worst in me and I am trying to not let those things motivate me, but its not easy. There may be truth in, "you never know what its like until you are on the other side of the table".
TMCM Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Tristram, In order for your W to be trustworthy she must act trustworthy. Her embracing the concept of accountability by becoming totally transparent in all her actions would go a long way in helping not only your marital recovery but your personal recovery as well. But also keep in mind that, as Mz Pixie pointed out, you must provide an emotional environment where she will feel safe opening up to you and share her deepest thoughts and feelings with no fear for doing so. The point is that BOTH of you need to regain trust in one another in order for the two of you to feel that there is a future for the marriage. Perhaps you conveying this to her can help get the ball rolling towards achieving that objective. TMCM
Author Tristram Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Sorry I have not replied in awhile. I have been rather busy. TMCM, I understand that. But things seem rather futile at times. To update things, It seems the A-hole called my house the other day while I was at work. Wife says she did not speak to him and claims to have been on the internet. I found out because the OM wife pressed redial on her phone and it dialed my number. Needless to say I was not very pleased when I got of the phone with her. I started to leave at first. Wife did everything she could to get me to stay. At least one thing is apparent, she does not want to get divorced. She even finally stated she will go to MC if I need to. She also called the OM and left a message on thier answering machine as follows: I am trying to work on my marriage and you calling is not helping. (tristram) doesnt believe me that I did not talk to you. If you call again I will call the cops. (pursue harassment charges). I dont know what to make of everything and I feel like a fool. I am beginning to think I am just being played. Even though she seems to be trying (no telling what may be going on behind my back). I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to trust her again. Might as well throw in the towel if I can't. She wants to keep the marriage, but I just dont know. Thoughts anyone?
Mz. Pixie Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Hey hon, I've been getting the shxt kicked out of me in the separation forum today so I almost missed this post. I do not think you're being played now. I think she truly does want to work on the marriage. Look at it this way- she cannot help it that the guy called. My suggestion is to change the number. If it happens again you'll know she was lying because she had to have given him the number. Seriously, I believe she does want to work on the marriage. Please consider the MC.
Author Tristram Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Mz. Pixie, Thanks for responding. My thoughts exactly on the number. We are about to move, in the process of trying to get a house (not sure buying a house is wise at this time but anyway). It will be in another county and I will get a different unlisted number. Time will tell I guess.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Great, Tristam. I had been wondering where you had been. Please, please, please strongly consider the MC. I believe alot of things will come up and out of this. Having a outside opinion beside your friends and family of a professional works wonders. It's worth every penny actually.
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