"Breaks" - Do you wait them out?

[wx3]

My situation is definitely a difficult one. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months, and we are very happy when we are together. Recently, I sensed that she was holding something back - she was quiet and obviously something was on her mind. Eventually - with consistent reassuring that whatever news she has I won’t get upset - she tells me that she's confused about what she wants. Basically, she and her ex-boyfriend broke up but were supposed to get back together during the summer. Once the summer came around, and they still hadn't gotten back together, she moved on (and went to me). As soon as her ex found out she had a new boyfriend, he decided it was time to act, and told her he still had feelings for her. Well, to my surprise, she told him he took to long and she didn’t want to deal with him any more. The predicament is this: Now she isn't so sure. I suggested a break - not her - so she could have some time to find herself and decide what she wanted. At first she didn't want to go on the break, but now shes happy that she can figure out what she wants. I guess why I'm so confused is because she always tells me she really cares about me, really still likes me as a boyfriend, and she wants me to wait for her because she honestly thinks that she can see herself with me in the future. My problem is that I don't know what to do. Do I wait out this "break" because I love her or do I go with my gut and move on because I don’t think she will ever get over her ex? I just don’t know how to address the situation, because honestly, I love her too much to even consider leaving her. I want to wait, but something’s telling me I shouldn't, because I'm just wasting my time. Oh, I almost forgot. She's Brazilian, so for Christmas she's going to Brazil for a month (10/18 - 1/13). Once she gets home she will decide whether or not she wants a relationship or not with me, but I can't help but think waiting that long will be a big waste of time in the end.

 

Additional info:

 

- She will not be dating others during this break, and she told me it is "up to me" if I want to date others.

- Her ex-boyfriend is EXTREMELY depressed that he can't be with her... he pours his emotions out to her and tells her how sorry he is... I think its finally getting to her.

- She's really taking this entire situation hard... it keeps her up at night, she's basically depressed, and she honestly doesn't know what to do.

- I do not talk to her about the situation, because I want her to figure it out ON HER OWN... not with the opinions or advice of others. (That may seem hypocritical, but I've gotten to the point where I need the advice of unbiased sources).

 

 

Thanks for any help in advance.

 

wx3

[LucreziaBorgia]

The whole 'ex' thing is something she needs to go ahead and work out, and work out entirely on her own. You will need to reciprocate on this break thing with a 'break up'. Let her know that you know she has a lot going on, and while you are sorry to see her in such a state - you feel it will be better to let her go entirely so she can put all her efforts into dealing with the 'ex' problem. Then, walk away and ask her not to contact you. There is no reason she needs to be talking to you during this time she is going to be having with her ex, anyway.

 

Cut her loose and let her deal with her own problems - you won't have a chance with her at all if you stick around. If you stick around, then you remain in the same state you were in that she needs a "break" from. If you stick around, she can't put forth her entire effort in dealing with this 'ex' problem and the problem stays unresolved - and as long as it is, you and she have no chance. So... the best bet is to walk away so that you can both make the necessary changes that will at least give you a chance should the opportunity come up. Then, move on and work her out of your system.

 

Your best bet is to simply move on, regardless of what this girl is going to do. If she comes back, she isn't going to want to come back to what she needed a break from. If she comes back, it will be to the guy you were at the very beginning of the relationship - and the only way you can be anything like that guy again is to start over with her purged entirely from your system. If she doesn't come back, you are over her anyway.

[wx3]

Well, I did forget one thing. We do go to school together (all three of us - she, her ex, and myself). She has told me that remaining friends is what she needs as of now, and I just really care about her so I'm thinking I should do that for her. She was a huge part of my life...I saw her every day and we were not just boyfriend and girlfriend but we were truly friends! Taking the "No Contact" approach is pretty much out of the question because I'm not going to change my schedule and life just to avoid her.

 

Oh, and in my original post, I had an error. Shes going to Brazil THROUGH Christmas, not for Christmas. Shes about to leave and will be coming back in the New Year on January 13th.

[wx3]

I'll stop commenting so often for now, but I do want to say your advice seems to be possibly my only option... unless anyone else has something

[soft heart]

Hey there,

 

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult situation. I know how hard it is to see the person you love not being 100% sure about you. You said that you were the one who initiated the break and I know how hard it can be when this is not something you wanted to do but you had to. However, I think you did the right thing because it seems to me that your Brazilian girl is not completely over her ex yet. Especially if she entered a relationship with you so soon after breaking up with him. It sounds like she was obviously deeply hurt by him and she was waiting for him and when she met you, she believed she was over him BUT as soon as he came begging her to take him back, she realised that she may not be and that's when she started to distance herself from you.

 

I think you should not wait for her, at least not in your mind. I know that it's easy to say and we cannot force our feelings but I think it's not fair on you that she has to decided who is the guy for her. Do you want to be someone she has to make her mind up about? If she was completely over him, she would tell him to leave her alone and she would concentrate on you and your relationship. BUT she even agreed to the break because obviously it's a little easier for her. She was given the time to decide and knowing that you are waiting for her does not put her under any pressure to make some real decisions. She gets attention from her ex-boyfriend who is begging her to come back and at the same time she thinks you will be waiting for her.

 

Also I do not have a real good experience with "breaks". I have just gone through one of the most painful experiences in my life, where my ex-boyfriend told me to take a break and see what happens. I know that your situation is completely different from mine but I still do not believe that when a couple has to take a break for any reasons that it is a healthy option for the people involved. Surely because if not both, at least one of them will suffer because they are waiting and hoping and there is no guarantee for them to reconcile.

 

It's hard to say whether you should wait for her or not because we do not know the girl and how genuine she is with you. You do not know the whole story with her ex-boyfriend also. Imagine if she calls you now and says to you that she chose you. I am sure that you will be really happy because you love her but on the other hand, wouldn't you be scared that she could become distant again at any point in the future because her ex-boyfriend appeared again? I think she needs at least 6 months or a few months to completely get over him and then she could be ready for a new relationship because if she comes back now so soon, it may be still unresolved and it does not give you any guarantee that she is ready to be in love with you or anyone else without thinking about her ex-boyfriend and worrying about him.

You know I am going through a hard time with my ex-boyfriend who changes his mind like his socks and puts me through some real hurt and I am finally reaching the point where I feel like I really need to walk away from this because it's destroying me. BUT I want to give myself at least 6 months or a year from now on to heal completely and to recover from all the hurt and the last thing I want to do is to find a new person and enter a new relationship with them. It's not fair on them because I know in my mind and my heart that I am not over my ex yet. But that's me and of course I am not your Brazilian girl so I am not sure what is going through her head but I think you need to move on.

 

Do not contact her and go out again and concentrate on yourself. She says she wants to be your friend. Well, if you think you can be her friend only, then be there for her but it may hurt you in case she decides to take her ex-boyfriend back. In this case, you cannot say anything becasue you agreed to be her friend. You know what I mean? Also I find that whenever people ask to be friends so soon after a break-up, they usually suggest it so they do not have to feel so guilty about things and they can kind of use you (not necessarily in a bad way) because they know you love them or care for them. You may need to be prepared that she may ask you for an advice on her situation so then you have to see how you feel about being her friend in case she feels sad about her ex-boyfriend. I also find that it's true that people do not realise what they have or what they lost until it's gone and it's no longer available. If you stay around, being her friend it may well be that she will get closer to you and in the end you will end up being a couple. Or it may also well be that she will not have the chance to miss you and to realise what she really wants. It really depends on what kind of friendship you guys have.

 

It is also very strange that she told you that it's up to you if you want to date others. Ok, I mean she has no right to stop you but if she really did not want to loose you, I think she would not say that. I mean at least if I really wanted someone and did not want him to like another girl, I would not say that. And you must remember that girls will sometime say things in order to get a reaction out of you. I am not sure but it's a little strange in my opinion.

 

You say that she is depressed and she doesn't know what to do. You are doing the right thing to let her make her own decision. You are not responsible for her relationship with her ex-boyfriend so let her decide. But I think you deserve better than this. You deserve a girl who will be completely healed from her past relationship and not depressed because she is not sure whether to go back to her ex or to be with you. Think about it. If you need more help, let me know... It may be sometimes a little difficult for a guy to understand girls;)

 

I hope that I could help you. But I trust that you will make the right decision, which will make YOU happy and which is right for YOU.

[wx3]

Thank you.. I really understand where you're coming from and I know I need to do what you're telling me. I've thought about a scenario and I'll lay it out as best as I can:

 

Perhaps when she comes back from Brazil she decides she needs me in her life. Well, if she had gotten the impression I've completely moved on, will she even try to tell me how she feels? Or will she keep it to herself and just pretend like she never figured anything out because she doesn't want to cause more confusion or conflict? She's the type of person that will not say or do certain things because she thinks about others feelings before her own. I guess what I'm trying to say is, a lot of times she will say something or act a certain way just to make a situation easier (i.e. telling me I can choose to date others if I want). In that regards, I know she doesn't want me to date others because she's the most jealous person in the world... but at the same time she doesnt want to clamp me down and shut off my options, or even be too pushy.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is - How do I affectively forget about her without giving her the idea that all hope is lost in the relationship? Do I eventually ask her if she wants to give it another try (like when she comes home from Brazil)? Do I just hope she acts on her own?

 

Thanks

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. How do I affectively forget about her without giving her the idea that all hope is lost in the relationship?

2. Do I eventually ask her if she wants to give it another try (like when she comes home from Brazil)?

3. Do I just hope she acts on her own?

 

1. By letting her know that while you would love to have a relationship in the future, you simply will not put your life on hold until that happens. Shut the door, but let her know she is free to come knocking one day.

2. No. Let things happen naturally, without setting up future contingency plans.

3. If she wants to come back, she will with or without your intervention.

 

Just let her know you need time to be on your own, and go to 'no contact' until you can get to the point where you are more or less indifferent to her, and are no longer 'looking forward to' any time or interaction with her. This will take some time, and it will seem like all hope is lost but it is absolutely necessary to get over her if you want any chance at all for a decent second chance. A second chance cannot survive if the broken first chance is still raw and unhealed. You do not want to be in a perpetual state of trying to revive the first chance - if you do, ironically you'll lose your second chance.

 

Rather, wait to contact her and let her contact you until you are at the point where if you are interacting with her, you are happy but otherwise you don't really have any expectations nor do you go out of your way to make sure contact happens. Basically how you were when you first got together and were deciding if you wanted a relationship with her or not.

[wx3]

Ok, I'm really glad I used these forums.

 

My final question is: Do I tell her that I'm moving on? Or do I just stop contact with her without warning? We've been broken up for about 2 weeks and I've remained pretty steady contact with her and been her friend through it... So how do I make the transition to "NC" or at least Less Contact.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Do I tell her that I'm moving on?

2. Or do I just stop contact with her without warning?

3. We've been broken up for about 2 weeks and I've remained pretty steady contact with her and been her friend through it...

4. So how do I make the transition to "NC"

 

1. Yes. Just let her know that you need some time of your own to get your head and heart together, and that it will be best if you do that uninterrupted.

2. You could, but she really needs to know that you are letting her go so that there is no 'unknown' factor keeping her from putting all of her efforts into what it is she needs to be doing.

3. Its good that you are her friend - however, the best way to be true friends right now is to let each other go so that you can each move on and past these things going on in your life. It will be easier for you both to deal with them separately from each other.

4. Call her, or email her and let her know that you care for her deeply, but that you need to move on with your life. That you would love to have her back in your life one day, but that day is not today. Today you need to make your break and move on, and you need to do it without her in your life.

[wx3]

Thank you for everything. I'm hoping you know all of this stuff because you're simply that smart... not because you've had to expierence the pain you obviously know how to handle. Again, thank you.. you've pretty much made everything 1,000 times easier because I now KNOW what I'm doing.

 

 

 

Thank you

[wx3]

Ok, update:

 

I just compiled all the main points (I would credit you as a source but that would sound cheesy). I've written this down.. I will call her later tonight and tell her I've compiled some thoughts that I wish to share with her:

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

XXXXX,

 

I need some time on my own to get my head and heart together – and the only way I can do that is if I stop thinking about this entire situation.

 

I need to move on with my life. I would love to have you back in my life one day, but that day is not today. Today I've realized I need to move on, and I can only do it without you in my life (as of now). This isn't because I dislike you, hate you, or have no desire to look at your face. Its because this is my only option. It is the only way for me to move on.

 

It will be easier to deal with the situation if I leave myself with more options. If I’m constantly around you during school, I have no choice but to pretend I’m ok with being your friend. So as of now, let’s just tone it down. I’m sure eventually I’ll be able to look at you as a friend, but right now, it’s too hard for me.

 

Keep this in mind - I would love to have a relationship with you in the future, but I won’t put my life on hold until it happens. The date you come home from Brazil is no longer a “decision” date because I’m not waiting any more. Don’t think that I’m ruling out anything we could have in the future. If you feel the want to be with me again, feel free to come knocking on my door and tell me. Don’t hold back, it will just be something to regret.

 

One day things may work out, but there’s no point in counting down the days until they do. You find yourself, find what you want, find the things you need in your life. Maybe one day you will decide you need to have me in your life, but I’m not going to sit around anymore. In the meantime, I'll be doing the same thing and figuring out myself as well.

 

-XXXXX

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

WELL?? I'm not going to read her this until I get some sort of feedback. Is there anything that I should remove? Or any important details you think I could add?

[Art_Critic]

Your using too many words to say what you mean..

 

Slim it down and remove the many statements saying how you want her in your life..

 

They contradict the fact you are saying you want to move on..

 

Shorter is better..

[wx3]

alright, I guess it's just hard because I'm completely acting as if I'm though with her when I still really like her! Haha..

 

 

Anything else?

 

Or possibly, give me possible answers the questions she may ask?

I know she will probably say "Well what made you change your mind so suddenly?"

 

(she was under the impression I was just going to let her find herself without the pressure of me walking away)

[soft heart]

Hey,

 

a question for you - does she call you and how often you guys talk? I mean she made it quite clear to you that she is confused right now and she is even depressed because of her ex-boyfriend. I think she really needs some space. But in my opinion, you are making yourself too available by telling her that you definitely want a relationship with her in the future. I wouldn't tell her that because you are a) making it too easy for her to make you wait b) she might never realise if she has lost any chances with you?

 

You are saying that she is that kind of person who will not let you know how she feels. to be honest with you, even the most shy person will let you know if they really want you in their life and if they love you and they want to be with you. But you must not be so available for her at the moment. I mean you should have some self-respect for yourself and think of it from your point of view as a guy! Girls like guys who can stand up for themselves and know their worth and have self-respect. In my opinion, to keep you waiting until she decides isn't exactly respecting your feelings is it. It's too easy for her at the moment.

 

If you really want to let her know, just send a very simple message to her like:

 

I am sorry if I caused you any hurt by initiating the break but I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment and I want you to be happy and clear in your mind. I still like you a lot but I am moving on with my life. Maybe one day we will meet each other again and give it another chance but now I need to this for myself and move on. I hope everything is going to work out for you. Talk to you later. Take care.

 

And leave it to that. Let her come to you. Give it some mystery! Girls don't like when the guy is too available. We like to guess how a guy feels about us. I would not go into details how much it's affecting you and how you feel sorry and bad and so on.. it will only make you look weak and desparate. She needs to feel that she is loosing you.

 

I would not ask her when she comes back from Brazil. She is the one who is making decisions here. So let her come to you but don't put your hopes on this too much. She even said that she is happy with the break so she can take her time. I mean you are really ok with the fact that she might be now talking to her ex and thinking of him? Show her that you have some respect for yourself and you are not some kind of second best and only filling a gap for her while she is making her mind up about her ex.

[soft heart]

And if she asks you what made you change your mind so suddenly. Well, the only thing you can do is being honest with her. You might need to tell her that you like her a lot and you still think of her but you do not want to be someone who is going to wait around until she makes her mind up about her ex. She will respect you for that and in her eyes your worth will grow! I can assure you on that one. You really need to tell her what you feel. But as you said only if she asks.

 

And don't worry. If she really wants you, she will find her way to you. But be a bit of a challenge otherwise she won't appreaciate you and she won't respect you and that's the worst thing that can happen to a girl when she looses respect for her boyfriend or a guy she likes.

[wx3]

Ok, I told her and I guess you could say things went GREAT. Haha, I know, how great could it be? Well, I revised the little paper into something that stated once that I still like her but the main focus was that I didn't feel like waiting anymore, so I was moving on. I let her know that I'm not ruling out the future, but she was definitly at a loss of words. She said things to me like "But... i thought you were going to wait and stick through this with me." She was really emotional (crying, all that business) but I remained calm. She is definitly afraid to lose me now, but I got a bit skeptical when she said to me "Well James (her ex) waited for me so obviously he has more feelings for me than you do". I believe I recovered nicely (by avoiding the comment) when I replied "I've simply decided that as of now I was ready for a break too!"

 

Shes currently freaking out, calling her best friend, crying like crazy, the whole works. Oh well, I guess if we're meant to be, then we'll end up together anyways.

 

And besides, she should be worried about losing me! I'm a pretty good guy!

 

 

Final thought:

 

- If she comes back, I'd really consider dating her again because of how happy i was with her! If she doesn't come back, Ill be over her anyways.. so I'm very happy with the situation now.

 

(I cant lose in this scenario - and neither can she - because she will make the decision that will make her happy in the end anyways, and I will be happy whether or not we end up together)**

 

**In a perfect world

[soft heart]

Good on you!!! Well done. you have done the right thing.

 

She is not being fair on you when she says that her ex had more feelings for her. Yes you are not her ex-boyfriend and she shouldn't be even comparing you to him and not even mention his name or anything about him in front of you. I think in a way, if you read between the lines, she is kind of still feeling for him and defending him, making him look better in front of you. That's unfair. She is trying to make you feel guilty but she has not respected you enough to stay with you.

 

I didn't like her reaction at all. And it's good she is worried to loose you. That's what she needs to feel. She is crying because she was rejected by you and she realised that you are not prepared to wait for her to make her mind up about you and her ex. It's just not right to do that to you. She is acting a little selfish here. I mean has she asked you at all how you feel? I bet that she hasn't. She is only concerned about her feelings right now. But you must do what's right for you and I really think that you did the right thing. She cannot have everything! Of course she was speechless. She is probably now talking to her ex James but at same time she thinks you will be waiting around for her. Some people get so comfortable thinking that they don't need to make decisions but they are leading on other people. Well, I think you really need to know your worth and believe that you really do deserve better than this. Has she ever said sorry to you about her situation with her ex? Has she actually realised how much it could have hurt you? She is so concerned for her ex...but what about you?

 

Don't worry, she will be ok. She was happy with the break. Of course she was because you were a convenience for her as well as her ex. and now she is crying. I mean she wanted to be friends with you right. So if she cares for you, she will understand why you decided that way and she should be concerned for your feelings as well.

 

Anyway, don't let her make you feel bad about your actions. Girls are very good at making guys react by crying and by making them feel guilty. Don't buy it. Stick to your decision and she will have to decide very soon if she doesn't want to risk loosing you. But you might need to think twice whether you are prepared to take her back because it does not sound to me like she has completely solved all her problems with her ex.

[wx3]

Yes, I'm very aware of all of these "variables" as you could call them. She actually has told me she's sorry, but I told her that I didn't want her sorries because what has happened, has happened. I would consider dating her again, but it would be after talking to her about everything and making sure she's ready. I wont allow a girl into my life that isn't sure shes ready for me any more!! I was talking to her over instant messanger because she was doing some homework, so here are parts of the conversation - comment if you like:

 

_________________________________________________________________

HER: im sorry im not perfect billy

ME: i never asked you to be

HER: but its wat u expect of me

ME: all i ask of you is to be sure you need me in your life as a boyfriend.. you werent and thats why i'm through... but thats what im saying.. youre such a great girl, and I really do like a lot of things about you. one day, if you realize you do need me, then let me know, and I'll tell you if YOU can have another chance.

ME: because its not about being perfect, but being perfect for eachother

_________________________________________________________________

 

**THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT JAMES**

 

HER: i wish i coulda been that perfect girl for u that would have every answer to every question u have..but im not..im complicating

ME: i shouldnt have to settle for a girl that has had doubts about her feelings for me!

ME: i dont deserve that

ME: im better than that

HER: i geuss thats a difference that i see between u and James..i mean he thinks im the perfect girl for him even if im not sure sometimes.. he accepts my faults and obviously doesnt have a problem with waiting!_________________________________________________________________

 

** I LEFT OUT ONE PIECE OF INFORMATION -- SHE IS VERY POOR, LOW CLASS.. AND I AM DEFINITLY CONSIDERED TO BE "WELL - OFF" **

 

HER: ur better than me so u deserve alot better

ME: if thats what you think then settle for worse

HER: seriously..look at me..and look at u..truely..u are better than me in so many aspect..u deserve to be wit one of them nice rich preppy sporty girls..like ur firend ashley or soemthing

ME: you dont understand something do you? i like everything about you except the fact that youre not sure if you need me as a boyfriend, and honestly thats the only thing thats made me change the way i feel about you

________________________________________________________________

 

** HER REVOLATION ** (HAHA)

 

HER: im truelly sorry for everything..i never intended to put you through any of this

HER: i brought this all on everyone and myself so im sorry

ME: what are you sorry for? its already happened, and sorry wont take it away! I dont want your sorrow because im not even hurt.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

**AND WE ENDED ON THIS **

 

HER: im not good enouh for u i guess..so fine move on to someone who will be there for u through everythign and be happy wit u for every moment..and "appreciate" u

ME: thats exactly what im going to do

ME: and i dont even care if its you.. because once i find that girl ill wonder why i even cared so much about this

ME: its no longer about me getting a 2nd chance... because i dont want a 2nd chance with a girl with "past feelings and confusion"... if you ever decide that you want me back, give me a call, IM me on AIM, myspace message me, SOMETHING.. and ill tell you if that sounds good or not

ME: im not gonna talk to you about this anymore, ever again, untill the time comes.

HER: hmph wow ok

 

________________________________________________________________

 

At that time she put up an away message reading "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHH! "

________________________________________________________________

 

(lol^^ that made me laugh)

 

 

Additional info: We are both seniors in High School (18 years old) and will most likely be attending the same college (same major). Don't say that we could get back together in college or anything like that, I'm not looking that far into the future. I just want everyone to analyze our conversation and maybe put their opinion on what she was thinking.. because Im really bad at determining a girl's real thoughts.

[soft heart]

Hm I don't want to sound judgemental but she does sound young and a little immature. I mean at the age of 18 you might not realise yet what a real relationship is about and that it is about 2 people and their both needs. She is saying sorry but not in a genuine way in my opinion. It's sorry but to make you feel guilty. It's not a true sorry where she realises that she could have hurt you or made you feel unloved enough. I mean she has pushed away and now she is telling that you want her to be perfect? You are right. It's not about being perfect but you are just trying to respect yourself and trying to protect yourself. She does not see that. She is quite wrapped up in her self and her own world with her ex James, she is blind to what you are trying to tell her. You should have told her how much she would like it if you were not sure about her because you were still hang up on your ex-girlfriend. Would she be happy with that? She needs to put herself into your shoes. And then she tries to make it sound like you are not sympathetic enough by telling you that she will not talk to you about it ever again. Well, yes. She shouldn't be anyway. She is making this relationship about her, her ex and than you. As far as I am concerned a real loving relationship should only be about the two people.

 

And you are still telling her that she should let you know in the future if she wants you back. I mean she doesn't respect you enough now and she is so upset with you for moving on with your life without waiting for you. You should be angry with her and not the other way round. She is the one with the problem and she is trying to turn it round and make it sound like you are the one wrong here. I would not repeat it again to her that there is a possibility in the future. As I suggested, I would send her a small message where you let her know that you are making this kind of decision because you want her to make the right decisions but also because you want her or someone who is sure about you and you feel like you need to this for yourself. and if she truly cares, she will understand and work harder to win you back. But you are still making yourself too available for the future. I would stop all chats with her and block her for now. Move on with your life. I know that you love her and you might not see it now but she does not sound like she has a real understanding of your feelings and she is quite self-centered. I mean she even signs in with away status on msn with awwwgh message.. what is that? that's so immature. What is she trying to do? Make you react? Well, I wouldn't react to that at all. She has to put a message which says " I think I have just lost someone special and I think I might need to make my mind up soon or I'll loose him completely"!

 

You said it right that you do not deserve this kind of relationship. Who does? Noone wants to be the second best. Noone wants to be left wondering. She wouldn't like it either. But she is too blind to see that from your point of view. and she dares to compare you again with this guy James. I can see it clearly that she is not over this guy at all and she still puts him higher than you. So please do yourself a favour and leave her to it. If she mentions his name again, tell her that you are not interested to hear about him really. And if she says that you are selfish, tell her that she wouldn't like it if you always compared her with your ex! I can tell you that girls hate hearing about boyfriend's ex-girlfriends. So every time she attacks you, put her into your shoes. But anyway, you shouldn't be even discussing it with her any longer. do not contact her and block her on msn. She really does not deserve you. You are telling her clearly that you like her for the person she is and she is still not hearing it. So you did the right thing to tell her that you are not prepared to talk about it until she makes her mind up but to be completely honest with you, she does not sound to me like she is really afraid of loosing you. She sounds like she is just angry because you stood up for yourself.

 

She also sound quite insecure about herself. I mean why is she comparing herself to you. Normally when a girl does that, she probably feels very insecure and she needs you to boost her confidence. She is trying to make you react here. She wants to hear from you that "she is perfect for you and that no girl is so perfect like her" - that's my guess. Because you have not mentioned to her anythig about money or status so why is she bringing it up. She is kind of trying to manipulate the situation so you feel sorry for her. Maybe. I am not sure. But if she feels that there is such a difference between you two then it makes me wonder why would she want to stay with you anyway. Is she with you because she likes you for the person you are and your qualities and your heart? It sounds to me like she is secretly thinking that you have a better life than her and in a way she is maybe now angry because she lost that image with you. She cannot say now to her friends " I am with this rich American guy, who loves me so much... and will do anything for me". It's just what came to my mind when she started to tell you that you should find a perfect, rich, sporty girl.. It's a little odd to react this way to the issue you are both facing.

 

I like the sentence where she says that you should find someone who will be there with you through everything and who will "appreciate" you. Well, that's exactly what you want and show me one guy who does not. It sounds to me like she knows that she does not appreciate you enough otherwise she would be with you right now and not having doubts because of her ex or whatever reasons they are. And she is angry. I mean it sounds to me like it's not only her ex that made her doubt you. It seems to me that there is much more to it. But it's just the feeling I get from the conversation. She should appreciate you. And she does not so it's her lost.

 

You sound like a caring guy. You should not waste your time anymore I think. Try to go out and have fun. You are only 18 years old!! You are still so young. Live your life to full now because once you get older, it gets harder;) Go out with your guy friends and enjoy yourself to the maximum so when you get older, you can look back and have the best memories. Why would you want to waste your days on a girl who does not appreciate you and who is not sure about you? There will be so many more girls out there....and one day you will meet someone who will be sure about you but before that day comes, go out and have lots of fun!! That's what the teenage years are for.. am I wrong? I mean I am 27 and when I was your age, I was having so much fun.. it was great.

 

I am a little jelous now.. I must admit. It was so great to be 18. anyway, I hope you will be ok soon and you will make the right decisions for yourself. but I think you have done the right thing. You showed some real self-respect for yourself and you protected your heart! Well done. Maybe others have other opinions but from my own experience, I think I always respected more guys who knew their worth. Good luck!

[wx3]

Thank you so much for giving me the advice I needed through this time. I know she isn't the type of girl I should even consider giving my heart to, because she isn't fully "with me". Its pretty hard to successfully express myself (i.e. Making myself too available) because as you know, I'm not over her. The only difference now as opposed to this morning lies in the fact that I have flipped the tides on her -- I'm now in control of the situation and it is up to her to act. And believe me, after talking about this throughout the day, I have definitley had my eyes opened to the things I really don't like about her. I guess when you think someone is so perfect for you, you're blind to their faults. But thats the way love should be. I guess what I'm trying to say is I was foolish to think that I love her, but I'm still not over her to an extent I can date other people. For now, I will just be an 18 year-old boy.

 

I will never go back with the girl that hurt me.. she will have to be COMPLETELY changed, and let me know that she's different this time. I won't allow myself to fall into her "trap" twice

 

As my mother always says:

 

"Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me":sick:

[wx3]

ok, Ive proceeded into blocking her on AIM.. but she got onto and older screen name and IM'ed me. She said "Wow, I can't believe you hate me so much that you have to block me." All I told her was "I dont hate you" and then as I was about to block her on this other screen name, she said something about her ex that I saw as an attempt to get under my skin but I pretended I didn't care. (She said "Maybe I'll just date him again and finally be happy"). I said "Good for you" and blocked her. Does she care that she's losing me? I want to yell at her to stop being such a hypocrite because she tells me how important I am to her but she won't act at all to to show that the situation isn't developing the way she had hoped. I guess I want to know what exactly she's trying to do.. I don't want her to think I hate her, but I dont want her to think just because Im "moving on from her" that she has to pretend she doesn't like me anymore. What is she doing to me? I have to admit, its affecting me, because I've been pretending I am moving on, I'm pretending I don't care about her ex, pretending Im ok. It pretty tough. How do I handle this?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You just have to be very firm, and very repetitive. You have done the right thing, and all you have to do is keep doing it. No matter what she says, acknowlege it and then answer:

 

"I care for you, but until you are ready for me to be a boyfriend to you with no 'confusion' or 'past feelings' then we cannot have a relationship. As soon as you resolve your 'past feelings' and 'confusion' then we can talk about a second chance. Until then, I have to let you go so you can work on what you need to work on and I can be getting my head and heart back together as well."

 

She wants to bait you. She wants you to be angry. She wants you to "pay" for standing up for yourself and in turn end up apologizing for it and begging to be her doormat. You simply have to be calm, and REFUSE to take the bait. No matter what angry and baiting type stuff she says repeat only the above and do not address her anger or even respond to it. Keep reminding her that she is making a choice, and she is going to have to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

1. I guess I want to know what exactly she's trying to do..

2. I don't want her to think I hate her, but I dont want her to think just because Im "moving on from her" that she has to pretend she doesn't like me anymore.

3. What is she doing to me? I have to admit, its affecting me, because I've been pretending I am moving on, I'm pretending I don't care about her ex, pretending Im ok. It pretty tough. How do I handle this?

 

1. She is trying to use passive aggressive behavior and emotional blackmail to make it look like you are the bad guy. She still has feelings for you, but not to the extent that you would like for her to have them. She wants you to apologize, and wants you to be her 'backup plan' while she explores her feelings for James.

 

2. Just keep repeating calmly that you do not hate her, that you care deeply for her but that you will not expose yourself to pain. As long as she is 'confused' about the situation, you cannot stick around to volunteer for that pain. Let her know that moving on is a natural process, one that you have to do to protect yourself. Let her know that 'moving on' does not mean a second chance can't happen - it just means you need time to put the first chance behind you. You have to be very calm, and very repetitive, and show no anger or frustration whatsoever.

 

3. She is gaining control over you. The more contact you have with her, the more it will affect you. She is good at what she does, and she knows that she can prey on the feelings you have for her. You simply have to let her know that while you have these feelings, she is not welcome to them right now. She can have your heart, only when she is ready to accept it fully. That means no other guys, no 'confusion', nada.

 

You will need to be more firm about blocking her contacts, so that you can get to a point where you aren't pretending these things... you are actually feeling them. It is necessary in order to put this behind you so that you can move on. Moving on gives you greater options than not moving on. If you move on, you will have the option to be with someone else - or you will have the option to be with her at your choosing. If you don't move on, then you are stuck in the painful position of being the 'backup plan doormat guy' with no options for anything but that.

[wx3]

alright, thank you..

 

I emailed her and told her it would be my last contact with her, but I did say is she wishes to contact me back she can feel free to do so. I think things should turn out fine - no matter what happens. Thanks for your help.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just be strong. You told her it was ok to contact you, and she will - and it will be ugly, hurtful and she will say stuff that is designed to make you feel guilty for what you've done and sorry for her.

 

Your best bet, if you want to respond is to move a copy of her email into a text file and then get all your anger and reaction out by writing it down below her response - tell her off in a thousand different ways, and really pour it out. Write everything you are feeling. Then, save it as a text file in a folder on your desktop. Consider it a journal - a way to work through your own stuff in the form of letters you will never send. Every time she writes, do this until you have a nice accumulation of stuff to look at later in hindsite. You will really learn a lot about yourself and about her by studying the patterns of the things she writes to you, and how you respond. Everything you learn will only make you stronger.

 

It will really help to keep you from bottling this stuff up and exploding, or worse yet - caving in to her demands.

[wx3]

thanks, I did what you said. I wrote to her completely as a reaction to what you could say and then I realized that it would have been very bad to send her a message like that! It would show her I still was actually right there for her, although I was telling her I wasn't. The email she sent me was trying to tell me how immature I was acting for not wanting to contact her, etc. I eventually just followed your advice and got very repetitive. Haha, I can't wait to see her reaction. I told her I didnt hate her and I still cared for her because she is a good person, and I hope she figures out what she wants in life. I restated that in 2 or 3 different ways and then told her I know she understands me and respects how I feel.

 

I wont let her play her stupid game with me !!

 

(well, at least not with your help when i need it )