University Neighbour

[hillman]

I have been living in a university hall for a week, and have been gradually falling in love with the girl who lives in the room below me. We started out as friends but gradually its been developing further - especially under the influence of alcohol at parties etc. I also care about her in as much that I keep trying to protect her - such as when she went out to visit a friend one evening I waited up to make sure that she got home safely.

 

Things are still at an early age - i wouldnt consider her to be my girlfriend yet... we haven't even kissed properly. However, we get on really well together, have the same likes and dislikes and the same sense of humour. We both seem to feel comfortable in each others presence.

 

Today we decided to watch a film in her bedroom, and soon enough we were sitting close together on the bed. As the film progressed she moved gradually towards me, ending up sitting with her head on my shoulder, and with my arm around her.

 

However, I happened to notice lots of pictures in the room of her with a guy, who I now know to be her boyfriend, who lives in her home town over 100 miles away. I found this very surprising from the way she's been acting, and am not sure what to do for the best.

 

Should I pretend not to have noticed and carry on, should i back off (perhaps it would be best just to be friends), or should i broach the subject? I really like her, and value her friendship.. and of course I have to live with her for a year at least. I'm not sure whether it would be easy to back off now and "keep my hands off" - but would that be best.

[kitkat826]

If she is in a long distance relationship and is cuddling up with you like that, she probaly either 1) Doesn't respect the relationship and is attracted to you and is trying to show it 2) Is confused about her relationship, is not sure how she feels about you, and figures cuddling like that is technically not cheating, or 3) Misses the affection of her boyfriend and likes to have you as a substitute, though is in big time denial about the appropriateness of that and the fact that anybody in their right mind would interpret that as wanting more.

 

If you don't mind being the "other guy" for a while or going through the emotional drama of her confusion, then go for it. Otherwise, I would stay away.

[Copingsaw]

I would broach the subject with her. She is probably as uncomfortable as you are about it. You need to decide in advance if you actually want a friendship or if a relationship is all you are interested in. If your after a relationship, be prepared to tell her that you are interested and live with the consequences. If your ok with a friendship, be prepared to just be a friend for a long time.

 

I agree with kitka, it is highly likely that she is confused.

[hillman]

I suppose at the moment I'm happy to be friends - certainly don't want to risk ruining the friendship. Normally during the day thats all it is. Until the film last night everything else had been after a few drinks.

 

I'd say that she does miss her boyfriend, from the number of pictures of him she has on her walls... but she hasnt shown it in any other way.

 

We're all going out as a group to a club tonight, so I think I'll see what happens there.

 

Thanks for the advice - keep it coming!!!

[hillman]

She didnt come to the club on Monday night, and I was working last night - so we havent really had any more chance to spend time together. While cooking in the kitchen downstairs last night we were joking with each other in a flirty sort of way, far more than the other people in the house do. Is that being anything more than good friends?

 

Then this lunchtime she seemed a bit more distant. I don't know whether it was because her best friend and her friend's boyfriend were there, or whether she had spoken to her boyfriend or something this morning.

 

I'm going to try to time my cooking tonight so that I am down there the same time as her. I'm still feeling a bit confused!

[hillman]

Last night (thursday) I had finished cooking and was sitting down eating. She came downstairs to start cooking, and, because the kitchen was busy with people cooking she brought her chopping board and the stuff for a stir fry over to the table. Although there was plenty of space at the table she sat down right next to me.

 

She calls herself a "cheese freak" because she really likes cheese - and started eying my pizza hungrily, so I told her to help herself.

 

We then sat talking while she cut veg, and I tried to teach her how to cut a pepper without it flying across the room. Unfortunately I had a departmental social so had to then rush out, otherwise I guess it could have continued further perhaps.

 

This "flirting while cooking" seems to be becoming something of a theme. Should I think of this as an "opening", or is it just a bit of innocent friendly flirting?

[loony]

I keep trying to protect her - such as when she went out to visit a friend one evening I waited up to make sure that she got home safely.

You're not her boyfriend, so don't do this kind of things unless you know for sure that she digs you. If she is not at the stage yet where she would consider a relationship with you, a guy who is overprotective will annoy her. Do them secretly if you must, but DO NOT TELL HER about this. Actually, best is if you stop doing it, because when you do it secretly, your mind is still set on smothering mode and you will just drive her away.

 

I tend to believe that the only girls who really really need this amount of security and comfort are girls with issues. This girl is not some fragile, helpless princess in need who is waiting for her savior aka you and you shouldn't treat her like this.

 

Oh, I forgot, you said she has a boyfriend. Ok, if she has a boyfriend, stay away from her.

[hillman]

I should just clear something up. The reason i waited up was that one of the guys in our house was drunk and had tried breaking into her room earlier. Someone suggested that someone really ought to make sure she got in safely, and I volunteered.

 

Just now I came into the building as she was about to go upstairs, and she waited for me to come in. We stopped to talk for a couple of minutes about how our days had been, and as her door was open i noticed that there were less boyfriend photos around.