Drifting apart -- Distance weighing hard -- what to do?

[sean001]

I've been with my current girlfriend for almost a year. We didn't start out as an LDR. For the first half of our relationship, we lived in the same city. I got a job offer about 3 hours away. We talked about it and she agreed to strongly consider moving to the same city. That made it easier for me to take the job and move since we were just beginning to fall in love with each other and I really wanted to keep her in my life.

 

Well that was six months ago and no signs of the move are happening soon. On top of this, she took an additional job and works 24/7. She's always stressed out and not able to talk much. She works every weekend and it's become more and more difficult to actually see each other. Worst of all, sometimes when she sees me she says I seem "unfamiliar" - like she doesn't know me. We're usually able to take care of that after spending some time together, but I don't like that it happens at all.

 

We talked last night. I told her I feel disconnected. Usually, whenever issues come up and we talk about them, I feel better. This time, I feel worse.

 

I feel like I am building a life without her and I am completely isolated from her life. My thoughts of the future less and less include her. I am beginning to lose faith that she'll actually move. It feels like the bond is nowhere near as strong as it used to be -- that the strength of the relationship is precarious.

 

Have others been through these feelings with an LDR? It feels strange since we were so connected earlier in our relationship. I think it was even stronger during the first couple months or so after I moved because we could still ride the familiarity we already had with each other. But now that more time has gone by living apart, it seems we are drifting away. Anyone else been though this? What have you done?

[StacyRose]

Well if she's not in school, I don't see what is keeping her from just moving there. Maybe you're doing something wrong.. maybe you're not making the move possible for her. Why don't you say to her "what can I do to get you here as soon as possible?". Maybe she is waiting for something more before she commits. Or, maybe she is just not into you anymore. If she's in school.. good luck coz she has to finish first and that should be her priority.

[sean001]

Thanks, Stacy. She's not in school. But according to the conversation we had last night, I've been "wonderful" to her during the time of all the stress she's been having with working a lot. She said she has no complaints with me whatsoever. She doesn't have enough money to move (although I offerd -- once -- to cover that) I really don't think she would feel comfortable with me paying her to get here.

 

I have reservations about dropping an "ultimatum" on whether she is moving or not. I know she doesn't have the means to do so at the moment, so it would seem a little unfair on my part to draw that line when there is no way she could commit to it.

 

I'll investigate a little more to see if there is anything on my part that might be a problem here. I really don't know. My suspicions are that it's situational, but I really don't know how to improve it.

[StacyRose]

So it's an issue of money? You should offer to cover any expenses, if you can. I'm in a LD relationship, my boyfriend makes more than I do and he pays for everything. If he didn't make it possible and want to be with me badly enough, everything would have fallen apart. You have to insist on helping her, even if it's uncomfortable as she's not even in school and you guys are wasting your time..

 

How much would it cost to move.. $500? Anyway, who cares about the cost. She's moving there for you, and it's your responsibility to help her out if you really want her to move her life for you. If you want to be serious with her, you have to work as a team.

[Lil Honey]

Nope. I wouldn't insist on anything. All that will do is put pressure on her.

 

The two of you are only three hours apart. (Yes, I said "only" and "three hours" in the same sentence.) And you said that she works 24/7 . . . that's impossible. Even if she's a doctor and is on call 24/7, she still would have some down time.

 

I think that actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to move, she would. OTOH, she might want to feel independent and pay for the moving for herself, so she might be working a second job to pay for the moving.)

 

If you want answers, you will need to talk more with her. How does she feel about leaving family behind? (That would be an issue for me.) Is she worried that she won't find a job in your area? (That would make me anxious as well.) Is she afraid of moving where she has no friends or family? Okay, she says that you are wonderful. So, then you will need to ask her how SHE feels about herSELF (because a lot of people, when they are thinking of breaking up will say, "It's not you, it's me . . ."

[sean001]

Thanks, Lil Honey. There are some unanswered questions here. And you are right, she wants to have her own independence in being able to make a contribution to the move, which I respect. Is there a part of me that says, "Yeah, if she wanted me she would have moved by now"? Sure there is. However, another part of me realizes that this is a huge thing to ask from someone who has never lived anywhere else. Some hesitation under the circumstances would be understandable.

 

She was originally considering moving up here with her company who was going to open an office in my city. Unfortunately, the opening was postponed indefinitely and now we're in this netherworld. Where will she work? Where will she live? Of course these things I can help her with, but you're right about something else, Lil, I think her self-esteem needs work. I told her that I would consider moving back if it seemed as though things weren't working out, but she said "You wouldn't do that for me, right?" The implication was that she doesn't deserve someone doing that for her, OR that she doesn't want the responsibility of someone making that type of a commitment on her behalf. Either way, I don't think that kind of a reaction is a very positive one.

 

She doesn't have two jobs, she has three. Even if I lived local this would be a challenge. And 3 hours may not seem like much, except when it's a big change from what we had before and it's impossible to just *drop by* on a weeknight. I don't know how to bring up the topic without putting "undue" pressure on her. The stress of working is really taking a toll on her physically and emotionally. Certainly I don't want to burden her with thinking of this issue, but it is bothering me.

 

I'm leaning towards telling her that I want to pull back. It's really more for my own benefit because I need to lower my attachment to this situation. I think my expectations are too high from someone who lives 3 hours away and works too much. I am stuck feeling like I deserve better than this situation because I don't see how we're really growing together anymore at this point. If anything, it seems we are growing apart in our separate worlds.

 

I want to bring this up with her whenever I can catch her at a good time, which is tough. She's been sick the last few days (stress-related I'm sure -- she left work early yesterday as a result), so I don't know if now is the right time.

 

Thanks for listening and for responding...

[heartbroken111]

I am in a pretty similar situation with my boyfriend of one and a half years. I just moved to another city (10 hours away) to go to school. My boyfriend has a one year contract and therefore can not move down this year. (we never lived together before). He does mention that he might want to move down but he is very indecisive about it.

 

I have thought of giving an ultimatium after a year if he still hasn't made up his mind. However I think pressure isn't really the answer. If he still hasn't made up his mind after a year and a half then I think that pretty much tells me the answer.

 

I do think that you need to talk to her about all your concerns. Often in a LDR communication breaks down. Both parties feel that they have expressed their thoughts and feeling (girls like me are especially bad at this because we think that guys get subtle hints at being upset... ) when really they both have no clue what is going on. I find that I go by peoples facial expression so I find that a webcam helps tremendously in connecting.

 

I know that I still need to talk more to my boy about our problems. However he is very busy and has a lot of homework from his job. I worry that constantly talking about the move or the future will stress him out.

 

I think you should talk to her about her workload. Three jobs is a lot of work!!! If it would be a problem if you were living at home ... i can totally understand why it would be a problem in a LDR. Talk to her and say you are concerned about her health and well-being. Tell her you want her to be happy. Also mention that you are worried about your relationship.

 

anyways... goodluck and keep smiling

[downcydeguy]

LDRs only work if the distance apart is short-lived. My g/f of 2 1/2 years and I both travel and have spent a lot of time apart. It's typically no longer than 2 months and things recover quite well when we're back together. However, she left for Spain a month ago and will be there for quite a while. She's now very distant and doesn't make an effort to contact me ever. A mutual friend says that she feels this length of time apart is too much and there's no hope. My point is that if you're only 3 hours away and not seeing her now, wait a few months and you won't even be talking to her. You need to have a serious talk with her now. She's working 3 jobs so money is obviously a major issue, so, you need to take a day off of work and drive to see her. Ultimatum is a strong word but you're only setting yourself up for further heartache if you don't have her sh*t or get off the pot now. And why would you quit your new job to move back there? You moved for a reason - to make your life better. Good luck.

[Semli]

LDRs only work if the distance apart is short-lived.

Maybe in your experience, but not in my own.

 

I've been with my g/f for a bit over 6 years now. The last 2 have been LD while I try to get through medical school. We're in different countries and she decided to go work on a cruise ship while I'm in school. Due to this, it makes vacation time even more difficult, because during what little time I have off between semesters, she's working and when she's off, I'm in class.

 

We have managed to visit one another during those times, but it's tough because we're not free. Right now, I haven't seen her in going on 6 months, yet we're both still fine.

 

There are HUGE obstacles in terms of time zones and schedules and the fact that she's at sea, but if you want something badly enough, you do it. We manage to e-mail short messages every day and to talk for an hour 2-3 times/week.

 

It's extremely difficult and I wish that we didn't have to go through this (with no end in near sight as I still have a couple of years to go), but it's is doable.

[sean001]

I just wanted to let you know we have had some trying experiences over the last month, but after several long discussions we have finally gotten to the root of the problem -- when we see each other now (maybe once every 2-3 weeks, sometimes less often than that), she has a difficult time warming up to me because she feels "unfamiliar" and it is hard for her to get over. I don't have this problem, but I have talked to enough other people where there are long strings of absences who do to realize it is not uncommon in this situation. In some ways, I'm very relieved to know this is the issue and not have to speculate.

 

I'm going to post this as a different thread because I want to see if anyone in other LDRs have suggestions on how to deal with it.

 

Thanks again for everyone's help.

[LifeBound]

some people are afraid of life sometimes. That can show itself in various ways. ie. Being real attatched to their family and not wanting to leave their hometown. It is a scary thing for some people to imagine being away from all they hold secure. It can be a major issue or it can be a minor one. Either way, it hinders the person from actually living a potentially more fulfilling life. Sometimes it takes someone of a different mind set to show them that to take steps, small or large, is a healthy thing. However no one is going to want to take a step with you into unknown waters unless they fully trust you. Proving to someone that they should fully trust you is a pretty hard thing to do, but there are various ways of going about it.

 

someone posted: "I think that actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to move, she would" ... ~ No offense meant by pointing this out, but the worst thing you could do is have that type of mind set. Especially when your dealing with a fragile mind. One full of insecurities and confusion and fear. The key is just determining which is it. Does she just not like you and doenst know how to tell you or is she perhaps the type of girl i mentioned further up? .... Your job is to clear the smoke, we are just here to hand you various tools that might work better then your hand.

 

As for the financial situation. Obviously if she works 3 jobs, and you work, and you're only 3 hours a way, expenses shouldnt even be considered. Rent a U-haul for a day... That must come out to like 300 dollars? maybe more b/c of gas prices. I have payed more in car fines in the past year then that. w/e the costs, they are insignificant unless you count every penny.

but this was already mentioned by Stacyrose, so nm.

 

The reluctance of her not moving is a tell-tale sign of something deeper. Any excuses made as to why she could move or why she can't move should probably be avoided as it is a waste of time. She might not have this complex view and she might not even know what she thinks but the best thing to do is to set up a healthy communicative scenario where both of you tell eachother what your feeling about things and ensure that each of you gets the right message across, and that the other person processes the information the way u intended it.

 

two things maybe worth mentioning:

1. there is a common practice in therapy. It has many variations but this is one of them. You take 2 chairs and you face them towards eachother and each of you sits down. Bring a timer with you. For the first 5 minutes, each of you stare at eachother eye to eye with absolutely no talking. For the next 5 minutes one of you speaks your thoughts on your relationship, ie: their worries, what they think about you, how they see all different things, what can be improved, what is good. The other person just listens, absolutely no interupting. For the next 5 minutes, the person who was listening must repeat back to the original speaker exactly what they got out of what they heard. It is pretty much just showing the other person how well you understood what they were saying. You just swap rolls for the next two 5 minute intervals. and then the last 5 minutes you stare at eachother again. Absolutely no interupting while someone is speaking, that means for 10 whole minutes each of you is speaking w/o being interupted. After the 30 minutes are up you go about your business and you may explain to your partner where they may have got the wrong idea about something.

 

2. i give you this possible technique just as a suggestion. But your reaction to it might tell you more about your relationship. If you feel that you and her can maturily do something like that, and that your relationship is at that level, then that is a good thing. However, if your relationship is not at the level where you can confidently bring something like this up and it seems awkward... well then maybe your relationship isn't as sound and healthy as it should be if your asking her to leave her home.

 

I once lived in upsate Ny and i had a gf in new jersey. every 8 days or so i would drive down to see her for 2 days b/c i had off from work. it lasted for about 2 months and we barely knew eachother b/c of it, even though we talked a lot, we just weren't getting to know eachother and becoming close. i was getting to move to cali at the time and suggested she should come with me and we could live together. At the time i thought i was being rational and that it made sense, but now that i think about it, i was being anything but that. This probably isn't your situation, but it relates back to my #2

 

going back to my 4th paragraph here: When i think about her not wanting to move, the first thought that pops into my head is that she doenst want to owe you something. And i don't mean owe you money. I just mean be indebted to you emotionally. You will go to these extremes to be with her and she loves it, but if she always lets you sacrifice and kind of piggy back her, she will trap herself and will feel like she has less control over herself. For some guys that is a hard concept, but woman have a strong sense of loyalty. Some are cautious about it (perhaps your gf), some are negligent with it. The cost to move might be cheap, but she is living at your place, she will have to find new work and might not be able to, the possible doubts are endless. Also the trust issue i already mentioned.

 

but then again, she might not think your worth moving for, and perhaps your not.

Communicating with her is your best bet on that one.

 

sorry this was so long, it is a horrible habit.

hope i said something mildy intelligent and helpful,

-Sal (sorry if this shows up 2x, i had a cpu error)