Heart broken, hopes and dreams shattered after 2 year relationship.

[Super89Rex]

I have been going out with my ex-girlfriend for over 2 years. We had our share of problems just as every other couple in existence do. I am turning 22 and she is just turning 18 in a few weeks. I love this girl more than anything in the world. On Aug. 4 my heart was destroyed when I found out she had cheated on me with another guy from work; she was caught making out with a supposed friend of mine from work. That same night she came back to me, pleading and begging for my forgiveness. After a few days of struggling and trying to cope with the pain; I decided to give her a second chance. We were OK for a few days, then all of a sudden she decided to go on a break with me; I was devastated as I thought everything would work out as she always said we could work through anything. After a brutal three weeks of waiting for her answer, constantly contacting her, begging her, flowers, poems and pouring my heart out to her she broke up with me. I was devastated. Now heres the details, all 3 of us work together. She had been seen on multiple occasions by co-workers spending time with this other guy, holding hands, being close. The very knowledge of knowing she was doing this absolutely destroyed me as this was supposed to be time for her to decide whether or not she wanted to be with me. This other guy already had a girlfriend whom which he has already cheated on multiple times (and thus ditched the other girls he cheated with to go back to her). But anyways, recently I guess him and his girlfriend broke up. They are still living together in the same house, with a car, etc. This guy is a loser, high school dropout, pot head, drinks a lot. I don't know honestly what she is seeing in this loser. But anyways, the other day the boss caught her with him at work. He was fired immediately, and she was issued a warning; she threw a fit, and angerly walked out on her shift; thus throwing away 3 years of hard work and dedication at this job. I don't understand why she is throwing away everything for this loser. Anyways, she told me multiple times before that she loved me more than anything; last time we spoked she told me she loved me still but didn't think we were suited to be a couple because of arguments we had, etc. Bottom line, I loved that girl more than anything and would have done anything for her; even forgive or try to forgive her to save our relationship. After a few days of this "friendship" thing she wanted, I told her I couldn't go on with it as we both wanted different things. I haven't contacted her in a few days; I moved the rest of my stuff out into my dads house. Problem is I still miss her and love her so much, I dont understand why she is telling me she loved me. She didn't even call me to tell me the dramatic thing which had happened at work, I feel like I've gone from meaning everything to her to nothing in a matter of weeks and it hurts like hell. Her birthday is coming up on the 22nd, Im pondering whether I should call her or not; I told her I would and she responded "Well if you didn;t you'd be an a**hole" sarcastically of course. I don't know why but for some reason Im hoping she will come back, I want to call her but I know begging and talking to her will only make me feel worse as I want the old Lisa back; not what shes become. I told her I would always be there for her, I don't know what that means; I think this new jerkoff is what she really wants now and has thrown me to the curb like yesterdays trash. Shes lost so much over this guy, considering he still lives with his EX I can't help think that shes playing with fire(she even confronted her and punched her car in the parking lot the other day)... She was such a promising girl; going into college, good management position, 2 year relationship with someone who loved her and ws always there for her (even if she feels I wasnt, that hurts).. I dont know what to do; I just miss her so much, but she has changed to rapidly for the worse, please help

[Merin]

Sorry you're having such a difficult time...

 

Lisa has a lot of growing up to do... A hard thing to accept is this... it doesn't matter what someone TELLS you when they are SHOWING you something different.

 

She says she Loves you, but she shows you something different.

 

Right now maybe she finds this other Guy exciting.... everything is new and trust me when I say he is putting up his best behaviour right now... but in time the relationship will SHOW her who he is as well....

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave her alone. Don't accept her phone calls, and don't call her.

 

She needs time to be with someone who maybe doesn't treat her as nice as you did this, that, the other to get some perspective... don't worry if she thinks you're an a**h*** if you don't call her on her bday... seems to me a**h*** is what she's going for these days with this other Guy right?

 

Hang in there

[upsetnhurt]

I know it will be difficult for you as I am sure you are constantly thinking of things you can do to win her back. You need to realize that you did all you could for her (Even forgave her when she cheated!) and the issues that she is dealing with are hers alone. You can't save her this time. She needs to solve them on her own and that means without you in the picture. She needs to see what life will be like without you and some people figure out it is not so bad and others realize what they should of cherished to begin with. If you contact her you will only be prolonging her process so please DON'T do it. I know it will be hard yet trust the people on LS. Do not call on her b-day either. IF you do she knows she can have you at anytime and will simply continue to live life as is. By not calling her you are showing her that you are willing to walk away and be a man as long as she chooses that lifestyle. Good luck and post as much as you need to. This is the most difficult time right after a messy breakup.

[megabit15]

What does she see in the loser?? Sounds like she's very immature, and from your description of her behaviour change, that she has started partying with this guy. Gosh. Sorry for your situation. There's just no guarantees in life. Let her go.

[Super89Rex]

Yeah thanks for the quick reply guys. Yeah Im really feeling down in the gutter these days. What I don't understand is to the very last moment, she refused to admit that she was seeing this guy; although I heard from every other possible source otherwise. Can someone tell me what this means? She would tell me that this is just for now, and who knows maybe in six months she will regret it. I've been thinking about that and think basically it means that if things dont work out with this new jerk she will come running back to me; making me the fallback guy or second choice. Her continuous lies and deception have made me sick to my stomach, I would of her rather come 100% clean but she simply will not; to the point of throwing a fit, getting angry and seemingly acting like she is just "friends" with him even though I know otherwise. But I havn't spoken to her since the 7th. So I;m hoping that every day will get better for me

[Super89Rex]

yeah I seriously don't know what she sees in this guy really. She used to be really against marijuana use and drugs. Now shes basically seeing a pot head druggy kind of guy. She used to tell me she had dated guys like that before and didn't like it and now shes back with that same kind of guy; shes such a hypocrite. I was talking to my manager last night and she says she wont get any reference; she just basically threw away the job she worked at so hard for 3 years; she might as well havn't ever worked there.. All for this loser who cheated on his ex.. they are both on the serious rebound I wonder if their relationship would even work out in the long run...

[megabit15]

She can't be honest with you. She doesn't even know how to be honest with herself!! She has no clue that she's thrown away a good job, a good man, etc.

 

Besides, people don't owe us honesty. We can only see if their words match their behaviour and decide whether they are being honest with us. Then it is up to us to decide whether to continue in a relationship with that person (romantic or otherwise) or not.

 

You're a good person, but no one can control what another person does, thinks or decides. You can only choose those things for yourself.

 

If you want to remain confused and hurt, hang on to her. If not, distract yourself from your feelings for a while - put some time and distance between you and this situation and you'll get some perspective. Just a couple of ideas on how to get through this sanely: Get out and have some fun. See some of your reliable friends. Get a hobby that involves other people. Volunteer for something or someone worse off than you.

[Rocko]

I agree with what everyone above has said.... I honestly think true love is when both your mind and your heart agree that she is a very special person. Once the emotions die down, reanalyze the situation, and I think you'll find that a cheater is someone you should always walk away from.

[Super89Rex]

Any more insights or advice from anyone? Keep it coming..

 

Thanks!

[heartnsoul]

First of all...I'm truly sorry you're going thru this. However, it sounds like she's definitely making a series of bad decisions and there's nothing you can do about it. It sounds as if she has alot of growing up to do and unfortunately, this situation is going to smack her in the face sooner or later.

 

I don't see anything long term coming from this other guy. In fact, if he has a history of cheating than I can almost guarantee she'll be a victim to his wreckless behavior and treatment to women.

 

IMO, wisdom does come with age and she will eventually realize the error of her ways. Whether or not you're going to be there when she does is entirely up to you.

 

For now, you need to give yourself the space and time to heal and absolutely cut all contact with her. She made the decision to do what she did and unfortunately, she's going to pay the price at some point. It's not your responsibilty to sacrifice your sanity for the path that she's chosen. I know it's hard for you right now and all you can do is feel the emotions that go along with having your heart broken but know that with each passing day...you'll gain better perspective to the reality of this whole situation.

 

Sometimes, letting go of trying to 'control' a situation is the only way you begin to realize that you did the best you could and therefore, it's easier to let go and begin to heal.

 

Give yourself time and take care of you! I wish you the best of luck

[pippen_2k]

Once you recognise that its over between you two, and you have a couple months of not hearing from her, the pain will greatly subside.. and you will be able to look at things more clearly.

 

She has totally screwed things up between you 2, and there is absolutley NO going back to her.

 

Even if she did come back you are always gonna be wondering if she is gonna cheat on you, and you are never gonna trust her, so seriously dude, just drop this chick all together.

 

I know its easier said than done, and ive been down this road before, but you can do it, cause this girl in no good for you.

[sanne]

i don't want to say "once a cheater always a cheater", but that kind of behavior is extremely difficult for someone to change (especially at such a young age).

 

take it from me, even if she comes back to you please don't take her back with open arms. you'll only be inviting more trouble and heartache. i let my ex back in my life after she cheated on me and I regret that decision to this day.

[Super89Rex]

Well I've decided to have a NO CONTACT relationship with her. I am not going to call her, instant msg or anything. I need to try to move on with my life. I hope shes happy with this new pothead dropout.

 

Anymore tips/advice??

[sunaddict1]

i am just going to tell you that i am having trouble with my ex and the no contact. we were together for 5 years. i have been with him since i was 19. we broke up when i was 21 for about 8 months. the no contact then made him crazy....he called and it was the best thing i have ever done. we got back together for 2 more years and split again about a month ago. i am having a harder time this time having no contact b/c he moved 2 hours away. but....i did stop calling as much and i am getting more of a response now then when i was calling him all the time. not meaning that he is wanting me back or that he is calling more....but tthat he is realizing that hey...i might loose her this time. it DOES work...you have to set something free to see if it comes back to you. we have broke up so many times now and it has always comes back. you never know what life is going to bring you. we might meet someone that blows our ex out of the water. as far as her age goes....she is still soooo young! you both need to have fun with life....i guarantee that with some space you guys will one day be the best of friends or back together. you just need to give each other that space. i have to tell myself that every second of the day...i severely struggle with that. i dont want to look like i am not out having fun and staying at home mourning him. make her wonder! you calling and always being there is going to gross her out! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!! i broke up with my ex ex when i was 18 after a year and a half...he called all the time and it turned me off...if he would have left me alone to think about things and gave me that chance to miss him...we might be together today. but if i would have stayed with him i never would have met my ex that i absolutely was head over heels on love with.

[Super89Rex]

Well! Today she decided to take a nice stab at my already beaten and bloody heart. I was working, she decided to drop by the drivethrough with this new guy in her car with her. I went to the back and I almost died having seen that. SHe doesnt have any consideration for how I feel, I wish she would just croak for what shes done to me; I want her to feel the pain shes put me through...

[sunaddict1]

wow sweetie be flattered! all her intentions were was to make you jealous. she still cares about you. she just wanted to get a rise out of you and it worked. dont fall in the trap. be happy that she cared enough to make you jealous. she obviously was thinking about you!

[Super89Rex]

Well today after about 5 days N.C she decided to call me to remind me to pick up my bike and a CD rack she had bought for me (little does she know I purposely left it there)

 

I was 100% unemotional, and just told her I would pick it up sometime.. I think Im going to go pick it up when shes not home sometime. Should I take this as anything or just that she wanted me to get my **** out of there?

[Jerkalert]

She wants to get rid of your %6it so that you have no reason to call her and go over there. If she wanted you to get it, then she would not have said anything.

[Rocko]

I wouldn't read anything into this situation.... I don't think its possible for you to have a short-term reconciliation. Meaning that its best you give up and move on. If she loves you down the road of life she'll come back, or perhaps you can try again. But honestly, for your own good, move on.

[sunaddict1]

i agree with rocko....move on. i wouldnt read into it....but i think she made an excuse to call you b/c you were backing off. i did that to my ex and he called me to make sure i was feeding the cat. come on now...what an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but you dont want to read into it. i am trying to move on and when he realizes what he is missing....i might not be there. you do the same thing! keep doing what you are doing...dont play the fool!!!!!!!!! pick itup only when she is not there! then she will know that you are serious bout moving on.

[Super89Rex]

feeding the cat? lol thats great... yeah i think maybe it was just an excuse to call if anything.. but im going to go get my stuff when shes not there.. thanks alot sunaddict..

[Sadlygone]

If you cannot find the answer then try to remember all your little fights. Try to recall the major issue with that last quarrel which you think was the defining moment. Then go around and read the postings. That was I was just able to find out what happened in the relationship. My ex wouldn't tell me and I pleaded for her to tell me. I was already pass the point of second chance as I knew it so I kept asking. She always said that it was nothing that I did. I was great to her and the relationship was beautiful and all the good stuff. However, I kept hearing about how it was now my opportunity to make myself better. Finally I remember something about she had no peace around me. I realized that peace with me meant that the future was cloudy. Never did she come to me and address the issues. Through all my searching in the postings, I now know what prompted her decision. I feel so worthless that she had no faith in my providing the financial support. I am actually not doing that bad either. However, I guess she is probably afraid that the gravy train will come sooner and she does not want to miss it. What is freakin ironic is that I kept her going for a year to make everything comfortable for her. All my energies were focused on her, work, and my ailing mother that I had no time for myself. It wasn't time for me to figure what I was going to do because I was taking care of everything other than myself. It pisses me off that when she started to see things that made her insecure about me, she didn't put the effort to communicate things. She let it fester to a point where she finally gave up. Didn't even give me a chance. So in the end I am worthless and unstable person. I would like to curse her now, but I will leave as that. I cannot believe that I have no self respect left. I want to just hurl right now. She sees me as a person that has no value to her. Somebody should just please mule kick me right in the noids. I just feel sorry for the other guy because deep down she really knows that I was her soul mate. But the cash mate was more important to her. I have never seen her as so shallow now. For the very first time, I see her as this uncaring and selfish b&5tch. However, I can say I still love her and that she is my soul mate. Its just that her priorities are misplaced. I truly know that she will look back everyday that she is with another man. I am looking forward to the future and expending my energy and providing support to someone else who will value me in the present.

[Super89Rex]

Thanks for all the replies, but I am feeling really shabby and weak today. I went out last night with some friends to a bar, tried to meet some women to no success.. lol but it was fun, it sure took my mind off Lisa for a while. I just want to make sure I did everything I could to win her back, can someone tell me that I have done everything I could or re-assure me.. These responses really help me out a lot and when I am feeling down I like to pull up the thread and read it to myself. Oh yea, the last time I was at work I had the pleasure of overhearing from one of her new druggy friends that she is doing great with this other guy, or as "Love Birds" as he put it. I dont know why, but hearing that just infuriated me; I want them to be miserable because thats she she has made me... I find myself thinking about her less and less everyday, but the dreams are the worst; I wake up in the morning feeling like garbage a lot of the time.

 

I had spoken to Lisas brother the other day, since he is a good friend of mine now. Supposedly she hasn't told her family or him anything of what she i doing; including quitting her job, or her new b.f. When I told him how the new guy was a drug dealer, pothead guy; he was infuriated and immediately wanted to break this guys legs. I dunno but I plan on staying good friends with her bro as he is a decent guy and we have always got along really well; he says he is going to talk to her on the weekend to find out whats going on with her. I dunno what i'm doing, my heads always spinning; like I am trying to fish for answers to a problem I dont even know how to define anymore..

 

Some re-assurement please

[chellyr]

Have been partnered for 5 years. In the last month she has distanced herself. Basically she says she is unhappy and angry. She says she has been telling me for the last year. I know that we have had some problems and that we both have things to work on and communication is one of them. I don't think it is worth giving up on our last 5 years. I don't want it to end. It seems like she does. She says she is not sure at this point. I want so bad for us to be close again, close like we were, but I don't mean we have to go back to the way things were. I am confused as to what or how I should act or behave for now. We live together and everything is shared. Our money goes in one pot so at this point we are unable to just split. I am doing alot of reading to try and figure out what I should do but nothing talks about how to act if you have to still live together. I think that what I should probably do is let her be in the drivers seat. I am gonna act like the relationship is over and if she wants to spend time together or be close or talk or what have you she can initiate it. I am hoping that perhaps with some time she might want to renew our relationship and go and get some counseling and read the stuff that I have found that could help us. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.

[eddpad]

I posted my story in the "Breakup" section of loveshack. Go read it, it's VERY close to what you have ony our hands. And take Rocko's advice to heart, he knows what he is talking about.

 

My ex and I went out for 4 years, she is now 19 and decided that now is the time for her to have "fun" and have friends and not be tied down in a relationship. Basically, I wanna go out every night to different clubs and get ****ed up. The worst part about it is that I feel she lied to me. Ever since a month after the break up she referred to this one "friend" at work as Joel. And now she is apparently going out with this guy Joel. Same thing as your ex, this guy has tatoos all over him, does a bit of drugs, drinks here and there. And here's the part that grosses me out, the guy is freakin 30! She's 19 and this guy is 30. I know it's not anything serious because let's face it, the ex is just trying way too hard to change her lifetyle and attitude.

 

She doesn't want to be good anymore and cross her t's and dot her i's. She wants to flick everyone off and have someone who will play along with that loud side of her.

 

But like most people said, this is going to change anytime soon, so don't count on her coming back quickly, and if she does, you shouldn't take her back. If things don't work out with this guy, how do you know she is really coming back to you because she loves you? for security? to feel safe?

 

Your situation, just like mine, has to be given alot of time, and like Rocko said, if the interest i still there and you see she has matured and changed then go for it.

 

Alot of young girls these days, as trampy as it seems, just want a flash in the pan and put a hold on promises and something real. By the time they do want something real they end up settling down to someone and then divorce. It's not as simple as waking up one day and deciding you wanna find a decent guy to settle down with. A relationship has to be nurtured over many years to become a good one. You know, everyone knocks down "young love", but honestly, young love is probably the purest form of love out there, there is love for who that person is. The older we grow, the more selfish we get and ask what is this person going to do for me in th relationship. (Damn, I went a bit off-topic there).

 

Don't wait for her; don't call her; ignore her to every end. Wisdom does come through time. I lost touch with probably the only real true friend I ever had. I would love to have our friendship back because I've never been closer to anyone. There was some things that pissed me off about him and I chose to not talk to him anymore, but now, after 4 years! I realize that I was an ass and I shouldn't have lost contact. But who knows, we talked yesterday for quite a bit so who knows where will this go.